Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I woke up Monday morning to boxes strewn about my house, as far as the eye can see. Our college girl, Olivia, is home for the summer and I have a feeling those boxes might just go back in the fall, still unpacked.
For the last year, whenever we went out to dinner, which was quite a bit, since I'm not so much into cooking, we would utter, "Party of 4."
And every time the words came out, I would feel this hollow spot in my heart. That empty ache would never quite leave no matter how many days came and went without her.
The words just didn't fit.
For now, we will be a party of 5 again and my heart, at least for the glorious days of summer spread out before us, will be whole.
And speaking of dinner, on Monday night I was MAKING DINNER.
That's right, making dinner.
Even though I don't like to cook, it doesn't mean I can't.
And cook I did!
I made Guy Fieri's Cuban Pork Chops with Mojo and let me tell you, it was out of this world! It was succulent and moist and popping with flavor. Do yourself a favor and make this pork. And don't forget the avocado and tomato garnish. Not only is that garnish packed with vitamins, when you drizzle the sauce over the top of the whole shabang, it is just incredibly yummy.
My annual recipe tip to you. You are welcome. Now I will have to rest up for the remainder of the week. Cooking takes a freak-load of work, Internet, and I am still recovering.
But as I was chopping and sizzling, a reader notified me, (Thanks LisaPie!) that my feed wasn't working, AGAIN.
And I was all, "Uh-oh. I HAVE pissed off The Man."
Because, earlier I'd been messing around with my blog and I noticed these numbers next to my blog's title on the layout page. I'd never noticed these numbers before.
It looked like this:
Laundry Hurts My Feelings-69
And this ominous feeling washed over me as I contemplated that 69.
Ohhhh F***k, I thought. Here we freakin' go.
Was the 69 a secret code? Had I been marked for doom by the all-powerful Blogger?
I mean, techie geeks DO run the company. And I'm sure it's a bunch of boy techie geeks. Because, for whatever imbecilic reason, it seems that men are still in charge of most things. And I'm all, "Seriously? Have you seen a beer commercial? Because that is an across-the-board representation of the gender in charge of the world." Hmmm.
Anyway, I'm sure the Blogger Dudes In Charge like to get their jollies in whatever 12-year-old-boy capacity they can find.
What a better way to say, all Godfather like, "You gonna f***ck with me? I'll f***ck with you!" than with a 69 code.
And I was voicing all my Blogger complaints in my last post, you know . . . orally.
So, there's that.
I think they're out to get me now.
Shaking my fist at The Man, might have caused some big repercussions.
What if I'm like Russell Crowe in "The Insider"?
It was the only movie where Russell didn't look like his hottie hot hottie Gladiator self. He gained a ton of weight and shaved back his hairline and applied liver spots and, gosh, was that ever a disappointment. I want to see the hotness AND the good acting. No need to ugly yourself up, Russell. I'll still respect you in the morning.
In the movie, "The Insider" he was the big tattle-tale of the cigarette industry. The cigarette folks followed him around all stalker-like, put a bullet in his mailbox and made his life a living hell eventually causing his family to leave him.
Yesterday, when I opened my mailbox, a wasp flew out. Coincidence?
I think, perhaps not.
Or I could do a Sally Field/Norma Rae number on Blogger.
Except, every night I get down on my knees and pray, "Please God do not EVER let fanny packs come back in fashion and if they do, please do not let me, in a fit of fashion mental instability, ever succumb to wearing one."
But there's an idea, a Blogger's union. Except the whole purpose of a union is to ensure fair working conditions and proper pay.
I work from my house where I can sit in my jammies all day and get up and stuff my face with chocolate any time I feel like it. I can walk away from the computer for a workout or snap on the TV for a little Housewives of New York or take a bubble bath in the middle of the day with my new candles and I can do all these things while mud masking my face. I'm not saying I do any of these things, because I don't. At least, not all at once.
But, as for proper working conditions, except for Google, I don't think you can get much better than my cushy bed.
Oh, and then there's the pay thing. It's hard to negotiate pay scale when you're talking zero dollars.
So, maybe a Blogger union wouldn't be the best of ideas. I just want my feed to work and my comments to get through to me.
What if I'm like Meryl Streep in Silkwood?
Karen Silkwood was the true story of some chick with a bad perm who exposed the attempted coverups of the plutonium plant where she worked. She also had Cher as her roommate. Not the real Cher, because that would have been QUITE the story. But, in the movie Cher was her roommate and she just happened to be a lesbian.
And wouldn't that be super-fun? To have a gay Cher as your roommate? You could borrow her clothes. Although, I'm not sure where I'd ever be able to wear this:
But, I'd sure, as there is a God in Heaven, try! I'd definitely be the talk of the school on conference night.
And the karaoke fun would be off the charts, with Cher as a roommate. I could sing Sonny's part because, I too, am a craptastic singer.
Anyway, this Karen was driving down the road to deliver incriminating nuclear evidence to a reporter when SMASH, her car crashed into a ditch for no reason and there she was, all dead and such. And wouldn't you know? All her incriminating evidence was gone from the car.
Does anyone know any of the vehicles that these Blogger big-wigs drive?
Besides the Prius?
Because, this morning, on the way to bringing the kids to school, I was forced to beep at another driver. I don't like to beep. A beep to me is like a, "F***ck you, Assbag Driver!"
And I'm a nice girl. I only scream that in the car and only when the windows are rolled up.
But I was sitting at a red light and this hag in front of me puts her car in reverse and starts to floor it backwards. For no reason at all.
And I'm all a-beeping, saying, "Heyyyy! I'm HERE! BEHIND YOU! Assbag."
And she's waving her hands in the mirror and cursing ME in her rear-view mirror because SHE is millimeters away from smashing into me.
I was shaken, I tell you. I peered suspciously at the hag wondering what a Blogger assassin would look like.
It would be just like Blogger to send a plump, middle-aged woman with wild, witchy, color-damaged hair and ridiculous orange lipstick in a lime green Subaru to teach me to shut my mouth.
Totally, not what I'd expect. Those Blogger techs are smart for a reason.
I'm shaking in my boots, Internet. But, even though I'm as terrified of Blogger's vengeance as I am of skiing, those computer geekheads will not silence me!!!
I will cry out for all of my fellow bloggers no matter how many fat-ass old ladies in Subarus come gunnin' for me.
My blogging friends' opinions have varied far and wide on my troubles. Those on Wordpress are beckoning to me me with their siren call, "Come on over to the other side. The water's warm and the feeds are fine and the spammers are instantly annihilated."
But, my Blogger friends are yanking on my Bob Mackie crow headdress, trying to drag me back, saying, "Google Friend Connect. Ease of use. Look at the big bloggers who are still using Blogger."
Yeah . . . right. You know they've got a concierge level for those bloggers. Those bloggers have the black Blogger credit card. Those bloggers really do have a personal computer geek IN their computer who is at their beck and call, 24/7. No flying in coach for them.
I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you this.
I'm pretty certain I won't be awarded Blogger of the Week anytime soon.
Also, my feed is working . . . at the moment. Although, I haven't posted this harsh-out yet.
I'm an easy girl to please, Blogger. Give me a good feed. A place to write my words. Free-flowing comments and I'm all yours. I don't need the fancy. I get my fancy on through my shoes.
I'll make nice if you don't send any more Subarus my way.
Deal?
Today's Definite Download: The mighty, Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go."
Here is what I have to say about The Clash and the King of Kings, Joe Strummer: If you do not like The Clash, I cannot be your friend. Because I will never be able to respect you and your Jonas Brothers tastes. I'm just putting it out there because as my sister says, I am an equal opportunity judgmental discriminator of musical tastes. And I'm okay with that.
Rock on forever in the skies of heaven, Joe. You are missed.
For you Blogger. What's it gonna be, BOYS?
Darling, you gotta let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here til the end of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
Always tease tease tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees
One day is fine, next is black
So if you want me off your back
Well, come on and let me know
Should I stay or should I go?
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32 comments:
I hate to piss in your cheerios.... but your feed? NOT freakin working! Had I not been at FB, I wouldn't know you'd posted.
Actually, Dee, I just checked and it is working. It just delivers my feed several hours after I've posted. Cause Feedburner rocks like that.
ok, I think. Sheesh. We need a new tool.
LOVE the pics! Laughed so hard the dogs looked at me like I was a nuts.
Wherever you decide to park your blog, I will definitely follow.
I can totally relate to the emptiness of missing a child. Each one of mine was like a band-aid being pulled off very slowly. (I wasn't one of those moms that couldn't wait for them to leave.)
lol, you are sooo funny! thanks for the laugh, not even chocolate before noon was cheering me up today
The kids left, but they kept coming back, so when we moved to Tucson, all we left was an 800 number. They still wonder where we are! (just kidding of course!)
Joann, I think I like you dressed as Cher the best. Just don't wear that get-up to the grocery store.
Thanks for making me have to change my shorts. :)
Yea! You were on my list of updates to look at! You showed those blankedy-blank dastardly dogs, yes, you did.
I too am so empty inside when my nest is empty. It's like my uterus knows they are gone! I am counting the days and holding my breath until I can get my Rachel Pie back home. Enjoy the mess your first-born has brought home with her whirling dervish self!
Does the school have charity events, like a silent auction or a golf tournament? Because I think I just found your outfit.
Also, I'm not sure if I should be more worried about Kurt Russell's complexion or yours.
In about six weeks or so, my first-born will be returning to the nest also, not home from college, but back to us to start her first year of college. Confusing, I know. But it's weird. You get used to just dealing with the two kids, and it's a whole different dynamic in the house. I will be happy to have her back though. You know, the teenager that actually likes me. :)
I also have to tell you that one time we were vacationing in California, and we pulled off the highway for some dinner. As we were sitting waiting to turn left back on the highway after dinner, on a dark, nearly-deserted street, a chick in an SUV (I am not making this up) about 100 feet in front of us suddenly threw her car into reverse and backed up at the speed of sound. My husband tried to turn out of the way, but she freaking HIT us and then took off. This was somewhere along the PCH between San Diego and L.A. It never occurred to me that she could have been a goon, and now I'm trying to remember back that far to what I may have done. I wasn't blogging back then...
My brilliant husband decided to follow her. We did get the license plate, then stopped and called the cops. Turns out the car was stolen, and we never did get anything out of that, except a couple grand from our own insurance company to fix the big-ass dent in the van, which we used to pay what we owed in federal income tax in that Year of Our Lord, 2005. So until I got a new car last year, I drove around in a van with a big-ass dent in it. The End.
Thank you for the tip on the pork, I will try it and post about it soon!!! Sounds delish.
Next. I think they truly are after you. The Evil Empire, that is. My friend once said, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean no one's talking about you."
OK, first I have to tell you that I read this as soon as you posted it this morning, and laughed and laughed. I was going to post a comment then, but the stupid phone rang and I got distracted! I thought I was going to be your first comment, but....sigh.
1. Last summer BOTH of my kids did an exchange program and were in France for two weeks. I felt so completely empty - as much as they drive me crazy, I can't stand it when they are away from me either!!
2. When my minivan was about 6 months old a stupid college kid rear ended me at a stop sign. We got it repaired, and I had it back for A WEEK, when again at a stop sign, someone threw their big ol' F150 pickup truck into reverse and hit the gas right into my poor little van. I was trying to hit the horn, but the stupid airbag is there and I was so frantic I kept missing "the spot". Ugh. I just read your comments and saw that this has happened to someone else also. Huh? Who just throws their vehicle into reverse without looking behind them first?
3. Thanks for the naming tips - I'll try that.
4. I'm testing wordpress right now - so far, I like it. I'll let you know.
Funny post! Loved it.
Well,we've already established we're good buddies over our mutual lust of Bono and the Boys (I SO want to marry Adam Clayton!!), and now I find out you like the Clash?? Wow! We HAVE to be friends now!
Sorry about all your Blogger troubles,but the way you describe them makes it a laugh out loud till my tummy
hurts read! Good luck, and I hope they get fixed soon!
love how i knew all of your movie references. we mid life girls rock like that. will not leave blogger anytime soon cuz, like, it's free. and i do not have the gobs of following you do - so, it still works for me. hope you can find some candy to slip those geek boys so your feed burns, baby, burns. lauren
How come I don't know when you post? Did you fall off? I think I have to resubscribe.
LOVE THE PICTURES OF YOU!
Effen' hilarious!
I was just thinking that I didn't see this come across in my feed.
Wasps in the Mailbox might be my next band name.
As a Disney Worlder, I would think you would know that the fanny pack has never actually gone out of style. 82% of Disney goers are wearing them.
I might have to blog about the fanny pack soon. Hope you don't mind.
wow! I'm dizzy after reading this post :D You could def pull off the Cher - and I'm about to cross over to the other side - yep, my second attempt at wordpress *fingers crossed*
My feed works so slowly and I do not know or understand why that is - it typically takes a day to update. I really do need to get myself educated enough that I can move elsewhere and say goodbye to Blogger!
Lovely that your daughter is home for the summer and hats off to you for cooking that fabulous meal.
Guess what? I signed up for wp last night. I really did and now you are the first one to find out. I drank the wp kool aid. Now I need my 10 yr. old to help me set it up because I have no idea what to do!
Just the mere fact that you have Cher and 69 residing in the same blog post is enough for me to to stab my eyeballs out.
I was ranting about the lack-of-awesomeness that has been Blogger lately and a friend pointed me at your blog. I love it! Very funny! I'm having the feed and comment problems, too, AND to make things extra special, each picture is taking a good 10 minutes to upload and when it does upload, Blogger has turned it sideways. Fun times.
I would watch your back for sure!
I'm glad the O'dawg is back for the summer. Party of 5 is much better than 4.
That just makes me want to go out to eat. And have a margarita. It is Cinco de Mayo you know.
Amazing. Utterly amazing. Thank you!
Oh my gosh! Those pictures are fantastic!
I know what you are talking about with those reservations, honey. I miss my oldest boy something terrible.
You are cracking me up over here at blogspot where I definitely do not have a special black cc. You are very brave, Joann. Keep speaking out. Make the blogger geeks your bitch(es?). Does that make any sense at all? I don't even know what that means. It sounded. I think they are following you around because you are up for blogger of note, that's what I think. 69 means they love you, baby. Except for messing with your comments. Maybe it is an unhealthy, controlling kind of love?
everyone keeps moving to WP and i am scared. b/c i am clueless about it. but blogger makes me so mad sometimes....
lol re: the 69!
I guess i am not a very sophistocated blogger since I am pretty happy with Blogger right now. What am I missing? And don't tell me "feed." I ate so much at lunch yesterday for my BFA's birthday that I may not feed again until dinner tonight.
There is a blogger union, and great posts like yours make it better.
Besides functionality issues, there is the question of how much companies make from our blogs, and what % they actually pay us for being allowed to be on our site and use our content.
Thanks for being a hilarious part of the mix,
Barney
Founder, P.U.B.
Publishers Union of Bloggers
Wow. Seriously, Barney? I had no idea? There does seem to be some big profits being made off the backs of our little writing blogger backs.
But, one worry at a time. I need to keep myself focused on functionality and Blogger assassins.
Oh and by the way, thanks for representing us! Keep up the good work and let Blogger know they're not going to jack me. Yo.
Thanks for stopping by!
You poor thing!
I am so happy that your girl is home!!! YAY!!!!
We have a month left and then we can let loose and I can't wait!!!
Also, I do like to cook, but I also love to eat out. Mmmmm.
The closer I get to moving to WordPress, the more scared I am. WordPress.or is all techy and stuff and I am not techy. However, with WordPress.org I get to keep my followers and have complete control over the design.
Katie made me a new logo. Do you want to see it? I got it yesterday. She is still tweaking it, but you will get the gist. Plus I will OWN it!!! Yippee!!!
K. I have something for you over here.. you probably already have a dozen or so, but don't be an ungrateful bitch and come collect your prize! :)
http://shaunadnauseam.wordpress.com/2010/05/06/tickled-pink-about-honesty-awards-and-stuff/
Haha, I love all the photos that you included.
And Assbag? I think I need to start using that word.
I had an episode with my freaking blackberry! I stuck in my car in the low country of SC while my husband did some work this week. I was reading your blog(thanks so much for breaking up my trip) and the thing wouldn't let me comment. Why? There's a box, I put words in it, but no. Just no.
Love the Norma Ray shot! Classic!
When is this novel going to be rolling out? I can't wait to get a copy!
I, for one, am really glad that you write again! You always make me laugh!
Those pics are too hysterical. Definitely NOT grossly unremarkable.
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