Did you know that 4-month old Labradoodle puppies are morons?
Did you know that they crap 1,762 times a day . . . on the average?
And that most of those craps are taken in the house because they are equal opportunity crappers?
Did you know that 4-month old Labradoodle puppies have the WORST palate on the face of the earth?
Did you know I found one of my puppies yesterday eating dirt, that's right, dirt? And that she
seemed to be enjoying every single, second of her dirt eating, with her head tilted back towards the
sun, her scruffy chin pure black as if she were George Clooney after a rough night, her eyes closed
as she chewed like she'd uncovered black truffles instead of . . . you know, dirt.
Did you know that these two bitches are out to kill me before their first birthday?
Did you know that they think when I call their names to come, it means to just keep on, keepin' on
with their bad selves, doing whatever imbecilic puppy thing their little pea brains can think of, like
eating dirt, rolling in poop, running away from me as fast as they can, getting stuck in the bur bushes time after time after freakin' time, ensuring that they will have one million burs to pull out of their fur because I don't have enough to do with my time, I need to spend my valuable life moments
painstakingly pulling out burs?
Did you know that a few days ago after much calling and chasing, they finally, finally got the idea and sped into the house?
Did you know that it was only after they'd been in the house for a few minutes that the smell assailed my nostrils and I realized they were playing tug of war with something in their little bitch mouths?
Did you know that I unwisely stuck my hand on the object, realizing too late that it was a headless, dead bird?
Did you know that it is ungodly to shove your hand into two puppies rancid mouths, as you scrape every bit of rotting bird carcass from their pie-holes?
Did you know there are not enough Yankee Candles in the world to rid your house of the scent of decapitated dead bird?
Did you know that I have a septic tank and one must be very diligent about what does NOT go into the toilet?
Did you know that when girls live under the same roof, their cycles synchronize, everyone going through the same course of nature at the same time?
Did you know that I have three daughters, all who've reached a womanly age?
Did you know there are certain times of the month in my house where it's best to start having a cocktail by 7:00 am? And I thought my days of suffering were over the day— to borrow my friend Paula's golden phrase— they took my whore of a uterus out.
Little did I know, they had just begun.
Did you know that my college girl is home for a visit?
Did you know that even though she has made the Dean's List in her very first semester of college, she is smart on paper, ONLY? In other parts of her life, she closely resembles the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz searching fruitlessly for his brain. Think I'm being mean? She told us recently she wouldn't be able to help us drive in Tennessee because her Florida license doesn't work there.
Any more questions?
Did you know that I have a life, besides my children and Hubby and housework and sometimes that involves getting out of my slave castle? Okay, so it was for some volunteer work at one of my kid's schools, on this certain day, but still, it's somethin'.
Did you know that, on this certain day, my college girl left the house to . . . ? Oh, I don't know, eat Taco Bell and spend copious amounts of money at Walmart and whatever else college kids do as evident in her debit card purchases
Did you know that her one and only job when she left the house after me was to secure the puppies in their crate?
Did you know that she didn't realize she had to LOCK the crate? She just thought if she closed the door, those morons would respect the honor system and stay in their cage. Duh.
Did you know that those little bitches, I'm sure, waited for the second she zoomed away and pushed open that crate door with their little noses, and said, "Oh yeah, Puppy Partayyy Time! You go see where the crazy lady stashed that headless dead bird. I've got a Persian carpet that's calling my name. It's Puppy Crapping Time!"
Did you know that I was gone five hours?
Did you know that my husband is a contradiction of a man?
Did you know he's an expert marksman and loves shooting, but only shoots targets and clay pigeons? We had this snarling raccoon on our patio one night and I begged him to, you know, do something and he just didn't have it in him. He said he couldn't harm a helpless animal. Have you ever seen a raccoon's teeth and those gnarly paws? Helpless? I think not.
Did you know he loves fine wine, entertaining, cooking and shopping for beautiful dishes?
Did you also know that he loves weaponry of all kinds, anything that has a large engine, video games especially if it's Call of Duty or any sort of killing theme, movies that have no thoughts or emotion to them? It's not worth his time unless it has bombs, killings, and women in tight leather clothing,
Did you know that even though he works incredibly hard to make a beautiful life for us, he makes sure to have his "me" time? I'm still waiting for mine. So far, my "me" time consists of ME sneaking off to the bathroom, to read a few pages of a book, but even then the dogs always find me.
Did you know that on this day that I speak of, My Hubby found his "me time" by heading off to the shooting range? He brought along with him one of his shooting buddies.
Did you know that I've given you a few random facts that will all now tie together? Remember the septic tank, three girls on the same cycle, dogs in unlocked crates in an empty house?
Did you know there is a smell more vile than rotting, decapitated dead bird?
Hard to believe. But there is, Internet, there is.
How can I describe it . . . hmmm, let's see: Let's just pretend you walked into your house that had been closed up for the entire day and imagine finding puppy poop everywhere. Because you see, not only do the two Stooges poop in the house, they then plod right through their dung and voila, you have puppy crap tracks ALL. OVER. YOUR. HOUSE.
Now I apologize Internet, but add to that mix shredded, used tampons EVERYWHERE. THE. EYE. CAN. SEE. Add to that vomitorium mess, piles of puppy puke, because surprisingly, tampons do not digest well in puppies' precarious systems. Add to that gruesome scene whatever the hell other contents they could find in every single one of my wastebaskets throughout the house.
Did you know that one of those little bitches had the audacity as I stood there overcome by nausea and horror and fire-breathing anger, to greet me with her little waggie tail and then squat right in front of my shocked eyes?
Did you know that I scooped that craphead up, screaming and crying like a madman all the way to the door?
Did you know that I used up every obscenity in my obscenity vocabulary? Which is a lot of words, Internet, A LOT of words.
Did you know that I left the entire tribe of three dogs outside as I surveyed the battlefield of shredded feminine products, vomit, poo, snotty tissues, shredded newspaper, two pairs of chewed up undies, one being my hubby's, (talk about an awful palate!), three destroyed flip-flops, and inexplicably an untouched piece of celery?
I don't understand. They find dirt, used tampons and my hubby's dirty underwear to be delectable, but they take one lick of the celery and decide it's too gross for their gourmand taste-buds?
I mean, what the hell? I'm not a big fan of celery myself, but I'll sure as shit, take it over dirt and tampons any damn day.
Did you know that while I was sobbing and cursing like a sailor and sliding on my rubber gloves, I looked out the window to see Morono and Moroni, at the foot of the lake?
Did you know that in Florida, the lakes are filled to the brim with alligators, alligators who like to sun themselves on the bank and like to have puppies as delicious afternoon snacks?
Did you know that I ran out of the house like a madwoman, every bit of rage spewing out of me as I screamed and cursed at the top of my lungs, completely uncaring that my "Let's have the prayer meeting at my house. Praise the Lord." neighbors were outside in their backyard?
Did you know that the Crapheads were standing in the muck that clings to the borders of our lake? Muck that smells almost as rancid as headless birds; muck that clings to dog's fur and screaming madwoman's clothes; muck that has to be scrubbed with a vengeance to get rid of the black gunk.
Did you know that my Hubby is Italian and that the Italian gene for cooking and entertaining and filling up your house with friends and family is the most powerful gene in my Hubby's body?
I bet you can see where this is headed.
Did you know that my Hubby is the greatest of hosts and if I would let him, he would have people over constantly, plying them with good wine and delicious food?
Did you know that every once and awhile in that man brain of his, he forgets to give me a heads up that he is such a lover of entertaining and just walks into my house with guests? It truly is only once and awhile. Because, trust me, when I say, he is made VERY aware after unexpected guests leave that I do not appreciate unexpected guests. VERY aware.
Did you know that I walked into my house covered in black muck, dangling two muck-covered puppies from my arms, cursing and screaming like nobody's damn business?
Did you know that I heard a voice say rather weakly, "Hi Honey"?
Did you know that my stupid-ass Hubby decided it would be "neat" to have his shooting buddy over for a little wine and sunset-watching?
Did you know that the reason I didn't slit my Hubby's throat at that moment was because slitting a throat takes careful precision and I was in more of a bent to just stab him over and over again . . . in a blind, screaming rage?
Did you know that I could only stand there in a mental state very, very close to a nervous breakdown, sputtering,"Their crate wasn't locked. We really don't throw our trash around the house. "
It was the only thing I could think of in my irrational state, that this shooting buddy would look beyond the poop and the vomit and the chewed up shoes and shredded newspaper and think that this was how we disposed of our tampons, by shredding them and depositing them in all corners of the house . . . You know, kind of like the Jewish people hang their Mezuzahs in every doorway of their house? We prefer used, shredded tampons as our symbol.
Did you remember the time I told you the worst thing my dog had ever done to me was ingest an Add-A-Bead necklace on an elastic cord that had to be pulled excruciatingly slowly out of that freakin' dog's hiney?
Well, guess what, Internet? I wasn't even close, not by a long shot.
Today's Definite Download: Guns N Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle." Man, don't you miss those guys? Don't you miss Axle Rose before he got fat and had a bad face lift and got in bar fights?
And because, when you're on your knees scrubbing, there is nothing like that bad-ass intro with Slash's fiery guitar to get you in the mood for cleaning up piles of dog poo. And because, there are no more fitting words. I have a suspicion my puppies wrote this song with me in mind.
Welcome to the jungle
It gets worse here everyday
Ya learn ta live like an animal
In the jungle where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll take it eventually
You can have anything you want
But you better not take it from me
In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle
Watch it bring you to your
sha na na na na na na na
I wanna watch you bleed