Laundry Hurts My Feelings: And the Winner Is.....

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Sigh.... A girl can dream about days gone by, right?

It certainly wasn't the elation I felt, when the Cook man won, the kind of triumphant buzz that sent me screaming and dancing about the room while the family looked on as if the Baker Act might just have to be phoned in. What can I say? I loved that hot man's reaction when he was crowned AI King. I loved the uproar from the crowd after Ryan let the name David hang in the air for what seemed like an eternity, while Archie looked like he just might pee his pants, waiting to hear whether his Dad was going to kick his ass for losing. I loved David Cook's tears, his rockin' suit, his sexy scruff. I just plain loved him. How could I not? I have his haircut, after all.

The coronation of Kris Allen last night made me jump around and dance in giddy abandon, high-fiving the O-Dawg, while taunting Victoria, the Adam fan. But, it just wasn't the same. I wasn't as invested in my Dark Horse winner.

But, it has certainly become apparent that the majority of AI viewers are invested - way too scary, over-the-top invested! The furious maelstrom that has taken over the country over this stunning finish is....I don't know... a little wackadoodle. This shocking upset is more heated than the creationism vs. evolution debate, filled with as much malevolence as Israel and Palestine's timeless war, as finger-pointing sneering as the Bush/Gore voting debacle. And, by the way, don't blame this one on Florida. This is just plain insanity.

As usual, after the show, I signed on to my Facebook. Because, that's what all my friends and I do with our big lives, we take quizzes and dissect American Idol.

I whipped up a status proclaiming my happiness and before I knew it, the Adam Lambert maniacs were unleashing their black-painted claws.

There was name calling, taunting and just plain indignant meanness. I was labeled by one person, after I commented on a friend's wall, a music racist. Yeah, I really can't argue with that one. But, then I had one chick, on that same wall, tell me it was obvious I had the musical taste of a 12-year old girl. Me! Me!

I ended up getting in a fight with someone on my niece's page. My niece was over here watching with us. She loved the Dark Horse, too and said so on her status. A "friend" of hers used some pretty, homophobic, vile words to describe my sweet niece and her choice. I called her out on it, because in my opinion, there is NEVER a reason to use hate slurs even if it is in jest or even if it is because you seriously need a life when you're that enraged over Adam losing. Turns out, it wasn't in jest. Turns out, she wasn't a friend. Turns out she had a lot more vile words in that potty mouth of hers. And so....the games began.

I might be a weakling wuss who would lose a physical fight with a toddler, but do not mess with me when it comes to the employment of words on paper. I am the Mike Tyson of word fighting. I will rip your ear off and nosh on it with some Fava Beans and a good Chianti.

Ask the principal of my girls' school who has been on the receiving end of any of the emails I have sent over policies I found reprehensible.

Ask my friend, Joe, who could bench press me with one hand. He made the mistake, one time, of comparing housework to "real man's" work, complaining about having to vacuum on Facebook.

Joe, too, is a wordsmith. But, after an entire page of FB sparring over the eternal woman is better than man debate, he conceded, (albeit, privately on my wall, robbing me of a public victory), confessing my blasting, wordy uppercuts were too much for him.

Crazy, homophobic girl didn't stand a chance. I rained down the vitriol and then my niece deleted her. I almost felt sorry for her. But, then I remembered she started it, by calling my darling, sweet niece a fag and a bitch.

Everyone remembers it's a TV show, right?

But, a TV show that rocked the house last night! I have to say that even though the finish was rather anti-climatic, (even Kris was shocked Adam didn't win, obvious, when he stuttered after being proclaimed the winner, "But, but, Adam deserves this."), the show itself was the best finale in Idol history.

They trotted out musical stars, old and new. My David was there with blonde hair that I wasn't so sure about, but he sang poignantly, a song for his recently deceased brother, making me forget his hair and remember why he is The Man of Hotness Who Does All Things Angst In A Very Sexy Way That Makes Me Swoon.

Queen Latifah was splendid as usual. The Black Eyed Peas kicked it. Oh, how I adore that musical genius, will.i.am! The ever so amazing Cindi Lauper did a duet with Allison. I tried to explain to my girls, what an iconic, musical talent she is, but they couldn't get past her little-girl voice that I so love, telling me, "Allison sings waaay better than her, Mom."

They are ignorant fools when it comes to music.

Take, Carlos Santana. I'm extolling his fierce guitar playing virtues to my girls while he plays, telling them that this man is a master, up there with Hendrix, B.B King, Clapton and Stevie Ray Vaughn, that he doesn't play his guitar, he lets it sing and weep and scream, that his guitar playing is such a thing of beauty, his instrumental "Europa" is their father and my's song. And After all that, one of them turns to me and says, "Doesn't he make shoes?"

Ignorant Fools. Although, Carlos does make a fabulous shoe!

Rod Stewart hung in there, even though, I think he might have broken into Paula's stash from her non-sober days. He stumbled a bit, here and there, but still rocked it. It did make me a little depressed when I realized, just yesterday, I was in high school and he was crooning, "Tonight's the Night" and fathering children with every blonde supermodel that crossed his path.

When did he get old? Because, I didn't.

And then of course, there was Bikini girl. I hate the nonsense of the night when they add the silly acts of the past year, but this was a thing of beauty. After proclaiming at her try-out, that she could sing better than Judge Kara, they brought that vain bitch out to sing last night.

As Bikini Girl warbled pitifully on stage, out of the shadows strutted Kara, blasting that bitch into silence with her fantastic voice. And just when you thought, it couldn't get any better, Kara ripped her dress in two, showing off her really, rockin' bod. The look on that awful girl's face was pure gold.

Kara redeemed herself, in my eyes, last night. I was ready to see her go. The headache of her blabbering added to Paula's was the only reason I needed. But, then she wrote that song, that hideous, hideous song for the winner. Singing about climbing mountains, weathering hurricanes, and you can go higher and deeper with notes so out of control even Adam couldn't hit them, I held my ears. It was that much of an awful mess.

But, ripping off her dress, made me love the girl no matter how much she blabbers or writes bad songs.

Best part of the night, was Kiss and Adam. My girls, once again, showing their ignorant foolishness, were appalled at the long, snakey tongue of Gene Simmons. I told them, "You think that's disgusting. You should see him do it without the makeup. Ew."

When they were cranking to "I Wanna Rock N Roll All Night," I wanted to do just that. It was beyond great. It was the best Karaoke party, I've ever been to in my life.

It also ticked me off. Like the rest of this year's season, it has all been a softball slow-pitch to Adam. It started with the slobbering set of judges who acted like he's the best thing that's happened to music since The Beatles.

Yes, the man has a register of uncanny ability. Yes, the man is comfortable on a stage. In my opinion, he's a little too comfortable, hamming it up like he's in a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But, not everyone in the world wants to listen to vocal gymnastics on their regular playlist. I, for one, love Maria Callas. Now that's a woman who can slam out some notes, but do I want to keep her in my top 40? No, She's reserved for special moments. When I'm up for it.

I didn't vote for Kris because he's cute. I didn't vote for him because he's mainstream. I didn't vote for him because I think Adam's music styling is weird. (Have you been paying attention? My musical taste could sometimes be described as weird.) I didn't vote for him because he's a Christian. And I certainly, didn't vote for him because I don't want a gay Idol. Adam's sexuality is his business. It's the way the world should work.

I voted for Kris because I liked his style. I liked the feel of his Jason Mraz sound and I think his talents were sorely overlooked while the judges were busy fawning over Adam's shriek range.

The fact that Kris was paired with Keith Urban. Keith Urban? while Adam got Kiss. The fact that the final song of the night was "We Are The Champions" by Queen. Hello, Freddy Mercury! Hmmm, I wonder who they were pandering to? They were ready to crown their king and when it didn't happen.....That's when things got ugly and the pop culture of America turned into a vicious slug-fest.

The musical taste of a twelve year old girl? Please, Bitch. Come take a look at my IPod. In the words of The Man, Jack: You can't handle the truth.

I'm already missing my Idol. Does anyone know when Project Runway starts?

Today's Forced Download: I'll give you some big girl music, now. "Use Somebody" by the fantabulous Kings Of Leon. They remind me of the southern rockers of my youth with a little grungy, alternative bite to them. Caleb Followill, lead singer, of this band of brothers, has a growling howl of a voice. He would never make it on Idol. Not enough Mariah Carey in him.

I'll end it on this note. As Kris stood there, looking dazed, as if he shouldn't be allowed to be proclaimed winner, singing that horrific song, with weirdly, first-booted Jorge, beaming over his shoulder, as if he had won with his scary unibrow and thick accent, the skies of the theater opened up and rained down confetti.

We'd finished our victory dance and we were watching in silence, feeling the anti-climatic let-down, wondering why Jorge was hogging the spotlight. O-Dawg piped up and said, "Everything in life is always better with confetti."

I love that thought. There's going to be a lot more confetti in my life from now on.