The Sad Tale of The Technological Nincompoop
Thursday, April 22, 2010


Thanks to one of my lovely commenters, I discovered my feed wasn't updating. 

Now, nothing puts me in a spinning tizzy of a meltdown with fat tears and angry spitfire more than technological problems. Well . . .  there's the upstairs of my house where the Dung Beetles live, but I just solve that by never going up there. 

But technology hurts my feelings, almost as much as laundry. 

I'm a smart cookie in many ways, but technology and Geometry and navigation (mostly map reading) are my Kryptonite. 

And so, I'm wondering if any of you have answers for me. 

First let me say, I am very proud of myself. 

I think (as I squint with fingers crossed), I solved my feed's problem. Which for me, is like Jessica Simpson mastering Quantum Physics . . .  or the Twilight books for that matter. I can see her now, "Gaw, that was one durn hard book with all them big words. Where can I get a vampire man? I can't find nobody to stick around.."

I discovered the feed's main problem which, after I finished crying over all the techie language I didn't understand, I went step by step and solved every issue. Yaaay Me!!

 (I am sorely tempted to suggest a new language on the Google drop-down bar that asks you what language you'd like to use. It'd be called: The-language-of-the-people-who-just-skim-the-surface-of-the-technological-world-and-have-no-idea-what-the-f***ck-you-techie-people-are-talking-about-and-I-know-you-look-down-on-my-kind-with-your-snide-geek-abilitites-but-that's-okay-because-well-because-I-know-just-about-every-shoe-make-and-purse-design-in-the-world-and-I-bet-you-don't-so-take-that-you-snide-geek-guy-in-your-ugly-tshirt-and-the-same-jeans-you've-been-wearing-for-3-days-straight-and-your-awful-sneakers-dude-sneakers-are-for-working-out-ONLY-now-go-take-a-bath!) 

Although, Google might think my language option takes up too much space on their drop-down bar. Whatever. 

Evidently, Feedburner doesn't like stuff that's copy and pasted and certain symbols in the HTML code. And if I have to speak of HTML code, I'm almost certain my brain will explode. 

My main problem with my feed was the picture in my latest post of my brothers as small children. 

It was considered to be a potential threat to my blog. 

I'm really thinking Feedburner could feel the vibe from my brothers and their terrorist activities against me when we were small, THROUGH THE PICTURE!

Man, Feedburner is good. I mean good, good. 

Perhaps it had something to do with the baby with a gun in his mouth. 

Then, there seems to be an issue with the fact that I am copying and pasting lyrics from threatening sources. That one fixed, no problem. I'll just have to type them in by hand. Good Night! Could my life get any more difficult? Next thing you know, I'll be having to cart fresh water from the well, balancing the water bucket on my head. 

Then there was the fact that my post sizes had exceeded the limit of my feed capacity. 

In layman's terms. I'm too wordy. 

Who would have thunk it?

For that, I was instructed to change my feedsite address. When I went to change my feedsite address, there was a warning that told me whatever I do, I should NEVER change my feedsite address. 

I can see that dude with the greasy hair and the gnarly, dirty jeans just snickering inside my computer or wherever it is those techie people live. 

After much contemplation and some more tears, I changed my feedsite address. No alarms went off and nothing exploded, so then I synched and pinged and did everything I was supposed to. I guess.

My Facebook Networked Blogs seems to be working. I'm at least in MY Google Reader. I don't know about anyone else's. But,  I don't think my subscription feed is working. 

So, here's the first part where I need your help. 

If anyone's out there, if you pick me up via your Reader or through subscription feed, can you just send me a thumbs up?

And more importantly, if you're not getting me, does anyone out there know how to fix this? You'll have to be able to explain it in blonde girl language. 

I wish there was a little fairy who would come out of the computer when I needed help and instruct me on how to fix things in the same voice as Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz. She had such a pleasing voice and that would be just the most helpful thing in the whole world. 

Inventors, get busy! I know many people who would buy a fairy. 

So, if that is all working, I will be one happy girl. 

Because, right now my house is not in its proper state. My dogs are at my feet, ripping up a sleeping bag they dragged out of the closet. And honestly, as the white foam floats through the air, I do not care. I do not. Not until my Feedburner is fixed. 

My Hubby just called me for the 20th time, because he is like Mr. Talky Talk when he is driving or bored or whatever. And I was all, "WHAT?WHAT?WHAT?"

And he was, "Uh, I wanted to know if you wanted to go to dinner."

And I'm close to hysterics, saying, "I am not going anywhere. I won't even be picking up the kids from school unless I fix my Feedburner!"

And of course, he's all, "What's a Feedburner?"

Because, he is a very technological person, but when it comes to blogs he knows about as much as he does about menstruation. Which is only enough to make his standard caveman comment when any female in this house starts to cry, "Oh, gotcha. PMS."

That's how much he knows about blogs. 

My life is hard, man. 

And I've got one more techie problem.

I noticed the other day when commenting on someone's blog who uses CommentLuv that CommentLuv was showing one of my older blog posts. (For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, ComLuv has a comment service for blogs. When you comment on a blog with CommentLuv, your latest blog post will show up under your comment.)

I didn't really think much about it and besides, I didn't want to mess with Andy again. 

Andy is the guy in charge over at ComLuv.  I registered over at his site a few months back to ensure my latest posts would always show up when I commented. 

At least I tried to sign up. 

I couldn't even seem to get the signup process down pat. 

I need that fairy so bad. 

I kept getting this message in angry red script at the top of the page after I registered, that said I could not make a profile because I was not a member and in order to become a member I had to signup and when I tried to signup again it said I couldn't signup because I WAS a member. 

Talk about mind f****cks. The revenge of the techie's. Those geeks in my computer must have been laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. 

So, I just did what I always do when I can't figure something out, which is most of the time, I clicked on the little thingie that asked me if I was having trouble. 

I'm very familiar with that thingie. 

I emailed the Trouble People, saying, "Yo! I can't become a member because it says I am a member, but I'm not a member and I really want to be a member. Can I be in your club? Mark the box, YES or NO."

And wouldn't you know it. A Trouble Person didn't email me back. Andy did, instead. 

Andy, remember? The head guy at ComLuv. 

Andy wrote me a very polite note back saying I could be in his club. Yaaay! Yaaay! 

But, he said there was no sign of me anywhere. He had no emails. No passwords. No member names. Nothin'. 

I wrote him back and said, "But, I did sign up. I did. I wrote in each little blank and I followed the directions carefully and now it says I'm not there, but I am. I really am! I'm a person, a living and breathing person. And as God is my Witness, I DO EXIST!!!"

He sent me a terse note back saying he signed me up and signed me in. And even though, he didn't say, "It was easier for me to just do the work for you even though I am very busy running my spectacularly successful website, but I didn't want to be bothered with you just tick, tick, ticking away at my big life with your ridiculously imbecilic ineptness, so I just signed you up . . . dumbass.", I knew that was EXACTLY what he was implying. 

So, today after I cried and fixed all my feed site problems, I went to a blog with CommentLuv and made a comment and guess what? Not. Working. At. All. 

I'm not even getting an old blog post. Just a blank. 

And I have edited and re-edited my profile over at ComLuv. And nothing. 

So, here's my next favor. 

Do any of you know Andy? Can you send him a text or an email or a tweet and can you say, "So, I have this friend who happens to be a one-armed carny, traveling the highways and byways of our country, (you know, just to throw him off), and she can't get her CommentLuv to work." 

But, please, for the love of all things Holy, do NOT mention my name. He will so ban me from his freakin' club, if he finds out I've got another nitwit problem. He won't check the NO box. He'll make a new box, saying, "No Dumbasses allowed!"

Help me! I need some sparkly shoes that I can click three times. 

"There's no place like technology. There's no place like technology."

Preferably in stilettos. 

Today's Definite Download: The Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated." *Sigh*. 

Here's the lyrics I had to type MYSELF. Valium, anyone? Oh, and since my feed hasn't been working, you might be interested in all the other posts you might have missed. I'll be back to vacation tales once all my terrible problems have been solved. 

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go. I wanna be sedated. 
Nothin to do and nowhere to go-o-oh. I wanna be sedated. 
Just get me to the airport and put me on a plane. 
Hurry, hurry, hurry before I go insane.
I can't control my fingers and I can't control my brain . . . 
I wanna be sedated


Christine Macdonald said...

Yeayyyyyyy! I get your feeds now!

I'm with you on the tech stuff. My brain hurts after trying to read it all.


Lisa said...

I'm getting your feeds now, at least on networked blogs. I am going to head over to commentluv and try to sign myself up and I'll let you know what happens.

I'm self taught with all this computer stuff, and my pet peeve is those sites that say you are a member but you aren't a member. I know exactly what you're talking about and IT SUCKS!! The thing is I don't think is us un-techie people messing up with that...I think it's the sites!!

I'll let you know what happens and if there actually is any love going on over there w/ Andy!

Rae said...

I think the feed is working. I got here- but have no idea how. Because, you, see, those geeks are laughing at me, too! I just learn by playing.
I'm not sure if this will work for you, but sometimes it does for me. Try cutting your lyrics and pasting them onto Word Pad. Then copy and paste to your blog. Might save some time. Maybe. I'm not a greasy haired techie! I'm just guessing!
Just follow the yellow brick road. Sooner or later you'll end up at a shoe store with a fabulous sale and everything will be okay. :)

Mrs. Ohtobe said...

I don't feed read - ha - but you are updating on my bloggy-reading-posty-navigation thing on my blog.

Dee said...

Dear lord. ROFL Take a valium! ;) Oh, and your feed is feeding.

Lisa said...

I tried comluv. They suck.

The same thing happened to me. First of all, what a disorganized mess that site is. Very difficult to understand what they expect you to do. I THINK I was all signed an email telling me I was and to click on the link to activate it, but when I did it would never load (I waited like 10 minutes). So I tried again. Same thing. In the meantime, I'm getting emails telling me congratulations for successfully sining up, etc. etc. The dang thing STILL will not load.

I am utterly confused by that site and am completely giving up. Andy, if you read this - you screwed up somewhere boy. Get it fixed. Arrgh.

MamaMags said...

If I can stop laughing at your post long enough to take a breath, I will tell you that your feed is updating. I get all my co-workers to stop working and read all about your latest adventures. We all agree, you are TOO FUNNY!

LisaPie said...

Maybe this explains why I was left out of the "Hurray Joann is back" Party?

When technology is mentioned I feel like ole Sgt. Schultz, "I know nuzzing!"

I am highly impressed with your skills and knowing feedburners and Andy and all that stuff. : )

Noelle said...

Your feeds haven't had any problems in my world!

Judie said...

O.K., I give up! What the hell is a feed?? Do I have one? And if so, just where is it? I am way too old to get technical!

Bossy Betty said...

SEEEEE? Evan Google sees the threats from your wild brothers!

Good luck with the technology stuff (shiver!)

The Furry Godmother said...

I'll trade you a fairy for some elves..

Gigi said...

Got your feed through my Google Reader just now...I was wondering why I hadn't seen any of your posting updates, although I've only been following you for a month or so.

Glad you're back up. You're one of my favorite bloggers! And I think I have a message from Andy in my inbox too. Something about a club. It's in my to-be-read file. Maybe Andy = Comment Luv...there are no others. He's like the Borg.

Rita Templeton said...

Oh boy, do I feel you on the techie stuff! I did my blog design myself and the HTML made me weep on more than one occasion (did I mention I know little to nothing about HTML?). If it helps, I've been getting notification of your posts like usual (through Google FriendConnect or whatever the heck that's called).

Judie said...

Joann, when and if I come back from Atlanta, I will sit down and try to get a grip on "feed." Right now all I want to do is get through dinner. Check my blog.. I left you a message.

duffylou said...

You're back! I logged in to Google Reader and there you were! Not one but three posts. I'm positively giddy! Now I have to hurry and catch up with the older posts. Ta ta!

Katherine said...

Good for you, figuring it out!!! I am actually one of those people who fixes all the problems people have with computers... and I love when they CAN'T figure things out b/c that keeps me in a job! When I get home, the last thing I want to do is fix anything... but yet I end up fixing blog problems, script problems... or one of my kids has a computer problem. Maybe you can come to my house and fix some stuff! ;)

Jen said...

It's time for a drink, honey. I'm going to go and check the feeds now. I'd talk to Andy for you but I'm afraid he might kick me out since I had the SAME EXACT PROBLEM not two months ago.


Kelly said...

Dude, you lost me at "technology." I can barely figure out the most basics of blogger. Which is why my blog is about as basic as all get out.

Alexandra said...

Oh my gosh: you are so smart.

pieters said...

google reader woop woop! nice ta have ya back girlfriend! lauren

Unknown said...

I can't handle the techie stuff. I am a techno-MORON. Seriously. It's so bad. I have to have help with the smallest things.

Oh, and I love that song. I wanna be sedated, too. I have to get on an airplane this morning (I hate flying), and the weather here in KC is TERRIBLE. storming. I need a valium. Will it be too early to order a drink on my 11 am flight? ARGH! (but at least I am escaping my kids for 36 hours----going to a college friend's bridal shower!)

Ashley said...

So that's where you've been all this time!

I thought maybe you were cajoled into attempting to ski again, but this time, it ended in some weird injury as opposed to you just crying. Although I'm sure a skiing-induced injury would warrant some crying as well...

Anyways, glad to have you back on my dashboard thing!

JennyMac said...

I heart The Ramones. Remember Rock and Roll High School? Bad movie but great music.

And Jessica Simpson on her best day is not 1/100th as intelligent as you are!

Judie said...

I just put a note on my 'fridge to "be more teknukel." And I haven't a clue about that "reply" thing being shut off. Guess you'll just have to keep coming back to my blog. HAHAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

I know I am late, but all of your feeds are there. What a NIGHTMARE of gargantuan proportions. I hate computer problems/technical problems of any kind.

And yet, I sent off my email to a designer to move to wordpress today. Happy Mother's Day to me, myself and I.

If I ever won the lottery I would have a tech person on call/ or on a retainer to just come over ASAP every time I didn't get something. Wouldn't that be lovely???

ALso, my mom is considering an iPad. Apart from paying for it, what other fees are involved? Do you like to book reader part of it??? Can you make the text bigger?

Buggys said...

Yeesh! I can barely pronounce the tech word that's how inept I am. Truly! I don't even know how I manage to publish my blog posts. When I have a problem and after I have tried and cursed and cried, I start my phone calls, daughter, brother in law, husband. Suddenly no one seems to know me.
I'm feeling your pain but I can't help.

Moooooog35 said...

I hate it when I hear that my post is too long. know..I will when someone says it.

I cry sometimes.

Cheeseboy said...

Interesting. I have a question... was your feed working, it was just taking FOREVER for it to feed? That's the problem I have. It takes 5-6 hours from the time I post for it to hit the readers. Just wondering.

Glad you got yours worked out.

Judie said...

O.k., I finally found that thing you told me to do, and I did it, but I don't see anything different. Except now I am different. I am more idiotic than I was before. Is it working now? I don't know!!

Mary said...

Tech stuff + me = tears. I feel your pain sista'.

Ally said...

I'm such a spaz with that stuff too and worse yet, my hubs is an IT guy but he doesn't know much about web-related things and I get all nasty when he can't fix something :(

Katie's Dailies said...

TOO funny, really... your writing! NOT your tech problems! I feel for you. You should see me trying to figure out what all that mumbo jumbo means: I'm squinting at the screen, reading the words out loud sloooowly, looking up words on Webster's On-Line.... I'm an English major and no NOTHING about tech stuff! It really is on the job training!

Visiting from SITS, by the way!

Mansi said...

Glad you got the feed working. I'm wondering, though, how laundry hurts your emotions ;-)
Oh, and, Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

Anonymous said...

Hi, following you from FFF, have a great mothers day!!!

Joey Lynn Resciniti said...

You're blessed that you have enough followers of your feed to let you know it had died! I think there's one poor sole in the world that subscribes to mine and then actually reads it.

I stopped by from the Motherload - I hope technology stops hurting your feelings, that's not very nice of it!

Suburban Correspondent said...

I don't have time to read all the other comments, so I may be repeating something here:

CommentLuv won't work if your feed isn't working.

If you want to share a song with us, for heaven's sake go to YouTube and embed the video - song lyrics never "sound" right when read. And we're lazy people, we bloggers.

Oh, and I did receive this post on my blog list in a timely fashion (2 days ago, right?). So maybe you miraculously fixed things!

Check your Blogger settings as far as feeds go. It might have something to do with that.

SurferWife said...

Well aren't you mucho funbobby? How did I not know of you before?

I am illiterate in HTML, too. I prefer to be cute. HTML Dumb and cute.

One Photo said...

Stopping by from The Mother Lode - I love this post and as a fellow technophobe I can totally relate. I never imagined the challenges I would face in starting a blog - if I had I doubt I would ever have begun, but now there is no going back and so I just have to keep trying to figure it all out - and if all else fails, just outsource!

T.J. said...

I'm stopping over from Erin's blog to offer you absolutely no help whatsoever. If you have received a fairy at this point, please send one my way because I just spent 2 hours creating a silly blog button and it probably should only take like, 2 minutes!!!!

Your blog is awesome and I felt a special warm fuzzy when I saw Patty Griffin and Dixie Chicks mentioned (although the post itself was hilarious!!!). TJ

Teachinfourth said...

I had a friend who wasn't getting my feed either before, turns out she subscribed to the one post and not the site.

It was kind of funny, but not really.

BTW, I stumbled across your blog via Abe's. Thought I should throw that out there so that you don't think that some random, creepy guy showed up on your blogstep one day...

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