I Wander Around In The Dark Alleys Of My Brain
Tuesday, February 24, 2009

There is this agent's blog I follow. Not only does he devote a wonderful piece of himself to the world of aspiring writers, filling us all with hope and knowledge with his helpful advice, he's also a big somebody in the world of the literary peeps. 

I've got my eye on him. 

It also helps that in his picture he looks like he has rockin', great hair and he lives in my favorite city on the planet, the one that earthquakes enjoy visiting, too. 

I plan on submitting my manuscript to him first.

I feel like I owe it to him, to be my first.

Rejection, that is. 

I'm only half-kidding. See, the route to becoming a published author is a treacherous, rocky road and every agent, every writer, every publisher will tell you that rejections, multitudes of them, are just the stones and boulders along the way. You just climb over them, keeping your head and spirits above the clouds. 

We'll see. Easier said than done. I don't feel like being rejected.

I just want to be loved.

While I am busy polishing and editing my Baby, I inhale Nathan's advice every day. He tells it like it is and how hard it will be, but he has this way of doing it with a tender kindness, the best way to handle soft-hearted writers like me. 

He posed a question to ponder the other day, which he does often. "Does your family support you in your writing career?"

I wanted to shout from the mountain tops, "Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!"  

Between the "make your own dinner" nights (many of them), to the baskets of unclaimed socks (a matching game for anyone who needs a pair), to The Hubby carting the kids away for a day or a weekend, giving me the most precious gift anyone could, time and space.

I am grateful.

But, then I started furrowing my brow with some heavy-duty pondering and I realized there is a side to me that no one supports.

Because, they can't.

It's a writer thing. When I'm writing, I'm creating a world, characters, a story, all inside my blonde, little head. There are days that I breathe, eat, dream and live in that story. And on those days, it is hard to pull myself out of it, into the real world, the world where I am Mom and Wife. 

There are days that even though I'm existing with my family, I am doing only that. I retreat to my writing space for more time than I should. I am a shadow in their world, quiet and fairly unresponsive, grunting my responses, resenting the intrusion of them as my mind whirls and wants to linger in another place. 

I am frustrated and torn with guilt. I have created this family, these schmoozey folks that I so love. And they are used to me being the center of our heart, the one who is there for every bit of this life we have together. 

But, my work has stolen me from them, more times than they can understand. The story calls. My family shouts louder. It is a constant tug of war over my heart. 

It is a balance I will always struggle with. I'm not very good at it, in fact I'm a terrible clutz and I fall often.

But, I will try. I will write and pursue publishing, and kiss boo-boos and kiss my man and listen to their troubles big and small and be...just be.

Today's Must Have Download: OK, I've showed enough restraint, I can't take it anymore! It's time for more U2. And today, I will hand you two Bono gifts. "With or Without You." Not my fave U2 song, but since I am a U2 scholar, I know that Bono wrote this in frustration over the ties of family versus his music. It is a recurring theme with all artists. 

The second is my fave! I'm jumping up and down in U2 excitement to give you this. "Where The Streets Have No Name." When I heard this for the first time, I wept. I really did. How many times can you say that about a song? I'm sure you all know it, have heard it on the radio, a zillion and a half times, but when you download this like I know you will, you have to listen, really listen to this masterpiece. Listen to how it begins with two full minutes of this beautiful, cathedral like synthesizer beginning, an eventual merging of Edge's genius guitar work, the two of them together create this transcendental brilliance where you feel as if you will soar away on the wings of this music and then if that isn't enough, the Man himself, belts out, "I want to run..." And...there begins the most masterful song I have ever known. If you can, download a live version, the energy of it will keep you pumped up, making you feel as if you can accomplish anything.

Me...I'm just getting started. 


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