Clarification to this post: It seems, after reading this post, some of you thought I had bed bugs.
I do not. That I know of.
But I am afraid of everything on the planet and whenever there is a calamity of any proportion, I am certain I will be its victim. So, I am very, very paranoid after staying for 2 weeks in 4 different hotels, some of them outside of the United States. I figure my chances of getting the pesky critters are quadrupled. So, keep that in mind when reading. I am just being my paranoid self. I repeat, I do not have bed bugs. Okay, on with the show.
Hola! I made it back! And none of you had to shell out the big bucks for ransom requests from the Mexican police or the taxi drivers. So that's pretty much a relief.
I have some tales to tell you, Internet— some fabulous and some . . . well, let's just say my vacation was quite the adventure.
But for now, I can't stay. Sorry.
See, I've got daughters who have been without me for far too many days. And they've kept all their stories bottled up, just waiting for my return. And we have schoolwork and schedules and new activities and a homecoming dress to shop for and all those missed hugs and kisses to make up.
And then, there's the Moron Twins. I came home to 2 pups who have spent their days swimming, basking in the Florida sun and, of course, snacking on tampons and now it seems they both are battling raging ear infections. So, it looks like a trip to the vet is in order.
I've also left the suitcases in the garage, because I don't know if you've heard, but San Francisco along with the rest of the country has been invaded by bed bugs and it would be just my luck to have carried some of those critters home with me, you know, to add to the menagerie. I'd have to change my whole conversation list, "We have 3 dogs— 2 of them mentally challenged— we have a satanic cat, 2 ducks or Crapping Machines as we like to call them, oh and yes, thousands upon thousands of bed bugs. It's hard to tell them apart sometimes. We classify them by size. Boogie's my personal favorite. He lives in my hair."
So, just to be ultra safe, the suitcases will stay in the garage until I have emptied them of their contents, taking the clothes directly to the washer, where any potential extra travelers will be killed during the Sterilize cycle and then the suitcases will be scuttled away in the hot attic, so any bedbugs still trying to join our household will fry their little brains up there in the heat.
I don't need any more pets.
I want you to know, even though you didn't hear from me while I was away, I loved every one of your comments. Don't think for a second I was snubbing you with my silence. I was too busy trying to not get diarrhea and/or kidnapped.
I'll try to make it back here in the next few days, but it might take me a few days to get this household in working order, again. But do not worry, my friends, I will be back very shortly with new tales to tell. I've just got a few potential bed bugs to assassinate first. Sorry, Boogie.
Today's Definite Download: "Shape Of My Heart" by the kick-ass Noah and the Whale. Because this fabulous song, on my iPod yesterday, played over and over helped me drown out the nasal, whiny voice of the woman behind me on the airplane who chose to shout to the whole airplane her personal problems with Goober or Junior or something like that. I don't know. Noah's song helped me keep my sanity . . . at least for the time being.
I'll see you soon. If not by the weekend, I promise you, Monday.