And yes, I know the Grammys were 10,000 years ago, just like my Part I of this post. I started to write this the day after the Grammys, but let's just say time management and I have never really understood each other.
Just scroll up if you want to read Part I which was my red carpet review.
And now, if you can remember that far back in time, let's dish or perhaps dis on the show.
And FYI, I'm only highlighting certain moments of the show bc my blog posts are long enough without me saying what everyone knows—things like, Miranda Lambert was perfect in every way.
So onward with the highlights:
Anyone who starts a show with ACDC is my kind of people. I was screaming for my husband to GET IN HERE AND SEE THIS because we are the 80's and ACDC belongs to us. Just like MTV belongs to us since we were watching the very second MTV blasted onto our tv's and changed the culture of music forever. Something I like to remind my children of every time they roll their eyes at my coolness. Because I am definitely cool. I was cool long before they were even a minuscule thought in my brain and I still had jutting hipbones and lots of crop tops. (See above post to truly get this reference.)
I was kind of surprised to see their guitarist Angus Young still going strong. I was certain he would have died from a brain aneurysm by now. I saw them in concert once while wearing a crop top back in the 80's. That Angus played his guitar and head banged throughout the entire concert. Almost two hours of whipping his hair back and forth. It was bad-ASS, I tell you. If you are not familiar with Angus and his head banging, here you go. Whipping your hair back and forth like that for many hours has gotta jumble up some brain things. Good to see it didn't kill him.
And then Ariana Grande sings.
I'm going to duck out of the way as soon as I say this, so the Internet doesn't all slap me at once, but Ariana Grande's voice is on my list of top things I despise along with tarragon, slow drivers in the left hand lane and every member of the Kardashian and Jenner family.
Except for Bruce. Mad props and respect to Bruce.
And that poor baby. I'd like to adopt her before she becomes a douchebag. More on that in a minute.
Ariana's voice, or as I like to call it, cat yowl, could be used as a CIA-approved torture method. Her shrieky-just-because-I-can-hit-that-note voice makes me want to yank on her freaking ponytail until I pull the screech right out of her.
I got one less problem without ya, Ariana, once I fast forward through your shriek.
I don't understand the world's love for screechy singers. I can hit the high notes too in the right circumstance.
Like the time, the hubs and I were dating and he kept his canoe on the river behind his apartment. There was no dock, just about a ten foot drop off into the water with a seawall made of wood. Somehow, my husband convinced me I could ease down that drop off and he would catch me.
In a canoe.
And because I was young and impetuous and kind of stupid, I decided that yes I could do this. He eased himself down, landing as gracefully as a leaping cat, barely rocking the canoe. And then I went. But instead of leaping gracefully, I slid down that wooden wall, gripping on for dear life as I tumbled down. By the time I landed ON my husband, I had splinters embedded all through my hands, my fingers, down my forearms and all over my body. It felt like...well, it felt like I had a million wooden splinters digging into my body.
I shrieked like a hundred Ariana Grandes in that canoe and I'm sure I hit notes Ariana has never even thought about. My husband kept trying to calm me down as he attempted to pull out as many splinters as he could. He was afraid someone would think he was murdering me by the sound of my powerful shrieking.
So, I really don't get the love for the screech singing. We've all got it in us. Don't believe me? Slide down a ten foot drop wooden seawall and you'll see for yourself.
You know who else's screech makes me want to screech, "SHUT IT NOW!"
Fall Out Boy. Mr Fall Out or whatever his name is, the little dude who glops on the eyeliner, he's a man-screecher. He sings in the exact eardrum shattering range my daughters use during a PMS rager. I have this instantaneous reaction to his voice. As soon as he starts screech-singing I cover my ears and whimper. I wonder if I have PTSD from all the PMS I've had to endure over the years. Maybe his voice is a trigger. I wish he'd learn to sing like a man instead of a hormonal teenage girl for my PTSD from PMS's sake.
Tom Jones and Jessie J sing "You Lost That Lovin' Feeling" and honestly, I really don't care about Jessie J, but Tom Jones? The man is 75 years old! 75! And besides wearing too much self tanning cream in the shade of tangerine, Tommy Boy looked and sounded fantastic. I wonder if the ladies still throw their knickers up on stage at him? And even more so, I wonder if he can bend over to pick them up? If you want a great funky song on your playlist, check out Tommy's version of Prince's song, "Kiss." Any senior citizen who can masterfully sing the funk out of a Prince song is the man in my book.
Then there was Pharrell. Every time I hear his "Happy" song, I do just that. I get toe-tapping, clap-slapping happy. I don't care that I hear it 1,000 times a day, I still love that sweet overplayed song, so I don't understand why he had to jack it up so bad. What the hell was that? Maybe I'm not artistic enough, but I did not get that shit.
Not at all.
For his performance, Pharrell changed out of his church shorts, (see previous post) and into a bellman's uniform. Why? I do not know.
If you didn't see it, I'll do my best to describe it for you now.
He begins his performance by speaking his song like he's trying to win first place at the Starbucks poetry slam and then some scary doomsday music begins, and I was all, "Hold up Mr., I do NOT like this the-end-of-the-world-is-here Happy." And then all of a sudden, Pharrell breaks into the joyous Happy we all know and love. And everyone gets happy.
I am happy. The audience is happy. The dancers in hoodies are all dancing happily. Pharrell is JAMMIN' and he is happy. The gospel singers are clapping down the aisle, rejoicing and being happy. Everyone is super happy and then Pharrell sings, "Because I'm . . . " And the cameras zoom in to some random pianist who starts playing maniacally with this strange melody that has nothing to do with being happy. It's more like, "Because I'm losing my mind and this is what it sounds like in my brain." And everyone on stage is doing the Hands Up which I totally empathize with, but weren't we just singing a song about being happy? Then there's a mashup of Happy and the scary music and everyone in the audience isn't sure whether they should be happy or protesting or running for their lives in case the apocalyptic music is foreshadowing something big to come. And everyone in the audience is nervously side eyeing the first plague, (see above post), Kim Kartrashian in her robe. Then suddenly the song turns back to joyous and bouncy and the audience starts clapping and dancing in relief. Even the mad pianist is going along with this Happy Lite version, bouncing on his piano bench and playing giddily. And then Hans Zimmer, the brilliant composer, comes out on the electric guitar and let me tell you, if there's anyone who looks ill-suited to play an electric guitar, it's Hans Zimmer. He looks like the dad you babysat for as a teenager, the stodgy balding dude, the one that the minute he introduced himself, you hoped and prayed the mom would take you home so you wouldn't have to make awkward conversation with him. That was Hans Zimmer, the awkward tubby Dad you didn't want driving you home, playing an electric guitar onstage with Pharrell.
I love Pharrell, peanut butter pie love kind of love I have for Pharrell, but that was just bad. If you want to witness this car crash performance for yourself, here you go.
Sam Smith wins his second award of the night and gives an eloquent speech thanking everyone for accepting him for who he is. And how could we not love our Sammy Boy? He is so utterly sweet and endearing and genuine and ridiculously talented. Stay with us Sam, because you're all we need.
And then Kanye performs.
Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. Kanye used to be such a glorious idiot. Remember when his tweets were so ridiculously fabulous that Josh Groban sang a medley of them? Little gems of idiocy like, "Do you know where to find marble conference tables? Looking to have a conference, not before I get the table, though." Oh, how I loved his idiot ass back in the day. But he has morphed from lovable idiot to just downright plain asshole. I can't even watch him perform anymore, I'm so disgusted by him, even if he's singing about that baby girl of his.
Which? Let's go there, shall we?
He and Kartrashian should not be allowed to procreate ever again, no matter how beautiful their offspring. That poor baby girl being inflicted with the name North West and not being treated like, you know, a baby. Have you noticed North is always crying or looking pissed as shit in all her pictures? Wouldn't you be, if you were forced to wear itchy black lace and bulletproof vests, endure constant pouty selfies with your whore mom and attend fashion shows as a baby?
This should be a crime. Someone, please get me that baby!
Notice how Beyonce is all, "Aw hell no! Someone get this baby out of here before I dial up Solange to give this wannabe bitch an ass beating." (I'm talking Kim, not that sweet baby.)
Notice the absence of Blue Ivy who was most likely at home playing Barbies, instead of being paraded around like a real life Barbie. And Anna Wintour deserves that seat next to them. Putting Kartrashian on the cover of Vogue like she did. I hope baby North kicked the crap out of Anna during that tantrum.
Did you know Kim claims North prefers to wear blacks and grays?
What a crock of shit, Kartrashian. Let me tell you what North prefers: North prefers dry diapers and a handful of Cheerios and her blankie. If there is the slightest chance she is some fashion prodigy, I will bet all my money, which is zero in my cat wallet, that she prefers Rihanna Barbie Cake Dress pink. (see above post)
I read somewhere or perhaps I saw it on the Beyonce documentary that I have currently watched 2,487 times that Beyonce prayed for a baby and along came Blue Ivy. Yes, I know Blue is another special name but I'm going to give that to Beyonce because, number one, it's a pretty name. Two, it's not a direction. It's a color and colors always win over directions. And three, Beyonce is perfect and does nothing wrong.
That is not a personal opinion. It is fact.
But I bring up Beyonce praying for a baby because I'm certain Kartrashian got down on her knees (ahem) and prayed for a fashion accessory.
More on Kanye in a minute.
Madonna comes out and once again, (see above post) Madonna needs to start acting her senior citizen age. No one wants to see an AARPer simulating sex with man-beast dancers.
Madonna, get some capri pants and nacho cheese dip, (above post) and sit your old ass down. That's enough out of you!
Did you see where recently Madonna fell backwards down the steps of her stage while performing?
You know why? Because she is old and old people fall.
Get yourself right, Madonna. You've just had an internationally televised Help I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up moment. Hellooooo! Put your hearing aids on because God is trying to tell you something.
And then Beyonce wins! Finally something for the Queen. I thought Beyonce's latest album was fantastic. Kind of funky and weird and so different from Bey's usual sound.
My sister only half loved it because she says no one likes Dirty Beyonce, you know when she's on her surfboard and such, but I'm cool with Dirty Beyonce. A girl's gotta be what a girl's gotta be. Even if that is Dirty Beyonce.
Ed Sheeran plays with John Mayer and I have to say they sounded great together. John should become part of Ed's band. It's not like he's been doing anything lately except being the subject of Taylor Swift songs, (see above post), so there you go.
Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani sing together. Okay, putting my hand over my head again so all your Internet slaps don't sting, but I don't love Maroon 5.
I love Adam Levine. Or should I say I love Adam Levine's hair.
I also appreciate him in a suit and I appreciate him the most when he's like this:
But I don't dig his constant falsetto. It's not my thing, man. This song, though, that he sings with Gwen Stefani is pretty dang good. I think it's because he's singing in a normal man voice, probably to impress Gwen.
Hoozier then takes the stage and I fast forward my DVR because I know his song is called, "Take Me To Church" so it should be taking me to the freaking church but I don't like this song. It has never taken me to church and as I'm fast forwarding through it, I suddenly see this blonde apparition and I slam on the stop/rewind button because there, right there, is one of my favorite singers and my doppelgänger back in the day, Annie Lennox.
In the 80s, everybody was all, "You know who you look like?" And I would nod and smile and say Annie Lennox and I would always be right.
It still happens every once and a while. Just recently my daughter and I were at a chicken drive-thru place, (I will have you know I got the salad with roasted chicken on the top and yes, maybe a large order of fries, but the lettuce balances that out) and the young kid working the window, said to me, "Hey, has anyone ever told you, you look like Annie Lennox?" I was impressed because he looked to be about 12 and he knew who Annie Lennox was.
One time though a few years ago, a guy asked the question and I smiled smugly and said, "Annie Lennox" and he said, "No, Ty Pennington."
Someone thought I looked like Ty Pennington. That was a sad day in my life.
But Annie brought the House to church and more with her rendition of, "I Put A Spell On You." Oh, that woman has still got IT and got IT big. I bet that Hoozier guy is regretting sharing a stage with the indomitable Annie.
Then it was time for Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett. These two make a fabulous duo. Gaga wasn't her usual weird self and Tony was just spectacular Tony. That man is eighty freaking nine years old! And the way he belted out that first line with such gusto, "Heaven, I'm in Heaven!"
No you're not, Tony. No you're not. You're here with us and here is where you'll be staying for a long time if that vim and vigor of yours is any indication.
And then sweet Sammy takes the stage! You could tell as he walked out and started singing, he was taking it all in, this, his first Grammys. And then just as I think I can't take another second of his loveliness out walks Mary J. Blige.
My Mary J.
Yes, she belongs to me, too, along with AC/DC, MTV and everyone from the 80s.
Also Ryan Gosling. And Mark Ruffalo. And, of course, U2. And my perfect blue nail polish that everyone exclaims as soon as they notice my toes, "Oh, I love that! I'm going to get that same color!" Erg.
I wore out Mary J's album, No More Drama back in the day. My girls knew every word to every song on that album. It was charming, I tell you, to watch three little girls singing, "Let's get it crunk, we gon' have fun, up on this, dance for me."
I had this faux fur hat I'd bought in Italy just because it was so fabulous furry and big. My three-year-old Julia would always say, "Mama, I wanna wear your Mary J Blige hat." And she would wear that hat everywhere. She wanted to be Mary J.
As we all did.
She'd sit in her carseat wearing that big fur hat and a pair of my oversized Target sunglasses and we would blast "Family Affair" and everyone in the school car line would gape, (in admiration) at our minivan when the automatic door would slide open and that song would be booming from our sweet minivan speakers and a toddler in a fur hat and big pimpin' sunglasses would be crunkin' in her carseat to the beat.
We were bad-ass, I tell you.
Oh my goodness gracious, I just smiled and smiled through Sammy and Mary J's performance. They were magical.
Then comes the huge moment when Prince walks out on stage and I shriek like a two-year-old girl who has just spotted Rihanna's Barbie Cake dress, (yeah, reference previous post). Is there anyone more magnificent? Don't answer that Internet, because there is not.
Someone said they were irked by the fact that Prince got a standing ovation just for walking in the room. And I was all, "And what exactly is the problem?" Prince should get a standing ovation every morning when he wakes up. Seriously. The world is blessed, blessed I tell you, to have that man walking around with us mere mortals.
And then? The man says, "Albums matter, like books and black lives, albums still matter."
And I fell in love even more with the artist formerly known as Prince who is now back to being regular Prince, even though there is nothing regular about him.
And before we speak of the biggest ass moment of the night, I want to point out a little gem the Ass Man Kanye, himself said about books once:
"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books."
Wait? What? I just . . . No. Did someone actually utter those words? Out loud?
Prince is there to announce album of the year because that is his rightful place in the world.
And Beck wins.
And the world loses its collective mind.
Okay, here's the thing. Beck is a phenomenal artist. Was this the best album of the year? Ehhh, maybe, maybe not. But Beck's collective work over the last twenty years is a broad brushstroke of brilliance and for that alone, he deserved the award. I know it's called album of the year, but shut up with your semantics already. You can talk about it on YOUR blog.
And even though I loved Beyonce's album, I think the Grammy voters made the right choice. Or perhaps, like my sister stays firm on, nobody likes Dirty Beyonce, not even The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.
But an alternative, below the radar, transcendent album beat out the Queen and everyone died for half a minute.
The Grammy audience looked a little stunned and then the camera panned to Kanye and Kim just as Kim mouthed, "Who?"
Why was this woman allowed into the Grammys?
Later she posted a picture on her Instagram with John Legend and Chrissy Teigen, all of them mugging for the camera with the caption, "This is the Beck won that award face???"
This girl is number two on the list of most profound assholes on the planet. We all know who number one is.
John Legend backed away from Kartrashian's irreverent slam, clarifying on Twitter that the picture was taken before Best Album award was even announced and that he has complete respect for Beck.
And speaking of the most profound asshole, as soon as Beck goes up to accept his award, Kanye storms the stage.
Storms the freaking stage, taking Beck's moment away from him.
He claims to be kidding, but that same night he is mouthing off in an E interview that Beck, BECK, needs to respect artistry and that Beyonce should have won while Kartrashian and her hulking sister nod in ignorant agreement.
His backtracking and ridiculous rambling goes on for days once he realizes the world has proclaimed him King of All Things Douchery and none of what he says makes any sense further entrenching him into his Kingdom.
Just go, Kanye.
Go to Mars or Antarctica or Branford, Missouri, anywhere where we won't have to listen to another second of your inane douchery. And take the whole plague of Kartrashians and Jenners with you.
But drop the baby off at my house on the way. And while you're at it, you can leave Bruce with me, too.
In seconds, Bruce and I will have that baby in a pink Barbie dress with an Elsa doll in one hand and a fairy cupcake in the other. Because I know what North prefers and it is not gloomy-ass colors and being dragged around in a fur coat.
My new anthem in life is Sit Down Kanye. It's my new catchphrase for every idiot who crosses my path.
Hang on everyone. Take a deep breath. We're almost there.
Shia LeBeouf takes the stage then and I rub my hands together in gleeful anticipation for whatever crazy Shia is bringing to the table tonight.
I love that kind of crazy. Shia Crazy.
Here's my Crazy Guy at one of his premieres. I'm so glad he took the time to button his jacket. Nothing says classy better than a buttoned dinner jacket.
And if you're not familiar with Shia's kind of crazy and you have more time on your hands than the 24 hours it will take you to read this post and you want a really good belly laugh while saying, "What the hell?" at the same time, check out this interview with Shia where he explains his arrest at the Broadway show "Cabaret" and you will understand of what I speak. He is marvelous in his crazy.
And Shia does not disappoint.
He reads a strange, rambling poem about his love for Sia where he proclaims not once, but twice to punch him if he stops crying. The poem ends abruptly with him signing off, "Love Eric."
And I was all, "You still got it, Shia/Eric!Love you, you crazy bastard!"
I was a little let down later when I found out Shia had read a love poem to Sia from her husband Eric which I'm wondering if Eric and Shia are friends because that poem was a little batshit crazy.
And speaking of batshit crazy. Then we have Sia's performance which once again, she employs some dance kid from that awful lady's reality show, the one where she spends all her waking hours screaming at her tiny dancers and their moms and every stage mom in the world is lining up to get her kid into her studio because apparently screaming at little girls works at making them talented dancers because here is this girl, performing all over the place with crazy Sia. And this time, Kristen Wigg is the guest dancer. I did not know Kristen had mad dancing skills. Seems like Girlfriend can do anything.
I definitely liked Kristen's interpretive version better than Lena Dunham's performance on the Ellen Show.
Lena Dunham's performance was weirder than her usual weird. Which is pretty damn weird.
Lena's interpretive dance was over the top cringeworthy. She must have said to herself, "I'm going to over-interpret the shit out of this dance and make myself look like an idiot." Because that's exactly what she did, with strange facial grimaces and dancing while flinging toilet paper everywhere and some way too exuberant bouncing around. Even my dog looked embarrassed for her.
After Sia's weirdness, Beck performs with Coldplay's Chris Martin.
Which, I'm sure Chris's ex wife Gwyneth Paltrow was worked up, too, over Beck's win. She was probably saying to anyone within earshot, "I cannot believe my dearest friend Beyonce didn't win. This is a travesty. Who are these peasants who stole my best friend's award away from her? I need to give my dearest friend some organic essential oils for her pressure points so she can relax from this crushing disappointment."
Because Gwyneth wants everyone to know Beyonce is her BFF. And also, that she's an insufferable idgit.
And actually? I don't blame that insufferable idjit one bit. If Beyonce were my best friend, I'd rent out billboards with our picture on it.
Beyonce and Blurry, (my stage name) love to eat cake together. I know. It was a bad hair day for one of us.
But anyway, Beck performs and everyone should stop dying for half a second and listen to how incredibly brilliant and beautiful his music really is. Sit Down, Kanye.
Then our beautiful Sammy wins Record of the Year and thanks the guy who broke his heart because it spurred him to write "Stay With Me" and make gazillions of dollars and win tons of Grammys and become the world's sweetheart. That, my friends, is the epitome of poetic justice. Good on you, Sammy, good on you.
And finally, finally the night is almost coming to a close.
Beyonce comes out to sing a gospel song and I'm all, "Beyonce and gospel? Okay, so this is going to be the Take Me To Church moment."
But sadly, Bey does not take me to church or anywhere but snoozeville which makes me sad because
Beyonce should always bring it to church, especially when singing a church song.
And then John Legend and Common take the stage and make everything better.
Good night of nights! These two men are F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S together. They took us to church and back home and then back to church again!
And by the way? In my next post, I am going to tell you a story about John Legend and me that will make you cry, cry for me, Argentina and all of the Internet. So stay tuned for that one.
Every time I hear "Glory", which is a lot since I just hit replay over and over again when it pops up on all my playlists, I get all goose pimply and teary eyed just like Chris Pine and David Oyelowo at the Oscars. That little David was so overcome, Oprah had to grab him and give him an Oprah hug.
Which, don't you think Oprah is most assuredly the best hugger in the world? Her hugs probably feel like grilled cheese dunked in tomato soup on a cold day while you're wrapped in a fur blanket sitting next to a crackling fire while a fluffy puppy gently slumbers on your lap and Mark Ruffalo is snuggled up next to you.
And you know she probably ends her hugs with a whisper in your ear of "You go, girl!"
If I got a hug from Oprah, I bet I could do anything.
And that, my friends, is the show and the blessed end of this post.
Stay tuned for my sad tale of John Legend.
I'll see you soon.
Today's Definite Download: Everyone needs to stop crying and give Beck his due. Here is his brilliant, "Where It's At." Listen up and then Sit Down, Kanye.
You've probably been saying to yourself, "Where did that Laundry Girl go?"
Or maybe not.
Maybe the Internet collectively rejoiced and was all, "Yes! It's about time that annoying girl left the blog world. One less harpy on the Internet, yammering about nothing."
(Actually, I wouldn't mind being called a harpy. It's a fun word. Maybe I'll tweet Justin Timberlake and suggest Harpy for his baby. We all know how celebrities love to bestow their offspring with names like Rancid and Muffin Top since they're the special people and normal names are beneath them.)
Or maybe you're saying right now as you read this, "You left? Huh, didn't even notice."
No matter your reaction, the fact of the matter is I did walk away from blogging and most social media and if you missed me, thanks for noticing and I apologize for ducking out of the Internet with nothing but an Irish goodbye.
It wasn't some abrupt decision, I just sort of drifted away because I had a little bit of this and a lot of that going down In Real Life and all those big and little things took up most of my spare time. I kept meaning to come back here. I really did. But I'm sort of a slacker, if truth be told and tomorrow bled into a year of tomorrows and, well, that's it. So, I'm very sorry.
But enough apologizing, let's talk about something more important. The Grammy's.
I know. You're thinking, the Grammy's? What is wrong with this harpy? The Grammy's were a thousand years ago.
Yes, I realize, I'm a day late and a dollar short on the Grammys. And actually, I'm much more than a dollar short, I am what you would call cash poor in the kitty. Meaning, my wallet which is covered in a montage of cats is depleted of cold, hard cash and that is because of the one thing I am in abundance of—daughters.
Daughters are straight up hard-core thieves. They steal everything I own. Clothes, jewelry, makeup, shoes, cash, even my restaurant leftovers. They have no shame. On one occasion, I had a daughter take the shoes right off of my feet because they were perfect for her outfit. And those girls seem to think my cat wallet is their personal free ATM.
So I gave up a long time ago on having cash.
But I started this post the day after the Grammys and now it's nearly 300 years later and I'm still trying to get this done and I'm too invested to just leave it in my "Stuff I never finish" file.
And this is exactly what I'm talking about, the big and little things, they're life sucking, man.
So yes, I am posting about an awards show that happened over a month ago. Promptness is not my strong point.
Let's get started, shall we?
First off, there was the red carpet.
Who was in a heaping bucket of hot water recently over a comment she made about some Zendaya chick's dreadlocks at the Oscars.
During the show, Fashion Police, she cracked a crappy joke about Zendaya smelling like patchouli oil or weed with those dreds. This one stupid joke, which wasn't even funny, started a holy war with Zendaya taking offense and people with dreds taking offense and hairless people taking offense and Kelly Osborne taking offense and Billy Bush becoming offended that Kelly had taken offense and Ozzy Osborne getting so offended at Billy's offense of his daughter that he told Billy to stop acting like a little bitch and threatened to put his foot up Billy's ass. And Kelly becoming so offended by everything, she quit the Fashion Police. And then, Kathy Griffin joined the ruckus by claiming she was so offended because she doesn't like making fun of people (whaaaat?), that she quit the show. And now Fashion Police is in hiatus which essentially means, Buh Bye, Fashion Police.
All over one lame joke.
In the wise words of Joe Pesci, Okay-Okay-Okay, everybody calm down.
First of all, everyone needs to stop being so oversensitive about every stupid thing that comes out of people's mouths. We all say dumb things at one time or another. I'm the Queen of Open Mouth Insert Foot. The point is, most of us are nice and don't have malicious intentions, imperfect but nice. So everyone needs to stop acting like a PMSing 14-year-old girl and calm down.
Which, if you've never been around a PMSing teenage girl on a rager, I pray you never experience that sort of satanic manifestation and if you do know of what I speak, God Bless You.
Second, the show is called Fashion Police and if I am not mistaken, the whole point of the show is to police fashion. Duh.
Third, I'm pretty sure no one watches this show anyway, so who cares.
Fourth, if Joan Rivers had said the same thing, everyone would have said, "Oh Joan!" and laughed and laughed and then been on their way. And that would have been the end of Dredsgate.
And fifth, Ozzy is the man.
Giuliana has since apologized so everyone in the world, please calm down.
Now about that Giuliana. I find her name terribly annoying in terms of the vowel placements. I keep putting the i's and the u's in all the wrong places. No offense to all the weirdly spelled Giulianas of the world. Calm down, everyone.
Also, why isn't anyone force-feeding Giuliana some fettuccine? She is a human bobble head. Look at how she's all covered up on her arms because she doesn't want anyone to notice she has replaced her limbs with twigs.
I've got three words for you, Giuliana of the complicated vowels—nacho cheese dip. That'll turn those twigs back into real woman plumpy arms in no time at all. I speak from experience.
And why is she even on TV? Who is this twig-limbed, dred-hating, bobble headed woman with the hard name? Seriously. I don't understand her celebrity.
Now enough of her. I'm tired of spelling her name.
Let's talk about red-carpet stand-outs.
Madonna used to be my favorite fashion icon on the planet. I'm talking the Madonna of Papa Don't Preach and Holiday MTV video glory days.
Back then, I had rhinestone encrusted Wayfarers and bracelets lining my arms, rosaries around my neck, (sorry Lord) and crop tops because I once had jutting hipbones.
And if there is one piece of advice I'd give girls of today, it would be to show off those hipbones every single second of the day because once they go into hiding, they're not likely to ever show themselves again.
I know. Not very feminist advice, but it is the truth of all women. I'm sure even Gloria Steinem misses her hipbones.
But that was the Madonna of the 80's. The Madonna of today just needs to Stop. It. Now.
Senior Citizen Material Girl is so fixated with looking young and desperately trying to stay relevant that it has gone past the point of ridiculousness. It's now just plain icky.
Elton John and she have been feuding for years. And, I for one, would never engage in squabble with Elton because I am certain that queen can beat down anyone in a war of wits and words. One time he called Madonna a fairground stripper.
A fairground stripper.
That is, hands down, the most fabulous zinger of all time.
A few years back when she was flashing her ta-ta's at all her concert shows, Elton said something akin to, "No one wants to see a 54 year old boob, Madge. Put it away."
And he was right.
I felt just like Elton when Madonna was doing this on the red carpet.
No one wants to see your 56 year-old-ass Madonna, no matter how taut it is.
In fact, while we're at it, I don't want to see anyone's ass. I am so tired of seeing Kim Kardashian's lard ass and everyone else's ass all over the Internet. It has gone beyond ridiculous. We might as well rename the Internet, the Assnet, with the way everyone feels the need to post all their ass selfies. What is with that and all of my favorite sites these days, (I'm looking at you, TMZ) plastering their pages with ass photos? Is the Internet now being run by the 12-year-old boys of the world? I am so tired of looking at ass. Please, everyone stop it. Right now.
But we were talking about Madonna.
And her old lady ass that no one wants to see on the Assnet.
And certainly no one wants to see an over-the-hill-pop-star-trying-too-hard-old-lady matador. That's for sure.
Here's my advice to you Madonna.
Get yourself right.
Stop wearing grills. You're a white girl. A white girl who's eligible for AARP, nonetheless.
And get yourself some sensible boyfriend jeans with some sensible cute wedges and maybe a little boho top from Anthropologie. It's time to stop fighting this ridiculous fight. You're the only one who thinks you're edgy anymore. Quit killing yourself with three hour workouts just so your triceps won't continue to wave after you've stopped waving. Stop eating your macro-glutenless-vegan-raw-paleo stupid-ass diet. Accept the inevitable. Three words for you—Nacho Cheese Dip. Your life will be happier for it. I promise.
And all you special diet people, calm down.
Then there was Sia. Come ON, Sia.
When asked why she hides her face in such bizarre ways and why she performs with her back turned while stars and little kids do interpretative dances of her songs in leotards, she says, "Because I can."
Well I can do a lot of things too, Sia, in my big life. I can go to the grocery store in my matador outfit and moon the bagboys. I can grow my bangs out like Cousin It and order from the coffee guy with my back turned while my kids pantomime my order to the barista. But I don't because we all have a responsibility to be NORMAL to one another. Oh, that's right, I forgot, you celebrities have special rules. Do you like the name Harpy for a child, Sia? Go ahead. Use it. You have my permission. I'll let Justin and Jess know it's taken so maybe they can name their kid May-O-nnaise. Emphasis on the O.
Were you on crack when you picked this one out, Rihanna? Or did you just never get a Barbie cake when you were little? When the two-year-old girls of the world collectively shriek in utter joy at the sight of you, you KNOW you've made a bad fashion choice.
Gwen Stefani. I'm just a girl, the most fabulous girl in the world. Oh, how I love Miss Gwen and her always bad ass fashion and red lips. She is Muy Bonita!
Pharrell Williams and his wife. What?
Now, let me just say I love Pharrell, like as much as I love peanut butter pie, but what in the ever living hell is this? Do you think he just rolled over in bed one morning, nudged his wife and said, "I got it. I'll go to the Grammys dressed like a toddler going to Easter church service and you can wear some Nike onesie pajamas." Bring back the hat, Pharrell is all I'm sayin'.
And here we have Zendaya of the Dreds without her dreds. I want to marry this whole look. Her dreds are beautiful, but I love this fairy-girl hair, (pixie cuts rule) and I am lusting over that dress. I wish I had one of those 3-D printers because I would seriously print out that dress. Who cares about legalities. That dress is the schizz.
Taylor Swift. Utter perfection.
Don't you feel like Taylor is finally back in everyone's good graces now that she's a pop star and shaking it off? Which, she should be in everyone's good graces, mainly because she IS NOT MILEY.
I have always loved this girl. She writes her own songs. She manages her own company. She is nice. She doesn't twerk or tweet out pictures of her va jay jay. She doesn't post ass pictures. And she's pretty darn witty and smart. She had a bad run of it for awhile because the world along with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were making fun of all her angsty songs about old boyfriends. Which hello? In my 20's, if I'd had her kind of song power, my songs would have been a lot less dignified. "Dear John, you're a douche. And I hope you get herpes." Would be the name of my song.
I can't. I just...no. Who is this?
Kim Kartrashian or a Bratz Doll, I'm not sure which.
How did this happen, America? How did this classless lard ass wannabe become the person most likely to break the Internet? Is this our first plague? You know, all those plagues that are supposed to signify the beginning of the Apocalypse? It's the Kardashians, isn't it? They're our first plague.
Thanks a lot God and Ryan Seacrest.
This outfit looks like my robe. Seriously. My robe is a button up flannel sexy thing and I've lost all the buttons except for the one in the middle, so yeah, that is essentially my robe there on Kim. And I know what you're thinking. My husband is one lucky guy. And you, Internet, would be right.
So, that's a wrap for the red carpet.
I've decided to break this one blog post that took me 300 years to write into a series of posts, because it's so lengthy, you would all get blood clots from sitting for the ten hours it would take to read this and I honestly don't want to be responsible for that many deaths. I mean, I feel guilty when I kill a bug, so go ahead and read this short little post and then do some jumping jacks. I'll be back in a few days with Part II.
It's good to see you again, Internet.
Today's Definite Download: "XO" from the Queen. Beyonce's sugary sweet pop anthem is usually not my thing. I like my music sometimes dark, sometimes thundering, sometimes folksy, sometimes quirky and almost always alternative and off the beaten path. I do love Beyonce's latest album. (more on that in part II) It's experimental and edgy and weird and shows a lot of rawness from the very private Beyonce. This is her most radio friendly tune off the album and it's just a delicious swoonworthy song. I love it. You can check it outright here.