Lessons I Am Learnin' You Today—You Are Welcome
Thursday, March 11, 2010

Did you know that 4-month old Labradoodle puppies are morons?



Did you know that they crap 1,762 times a day . . .  on the average?


And that most of those craps are taken in the house because they are equal opportunity crappers?

Did you know that 4-month old Labradoodle puppies have the WORST palate on the face of the earth?

Did you know I found one of my puppies yesterday eating dirt, that's right, dirt? And that she 
seemed to be enjoying every single, second of her dirt eating, with her head tilted back towards the 
sun, her scruffy chin pure black as if she were George Clooney after a rough night, her eyes closed 
as she chewed like she'd uncovered black truffles instead of . . .  you know, dirt.

Did you know that these two bitches are out to kill me before their first birthday?

Did you know that they think when I call their names to come, it means to just keep on, keepin' on 
with their bad selves, doing whatever imbecilic puppy thing their little pea brains can think of, like 
eating dirt, rolling in poop, running away from me as fast as they can, getting stuck in the bur bushes time after time after freakin' time, ensuring that they will have one million burs to pull out of their fur because I don't have enough to do with my time, I need to spend my valuable life moments 
painstakingly pulling out burs?

Did you know that a few days ago after much calling and chasing, they finally, finally got the idea and sped into the house?

Did you know that it was only after they'd been in the house for a few minutes that the smell assailed my nostrils and I realized they were playing tug of war with something in their little bitch mouths?

Did you know that I unwisely stuck my hand on the object, realizing too late that it was a headless, dead bird?

Did you know that it is ungodly to shove your hand into two puppies rancid mouths, as you scrape every bit of rotting bird carcass from their pie-holes?

Did you know there are not enough Yankee Candles in the world to rid your house of the scent of decapitated dead bird?

Did you know that I have a septic tank and one must be very diligent about what does NOT go into the toilet?

Did you know that when girls live under the same roof, their cycles synchronize, everyone going through the same course of nature at the same time?

Did you know that  I have three daughters, all who've reached a womanly age? 

Did you know there are certain times of the month in my house where it's best to start having a cocktail by 7:00 am? And I thought my days of suffering were over the day— to borrow my friend Paula's golden phrase— they took my whore of a uterus out. 

Little did I know, they had just begun.

Did you know that my college girl is home for a visit?

Did you know that even though she has made the Dean's List in her very first semester of college, she is smart on paper, ONLY? In other parts of her life, she closely resembles the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz searching fruitlessly for his brain. Think I'm being mean? She told us recently she wouldn't be able to help us drive in Tennessee because her Florida license doesn't work there. 

Any more questions?

Did you know that I have a life, besides my children and Hubby and housework and sometimes that involves getting out of my slave castle? Okay, so it was for some volunteer work at one of my kid's schools, on this certain day, but still, it's somethin'.

Did you know that, on this certain day, my college girl left the house to . . . ?  Oh, I don't know, eat Taco Bell and spend copious amounts of money at Walmart and whatever else college kids do as evident in her debit card purchases 

Did you know that her one and only job when she left the house after me was to secure the puppies in their crate?

Did you know that she didn't realize she had to LOCK the crate? She just thought if she closed the door, those morons would respect the honor system and stay in their cage. Duh.

Did you know that those little bitches, I'm sure, waited for the second she zoomed away and pushed open that crate door with their little noses, and said, "Oh yeah, Puppy Partayyy Time! You go see where the crazy lady stashed that headless dead bird. I've got a Persian carpet that's calling my name. It's Puppy Crapping Time!"

Did you know that I was gone five hours? 

Five.

Did you know that my husband is a contradiction of a man?

Did you know he's an expert marksman and loves shooting, but only shoots targets and clay pigeons? We had this snarling raccoon on our patio one night and I begged him to, you know, do something and he just didn't have it in him. He said he couldn't harm a helpless animal. Have you ever seen a raccoon's teeth and those gnarly paws?  Helpless? I think not.

Did you know he loves fine wine, entertaining, cooking and shopping for beautiful dishes? 

Did you also know that he loves weaponry of all kinds, anything that has a large engine, video games especially if it's Call of Duty or any sort of killing theme, movies that have no thoughts or emotion to them? It's not worth his time unless it has bombs, killings, and women in tight leather clothing, 

Did you know that even though he works incredibly hard to make a beautiful life for us, he makes sure to have his "me" time? I'm still waiting for mine. So far, my "me" time consists of ME sneaking off to the bathroom, to read a few pages of a book, but even then the dogs always find me.

Did you know that on this day that I speak of, My Hubby found his "me time" by heading off to the shooting range? He brought along with him one of his shooting buddies. 

Did you know that I've given you a few random facts that will all now tie together? Remember the septic tank, three girls on the same cycle, dogs in unlocked crates in an empty house?

Did you know there is a smell more vile than rotting, decapitated dead bird? 

Hard to believe. But there is, Internet, there is. 

How can I describe it . . .  hmmm, let's see:  Let's just pretend you walked into your house that had been closed up for the entire day and imagine finding puppy poop everywhere. Because you see, not only do the two Stooges poop in the house, they then plod right through their dung and voila, you have puppy crap tracks ALL. OVER. YOUR. HOUSE. 

Now I apologize Internet, but add to that mix shredded, used tampons EVERYWHERE. THE. EYE. CAN. SEE. Add to that vomitorium mess, piles of puppy puke, because surprisingly, tampons do not digest well in puppies' precarious systems. Add to that gruesome scene whatever the hell other contents they could find in every single one of my wastebaskets throughout the house. 

Did you know that one of those little bitches had the audacity as I stood there overcome by nausea and horror and fire-breathing anger, to greet me with her little waggie tail and then squat right in front of my shocked eyes?

Did you know that I scooped that craphead up, screaming and crying like a madman all the way to the door? 

Did you know that I used up every obscenity in my obscenity vocabulary? Which is a lot of words, Internet, A LOT of words.  

Did you know that I left the entire tribe of three dogs outside as I surveyed the battlefield of shredded feminine products, vomit, poo, snotty tissues, shredded newspaper, two pairs of chewed up undies, one being my hubby's, (talk about an awful palate!), three destroyed flip-flops, and inexplicably an untouched piece of celery? 

I don't understand. They find dirt, used tampons and my hubby's dirty underwear to be delectable, but they take one lick of the celery and decide it's too gross for their gourmand taste-buds? 

I mean, what the hell? I'm not a big fan of celery myself, but I'll sure as shit, take it over dirt and tampons any damn day.

Did you know that while I was sobbing and cursing like a sailor and sliding on my rubber gloves, I looked out the window to see Morono and Moroni, at the foot of the lake?

Did you know that in Florida, the lakes are filled to the brim with alligators, alligators who like to sun themselves on the bank and like to have puppies as delicious afternoon snacks?

Did you know that I ran out of the house like a madwoman, every bit of rage spewing out of me as I screamed and cursed at the top of my lungs, completely uncaring that my "Let's have the prayer meeting at my house. Praise the Lord." neighbors were outside in their backyard?

Did you know that the Crapheads were standing in the muck that clings to the borders of our lake? Muck that smells almost as rancid as headless birds; muck that clings to dog's fur and screaming madwoman's clothes; muck that has to be scrubbed with a vengeance to get rid of the black gunk. 

Did you know that my Hubby is Italian and that the Italian gene for cooking and entertaining and filling up your house with friends and family is the most powerful gene in my Hubby's body?

I bet you can see where this is headed. 

Did you know that my Hubby is the greatest of hosts and if I would let him, he would have people over constantly, plying them with good wine and delicious food?

Did you know that every once and awhile in that man brain of his, he forgets to give me a heads up that he is such a lover of entertaining and just walks into my house with guests?  It truly is only once and awhile. Because, trust me, when I say, he is made VERY aware after unexpected guests leave that I do not appreciate unexpected guests. VERY aware.

Did you know that I walked into my house covered in black muck, dangling two muck-covered puppies from my arms, cursing and screaming like nobody's damn business?

Did you know that I heard a voice say rather weakly, "Hi Honey"?

Did you know that my stupid-ass Hubby decided it would be "neat" to have his shooting buddy over for a little wine and sunset-watching?

Did you know that the reason I didn't slit my Hubby's throat at that moment was because slitting a throat takes careful precision and I was in more of a bent to just stab him over and over again . . .  in a blind, screaming rage?

Did you know that I could only stand there in a mental state very, very close to a nervous breakdown, sputtering,"Their crate wasn't locked. We really don't throw our trash around the house. " 

It was the only thing I could think of in my irrational state, that this shooting buddy would look beyond the poop and the vomit and the chewed up shoes and shredded newspaper and think that this was how we disposed of our tampons, by shredding them and depositing them in all corners of the house . . .  You know, kind of like the Jewish people hang their Mezuzahs in every doorway of their house? We prefer used, shredded tampons as our symbol. 

Did you remember the time I told you the worst thing my dog had ever done to me was ingest an Add-A-Bead necklace on an elastic cord that had to be pulled excruciatingly slowly out of that freakin' dog's hiney?

Well, guess what, Internet? I wasn't even close, not by a long shot. 

Today's Definite Download: Guns N Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle." Man, don't you miss those guys? Don't you miss Axle Rose before he got fat and had a bad face lift and got in bar fights? 

And because, when you're on your knees scrubbing, there is nothing like that bad-ass intro with Slash's fiery guitar to get you in the mood for cleaning up piles of dog poo. And because, there are no more fitting words. I have a suspicion my puppies wrote this song with me in mind.

Welcome to the jungle
It gets worse here everyday
Ya learn ta live like an animal
In the jungle where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll take it eventually
You can have anything you want
But you better not take it from me

In the jungle
Welcome to the jungle
Watch it bring you to your
sha na na na na na na na
knees, knees
I wanna watch you bleed

Pray for me, Internet.
Photobucket




58 comments:

Kelly said...

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

Seriously, your opening sentence said everything I needed to know. Oh, I so don't miss dealing with puppies, no matter how ding-dang cute they are.

I think if I need a laugh in the days to come, I will come back and read this particular post again, it's that funny.

Noelle said...

Oh my ... I don't have the words.

I'm laughing...but I'm also sitting here in horror at the day you had!

Oh my ...

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I was glued to the screen.

Glued.

The way you laid it out - bit by bit!

Your pain and mess made my day - I am SO Sorry.

At what point did you just want to sneak out of the house and come back way later so that someone else could find it and clean it up?!

Now let's get back to the "Me" time.

So I tell my husband that I think I am going to go golfing (blogging) in the basement for 6 hours, like when he plays golf.

He says "NO"

If I am going to have "Me" time I have to leave the house he says.

Oh okay - cause that is full of the fairness.

After cleaning up that mess you need a whole day to yourself.

Paula (sans whore uterus) said...

OMG, I am sitting at work doing that silent laughing thing where your shoulders are shaking and you have tears leaking out the sides of your eyes and your cheeks hurt from trying not to laugh out loud. I'm going to read this again when I get home so I can guffaw and really enjoy myself. Yes, totally at your expense, and I am sorry for that, but it is just so ding dang funny!!

Paula (sans whore uterus) said...

OMG, I am sitting at work doing that silent laughing thing where your shoulders are shaking and you have tears leaking out the sides of your eyes and your cheeks hurt from trying not to laugh out loud. I'm going to read this again when I get home so I can guffaw and really enjoy myself. Yes, totally at your expense, and I am sorry for that, but it is just so ding dang funny!!

A.O. Goodwin said...

Damn! Did your husband help pick up? Love your blog! Thanks for being real.

lvankuiken said...

OH. MY. GOD!!!

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I really am sorry to be laughing at your pain. Really. But. Oh. My. God!!!!!!

Seriously, you have my sympathy.

And, also? Seriously? I am SO glad we decided on our more "mature" Lucy. You were absolutely right.

If we lived closer I would come over and help you clean it up. OK, no, I probably wouldn't. But I WOULD bring you some wine!!

lvankuiken said...

Oh, and another thing? There is a place up here that has a "doggy boot camp" in the summers - they advertise with all the kid camps. You should totally look into that and see if there is someplace like that down there. Apparently, you send the doggies away to them and THEY train the dog(s) and send them back to you all perfect.

Worth any price?

Mrs. Ohtobe said...

Sorry Joann - I think you were saying something here but...I was blinded by the wittle puppy picture. I kept reading and then thought of the puppies, lying there all cute n stuff...and well...did you say something cuz I was blinded I tell ya, blinded!

Melanie said...

Oh.My.Goodness.
I laughed so hard reading this, with a chest cold, that I started to cough uncontrollably which made me pee a little.
I remember being a teen and having a dog that loved eating used maxipads out of the trash. I was horrified. My 3 younger brothers would run around the house shouting "Grody to the Maxi-Pad!"

Sandra Annedore said...

...and you still can't stop loving them because they are so cute ;)

Meanbean said...

Oh my word....I'm reading this at work and laughing SO hard as quietly as I can. I'm sure it's funny looking back on it (you know, after about a year), but man, your reaction is about what mine would have been.

Hubby likes to schedule outings for us with little to no notice, I know that feeling. In our house, it would have been walking in, screaming with the dogs, to him standing there with keys in hand. He'd then eyeball me and say "sooo...are you ready to go?"

It's a wonder that man is still alive.

Erin said...

I can't stop laughing! I am so glad you stopped by my blog---I'm here to return the favor and am your newest follower!

I have a poodle and twins who are four. This diatribe reminds me of some stuff in my archives detailing the loveliness of potty training my twins. And their tendency to take off poopy diapers at random. ANd my poodle's interest in the diapers' contents. Ugh.

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Kelly said...

Also too? Are Double Trouble F1s or F1Bs? I'm STILL laughing over their antics, mainly because it's not me who has to deal with them. And their photo? They're so plotting their next caper.

Writing Without Periods! said...

Love the counting of puppy poop. Also, don't you think every man is a contradiction?
Great post.
Mary

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I shouldn't laugh, but I told my hubby that golden doodles were dumb and glad that instead we got a bernadane who is smart! LMAO! Crap all over the house...LOL!!

Joann Mannix said...

Kelly, they are F1B's. Apparently, that makes them dumber.

LisaPie said...

Holy Shit, batman. This is waaaaaay more than a Calgon, take me away moment. This is more like Ritz-Carlton take me away for 3 days with full spa services and wearing nothing but their fluffy robe and drinking wine from a straw in the bottle kind of thing. Order in some chocolate covered strawberries and that should pretty much do it.

I do feel your pain and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Lauren said...

Oh honey. Tears in my eyes so dang funny. It reminds me of the story I should write up about beating the German Shepherd with my Bible.

Bible.

Sandra said...

Oh, I so feel for you, I just kept shaking my head as the horrible tragedy just kept getting worse and worse. I am so sorry this all happened to you! I think you need to get a good spa day full of pampering out of it.

Daffy said...

I'm sorry I laughed....

Okay not really but only because I've been there. We had three dogs...down to two now and they are old...but oh boy was it a lively house when all three were in their prime.

Just think, tomorrow is a new day and you can start all over fresh....(that didn't really help, did it)

Tortuga said...

O
M
G

I am laughing so hard I am crying and gotta pee!!!

Thank you, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that but

R
O
F
L
M
A
O

ProudSister said...

You could have told me that I probably shouldn't read this one over breakfast. Ewwww, but so funny!

Amanda said...

This. Is. Hysterical.

You made me smile even though that sounds like the worst thing EVER.

Shelley said...

Oh my. You just can't make shit (no pun intended...ok, maybe) like that up. Did you know that I'm extremely sorry that I was eating something while reading about the poop and tampons and decapitated bird everywhere?

Once, my dog brought a dead bird in the house, and I screamed like a little girl and ran next door (hubby was out of town) to ask the 20 year-old neighbor boy if he could pretty please come get the dead pigeon off my kitchen floor? You are a much better woman than I am, my friend.

Here's hoping today is full of rainbows, unicorns, Xanax and wine. :)

Tracie said...

I'm not laughing at you - I'm laughing with you. This has validated my recent vow to never get a dog (despite my kiddos' pleading).

I hopped over here from The Girl Next Door's blog. Nice to "meet" you!

Alyssa said...

but they are such CUTE morons...

Stopping by because Girl Next Door suggested I do so. Don't let her sweet looks fool you...I do as she says!!!

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I am laughing!!!!

This was hysterical!!!!!!!!!!! These words were better than video!!!! (although, make no mistake, I would have paid top dollar for that).

You kill me Joann!!!!!!!! Who do I send the flowers to again?

Joanna @ The Casa said...

You are cracking me up. Also, I can SO picture you and your no t-shirt wearing high healed self running down to the lake screaming at your puppies. I can also picture you neighbors spitting out their sweet tea.

Hi.Lari.Ous.

Millie said...

OMG I am so glad I found you. Or rather, that Joanna told us about you! Let me tell you that Cavalier King Charles spaniel puppies aren't much better!

King J's Queen said...

My sides are splitting from laughing so hard.

Lula Lola said...

They turned up their noses at the celery! hahaha!
This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time! I hate you had to go through this, but so funny!

Allison said...

Just found your blog through a post on blogfrog. That was hilarious! I love your writing style and your puppies are uber cute, but I do not envy your day a bit. You are a better woman than me. I would have called a cleaning service and walked out!

Jen said...

I wet my pants reading this. Sorry, you probably don't want to hear that. I have pulled carpet from my dogs rear end, I have cleaned up the box of tampons and the used pads he found. I have returned to find uprooted house plants and blinds removed from ever window. If I lived in an environment that had alligators I would have made good use of it. Your husband is lucky he didn't get one of those bitches shoved up his ass.

The Redheaded Stepchild said...

This is great! I mean, not for you of course. But on this side of the computer....it's hilarious! :D I'm a recent transplant to Florida, and following you now. Thanks for the smiles.

The Furry Godmother said...

Okay. You win. I'll take the Great Khashi Disaster of 2010 over chewed tampons and poop any day.

Argh.

I hope your daughter enjoyed cleaning up after that because I would have been too drunk to do it. And her ass would have been toast...

Meaghan said...

There should be a disclaimer on this post:

DO NOT READ IF YOU JUST HAD WISDOM TEETH YANKED

Dying laughing and then dying of pain from laughing....love it!

Happy Saturday SITS Sharefest

Susan Tipton said...

My husband came down stairs from his office because I was laughing so loud that he couldn't work.

I Am So Sorry! But- I am equally so thankful that you shared the joy:)

Suburban Correspondent said...

Okay, honey - you win. You had the worst day of all of us.

Can't get that tampon picture out of my mind...

Luschka said...

Oh my goodness! Poor poor you! What a nightmare! Hope your husband helped with the cleanup!

Stopping by from SITS

w said...

ok. so i learned a whole lot. but all i'm able to focus on is the possibility that the bird's head will show up mixed in with the poop.

Tiffaney said...

Oh.My.God.

Your shitty day (pardon the pun) totally made mine. Cannot.Stop.Laughing.

I seriously love your blog and can't get enough!!

Stef said...

Thanks so much for the laugh. My day was peachy compared to yours! I would have made my college aged "not-so-smart" daughter clean up the mess.

J.B. said...

Omg. I'm on that precipice between laughter and horror - every woman's nightmare, except we couldn't have thought this up..

DB in MD said...

Oh, Dear God, Joann! My boss is stalking around the office because he can't get the copier to work and I'm sitting here shaking with silent laughter and just streaming tears from my eyes! Oh, I am so gonna get fired. Sorry you had such a God-awful bad day, but this is hysterical!

kimberly said...

After I pick myself up off the floor, I think I'm gonna go ahead and read this again. Then, I'm pretty sure I will add it to my favorites so I can refer back to it every time I have to encounter "poop dilemas" here at my house...cuz, well, so far....I'm not sure I've reached your level. Close maybe. But not quite, though I have several poop stories of my own to tell. And the whole tampon thing? Wow. My story involves a plumber and horrified embarrassment....ah, for another day. Good luck with the pooches:)

Sandra Annedore said...

Hi there Joann,
First off, I am sorry it took me a while to answer your question. I am trying to do my best to give advise but I am no expert. I can only speak from experience and what I have learned from my parents.

It's always easier to housebreak one puppy instead of two. They pay more attention to each other than they probably pay at you. They probably play, chase each other through the house and just do what puppies do best.

A lot of people discipline their puppy when they come home and find an accident. The puppy will not understand what it is disciplined for. So you are definitely on the right way. It will probably take a couple of more weeks or months until they are completely housebroken so continue on what you are doing. After all they are like babys and we don't expect them not to pee and poop into their pants.

When you take them out, praise them. Praise, praise and praise some more. You can also work with the clicker. You can literally teach them everything with the clicker and it is a great tool.

Hope you are having a great day.

Sandra

Andrea Christine Lagourgue said...

Just found your blog so my comment is fashionably late.
Hilarious. Period.

Andrea Christine Lagourgue said...

Just found your blog, so my comment is fashionably late.

Hilarious....Period.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Oh. My. LORD.

This, hands-down, trumps ANY doggie disaster story I've ever heard, period (hehe, no pun intended). Horrifying! It was just so funny, though.

However, in the ultimate act of irony, as soon as I finished reading this post, I turned around to see puppy diarrhea in no fewer than six places on my carpet ... the carpet that I STEAM-CLEANED JUST YESTERDAY.

I shouldn't have laughed. ;)

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

PS - I also cracked up when I saw that your pups are Labradoodles. We saw a Labradoodle at the park the other day and my four-year-old was, like, TOTALLY afraid of it. Later I asked him why and he said, "Because I thought it was a dog wearing a costume." LOL!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

OH, for the love of God. I lost it at "She told us recently she wouldn't be able to help us drive in Tennessee because her Florida license doesn't work there."

I'm sorry for everything.

Annah said...

"Did you know that when girls live under the same roof, their cycles synchronize, everyone going through the same course of nature at the same time?" NO! I did not know this. Should I feel like an idiot now?! Because this totally explains A LOT. And my dogs love tampons too! It's disgusting. But those dogs, are absolutely beautiful. AND HUGE! I didn't know labradoodles looked like that. You're in for a real treat. The way your household is laid out, I think you deserve your own sitcom. "Everybody Hates Joann?" lol.... Poor you honey, but at least it made for an AWESOME post. Good luck!

Baby Sister said...

Oh. My. Gosh. This had me laughing SOOO hard!! There are 5 girls in my family, so I can definitely understand the cycles synchronizing. I'm sorry you had to go through that...I probably would have puked...

Deborah said...

Hi Joann, found you on WOW. Congratulations on being a BON! I have laughed so much at your post. How I empathise! I have three daughters, all now past their teenage years but I recall those hormone charged years well. I also have two sons to even things up a bit round here. So, I can empathise with the female cycle thing and with the puppy poop as it happens. We have a five month old golden retriever as well as an eight year old collie cross and the puppy, though beautiful, has exhibited all those traits you so elequently describe. She emerged from the garden this morning, smelling of something so vile that I can only attribute it to something foxes have left behind. Either that or she has started up her very own compost heap somewhere. She writes on my blog from time to time too. Hope you'll stop by. :-)

Sparkling said...

Ok, I've been enjoying you for a few weeks and love the way you write. I've snickered, chuckled. But today you have me in an all out guffaw-fest. I think the line that really got me going was the untouched celery, mostly because in all of that trash you mention, who would have thrown away a piece of celery in those wastebasket???? Those puppies are so cute. I can't believe they are so vile. If you don't win the blog contest, I can't imagine who will.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

This is my all time favorite post!

Inga said...

I have never laughed so hard while reading something. Love it!

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