Pirate Eyes And A Hypochondriac's Roar
Tuesday, October 5, 2010

First of all, let me thank all of you for your prayers, good wishes, and love. I am beyond humbled by your kindnesses. 
And no, nothing has changed. I still have the crazy eye. When I am using both my eyes, I see double images and everything is blurry and out of focus. I also have trouble with depth perception, as in, I fell down the stairs yesterday because I couldn't gauge the distance of the stair between my foot. But no worries, it was only two stairs and nothing was too banged up. And so for most of my day, I walk around wearing an eye patch and talking in pirate speak. 

I'm thinking of getting a stuffed parrot to sit on my shoulder. 

Oh, and for the record, so you don't have to waste your finger energy typing me a good scolding, it's okay for me to be on the computer for short bursts of time. I'm just not supposed to overdo it. And of course, we all know that NEVER happens in blog world. 

I see an opthamologist tomorrow who specializes in eye muscle disorders, so I'm hoping she might take one look at me and say, "Why, of course, this is the rare Marty Feldman Wonky Eye Syndrome and yes, I can fix this."

I just want to see straight again. 

I went through a little pity party for myself yesterday with puddles of frustrated tears and just this feeling of utter sadness, as if nothing will ever be the same again. 

And it just might happen that way. Who knows. 

What I do know is I have no right to sorrow, not for this. 

At the same time I was shuttling through doctors' office's and hospital waiting rooms, my good friend was finding out she had breast cancer and that it's bad, very bad. It's metastasized. She's too young. Her children are too young. She is in my thoughts constantly and I cannot even begin to imagine what it feels like to have that sort of horrific upending in your life. 

All of my tests so far, show me to be in great health. Most of the worse case scenarios have been ruled out. 

And I can see. I can see. 

That fact alone should be a reason that every second of the day should be a cause for celebration. 

I have no right to go down that dark path when I have so much to be grateful for. And today, I watched a video that changed my perspective on this minuscule hindrance in my life and at the end of this post I'll share it with you. 

But for now, I'd like to jot down all the good I've found in this past week. I'm adding the bad news, marked by a little dark cloud, just to contrast how the good always outweighs the bad. 

And on a little housekeeping note, I am sorry that I haven't replied to any of you in my last few blog posts. I have been told to rest my eye and so, for the most part, I have stayed away from the computer. 

I'm sad to say, I won't be able to reply to any comments for awhile. I'm not supposed to push my eye, whatever the hell that means, until we can figure this whole thing out. I will try to pop in and say hello as much as I can, but know that as soon as I am able, I will be back full force. Thanks for your understanding. 

Now onto the good news.

☀ Just about every part of me has been screened and tested for all sorts of medical maladies and I've passed with flying colors. This brings peace to my little hypochondriac heart. 

☁ We're still waiting on some blood tests because there are a few biggies out there that my neurologist is still trying to rule out.  (MS is my number one Google these days and I am hypochondriacally certain that I am living undiagnosed with this disease. Even though my MRI shows no lesions and I passed all my neurological tests and even though my neurologist is almost 100% certain I don't have it, Google has convinced me otherwise. I've been taking all the cognitive tests at home and failing them or at least think I'm failing them. I make my daughters watch me and they claim I'm touching my nose every time with my finger, but I think they're just being nice. I'm very good at hypochondria.)  I keep hearing that little whisper in the back of my brain constantly telling me, "It ain't over until the fat disease sings, Sickie."

☀ I am far too busy to listen to that whisper these days. I'm keeping my mind off of things by falling down the stairs a lot and growling things like, "Ayyyy Matey, Me eye is gone all a-squiffy. But avast, pay 'er no mind! Take me to yer leader, Captain Jack Sparrow. I'll be rightfully claimin' me pirate booty, when I sees him."

☀ And speaking of all things pirate, my sister found these for me on the Internet. I've ordered two of them with different laces and frills. If you gotta go pirate, you may as well do it in grand style.

☁ I had the carpets cleaned last week, because I thought the Moron Twins were finally, finally, finally understanding the concept of potty is for the outside, not for the pretty area rugs. Turns out, I was wrong. I walked in my house yesterday to the smell of dog pee instead of that lovely, citrus freshly cleaned smell. There was also a big wet spot and 2 Stupidos who both hung their head when I showed them the spot. 

☀ At least, I still have my sense of smell—even if my sense of smell is being viciously assaulted by the scent of dog urine.

☁ I haven't been able to work out since they're unsure of what's going on and they don't want me causing any undue damage to my eyes. Compound this with, when I'm sad or frustrated, I eat. And this weekend we had a  party for my daughter and 45 of her closest friends and their parents. And once again, do not scold me. This was something that had been planned for quite some time and life needs to go on around here. And so the caterer was so thrilled to have our business, that he threw in about 10,000 different types of soft, chewy, jumbo sized cookies. And you guessed it, I've been medicating my worries with jumbo cookies and sitting around on my blubbery ass. This, my friends, is a toxic combination. 

☀ I have 10,000 different types of soft chewy, jumbo sized cookies! And every single one of them is delicious. If you gotta go big, go big on cookies. 

☁ I discovered I had some issues this past week, mainly high blood pressure, high cholesterol and vitamin deficiencies. 

☀These are all treatable things and I have already successfully lowered my blood pressure. I know this, thanks to my two, not one, but two blood pressure kits. 

☁ One of my prescriptions is for B12 injections, which at first, I was very excited about. I've heard only good things about B12. But then, with my fierce medical Googling skills, I found out that B12 injections are used in treating MS. So, what if my neurologist is just PRETENDING I have a B12 deficiency and what if he just didn't want to deal with my kind of crazy since he'd already gotten a little taste of it at our last visit when he had to tell me to RELAX and what if he's just waiting until he goes on vacation, so that his partner can be the one to tell me. 

This is all a definite possibility. 

☀ Even though I might have MS, I'm still excited about the B12 shot. My hubby gave it to me this morning. After being instructed at the doctor's office on the finer points of giving an injection, I still made him watch a youtube tutorial on how to give painless shots. (That youtube has something for just about everyone.) 

I wanted to film him shooting me up. I thought it would be good blog fodder. But he refused, telling me I was a freak. 

Here, I'll just reenact it for you. I laid on the bed with my sweat pants pulled down just a skosh and screamed the entire time, "DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! ARE YOU HURTING ME?" 

And then, the next thing I know, he was standing up with an empty syringe and it was done and I had no idea he'd even done it. 

I was too busy screaming. 

B12 is supposed to give you this terrific burst of energy. Although, I'm kind of wired, so it wasn't like I needed any extra energy. I just needed it in the right places. For instance, I have zero energy when it comes to the laundry or cooking a meal or grocery shopping. I figured this B12 shot would have me cranking out fresh laundry in no time. 

My hubby keeps checking on me with an "Anything yet?" And I'm still waiting for that zap of energy. 

Maybe it needs more time to make it through all the layers of cookie fat on my ass. 

☀ And, here's some grand news, really grand news— resting my eye means nothing is expected of me. No cooking, no housework, no laundry. But come to think of it . . . it's not much different than life before jacked up eyes. 

☀ Florida has been hit with lovely autumn weather. We've got mild, breezy temperatures during the day. The humidity has disappeared and there is just this balmy softness in the air, the kind of magical rare circumstances where we get to open up our sliding glass doors and windows and breathe in the fresh air. The very best kind of weather for someone who's stuck just sitting around, waiting for their eye to get better. 

☁ I can't fully enjoy the weather because Moronica and Moroni charge outside, dive into the pool and then race full speed back into the house, dripping several gallons of water from their woolly fur all over my house. And too, the duck thinks an open door is an invitation to come on in and leave a trail of duck poop in her wake. (Did I tell you we lost a duck to a raccoon? Long story, but someone forgot to put the ducks in their cage one night and so yeah, we did lose a duck. But my Hubby has vowed to keep our life insane and so he replaced the one duck with two ducklings who still reside under the incubator in the safety of our house.)

☀And here's the best part: I have three dogs, two who are imbeciles. I have an asshole for a cat who will sink her nails into your skin as a thank you for petting her. I have ducks in incubators and ducks who I find quacking their way throughout my house. I have girls who are sassy or sweet, depending on the second. I have a husband who injects me in the ass without causing me a bit of pain. I have laundry that will never, ever be a finished chore and all of these things, well except for maybe the laundry, fill me with delight in the goodness of my days here. This insanity makes up my life, my treasured, wonderful life. And no matter what may come, this is what I hold in my hands and I am and will always be so utterly grateful for every, mad-cap, beautiful second.

Today's Definite Download: No download today. A video instead. And before I go any further, I want to say, I have been in no way paid to say this. I don't have ads on my site. I don't do giveaways or reviews. This is my personal opinion. 

I am a big fan of White House/Black Market. I love their clothes. They're smart, sexy and lovely and they're made for women. Not teenagers or little Chicas in their 20's. But Grownup Girl fashion. I receive their emails, because I go there . . .  often. Well, maybe a little more than often. Okay, maybe they say, "Hi Joann" when I walk in the door, but that's it, it's not like they know anything else about me. Well they might know my girls because someone's always with me, but that's it. 

Today I received a special email from them. On Oct. 7th, they are having an event called GIVE HOPE. They will be donating a portion of their event's proceeds to a worthy cause called Living Beyond Breast Cancer. 

Along with their email announcement, White House/Black Market is honoring 25 women who have inspired others with their unparalleled courage, constant grace and incredible determination. Each of these women have a short little video where they tell of their fight and how they have chosen to champion this insipid disease. Their indomitable spirit just shines through each and every one of them and it brought me to tears as I sat there through most of my morning, listening to their stories. 

I've included a link to the video highlighting White House's project. Please if you have a few moments, go here, to watch this. It is a beautiful example of women, who in the darkest moments of their life, found their light. I'm finding mine every day. 


Christine Macdonald said...

Please keep us posted on your health -- yeay for the flying colors! But -- WTF? I want your eyes better!

Thanks for this link. I love your heart.


twelvedaysold said...

How about I give you a little discouragement?

Because, after your last post, I had that stupid Justin Bieber song in my head ALL DING DANG DAY. Thanks, Joann.

Oh, but one thing of encouragement is that Mythbusters figured out that if you wear a patch over one eye, and then switch eyes when you go into a dark room, your eye is already adjusted to the lack of light. You might try it! Joann, my very own pirate blogger!

Sending good wishes your way, and to your friend who just found out about breast cancer. Hate to hear that.

Unknown said...

I hope you'll be seeing your way clearly soon!

Unknown said...

only you would be wearing satin and lace eyepatches.
You kill me.
I hope you figure it out soon. You probably just need to work your eye out more.
Whatever. That. means.


Lisa said...

Oh boy, I have so much to say I'm not even sure where to begin!

But, OK, I'll start with that first picture. Which I had to cover with my hand while I was reading your post because it seriously was freaking me out! The second picture, however...I forgot to keep reading because I was busy staring at Johnny and imagining HIS pirate's booty. But I digress...

Thanks so much for the health update - I'm been saying prayers for you and hoping for good news. LOVE those eye patches. At least you'll be a stylish pirate.

Hmm. I think I had more to say, but I forgot it already. So just know that you are loved and missed.

duffylou said...

I won't give you much to read an tax your eye(s).

Get well soon!

Amber at The Musings of ALMYBNENR said...

I continue to keep you in my thoughts, Joann, and I'll add your friend as well. I walked in the Race for the Cure in Maryland on Sunday and she, as well as women everywhere, are the reason I walk each year.

Lisa Loo said...

Am I the only one that think those eye patches look like half a Madonna bra?!

Just wondering.

If I did as much as you did in a day--both my eyes would be hanging out of their sockets--

I hope you get all fixed up soon...

Heather H said...

Please, please, please tell your husband to check his Facebook email. I sent him a message last week about something I think you should be checked for. Luckily, it's something that an ophthalmologist who specializes in muscle disorders should be familiar with...hopefully. That is the kind of doctor I am seeing to treat my condition, with the exact same symptoms as you.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers and will add your friend as well.

Ducky said...

I fall going up the stairs and I have two working eyes....that is sad. But I may play the pirate angle...I'm good with accents.

I do hope all continues to go well although I do know it is frustrating and relieving all at the same time to have tests come back normal.

middle child said...

Do b-12 shots have to build up in your system? I heard they were good also. Um,..have they checked for lymphoma? And there was something you posted about your husband and the shots that I SOOOOO wanted to write a dirty comment on. I mean, It was just begging for a come back. But I refrained. The eye patches are sexy and are you. Just remember, if someone asks you, "Where's your Buccaneers?" You can tell them,.."Under my Bucking hat."

Cheryl said...

You had to go there w/ Marty Feldman, didn't you. ;)

Know that you're in my thoughts and I'm glad you popped in for the update.

Also, thank you for the link to the video. Amazing, amazing women. I hope your friend will also be a conqueror.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

So glad to hear from you Joann. I was thinking about you today in the shower. Not that the shower had anything to do with me thinking about you. I just happened to be there at the time. Thinking about your wonky eyes. Glad I cleared that up.

You have a jump start on Halloween already matey. OR, or, you could be Darryl Hannah's character in Kill Bill!

No Lisa Loo, you are not alone. I thought the tan one was a small boob.

Get better and keep us informed. We are a caring and concerning bunch.

Cheeseboy said...

Well, knowing that you have very limited computer time, I am honored that you visited my little blog.

And this is an awfully long post for you to be starring at a computer.

Now, as you know, I am a huge hypochondriac. I know that no matter how many times you have been told that it is not serious by zillions of doctors, your mind always wanders to the worst. I am always thinking, "well, they must have missed something".

It's such a stupid thing to do and it really is not based in rationality. But as you know, we hypochondriacs are not rational.

That being said, I'm sure it's nothing. Good luck at your doctor's appointment.

Trista said...

So so sorry to hear that your friend was diagnosed with that horrible disease, and I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

I am loving the eye patches, I might just have to be a pirate for Halloween just to wear those.

I hope your eyes get better and thanks for the laugh about the dogs and ducks, well, except for that one duck- what a horrible tragic death!

P.S. Have you heard of Mumford and sons?!?! I just found them today on youtube, bought the cd from Itunes and I am in love!!!!!

The Furry Godmother said...

When Terra had a series of detatched retinas several years ago, we called him the "Hathaway Shirt Man". He didn't do pirate.

And LOVE my B12 shots. Terra and I have been taking them for years. I really notice at the end of the month when it's time to get another. You'll start to feel it soon.

Be better soon. That's an order.

Bossy Betty said...

OK, Darling. You take it easy and I am sending you SO many positive thoughts! Here's the deal. After all is said and done and your beautiful eyes are back to normal--better than normal, I would like you to make those eyepatches into a sexy little bikini-top number, got it?

Alexandra said...

How did you make something like that [pirate eye] into something like this?

You are always coming out on top, arent' you, golden one?

We are all thinking about you...xoxoox

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better very soon. I am a total hypochondriac. I even downloaded the webbed app to my iPad, despite my hubs banning me from using the website. Though, with the app technically I'm not.

purplume said...

I wish it would turn out to be something easy like a reaction to your rug cleaning fluid or something.
It is very strange. My prayers are with you all.

Liz said...

I was without a computer 2 days last week, quickly followed by a 4 day trip to Chicago. It sounds like I missed a lot of stuff, and I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling your best. I hope you get answers to your eye problem soon, and I'm also sorry about your imbecile dogs. But I do admit hearing about them makes me laugh.

Ash said...

An offered giggle in honor of you and Marty -

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.

Inga: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.

Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.

Inga: Voof.

Igor: He's going to be very popular.

Take it easy, lovely lady. Still in my thoughts and prayers.

P.S. my mil gets B12 shots. She says they're the bomb. Minus the whole shot thing. Enjoy!

Mom vs. the boys said...

hey, you are not suppose to be on the computer- somebodies going to make you walk the plank matey! argh! I really hope you get feeling better soon, this must really suck, go ahead and have that pity party girl, you deserve it!

Tracie Nall said...

I had to wear a patch when I was a kid....I wish that my mom found me cute ones like those. They are awesome!

One pirate to another....much love. Rest those eyes and we will see you back in blog-land in no time (after the doctor realizes that you need to up your chocolate intake by four bars a week to cure your eye)

Deborah said...

I've been thinking about you and repeatedly sending white light your way.

You are missed, but we all want you well. Take care!

jayayceeblog said...

Hope you figure this thing out fast so you can walk up and down the stairs with your usual elegance and grace! One burning question: Are you going to get a parrot???

Unknown said...

sending hugs and get well thoughts,
and looking forward to your return here...

Shell said...

I have been out of town, so I was clueless about all this. Sending you prayers!!!!

White House Black Market- LOVE them. My dress for my brother's wedding this past weekend was from there. Only place I could find something that wasn't made for a teenager or a great-grandma. Dress with matching shoes, wrap, and earrings. I looked fabulous. :)

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I know you will look fabulous in those jaunty eye patches! Feel better and sending good thoughts your way!

Grace said...

What the hell? I mean, the eye patches are cool, and I love that you're lounging around and your husband is taking great care of you, but that just sucks. I'm thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

I think you are completely justified in having a small pity party!! It's okay.

I know this post came through a couple of days ago so I hope the appt went well.

cheri said...

even at your worst, double-visioned self, you're still pretty funny not that i'm laughing at your predicament but instead of moping, you used it for blog fodder.

i do wish you well and pray that they find out what's wrong. then again, you can always see two cuties from afar :)

Pat said...

I hope they figure out what the heck is going on with your eyes. This might sound like a silly question, but did they check your sugar? My brother-in-law suddenly came down with double vision and it was attributed to diabetes. He wore an eye patch for 6 weeks, and then the double vision was gone.

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