I'm About To Be Filthy Rich
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
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Before I start my post today, I need to clear something up. 

See, I received a very sad email the other day from a blogger friend who thought I might have moved on in my life and was done with them because I haven't visited their blog lately. 

It's not true. It's so not true. 

For those of you who aren't aware, I'll whine about it again. 

I have finished writing my novel and through the advice of my critique partner, A.B. Keuser and another good writer friend, I am revising some bits and pieces of my manuscript. Nothing big, just weaving a few things into the work in a different way. And I've decided the only way I can do this in a timely manner is to give my whole focus to my work. 

I am going to be posting once, maybe twice a week here, just to give my overtaxed, small brain a break. But for the month of November, you won't be hearing much from me. 

Because we all know how darn captivating you bloggers can be and I could spend my whole day, all my days, right here with you. 

And as much as I hate to do it, it's the only way this will work. 

But that doesn't mean I'm forgetting you all. I vow to visit everyone, once I've got this revision nonsense under my belt. You'll all be, "Cripes, it's Joann again! Doesn't she have a life?"

And the answer to that would be, no. I do not have a life. My kids and dogs make sure of that. 

But the point is, I need to work on revisions. And it's hard, man. So hard. I think this might be harder than the three times I gave birth. I'm quite overwhelmed right now and I don't do overwhelmed very well. 

I yell a lot. 

And while I wander around in my writer's haze, everyone and everything suffers. The laundry, my house, my family, my dogs, my ass. 

Oh man, my ass!

When I'm trying to find the right words, I always end up in the kitchen with my hand in the Sugar Smacks cereal box and since I've even cut out my exercise for the month, my ass might be suffering the most. And then there's all the showers I've been taking. I have no idea why, but the shower is where I get my biggest inspirations. I can't imagine what the water bill's going to be like. When that ten mazillion dollar water bill comes in and my hubby has a heart attack, I think I'll be all, "Damn kids! They must have left the hose on again!"

I knew I'd find a good reason for having kids. 

Anyway, please know that you are all in my thoughts and I appreciate each and every one of you and I can't wait to come back to blogworld, once I'm out of writer's HELL. 

I haven't moved on, I've just moved to HELL for the time being. 

In my long winded way, what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry for my rudeness this month but I just need to get this done. 

So now that we've gotten that all cleared up, on with . . . 

Taa-daa! More great spam! And actually, this one really wasn't so much a spam, but a fabulous email sent my way. This email was so awesome in its effort to con information and money out of me, I had to send a reply to the spamalicious crooks. 

First off, here's the email:

Attn:Sir
As a matter of urgency by the approval of my Patient {Mrs Venkat Ashok} a Widow an American born Indian Citizen who is at the point of death here in American Hospital Dubai. She made an oral Will for her bond investment of £7.878.678 Seven million eight hundred and seventy eight thousand six hundred seventy eight Great Britsih pounds sterling with one of the bank here in U.A.E. She mandated me as her Doctor to find a good and God fearing Citizen whom will make use of this fund as humanitarian assistance and whom will use of this fund to help the less privilege in the World

For the past few hours she has been in a state of comma and medically she has no chance of survival. If you can be trusted with such humanitarian help acknowledge by confirming your detail contact address which will include phone/fax numbers Age/occupation
As soon as i hear from you i will explain your role in details. 

Dr Johannes Scheepers

*Consultant plastic surgeon-Chelsea and Westminister Hospital
*Consultant plastic surgeon-St Thomas Hospital London
*Eight years in private practice at 129 Harley Street
*Special Expertise:
*Esthetic Breast Surgery
*Tummy tucks
*Liposuction
*Chemical Peels
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This email and any attachments may contain privileged or confidential information. This email is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed. If you are not the recipient of this email, you are hereby notified that any copying, distribution, dissemination or action taken in relation to the contents of this email is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. 

Okay, I've got a few things to say here first. 

Why is Mrs. Venkat Ashok being attended in her dying hours by a plastic surgeon consultant who specializes in breast surgery and chemical peels? Perhaps Mrs. Venkat Ashok wouldn't have gone into a state of comma if she had a non-bogus doctor. Might want to think about that Mrs. Venkat Ashok. 

And Dr. Scheepers needs to be schooled on rounding off numbers, for sure. Like anyone's going to care about those last few digits. 

"Hold up. Did you say seven million, eight hundred and seventy eight thousand, six hundred and seventy EIGHT pounds? Wow. Since it's EIGHT pounds, okay yes! Because if you'd said it was six hundred and seventy SEVEN pounds, there'd be no way I'm helping you out, but seventy EIGHT? Hell yeah, I'm in!"

And also, I find it quite ironic that Dr. Scheepers has the audacity to add the general disclaimer that this email is intended solely for me. Really? Because I am not a SIR, Dr. Scheepers. My hair might be short, but I'm hoping that's my only mannish quality. I'm not hairy in the least. And I can't catch a ball, even if you rolled it to me. And I cry at the drop of a hat. So, it's pretty hard to mistake me for a dude. 

And how about the warning that by distributing this email to all of you, I'm the one breaking the law?

Really, Dr. Scheepers?

Well, guess what? I'm distributing your bogus little email, so here's what I have to say about that, Dr. Scheepers:

BRING.  IT. 

Why don't we just see who the law likes better. I'm betting, me. 

Here's my reply to Dr. Tummy Tuck. BE WARNED. There is strong profanity in my reply because sometimes, certain situations require strong profanity. And also if you are sensitive to political correctness, you might want to stop reading right now. This letter is very politically incorrect and for those who just don't have much of a sense of humor, it is not making fun of the homeless, but of the ridiculousness of my spam email. 

So, here's the email I sent. I think the good doctor probably liked it a lot. 

HELL YEAH, DR. PEEPERS!!!!! YOU FOUND THE MOST GOD FEARIN' CITIZEN OF THE WHOLE DURN U.S. OF FREAKIN' A! I'M TRUSTABLE AND I'LL TAKE THE OLD LADY'S MONEY AND BUY SOME BIG SCREEN TV'S AND IPODS AND OTHER GOOD SHIT FOR THE POOR KIDS. 

I'LL EVEN TAKE A BUNCH OF HOMELESS PEOPLE TO HAWAII AND TREAT EM TO A NICE VACATION OF HIGH STYLE LIVING. YOU KNOW, JUST TO MAKE EM ALL FORGET FOR ABOUT 14 DAYS OF FANCY HOTELS THAT THEY LIVE ON THE CURB IN A BOX. 

AND MAYBE I'LL EVEN GET ME A MANSION WHILE I'M THERE AND I'LL LET THE HOMELESS PEOPLE MOW MY LAWN AND VACUUM THE MANSION AND WASH MY NEW LAMBORGHINI AND ALL THAT DOMESTICATED SHIT CAUSE I AM AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER AND BECAUSE I FEEL IT WILL GIVE THOSE LESS PRIVILEGED F**KERS BACK THEIR SELF RESPECT AND GIVING THEM HOMELESS KIND OF PEOPLE SELF RESPECT BY CLEANING MY POOL AND WEEDING OUT MY GARDENS IS GONNA MAKE THOSE CRAZY LITTLE HOMELESS CRAPHEADS SAY, "YES I CAN!" AND THAT IS AS HUMANITARIANAGEOUS AS IT GETS. 

I GOT ME ALL KINDS OF OTHER IDEAS TO HELP HUMANITARIANIALLY AND ALL. JUST SEND THE CASH FIRST AND I PROMISE YOU, I AIN'T NO LIARHOLIC. I'LL DO RIGHT BY YOUR SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY EIGHT THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY EIGHT GREAT BRITSIH POUNDS. WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS. I GOT NO IDEA. I SURE AS HELL HOPE IT MEANS I'M GETTING A SHITLOAD OF MONEY!

I DON'T HAVE NO ADDRESS SINCE AT THE MOMENT I'M TEMPORARY HOMELESS MYSELF, BUT YOU CAN SEND IT TO A COMPANY HERE IN AMERICA CALLED THE F.B.I. AND DON'T WORRY, THIS IS A HIGHLY TRUSTABLE COMPANY. THEY'LL MAKE SURE I GET THE BRITSIH POUNDS. HERE IS THE INTERNET ADDRESS FOR THE F.B.I. 
http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx
ON SECOND THOUGHT, DON'T BOTHER SENDING THEM YOUR INFORMATION BECAUSE I ALREADY GAVE THEM YOUR VITALS. 

CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE MONEY!!! GOOD JOB FINDING ME OUT OF ALL THE PEEPS ON THE INTERNET. YOU PICKED THE RIGHT SHE/HE FOR THE JOB. 

GODSPEED TO THE OLD LADY AND ALL. SORRY ABOUT HER STATE OF COMMA. 
DEATH BY PUNCTUATION SUCKS. 

SINCERELY, 
SIR

I'll let you know when the money shows up. 

And there's one more thing today:

My dear friend Cheeseboy has been complaining for awhile now about the lack of equal representation in eye candy on my blog. 

Cheese, that's because I'm a GIRL. 

Maybe my hair really is throwing everyone off. 

Anyway, I really don't have any interest in hunting down pictures of hot chicks. 

But for you today, Abe, I've got this:


The Doritos Girl. 

And this:


Because I ADORE Sofia Vergara. She's a big part of the genius of Modern Family. 

And also this:


Wait! How did that get in there? 

And now it's getting hot in here, so maybe we should call a doctor.


Sorry, Cheese. I had to represent. 

Enjoy your eye candy. I got your back, Dude. I'll send a few Great Britisih Pounds your way. 

Today's Definite Download: Now every great once and awhile, I shockingly like something top 40ish. I have no idea why, but I just loved this song from the minute it hit the airwaves. 

Nelly's "Just A Dream" is an excellent song for car dancing and even better for mortifying your kids. When Nelly sings, "If you ever loved somebody, put your hands up . . . " And I am all, hands up, just rockin' that song and that car, my kids just love that so much. 

I'm not going to bother with the lyrics because, well, because the lyrics say things like, "Tryin to get my usher over, I can let it burn . . . " And I have no idea what that means. 

So, here's the video instead, right here.  Raise that little finger and click over. It's a great song. It's worth it just to hear Nellie's "Aw, Aw, Aw." *Sigh*

If you ever loved somebody, put your hands up. 

Here's my hands up in the air, for you, for all of you. 

Love and Light until I see you again. 
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47 comments:

Christine Macdonald said...

I'm so PROUD of you sister. We aren't going anywhere. Revise away and we'll be here when you get back. Never apologize for following your dreams. xxoo Love you ~ C

LisaPie said...

Love you!

Can NOT wait to see the book, either. Get a website set up right now for all of us adoring fans to pre-order our very own signed copies.

♥Cari♥ said...

Just keep doin' what you do! Finish up that book! We will be waiting.

and....lolololol! That reply was fantastic.

lvankuiken said...

What Christine and LisaPie said...but also...

Death by comma??

Hee Hee. That cracked me up, and I absolutely, totally LOVED your reply!

I also loved the McDreamy eye candy, and really don't understand all the gender confusion today. I can't think of anyone who looks (and acts) LESS like a dude.

Good luck with the revisions, and of course - with the never-ending laundry. Because I know, that whatever else is going on in your life, or in the world, the laundry still keeps piling up.

XOXO

Lora said...

Woo-hoo, go you!

And that reply...genius. love it!

duffylou said...

Priceless.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Well, hello and well done. Way to give back, dude. I mean Joann. I think the Doritos girl might be a patient of Dr. Helsyk Comma. Just sayin'. Once the money comes in, I'd be glad to help you get rid of it in a humanitarianagistic fashion.

Kelly said...

"Death by comma" killed me just about dead. The way it's killing Mrs. Whatsername. But it could be worse, she could be dying of semi-colon. With only a semi colon, she's probably all full of sh*t. I know her doctor is.

twelvedaysold said...

Death by punctuation!

I once went back and forth 4 or 5 times with a scammer. I told him how great it was to hear from him, and how had he been since high school? He said he had been fine, please send bla bla bla information.

Eva Gallant said...

Joan, that was hysterical, as usual. I do find myself torn between Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy, however! Good luck with your rewrite. We'll wait for you, with our hands up!

Aging Mommy said...

No need for apologies - anyone who reads your blog regularly already knows you are focused right now on finishing your novel, so you go do just that!

Love your letter - those spam emails are so so ridiculous.

aLmYbNeNr said...

1. CONGRATS!
2. I love you for that email! So EFFING hilarious!

Noelle said...

I love when you sneak a blog post in during your month of book writing! This was good stuff! May I copy and paste this and use it for every spam email I get???

And as for Cheese, I'm sure he will love you even more now! Dr. Mc. Dreamy is hot!

Good luck with the book writing!!!

purplume said...

Great post. Take your time and space and best luck with your revisions. I appreciate even more your comment now knowing how precious time is.
Excellent reply to the scammers.

Ostriches Look Funny said...

I'm not doing the internet thing much right now either. I hear you.
Please send me 7 million pounds. Isn't it euros now anyway?

Deidra said...

That email response was absolutely brilliant! This must be why you're one of my favorite bloggers to read. :)
And I suppose Cheeseboy had a point. You're all about equal opportunity, right? RIGHT?!

I mean, that's what you said in that email, Sir. ;)

Kate said...

I wouldn't start counting my money just yet. A state of comma can't take that long. Maybe when she lapses into semicolon...

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

See, when I see you pop up in my reader I think...what they hell is she doing here? She's supposed to be working, revising and crap. I know you have things to do. Just hurry up and do them and we can get back to you know, things, McDreamy things and such.

Dying from punctuation! Bahaha!

The Empress said...

Death by punctuation does suck. Also, if you're the one doing it, right?

"Eats shoots and leaves" vs "Eats, shoots, and leaves."

Love you, no excuses for being so close to your dreams, Joann.

NONE.

Go live it. You're doing what so many of us wish we could: priorities, doing what needs to be done to reach those goals.

I am impressed and proud.

The Empress said...

p.s. I LOVE SOFIA!!!!!!!!!!!



LOVE.HER.

The Empress said...

I had to come back to confess: the real reason I visit you?

I use you for your sidebar.

Sorry, but it's like the only place where all my fave blogs are organized and you save me time and keep me in the loop.

Sorry, just since you were all truthful-ly here and all...

The Furry Godmother said...

Heelarious. Do tell when the check comes. Don't leave us hangin'.

Gigi said...

Sofia is knockerlicious in that there picture. wowza.

Take your time, gal, we'll all be here when you get back. I've been pretty MIA myself. I LOVE that Nelly song BTW, and my kids like to still put their hands up with me (a benefit of the younguns!)

Daffy said...

I swear I thought it said Sofia Viagra...same difference though, right?!

Best of luck!!!

Ash said...

Scheepers creepers.

"DEATH BY PUNCTUATION SUCKS."

Awesome. But I would so take it over Death by POV, my current state of being. 11,000 words in, and I'm even boring myself.

Not good.

But you, oh talented one, go. You go! Go! Go!

(Meet you in the kitchen later? I'll be the one with my hand in the Corn Pops.)

Mom vs. the boys said...

just finished watching modern family actually! I love her!
well, sounds like you will be loaded soon and maybe you can hire mc dreamy to look after your eye problem!

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha! I really, really needed this today. It was a rough, long day and then I found this thing of beauty... I mean, the Doritos girl?! How can you go wrong.

McDreamy aint bad too. What? Did I say that?! No.

Never change. You are hilariawsome.

Yuliya said...

You write your book woman!
Needless to say when you become rich I would like a little somethin somethin...just saying.

Shelley said...

Congratulations on finishing the book! Can't wait until it's available on Amazon. :)

I hate when I'm stuck in a state of comma,

Rae said...

I may not be writing any more, but I'm still reading. And your blog is such a breath of fresh air and joy!
But, pursue that book! They say we all have one in us. You're lucky yours has emerged.
Mine? I'm a little constipated right now.

Dawn in Austin said...

I always enjoy sitting in your world for a little while. A fresh breath of spring air, that's what you are.

Good luck on your revisions!

granny1947 said...

Damn Joann...yet another bubble pricked....and here I was waiting for the money to arrive!!!!

Liz said...

LOVE Modern Family!

And I used to love Patrick until I saw an interview with him. My love quickly faded.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Priorities are that I should be reading the 97 contest entries instead of over here.

Finish that book and do not hurry over it.

NO MORE GUILT!

Shell said...

How dare you go off and do things outside of the blogosphere????

:)

Get your edits done. I do expect a complimentary copy of your book when it's published though.

Nancy C said...

Oh, Modern Family. I love thee so. And mostly because of Sofia. I try to go around talking like her, but it doesn't have the same effect on my husband and she seem to.

Hm....


Write on, dear lady. I am so proud of you for working on your goals with such passion.

Kelley said...

So happy for you & that novel! Go you! I look forward to reading it. :)

Lady Jennie said...

I cracked up throughout your post.

Empress sent me over to follow you because she said she uses your sidebar for updates on all her fav bloggers. (I asked her how she kept up with all the new posts and this was her solution).

So, um, can you put me on your sidebar too?

No, that was a joke. :-) I've always been tempted to respond to one of those scam letters, but I wouldn't be able to pull one off as funny as yours.

Also, is that Doritos girl a little unbalanced in the chest area? Or is it the leather bustier?

jayayceeblog said...

State of Comma is going to have me in stitches for months! Thanks for sharing your spam from the notable Dr. Plastic in Dubai. Now get back to work on your editing and please be careful of those commas and colons and periods *snort*!

Ca88andra said...

Congrats on finishing your novel and good luck for the revision! I don't envy you that! Love Nellie - am putting my hands up right now...

Sandra said...

Where do I start?...well with Patrick of course! I posted a pic of him as well this week. Just 'cause.
As for you being busy with revisions, well, personally, I give you so much credit and am soooooooooooooo jealous that you are accomplishing something so monumental as completing a novel. I'm sad that someone felt compelled to write to you about your lack of visiting their blog. That's so narcissistic. Doesn't that blogger know that narcissism is my gig?
Anyway, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you Joann what an inspiration you are. Blogging is great, but to be a novelist! Well, I tip my frizzy clown hair to you my dear lady!

Nicki said...

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can we meet someday? =)

First of all, fuck off for ignoring my blog! Your book can't possibly be THAT important! What is that you say? My blog post hasn't changed in over a week? Shit. You are right. I am busy as fuck too and have ignored everyone for the past week. Okay, fine. Apology accepted! Please accept mine in return? Besides, how could any of us be upset after this last entry? You apologized from the heart, you made me laugh me fucking ass off with that email. Seriously, there were tears!!!! AND, as if all of that wasn't enough, you threw in pics of Dr. McDreamy!! You ROCK! Good luck with the book!! I am struggling myself with my art. I am a psych major and an art minor. I always feel like people think I am taking Basket Weaving 101 when I say "Art Classes" but the shit is hard and I need the credits to graduate! Love ya!

McKenzie said...

That is awesome about your book, I am super excited for you!

The e-mail, it cracked me up something fierce. Loved your response.

Also, love the pics of McDreamy!!

mommylebron said...

I hope the writing is going good for you! I'm using NaNoWriMo as the motivation to write a story that's been stuck in my head for a while. I popped over here after Liz mentioned your name...what was it she said? Oh, right! Not to mention the post where I (sorta) confess my Beiber Love. SO, I will steer clear of that and just say I love your blog and will be back often.

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

Whoa, you wrote a novel? A whole novel and not just a few sentences about the novel you'd like to write?? You are a woman to follow. I'm working on one, too, but Jeanette Walls I'm not about to be any time soon.

Loved reading a few of your posts. I'll be back even if you're too busy doing important things, you novelist.

Baby Sister said...

You crack me up. Remind me to NEVER get on your bad side. :)

Good luck with the editing!!

Anonymous said...

I was lucky to find this laundryhurtsmyfeelings.blogspot.com blog. I don't have much to add to the conversation, but I'm right here with you. This post said exactly what I have been thinking. Good to see you posting.

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