Don't Look A Gift iPhone In The Mouth Or In The Face Actually
Thursday, July 1, 2010

My Hubby gifted me with the new iPhone the other day. 

I've never owned an iPhone. And I know I should be more excited. I know, but there's this 
one thing . . . 

See, my Hubby is a superfreak when it comes to technology, especially Mac technology. 
I've said it before, I'm pretty sure he could fall in love with Steve Jobs, if given the chance. 
He's a very manly man and he would never entertain the idea of falling in love with another 
man . . . unless Steve Jobs came a courting. 

It started out with his first Mac, the laptop. It was love at first sight. He was especially infatuated 
with the iChat feature back in those days. 

For those of you unfamiliar with Mac computers, most of them have built-in cameras. 

With that camera, you can chat with any other Mac user, all face-to-face, up close and personal.

He thought it was super cool. 

I found it to be an invasion of my privacy. 

Cause here's the thing. There's a reason phones and laptops are so great for people like me. 
And when I say people like me, I mean people who stay in their jammies for a good part of 
the day. People who in waking, look like their hair has been electrified and then gelled in 
place with superglue. People whose morning look and going-out-of-the house look are as 
different as Jerry Springer and Oprah Winfrey. 

One look— just a big ole gory car crash on the side of the road. I can't believe I let anyone 
take a picture of me like this, but even more so, I can't believe I'm showing you this picture. 
That's me in my pink jammie pants and my favorite tshirt, the one that says, "Just wrap your 
legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands across my engines". And yes, my furry 
socks don't match, cause that's the way I roll. 

The other— quite a bit more polished due to the herculean efforts to make me look . . . well, 
normal. I am not sure why I am pointing at my shoe and looking like I'm doing some Irish jig. 
My Hubby makes it his goal in life to take the most awkward shots of me possible. In almost 
every photo he's taken of me, I'm either grimacing, slack-jawed, eating, yawning or looking 
like I'm doing some weird dance moves like this. When I complain he says, "The camera only 
takes what it sees." 

No, the camera only takes bad pictures when the photographer is an assbag. 

And don't look at my messy kitchen and my ever present rawhide bones under the butcher 
block and my always open cabinets. Remember, I live with dung beetles and it is takes entirely 
too much energy to actually close a cabinet door. Way too much. 

The first day my Hubby brought home his first beloved Mac laptop, he sat on the bed and 
swooned over its bells and whistles. He tried to show me all its fanciness, but it didn't take long 
for me to grow bored with all the technological Harry Potter wizardry of Mac. 

I'm more of a material girl than a technological girl. 

I wandered off to take a shower, leaving him to worship at the altar of Apple. 

When I got out of the shower I heard him talking to someone. I figured he was already on the 
phone with the Mac Geniuses, you know, to share in the love of all things geeknological. 

Yes, I just made up that word and I like it. 

What he hadn't gotten around to telling me yet, was that he had bought a desktop Mac for 
his office, too. 

Cause it ain't no fun to chat with yourself. 

And yes, my clothes were in the bedroom where he sat with his Mac, all chatty chat with 
the agents from his office. 

Have I mentioned that for whatever reason, the majority of the insurance agents that work 
for my Hubby are men. 


He was so excited about his new technology, he'd summoned the entire agency over to the 
computer to check out the fun little iChat. 

So, there I was, all drippy, wrapped up in a towel, a small towel by the way, because my 
children prefer taking a shower in my shower no matter how many times I forbid them. I 
forbid them because they use up my shampoo and conditioner, steal my razors, slather my 
fancy scrubs and creams all over their young selves, selves that do nor require fancy products 
to look dewy and fresh, leave their bobby pins, washcloths, bathing suits, and sometimes 
even their beverages in my shower, and last but not least, swipe all my good towels, taking them 
upstairs to their dung dump where they are never seen again. 

Which is why I was wrapped in the small towel. In fact, I think it was a bath mat. It's all I had 

So, there I was in my bath mat and he's all a-talking away to what I thought was a fellow Mac 
geek on the phone, you know the blind phone, the phone that cannot see you in your bath mat. 
And as I scoot my bath matted self across my bedroom, I pass my hubby and I immediately hear 
this chorus of men. Men. Hooting and Hollering and Whoo-Hooing. 

Yes, whoo-hooing. 

It was then I realized he was chatting it up via live see-everything-in-my-bedroom, with all of his 
men agents. And that iMac has quite a peripheral view, I figured out right quick. 

And that is when I began my love but mostly hate relationship with the iChat. 

Ok, here's another big hate part of it. 

We have this friend. He's a very hot friend. A very hot single lawyer friend. And for several 
years, he lived in Argentina. His hours, of course, were a bit off from ours and that is why I 
would hear the iChat ring in the middle of the day. 

As soon as I saw his name, I would look at my Don King hair and my braless jammied self 
and think, "Crap!" I would stand there as the iChat beckoned me, debating what I should do. I 
mean, I wanted to talk to him, but I also didn't want to watch him recoil in horror when my hair 
appeared full screen. I considered standing just outside the view of the camera, but I figured 
he'd find that kind of weird, iChatting with an empty room. 

I always ended up making whichever kid was around, answer it and stall him while I furiously 
threw on a bra, gelled my hair to look careless and unkempt but not like homeless unkempt 
and glossed up my lips. 

I would then breeze through the room and stop suddenly in front of the computer and say, 
"Brendan? Oh, hey! Wow, I was just walking through and there you were. I had no idea." 
As I pursed my glossed lips at the screen and ran a hand through my carefully unkempt hair.

So, then here comes the new iPhone and with it, a new fancy somethin' somethin' called 

And now we have ANOTHER way to just check on someone to see, literally see what they're 
up to any time of the day or night. 

Joy of joys. 

My hubby has called me about 296 more times a day than he usually does. And since his 
average phone calls to me are 180 a day, we've been talking A LOT.

He calls me when I'm in the shower, in the bathroom, working out, writing, sleeping, eating. 
You name it, he is calling me. 

And he's not calling me to chat. Oh, no, he is calling for some facetime and not just facetime 
to see me. He's calling because he wants to show everyone in the whole wide world how 
snazzy facetime is. 

I'm getting really tired of answering my phone in my standard crazy wardrobe and hair to a 
phone full of people, most of them, folks I don't even know as they sit there and ooh and ahhh 
and wave at me like I'm a freakin white tiger at the zoo. 

The other day I was working out to that she-devil Jillian Michaels. And if you've ever done a 
Jillian Michaels workout, you know you will be drenched in sweat within the first 2 minutes. 
The phone rang. I answered it in my panting, sweat filled glory and there, gaping at me was the 
entire Sears tool department. 

I am not kidding you.

My Hubby was buying some man gadget and decided to show off his new phone to the 
Sears boys. 

I was at the vet the other day with the pups. My pups think they're dolphins because they 
spend just about every waking minute in the pool.  So now, with the humid, tropical summer, 
they both have ear infections. 

My vet was busy cleaning out the nasty gunk from their ears, when the Hubby called with his 
facetime. The entire office oohed and ahhed as I held the phone up to the ear cleaning. It's 
weird how that works. They wouldn't ooh and ahhh over a dog's ear cleaning in real life 
or on the TV, for that matter but something about that facechat makes everything, even dog 
ear gunk, just seem magical. 

I'm getting really tired of it, but I've got a plan. 

Next time that annoying facechat rings, I'm holding this beautiful photo up to the phone 
when I answer. 

I can't wait to see him try and explain this one to the hardware store dudes. That, yes, technically 
this is his wife and no he is not married to a 9-year-old in a kick-ass bathing cap. 

That'll show him and his facetime. 

I will be a little absent the next few days. This week, I've had company and a child with 
food poisoning and my mountains of laundry and this writing thing and I've been stressed 
to say the least. I apologize for my lack of presence in blog world this week. 

It's been a very trying week. 

Tomorrow I'll be leaving on a jet plane and I might be a little MIA for a week. I'll try to fit in 
some blog time, but if not, know that I will be back the following week with lots of tales and 
know that I do appreciate each and every comment you send my way and I plan on replying 
to all of you, very soon. I'll be back shortly. Don't you forget about me. 

Today's Definite Download: Surfjan Steven's "Chicago".  It's a really lovely tune with this 
gorgeous backdrop of strings and electronica and Surfjan's folksie voice swirling it all together 
into this lush amazing song. 

I'm rushing around at lightning speed today and I can't spend any more time here, so no lyrics 
today, just the word, Chicago. 

Let's see what next week brings. 


Kelly said...

TheManTheMyth is the complete opposite. He has no interest in technological things like computers, iPhones, Kindles, etc. And he hates to talk on the phone.

But if it's something to do with dirtbikes, he Must Have It. Now.

Shell said...

I am so NOT a fan of the whole video chatting thing. You wanna see me? Well, c'mon over. Um, if you give me notice so I can hide all my crap and pretend that I keep my house clean.

LOL @ your bathing cap. Love it!

A. B. Keuser said...

You should answer facetime dressed as a white tiger! that would be amazing!

Katie's Dailies said...

Oh! Have fun, Joann!

I kinda, sorta, (secretly really,really) want this new fangeled iPhone, but like you don't care for the Facetime feature. I just don't like seeing myself talking to somebody else. Makes me feel like I'k stalking myself. We're due for our upgrades in Feb. , so maybe by then I'll be over the fear of facing myself.

How profound is that? ; )

Alexandra said...

Oh, my gaa!!

I could NOT live that way.

What do you do if there's a nose picker in the house (not that I would know one...)

Unknown said...

Another priceless post! Loved it. You are just so funny! My son keeps telling me I need a fancier cell phone so I can do all kinds of things with it. I told him all I want is a cell phone to make calls with. I have a laptop, I have a tv, I have a camera, and I have a gps; I don't need my telephone to do those things. He thinks I'm hopeless.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I LOVE Chicago! The group ... not the city! And Facetime sounds horrendous! Thank Goodness we don't have AT & T!

natalee said...

LOL!!!! I loved your post... I thought I was the only one who wandered sans bra and stuff till all hours..LOL!!!! Ps im dying for an i phone.. my husband wont leave verizon for att so im stuck!! AHHHHH UGH!!!!! I only icaht in full makeup and hair done..LOL

twelvedaysold said...

Chicago is mine and my husband's "our song". Good choice.

And I don't know how you handle the "facetime". I'm a big fan of no facetime.

Dee said...

damn. And I was gonna ask if you would do the video yahoo IM with me......

Gigi said...

dammit, i just wrote a brilliant comment and blogger ate it.

I am not aware of these clockwork orange-ian ways of Apple. I would not like Facetime. I like to flip people off, adjust my bra and de-wedgify my thong when on the phone, so that would NOT work for me.

Have a great time in chicago and eat an eye-talian beef for me :)

Cheryl said...

Your shirt? The Springsteen one? LOVE it. I would totally chat with you all day. Oh - and I have a Mac, but I only use Skype. Never ichat. Tell your hubs to get on it.

My iphone just took a small dip in the pool yesterday and? It drowned. It no longer does what it should. V. sad.

Also? Your kitchen is freaking AMAZING!

Crazy Brunette said...

So you're whoring around with the hubby's work friend huh??? WE are sooo made for eachother.

One time I sent Mr. CB a PICTURE msg... and Mr. CB's boss was standing beside him when he flipped it open.

Now his boss has seen my cooter. Thrilled to have had the fucking pleasure Mr. Bossman!

And your a goldfish huh??? Sounds fucking badass!!!!

McGriddle Pants said...

laundry hurts my feelings too.

infact, i have a load i need to move to the dryer... dammit.

Loved the post! :)

BNM said...

omg i would kill my husband but im the technology geek in this family and even if he hada fancy phone with bells and whistles he wouldnt know what to do with it which is prob a good thing since i too run around in my jams until well bed time when i take a shower and then return to a new pair of jams.. yeah thats how i roll

Amber at The Musings of ALMYBNENR said...

Joann, you are amazing, you look amazing...your normal self that is...;)and you had me laughing and laughing as usual. You are so fun. Your hubby is cute in an always-annoying-you-type-of-way. :)

The shower story...I just can't get over the shower story!

Maria Melee said...

You and your kitchen are gorgeous!

Tracie said...

No thanks! Nobody wants or needs to see me..I was going to say that much but I'm goin to say at all.

I got a web cam and was considering Skype and/or doing a vlog. I saw myself on the screen and it caused me to have a nervous breakdown and to eat a box of cookies. iChat/Face time/whatever visual is very, very bad for me.

Judie said...

If you could see my kitchen, you would freak! I have piles of papers and notes everywhere! And if I could look as good as you do in your "casual clothes" I would be a happy girl!!

I sneak the thermostat down to 74 at night and sleep in a mismatched hodgepodge of bizarre attire (but not as bizarre as some of the attire I have seen lately. More later on that!!).

Keil has a camera on his computer, but I look like a walrus on the screen, so I dodge it whenever I can.

Heather said...

Luv the first outfit. I think I own one just like it. Luv geeknological.
You don't look old enough to have teenage daughters.

Jen said...

I'm still stuck on your beautiful kitchen. And the rawhide bone? I thought it was a sock because that is what would be under the butcher block if I had one.

Have a great trip!

Baby Sister said...

Lol! I didn't even see the bones, no worries.

Great pictures though!!

Unfortunately, you've made me want an iPhone...

Cheeseboy said...

I too am in love with my Macbook. Somehow, I think your husband and I would get along swimmingly.

Although, I do not even own a cell phone, so you have two up on me there.

I didn't realize I could iChat, but from your description, it sounds pretty awesome.

Deidra said...

If people aren't prepared to see you at your "finest", they shouldn't video chat you at all. :)

You've won an award at my blog! It's on my latest post:

Jane said...

I have discovered that it is WAY easy to flip off the ringer on the iPhone. It's "accidental" of course.

Anonymous said...

So you're coming to Minnesota, then???!!!

Party on Saturday, lots of food.

My first computer was an apple laptop. My boss's brother worked for apple! It was cool... And heavy, and I had zero computer experience. I was 18!!!

Katie says her Mac has superpowers and never breaks down like my PC.

My mother dropped my iphone 3x the other day and with each bump down her deck, I kept telling her that I am looking forward to getting the new upgrade. Keep dropping it mom.

Have a fun weekend. I think everybody is out of touch during the summer. Family and fun come first.

I am sorry one of your girls is sick. Yuck. Nobody should be sick in the summer.

Take care,

Anonymous said...

So I am technically challenged, despite working for a computer company (in event management in my defense) I never picked up tons of tech things.
Since my daily ensembles stronly resemble yours, except with tackier, pants I decided from the get go to not use the webcam on my latop.
Until one day I was on a web conference call thing and I didn't know it was on. I was literally makeup-less, in gnome pj's, drinking diet coke and had just blown my nose and had snot go all over my face-all on camera. I could hear people giggling and FINALLY someone im'd me to tell me the problem. I didn't know how to turn off the webcam so I put duct tape over it.
That was two years ago, it's still duct-taped.

Lula Lola said...

I love that you're the trick pony for all the live view stuff! So funny!
I love that he includes you in his geeknology!

Ms. G said...

I feel for you, especially because I'm writing this in my pajamas.
Have a safe trip!

jayayceeblog said...

I have a MacBook, but there will be no iChatting going on in my house. Your Before picture looked a bajillion times better than mine would. And the thought of Facetime phone fun just makes me gag and cringe. No way, no how! Hope you have a great time wherever you're going and have some good stories to tell upon your return. Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!

Liz said...

Your kitchen is GORGEOUS and I love your shoes! That swim cap is downright terrifying.

I think your husbands needs some sort of 12 step program for this geeknological business. A girl's gotta feel safe to be braless in her own home!

The towel story is freakin' awesome, though, Joann! LOVE it!

Krissy said...

That was THE funniest post I may have ever read in my entire life. I love Apple products as well, but not as much as your husband loves iChat!

Deborah said...

OMG! This is hilarious. I wish I could come up with a different comment. Every time I say, "This is hilarious!"

If people saw me during the day when I'm working on my computer they'd run for miles.

Hair sticking out from twisting it. Mascara under my eyes because it just does that - who knows why? And, of course, the ugliest clothes on I own because why wouldn't I wear ugly?

You kill me!

One Photo said...

I have a cheap pay as you go do nothing phone and that is quite sufficient for a non-technical, anti-social soul such as me :-)

As for your kitchen, that could not possibly be described as messy, just simply gorgeous!

Anonymous said...

You look gorgeous in all your photos, so don't bother.

I prayed as I read that you didn't come out of the shower like you did, but ooooh, the husband knows now, that he is a really lucky man! ;)

HOW did you look so amazing as a kid?? TOO MUCH!

Have a happy next week, Joann! and fly safe.

Anonymous said...

I'm so not a fan of the chatting thing either. Makes me feel awkward. I love your kitchen girl! I'd be doing a jig too if it were mine LOL.
Have a great weekend!

Pat said...

Thank BOB you even had a scrap of a towel or bath mat or whatever the heck it was or heads would have ROLLED! That was TOO FUNNY! At least you're a skinny little biatch and the men had quite a show. If it happened to me they'd of all fallen on the floor and vomited! tee-hee!

Tree said...

LMAO You are so silly! I think you look great in both pics! LOL I don't think I could do the I-Chat thing either....I look a hot mess most of the time now that I'm laid off. tee hee

And I see you have people that don't like to close cabinet doors either....that drives me NUTS!!

Tree (aka Mother of Pearl)
Mother of Pearl It Is

Cupcake Murphy said...

That Sufjan Stevens makes me feel all meloncholy and happy-sad-awake all at the same time. Thanks for this epic tale you wrote. It made me chortle.

Anonymous said...

I hope there is not facetime on the I-touch. I'll just not mention it to my hubby.

Have a safe trip!!!

alicia said...

Here's the thing girl... you are one hot mama. So what if you wear jammies and have bed head half the day... you put a little effort and can be what some people only dream of.

Oh, and I LOOOOOOVVVVE my iphone. Trust me, in a few months you will be an addict too.

purplume said...

That is such a great idea to hold a photo up to the phone. Lucky we don't have that kind of phone. I would be freaking out.

Have an excellent week.

Judie said...

Hope you see some terrific fireworks today, Joann. If you plan to swim in Lake Michigan, be sure to wear that lovely bathing cap. I am sure you still have it somewhere. It is a collector's item!

injaynesworld said...

Today I read that Iphone service costs approximately $1,200/year.

Twelve... hundred... dollars.

A year.

For an Iphone.

Not to bum you out or anything.

Anonymous said...

I laughed all the way thru this!!! (Except for your kiddo with food poisoning of course...that's brutal!)

I don't think I'd like the chat deal...because like yourself...I roll braless and just a hot mess in general and would D-I-E if I had to let anyone see me at a moment's notice!

Smooches gorgeous!

The Drama Mama said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving love.

I'm not excited about face time either since I too spend most of the day in my casual sight unseen clothes too. Haha.

kisatrtle said...

I can see why you don't enjoy the video chat and I like the picture!

MrsJenB said...

Visiting from Lish's blog, where you had me at your title. You had me at your title.

I thought I was the only one who walks around braless. So glad to know I'm not! Oh, and I'm also super glad that my husband is satisfied with the last version of iPhone w/o the facetime, because I'd have to kill him. Luckily he's not quite enough of a geek for it yet, and would rather spend the money on vacation. I'm okay with that!

Unknown said...

haha I know so many guys who are the same way! The guy I'm seeing is in love with Steve Job and his Iphone, and meanwhile my ex is in love with Google and his Android. They both talk about them CONSTANTLY, referring to their phones in the third person. "Oh excuse me my Android phone made by google is ringing" or showing me weird apps ("LOOK!! I can make my Android act like a STROBE LIGHT!! look now we're PARTYING with my ANDROID STROBE LIGHT" while his phone flashes ugly colors in an obnoxious way) or even more annoyingly, the way it announces itself when it gets a text message. DROIDDDDDDD. Creepy. Then there's "oh you have a question? here let me just look it up on my IPHONE, I have an IPHONE did you notice? Be careful with it, it's an IPHONE." Silly boys!

lisa & lisa said...

We at Lisa & Lisa Write a Book have an award for you over on our blog, if you’d like to stop by to collect it. :)

Holly Diane said...

I am so glad that I came across your blog! I've gotta get one of those phones!
~happy geek girl~

granny1947 said...

Your post is hilarious.
I am delighted to have discovered you.

Ash said...

There's not a jury in the world who would blame you for shoving that thing where the sun don't shine.

Just make sure to kill the batteries first.

Enjoy your time off!

(P.S. your kitchen rocks!)

Dawn in D.C. said...

My husband is a Mac man, too, but not very geeknological.

When he was overseas, we used Skype. With the time difference, I was just waking up as he was going into happy hour. And yes, many was the time he would call me while having a cocktail party. Thanks, dude.

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