I'm Back And I'm Not Sure If The Bed Bugs Came With Me
Thursday, September 9, 2010


Clarification to this post: It seems, after reading this post, some of you thought I had bed bugs. 

I do not. That I know of. 

But I am afraid of everything on the planet and whenever there is a calamity of any proportion, I am certain I will be its victim. So, I am very, very paranoid after staying for 2 weeks in 4 different hotels, some of them outside of the United States. I figure my chances of getting the pesky critters are quadrupled. So, keep that in mind when reading. I am just being my paranoid self. I repeat, I do not have bed bugs. Okay, on with the show. 

Hola! I made it back! And none of you had to shell out the big bucks for ransom requests from the Mexican police or the taxi drivers. So that's pretty much a relief. 

I have some tales to tell you, Internet— some fabulous and some . . . well, let's just say my vacation was quite the adventure. 

But for now, I can't stay. Sorry. 

See, I've got daughters who have been without me for far too many days. And they've kept all their stories bottled up, just waiting for my return. And we have schoolwork and schedules and new activities and a homecoming dress to shop for and all those missed hugs and kisses to make up.

And then, there's the Moron Twins. I came home to 2 pups who have spent their days swimming, basking in the Florida sun and, of course, snacking on tampons and now it seems they both are battling raging ear infections. So, it looks like a trip to the vet is in order. 

I've also left the suitcases in the garage, because I don't know if you've heard, but San Francisco along with the rest of the country has been invaded by bed bugs and it would be just my luck to have carried some of those critters home with me, you know, to add to the menagerie. I'd have to change my whole conversation list, "We have 3 dogs— 2 of them mentally challenged— we have a satanic cat, 2 ducks or Crapping Machines as we like to call them, oh and yes, thousands upon thousands of bed bugs. It's hard to tell them apart sometimes. We classify them by size. Boogie's my personal favorite. He lives in my hair."

So, just to be ultra safe, the suitcases will stay in the garage until I have emptied them of their contents, taking the clothes directly to the washer, where any potential extra travelers will be killed during the Sterilize cycle and then the suitcases will be scuttled away in the hot attic, so any bedbugs still trying to join our household will fry their little brains up there in the heat. 

I don't need any more pets. 

I want you to know, even though you didn't hear from me while I was away, I loved every one of your comments. Don't think for a second I was snubbing you with my silence. I was too busy trying to not get diarrhea and/or kidnapped. 

I'll try to make it back here in the next few days, but it might take me a few days to get this household in working order, again. But do not worry, my friends, I will be back very shortly with new tales to tell. I've just got a few potential bed bugs to assassinate first. Sorry, Boogie. 

Today's Definite Download: "Shape Of My Heart" by the kick-ass Noah and the Whale. Because this fabulous song, on my iPod yesterday, played over and over helped me drown out the nasal, whiny voice of the woman behind me on the airplane who chose to shout to the whole airplane her personal problems with Goober or Junior or something like that. I don't know. Noah's song helped me keep my sanity . . . at least for the time being. 

I'll see you soon. If not by the weekend, I promise you, Monday. 

Don't you forget about me. 






54 comments:

Baby Sister said...

Welcome back!!!!!! I'm glad you survived. :) I'm excited for stories!! I've missed your posts.
Good luck with the bedbugs...they're nasty little things!!

Rae said...

Glad you're back! Missed you!
I was kinda worried that me and the rest of your blogger friends might have to cross the border to get you!
Enjoy your daughters and get rid of the bugs and come back and share ASAP!

twelvedaysold said...

Yay, she's back!

randine said...

Thanks for posting that.
I am SO glad to hear that you are back. Every time I would check for updates on Google reader I would think of you- hoping that you weren't being held captive somewhere. I was starting to worry.
We missed you, can't wait to hear of your adventures in Mexico!

Eva Gallant said...

So glad we didn't have to bust you out of a Mexican hoose-gow! Welcome back. Can't wait to hear the travel tales!

Gigi said...

I've really missed you Joann. You should not take so many vacations. It's not fair to us.

Hope you had a fantabulous time and can't wait to hear all about it.

lvankuiken said...

Welcome back!

Erica said...

Welcome back, Mama. Hopefully, you don't have any bedbugs illegally crossing the border into your home. NYC has been ravaged by the bugs, as well. Just another reason to get nervous about strangers standing thisclose to me on the subway.

Cheers!
existenceET.blogspot.com

LisaPie said...

Yea! You're back! Looking forward to the reports on how you too have fallen in love with Mexico.

Get busy kissing all those chill-rens, two and four-legged alike. : )

Paul and Kerry said...

bed bugs? eww. so glad you didnt get kidnapped and/or the trotts. I know I'm new but I did in fact miss you. In a non-weirdo way.

Pat said...

Glad you made it back in one piece, with or without the bed bugs. Look forward to your next post!

Crazy Brunette said...

Forget about you??? Bite you tongue bitch. Foreign countries freak me out. Enough said. Can't wait to hear all about it Minxy!!!!

Love you!

The Furry Godmother said...

So happy that you did not get kidnapped or Montezuma's revenge. Sorry about the new pets. Do you have to use something special in the laundry to kill the eggs?

I know how you like to worry. You are welcome.

Mrsblogalot said...

Welcome back!! So glad we didn't need to send out a search party (-: xoxoox!

abkeuser said...

Thank goodness you made it back with out being kidnapped! I'd hate to have to find a new parnter. enjoy keeping your pets to a , ahem, minimum.

Sandra said...

I am so happy you are back! Looking forward to the tale of your adventures!

liz said...

I totally laughed out loud at you calling your horses, "The Moron Twins."

Our Idiot Singleton has taken a liking to eating his own feces. I'd take your Moron Twins and their swimming any day.

From Tracie said...

Are you sure you don't have bedbugs? Boogie called me last night and told me how much he is enjoying your hair.
;-)

Glad the trip went well and no ransom was required.

Cheryl said...

Yay! Glad you're back and can't wait to hear about all your adventures!

Amethyst Anne said...

Happy homecoming! Hopefully you will not inherit anymore critters!

Katie said...

Hope you had a nice restful time, emphasis on "RESTFUL"! Your life has been going 2,000 MPH lately and you needed time to catch your breath.

Looking forward to hearing about your escapades. : )

Judie said...

OMG! I can hardly believe it. I am thanking all the saints plus sweet Jesus that you have not deserted your followers!

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Hurray you are back! That was one long ass vacation. Can't wait to hear all about it. Hope the morons don't bankrupt you at the vet tomorrow.

Aging Mommy said...

Welcome back, looking forward to hearing about your trip.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Yay you're back! Missed you. I was just going to comment and say I'll come back and read this later and comment again 'cause I KNOW it is going to be three miles long and I've got to get littleb to be. Imagine my surprise! So glad you are back.

Grace said...

Glad you made it home safely and didn't encounter any Montezuma's Revenge.

Your home (and pet situation) sounds an awful lot like mine. At one point, the kids and I had four dachshunds, a Bengal cat, and a Chinese Water Dragon. Now we're down to 3 dachshunds and a 3-legged Australian Shepherd.

And the bedbug thing? New York City recently had an outbreak in movie theaters. Apparently, they're everywhere.

abkeuser said...

I'm not a crazy spammer! but this picture killed me when I saw it. It's so pertinant to your post!


http://roflrazzi.com/2010/09/09/celebrity-pictures-beatles-in-my-bed/

Those are some bed bugs I'd like to have had ...

Shell said...

Could never forget about you! :)

♥Cari♥ said...

Welcome back :)

W.C.Camp said...

Welcome Home ... I think? I'm not sure I want to return to all of those interesting animals ... Hope you had a great time. W.C.C.

Dawn in Austin said...

Having been the victim of a bedbug attack (in Maryland) you would know by now if you have been bitten. They itch like a mo-fo. If you didn't get bitten in the hotel, chances are they are not in your luggage. But your safety measures are spot on. You've done your homework.

Welcome home! And don't you have a birthday soon?

Judie said...

Hey! Don't you have a birthday on Sunday? Hope you celebrate it well, and tell us all about it!
xoxo

Nicki said...

OMG. I went to NYC a couple weeks ago and my roomie kept worrying about the bed bug epidemic. I kept true to my convictions of "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger" and didn't worry about it. Since then, I have been bombarded by bed bug stories. Now I am beating myself up. Oh well. I think I am in the clear! I hope! Welcome back and glad you were not kidnapped! Hope the diarrhea was kept at bay as well!

Bossy Betty said...

We'd never forget about you! Life sounds busy! We'll be here, scratching and itching for you to return!

deb said...

I've started a return email to you countless times, ack, I thought the back to school routine would kick in a little quicker.
Anyway, thank you so so much for taking the time to read and get my stuff. I have much to catch up on here too... to get to know you .
the blogging community floors me still .
who knew?

welcome home .

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

YAY! You are home safe and sound. Have a great time this weekend with your girls minus the bed bugs.

You know, I didn't even know they were real until Letterman talked about them one night. EUWW!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

i knew you were back! I read this yesterday and it made me run to my room and search for bedbugs. I freak out like that.
Your comment today made me cry. you are too nice...you big stinker.

jayayceeblog said...

Oh yeah, sterilize those little bastards. I don't even think bed bugs like bed bugs! Shopping for a homecoming dress sounds like my idea of a good time. Glad you're back safe and sound!!!

Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) said...

I know, what is it with the media? This is their story to sensationalize for the week. What will it be next week? I'm on pins and needles;) Glad you weren't kidnapped.

Lula Lola said...

Glad you made it home and didn't have to be deloused! Can't wait to hear your vacation tales!

Stuff could always be worse said...

Glad you do not have bed bugs....Found you, liked your title of your blog...
kim

Cheeseboy said...

I love Noah and the Whale! I'm amazed that you have heard of them - just because they are not popular. Have you heard of Mumford and Sons? They are a lot like Noah and the Whale and almost as good.

I wouldn't worry about bed bugs from SF. I'm pretty sure the clam chowder keeps them at bay. At bay, at the bay.

I have no idea what I am saying. I just waxed my arm and it will make you talk nonsense.

tattytiara said...

My dogs enjoy tampons and ear infections too, maybe we should get together and throw them all the world's most disgusting theme party!

Cupcake Murphy said...

Welcome home! Did the short ladies on the beach try to get you to buy their Chiclay?

Katherine said...

Funny... I haven't been in a hotel in years. Plan to be in one in November and I actually thought of bed bugs! EWWW!

Jen said...

Welcome back! I so hope you don't have bed bugs. I don't have them either but I think about getting them all the time. So far I have survived two children through middle school and beyond and we haven't had lice so I don't know how well my luck will hold out.

Can't wait to read about your trip!

granny1947 said...

Great to have you back...even if you DO have bugs!!!!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Looking forward to hearing the stories and OHH Yeah....Homecoming. I can't believe it is coming up on that time already. Where's my credit card?

vange said...

Wrap everything in giant plastic bags and put it all in your trunk for a week. No more bed bugs, real or imagined.

Nicki said...

Joann, thank you so much for posting your comment on my blog! It sounds like you have provided your daughters with the very BEST foundation possible! We are priviledged and blessed to live in this free country and to have God in our hearts. "Never Forget." We say those words at least once/year but some of us have forgotten the hurt we all felt that day and what is still important today. All we can do is try our very best to be our very best and hope and pray that will be paid forward! Take care and thanks for stopping by!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Welcome back! So relieved to know that you don't have bedbugs ... and hopefully no other little critters!

Sandra said...

Glad you didn't get kidnapped. It would have been our loss!
As for leaving your suitcases in the garage in the event you did bring back bed bugs, that's a very smart idea!
I am terrified of the little critters. I went to Orlando in August. I checked all the bedding while we were there. But still, now home for three weeks, everytime I'm itchy in bed, I jump out of the covers, flick the light on, and start peeling back the sheets in search of bugs! Just bring back the fricken DEET!

The Lady's Lounge said...

I lived next to a hotel for a little while, not long ago. Bed Bugs Are Real.
I suggest you light your luggage on fire before you bring it into the house.
http://theladyslounge.com/scratch-scratch-scritch-scritch

Nance said...

Oh, great. Headed to one of those suites hotels in San Diego for two weeks and now my skin is starting to feel crawly. Do insect bombs work against those things? We could buy some before we check in, bomb the place...um, check in and..inhale bug bomb fumes...oh, never mind.

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