For the first few weeks, they were no trouble since really all they ever did was eat and sleep and mew like kittens. My Julia, always a constant in their pen.
Their mother ate their poop which was disgusting to watch, but totally appreciated by me. Turns out it was about the only motherly thing she could master—poop eating. And she gets props from me in that category because I think if I were a dog, I'd be like, "Xcuse me Master Person, do you have any of those pooper scoopers and a plastic bag? Cause, you might want to pick up that mess right quick."
They grew into fat lardo puppies in just about a minute's time. Their eyes opened and they began staggering around like drunken sailors. They still spent most of their days in newborn slumber.
They had a real affinity for lounging on their pee pads, obviously a precursor to poop rolling. So thankful, I lucked out on the human thing and wasn't born as a dog. I would have been the prissiest dog ever in the history of dogs.
They began to eat real food which was a royal pain in the ass. I was your typical first-time mom and did everything by the book. My book said to buy the good kind of puppy food, the kind that is more expensive than MY food and process it in a food processor mixed with puppy formula.
That's right, formula for puppies.
Eating solid food became their passion, often gorging themselves into drunken stupors.
And along with solid food came the Real-Dog poop. Lots and lots of Real-Dog poop.
It was about this time that their mother, Paris Hilton, took this approach to mothering.
Their little systems emptied out constantly. Great for them— the stuff of nightmares for me. Seriously, I dreamt about dog poop, dog crap worming its way into my subconscious.
But then, something happened.
Running and Pooping became their specialties.
I spent my days outside, wheezing and soaked in sweat, as 5 puppies scattered in different directions the second I put them down.
Paris Hilton didn't help much. She'd wander over to see if she could steal any good dog toys. Honestly. Not only is she a crap mom, she would steal all their toys and treats right out of their baby mouths. Never in the history of dogdom has there been such an awful mom.
It was about this time, the creatures of the woods took notice of my runninnnng babies. At first, the only threat was the Bald Eagle that would circle as my pups raced off in 5 different directions. And, I've seen enough birds of the lake get swooped up and carted away by my majestic friends, to know, that a 6- week old puppy is no match for a bald eagle.
It was Wrestle-Mania twenty-four/seven in their closed up room. Notice the utter chaotic pit-hole the room quickly turned into and also note the filthy windows, smeared by the constant lickings of puppy tongues who lusted for their outside recreation.
Note the puppy paw in the corner, lunging in for the tackle.
Here they are, eating my couch:
And here's where they captured the roll of paper towels I kept handy for the constant trail of poop, shredding it into millions of teeny, tiny pieces. All while The Hubby chose to keep snapping, instead of, let's say, TELLING THEM NO AND TAKING THE DAMN ROLL AWAY FROM THEM.
And then of course, you can't forget the woman who's fed you and cleaned up after you and bought you all those freakin' dog toys. Let's chew up her coat!
I now knew how I could bear to let them go.
They have all been adopted by their new families, but in their honor, I wanted to spotlight each of them and tell you a little something about my sweet, furry friends.
She also went by her alias of Dawwwg-Dizzle.
Lilly went to Grandma and Grandpa where she keeps abreast of all the current events while watching Fox News constantly. Her new name is Zeba, which I'm pretty sure is Aramaic for Bill O' Reilly. She has become the light of their life and we are so very glad for all of them.
Here's Grandpa, the first night we brought his new puppy to him. Before this, Grandpa hadn't bent down since 1978.
Our only boy Jake, went to our dear friends, Tim and Michelle. Jake's not your typical, fearless boy. In fact, Jake was kind of an enormous crybaby. No offense to Tim and Michelle, but he definitely showed all the others what it was like to be a wuss. Even if he is a pansy, Jake is extraordinarily handsome and the first one to understand potty training. He went to a home already occupied by a big, boisterous Lab named Riley. Riley will make a man out of Jake.
She went to Bill and Ellen, Tim's parents. Ironically, for a woman who didn't want a barking dog, she got the barkiest dog of them all! No matter. She loves her Daisy, fitting her with a pink collar and matching leash. Daisy now lives on the beach where she frolics in the tides and rolls around in the seaweed and I've been thinking, perhaps I'll offer myself up to Bill and Ellen in a trade adoption. I like pink and I would definitely like to frolic in the tides all day. I'm also potty trained and I only bark at the dung beetles. So, they might just be getting themselves a better deal.
And that left two— Delilah and Sophie. And the thing was, I couldn't choose between the two of them. Just look at them. Could you?
Delilah has soulful black eyes that stare out at you through her shaggy face. She is lively and full of bouncy energy and she cuddles up to her sister when she sleeps.
Posted by Joann Mannix at 10:29 PM