Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up
Friday, February 26, 2010

One of my sisters pointed out something about my blog the other day and it is NECESSARY that I 
clear this something up immediately.

She mentioned some of her friends read my blog, (Thanks friends!), and they were wondering if 
the various pictures on my Facebook Badge are really me. 


After I stopped gasping in mortification, I knew I had some splainin' to do. 

If you look over to the right, you'll see my Facebook Badge. I have a ton of fun on Facebook. I'm not going to go into my FB love, because I've got major stuff to do today, but that is my let-my-hair-down place to go and thanks to my friends, some, (ahem . . . whispers Jody's name) who are even more irreverent than me, we have a hell of a party going on over there all the time. 

The top picture, the girl in the red shirt, that's me. (I love that shirt so much. It's just the perfect red. Not too orangey. Not too hard. Reds are temperamental with me, but this one was born to be my red.) And of course, that's my wonderful Hubby with me.

A few weeks ago, it was "Post Your Celebrity Lookalike As Your Profile Pic" week.  And since I like to be a funster, I posted 2 different celebrities. 

The top one is Annie Lennox. 

I've been asked for the last 20 somethin' years, "Do you know who you look like?" And I've always nodded my head and said, "Yes, Annie Lennox." 

Although, one time as Annie's name was about to fall from my lips, the person doing the asking said, "You look like Ty Pennington."

I was all, "For Real?" 

I was consumed with the peach fuzz on my face for a long time after that.

Then there was the time, my daughter was introduced on the football field before the Friday night game. Her high school has a tradition of introducing all seniors who participate in the games, at the last game of the season. So, the players, cheerleaders, band and colorguard seniors all parade onto the field with their parents flanking them. It's a dressy occasion, so I wore something perhaps with a short dress kind of feel and maybe a little bling and my leggings and stilettos.

Now, I wear heels just about everywhere and let me tell you, it is toouuugh, clomping down the 50 yard line as your spiking heels are flinging up astroturf. Anyway, after they introduced my little dancing daughter, she went off to commandeer her squad and we took our rightful place in the parents' section of the stands. At halftime looking for some cash for the concessions, she found us and informed me that one of her guy friends thought I looked like Victoria Beckham. 

I wept right there in the stands.

So, except for the Dude who obviously needs glasses and the person who thought I looked like a well-muscled, over-gelled, carpenter man, I've always been told I look like Annie. 

Annie sings like a nightingale and has flawless skin, free of any wrinkles. 

I sing like a frog and my crow's feet are more like California Condor feet, 

but I do have blonde, short hair. So, there's that . . .

My first bit of trouble came when FB friends who'd missed my post on the celebrity look-a-like status, started oohing and ahhing over my Annie Lennox pic, saying, "You look AMAZING!" 

And I was all, "Dear God! My high school reunion's coming up! I need to set the record straight or people are going to think I must have suddenly taken up meth."

I didn't think I needed to explain the other picture. 

That is Coco, wife of rapper Ice T, owner of enormous bazoombas and a badonkadonk like no other. Clearly, she is not me with my flat pancake butt. Thus, the reason I posted her pic on my blog, because I'm all about the ironicadelic laughs, no matter how pitiful my attempts.

And so to make this absolutely clear, the beautiful Annie and the pole-dancer giving her best to the lollipop, are both NOT me, even on my best days. 

Having said that, my Hubby threw a new one at me the other day. 

He was on the phone with his people, the Mac customer service line because he thinks they're all there, waiting for his call so they can chit-chat in a best friend kind of way.

I heard him say to Laurie, the poor customer service girl, who had had to do the chatty-chat with him while helping him with whatever Mac triviality that had popped into his Mac head that day, "Where are you Mac people at?"

He laughed after she answered and said, "Oh, they hate my wife there."

So, I immediately knew he was talking about Oregon. 

I've mentioned it before in my blog, but it bears repeating. Those Oregon folks are not nice to my kind. 

And if you're from Oregon, I apologize, but the Land Of The Old Hippies and All Things Granola really  has a deep hatred for girls who like to paint their lips and brush their hair and wear high heels and maybe a little fur, (fake), and some leather, (not fake) and you know, just in general, girls who like to look . . . clean and maintenanced. 

Now, I, myself have no problem with women who think makeup is ridiculous or women who think dreads and hairy armpits are the way to go. I tolerate diversity in grooming. But, don't be hatin' on me because I'm different than your jagged fingernail self. We can all co-exist. 

Except for a few places, like the jewelry store and the one non-Birkenstock shoe shop I found, every Oregonian shot me nasty looks and lobbed snide comments at me. 

Twice. TWICE, I was referred to as Barbie.

And not in a good way like, "Hey, you're looking as fresh as the new Fab Girl, Barbie."


In a restaurant, I innocently asked my waitress if the long line of both men and women snaking its way through the restaurant was the bathroom line. Our waitress, who wore her gray, witchy hair past her waist and seemed to enjoy flaunting her braless breasts which were also past her waist, in a tight gray t-shirt that read, "Bitch", gave me the scathing once-over and said with just the right sting of snark, "Yup, it's a unisex bathroom, but don't worry Barbie, it shouldn't take too long. Just sit tight with your pretty little self."

Pretty was uttered in a hiss.

I was so wounded. 

My hubby asked poor Mac service girl Laurie if she was like the other Oregonians. Did she wear makeup? 

She did not. Ah-hah! But, she also said she was not prejudiced against girls who did, so I guess all the nice Oregonians were hanging out at their houses doing yard work, while I was there, cause I didn't meet many of them.

So, as my hubby related my story to her, in his effort to describe my Barbie look, he said, "She looks like Bridgitte Nielsen."

And I was all, "COME ON!!!! I look more like Ty Pennington than Brigitte Nielsen!"

And he told her, "Oh, I mean Annie Lennox."

Because, the two of those ladies are easily interchangeable. 

Poor Laurie had to listen as my husband told the rest of the story, which was in a nutshell, that by the time I left Oregon, I felt abused and as much of an outsider as I've ever felt in my life. And that's saying a lot, being the 90 pound dweeb who was always picked last in PE every single time throughout all my years of grade school. 

It wasn't until we crossed the border and found ourselves in Napa, that I found comfort. The first girl we came across was wearing a fur jacket, a plunging lace camisole and red stilettos. She had platinum blonde gloss for hair, jumbo silver hoops in her ears and silvery eye shadow up to her eyebrows. I smiled at her in secret girly-girl language and whispered to my Hubby, "It feels good to be back with my people. I never want to go to that mean place again."

Sorry Oregon, but be nice. We high maintenance queens need love, too. 

So, really all I was trying to tell you Internet, was that this is me. 

Annie Lennox, Ty Pennington, Brigitte Nielsen and Coco the stripper/rapper wife, I am not . . .

This is me, giant Condor Feet around my eyes and Barbie accessories and a perfect red. 

Glad we straightened that out. 

Today's Dooo Itttt Download: The Cure's, "Pictures of You."

I love The Cure. I was so into them back in the day. The Cure brings back memories of simpler days and great heartbreaking angst and passionate loves that consumed me for at least a couple of days. The great lyrics, the sad, mournful vibe they had going on were just perfect snapshots of my life all those years ago. 

If only those pictures were real. 

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel


Kelly said...

At least you look like a beautiful AND talented singer. Me? The only celebrity I have ever been compared to was the actress who played Mrs. Kotter on "Welcome Back Kotter." When I was in 8th grade. Which is why I declined to partake in the Facebook Celebrity Lookalike event. Lately, I've been looking more like the Cryptkeeper's older sister.

l i z said...

haha! i admit, i was wondering that about those two fb badge photos as well.

and i LOVE the cure, btw.

Lisa said...

Oh, my - that was funny!! I didn't participate in the celebrity lookalike thing, because IDK WHO I look like. Back in college, after my first "love" and I broke up, I cut my hair really, really short and everyone said I looked like Courtney Cox in Bruce Sprintsteen's video. Remember that one...where her hair was short? Also, someone who was on As The World Turns, but I didn't really watch that and so I can't remember who it was. Then, when I was Twenty-something I was always told I looked like Mel Harris from Thirty-Something...but since I am now Forty-Something I'm guessing not so much. So, now I have no idea who I look like, which is why I didn't participate. Whew. That was a really long explanation. Sorry!!

LisaPie said...

1. Ice-T's wife? OMG! What do you suppose she looks like in the morning hours?

2. Shame on Oregonianians, being mean to you. I guess there's a reason I don't live there.

3. Ty Pennington? Yep, that dude was blind who said that! What a Gomer!

4. Kelly - Cryptkeeper's older sister! Hahahahahaha! Funniest thing I have heard all day! I tend to tell people I look like Casper's older sister. I am melanine-challenged, shall we say.

5. Back in the 80's I used to get Ally Sheedy a lot. Then I became a mom and got old, and not so much any more.

6. And I think you look perfectly lovely. Especially in that gorgeous red. I love red myself. I have a red car, several red purses, and the cutest pair of Chuck Taylor hi-tops made of red kimono satin you ever saw! I am guessing ole Ice-T would not want to hang out with me! : )

Anonymous said...

Oh I love so many things about this post! One: I love The Cure! B: You look amazing in that red. Third: Bridgette Neilson No and Double NO.

Tell hubby that the next time he refers to you as Gitte that he'd better be wearing a gigantic clock around his neck!

Anonymous said...

What part of Oregon were you in? Here in a suburb of Portland, I live 15 minutes from a Nordstrom and 15 minutes from a Nordstrom Rack (yay! my fave!)--both stores are always packed with women buying girly things. I assure you, we have plenty of high heels here. Most of them are in my closet. If you were in Eugene, though... I get it.

Target Steve said...

I was wondering about the "Coco" photo (I thought it was Anna Nicole Smith) and what it had to do with you...hmmm the possibilities.

I really do like the wholesome girl-next-door look of the real you though.

I am not on FB as I barely find time to read the blogs I like and I hear it is a time sucking vortex. However, I would have to say 25 years ago I was told I looked like Erik Estrada a lot. So now I would guess I look like Erik Estrada on some sort of Celebrity Rehab show??

Mhel said...

HAHA, I got confused as well...
Stopping by from SITS...

Happy Saturday Sharefest!!

The Insatiable Host said...

Well..what can I say...although I dont agree with Bridget Neilson or Ty Pennington. I feel like COCO does look all tranny-licious so that's a no again...I think that the Annie Lennox guess, it at least a little more respectable, or the lead singer from the Cranberries....hmmmm....nah, you look like Slim Shady! Please stand up! Please stand up!!

lol...Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!!!! I wasn't listed under your blog, but I saw the title of your post, got the song in my head, cranked it on my radio and am now stuck with Mr. Marshall Mathers in my head!

have a great day!



come check out my sites!!

Joann Mannix said...

Anonymous: I should have clarified that. We DID spend our first night in Portland and that was AMAZING filled with savvy urbanites and delish food, but we were there to sample the famous Oregon Pinot's, so most of our time was spent in the wine country. Lovely wine, but those folks . . . gosh, most of them could have used some tolerance lessons.

Thanks guys, once again, over and over and round the world and back, for your comments. I love them so much.

Tiffaney said...

I can toally see the Bridgit Neilson reference, when she was all lithe and leggy and blond and bluxome and hot back in the Beverly Hills Cop II day cicra 1987. That's a total compliment to you, BTW! Even I wanted to be her back then, and I'm a 5'4" Italian brunette.

Shelley said...

You know, I've seen your picture before this, and not once did I ever think, "Wow, she looks like Ty Pennington!"

le Chef said...

Ty Pennington & Brigitte Nielsen?
OMG, I am so sorry LOL!

Annie, yes, but Ty Pennington?
I'da slapped them. Twice.

BTW: I love your writing style. Very smooth and enjoyable.

The Furry Godmother said...

OMG I thought I was the only person who had a thing against Oregon! Those are some of the meanest people I have ever met. Seriously. They weren't just rude. They were ugly, snide and nasty.

I won't bore you with my tirade on Oregon. We'd have to get into a bottle of tequila for that.

It didn't occur to me that they were nasty because I have bathed in this decade and wore a clean dress...Thanks for clearing that up!

ProudSister said...

You know that picture of Coco is your body with her head super-imposed. Tell the truth! I did not participate in the FB celebrity look alike week because I've only ever been told I look like Rachel Ray and who isn't a little sick of Rachel Ray right now? The voices in my head tell me I look just like Angelina Jolie, but no one else can hear them.

Connie said...

I have had your Oregon experience in Boulder. You should stay far, far away from there.

There is also the time that I mentioned to my husband's co-workers date (at the Christmas party) that she looked great with make up. This was my answer when she informed me that she lived in Boulder.

I haven't been invited to anymore office parties....

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