I'm Gonna Pull Some Pernicious Machiavellic Oklahoma On Your Ass Today
Friday, January 28, 2011
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I know. I know. Just a few days ago, I was all, "You're not going to see me around these parts very much for awhile." 

And you won't. But it's been a busy week and I've been bursting with all kinds of things to say. Next week, I promise you, you'll barely hear from me. 

You can thank me later. 

But today, I'm giving you my recap of The Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion show. 

And yes, I know, housewives and Beverly Hills is a huge oxymoron. 

But really? Who the freak cares about titles when you've got this sort of delicious drama streaming into your family room or bedroom in my case. 

And if you're not a Housewife addict, you might just want to come back another day because I doubt any of this will make sense. In fact, it probably won't make sense to those of you who do watch. 

Without further ado, my recap:

Andy Cohen: Ladies, a reader writes in that, clearly, you all know the price of a Coach purse, but what's the price of a gallon of milk. 

Silence. 

Camille: Wait a minute, Andy. What is this gallon of milk you speak of? I thought my best girlfriend/ house manager milked my assistant house manager who is also my best friend and that's how the milk shows up in my refrigerator. That's not the way it happens? You do know I have many, many girlfriends who are not pernicious. All of my friends were bought and paid for with my A-list celebrity husband's cold hard cash. No one wants to be my friend because my husband was having an affairrrr.


Andy Cohen: A reader wants to know why you ladies are so plastic.

Lisa: (who by the way is my favorite. She's so pink and fabulous!) Excuse me, Andy, but who the bloody hell asks that kind of question? Not that it's any of their bloody business, but I will have you know, I have NOT had plastic surgery. I only do normal, everyday maintenance, just some Botox, Restalyne, some chemical peels, lasering, injectables of bovine fat and, you know, that sort of everyday kind of skin care

But back to the question from a common person. That sort of question is just downright rude, is what it is. In fact, give me their address. I'm going to go kick that common person in their non-liposuctioned, flabby common ass with my signed pink Christian Louboutin heels. I'll drive to their shack in my Bentley because I now have an American license since I just went to Somalia, oh, I'm sorry, I mean the local DMV and passed the test which was very grueling, I'll have you know, being surrounded by all of those eclectic people. 

Andy Cohen: Yes Lisa, another reader pointed out your use of the word eclectic. They found the term to be insulting. 

Lisa: Insulting? Why, whatever is wrong with these common people and their bloody questions? I love eclectic people. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without the eclectics. I employ many of them. The eclectics trim my hedges, mop my floors, cook my meals and clean up my Jiggy's tiny little poos.  

Andy Cohen: In your 17,000 square foot home? Readers wanted to know why you felt you needed a house of that magnitude. 

Lisa: Dahling, don't be silly, of COURSE it's too large for my doddering husband and me, since our gay, gorgeous, criminal, con-artist, Randy Quaid squatter was finally forced to leave, when I grabbed the back of his speedos and gave him a righteous heave-ho.

But you must understand, we raised two, count them TWO children in that 17,000 feet of house. My God, how we survived that sort of cattle car squashing, I don't know. But now, yes, it's a mite roomy and I'd like to downsize. I'm thinking somewhere around 10,000. It will be tight, but anything less would be considered trailer park. 

Camille: Try 3,500 square feet, Lisa. My husband, the A-list celebrity, wanted me to move into a tenement in New York City. But that was before he left my obnoxious ass because he was having an affairrrr. 

Andy Cohen: There was a lot of talk this season, Lisa, about the fact that you have sex with your husband only three times a year. 

Lisa: Dahling, don't you get it? I have a fabulous sense of humor. That's what I do, I kid in my fabulous English accent. Of course, I was joking! We have sex twice a year. 

Andy Cohen: Twice a year. And that's okay with you and your husband?

Lisa: Dahling, have you seen my doddering husband? He carries a miniature dog with him wherever he goes. He dresses up in sweater sets to match the little yapper. If I'm being honest, I'd say I'm really quite a wonderful wife. The thought of having sex with him even twice a year is actually quite horrifying. Getting Jiggy takes on a whole other meaning in my luxurious world.

Andy Cohen: Well, changing gears here. Taylor, there was quite a bit of criticism over your lavish $60,000 party for your four-year-old? What do you think?

Lisa: I'll tell you what I think. I think it's bloody ridiculous. We don't even spend half of that on our annual wardrobe for our little Jiggy, if you don't count the Christian Louboutin dog heels Christian personally made for our yapper and of course, my doddering husband's pair to match. 

Taylor: Andy, you need to tread carefully or I'll take you out back and pull some Oklahoma on your ass. 

Andy Cohen: What does that mean?

Taylor: I have no idea. It just came out of my duck lips before I realized it. But to answer your question, no, it wasn't too much money. I mean, I have to get attention somehow, since my controlling, verbally abusive, wimpy, really creepy husband who I only married for his money, doesn't even look at me unless he's ordering me around.

And this was my chance to shine. I mean, have you seen the pictures of me standing on the birthday table in my Mad Hatter hooker attire? I looked amazzzzing!

And all of the moms had a super great time and got totally trashed on the finest champagne I had flown in from France because I have to make that controlling abusive husband pay and so I do it passive aggressively by frivolously wasting his money. And yeah, the kid had a good time. She played on her swing-set with her nanny, until my creeper husband showed me who controls me and got our little girl, um, whatever her name is, a puppy after I told him specifically not to get her a dog. But once again, this duck lipped Okie can do passive aggressive better than anybody. Every morning when Lil What's Her Name wakes up, I pull a little Oklahoma on her ass and smack her around a bit. Not too much, because I am the spokesperson for a charity that does something I can't remember with domestic violence, so I only smack her enough to give her suspicious red welts. And now, my doctor thinks Lil What's Her Name is allergic and yeah, so all good. No dog. Score-One for the passive aggressive duck lips. Zero for Mr. "I was teased in school for being such a wimp, so now I take it out on my wife."

Andy Cohen: A lot of readers want to know about your lip implant. Would you ever consider having it taken out?

Taylor: Hell, to the f**ck no! I mean, oh my goodness I would never consider it. You see, in Oklahoma, if you're lucky enough to catch a duck in a duck trap with a little bit of Crisco attached to a rope, you invite the whole trailer park over for a duck feast. It's considered the ultimate luxury. And so, when I dusted off the Okie funk and transformed myself here in L.A., my first thought was luxury. And so of course, I automatically thought duck. When I go back and visit the Okies, they all want to touch my lips for luck and good fortune. 

Andy Cohen: There has been a lot of talk this year about you stirring the pot. Our viewers agree with the other Housewives that you were the catalyst behind Kyle and Camille's season long fight. 

Taylor: Andy, I'm not sure what a catalyst is. Is that like a catalogue? Because if it's for the sake of a costume party, I will try and wear costume jewelry, but it doesn't always work out since I break into hives if anything under $5,000 touches my skin. 

Andy Cohen: Are you avoiding the question? Did you report back to Camille that the other girls were talking about her and her insecurity issues?

Taylor: Might want to be careful, Andy or I'll take you out back and pull some Oklahoma on your ass. I didn't do anything. It was all Kim because she's a f**ing nut job and so it's easy to blame shit on her. 

Kim: Don't anyone look directly at me and my crazy eyes.

My mom forced me into being a Disney star when I was little, therefore I don't know how to put on makeup and back when I was married to any of my four husbands, you could knock on my door and the butler would answer and you'd find us out back with our chef's hats on. That was before my sister stole my house.

I don't like confrontation or Martin the English billionaire, the only man left in the world who might put up with my crazy long enough to give me another baby so I can transfer the love I never had as a child to my own children. Maybe if I just keep popping them out, I'll get lucky enough to have one of them who won't ignore me.

Taylor: You better shut up or I'm gonna pull some Oklahoma on your ass. 

Kim: Yeah, well I'm gonna take you back to Witch Mountain, Daffy Duck. 

Taylor: We all know you're crazzzzy, so that's why I'm blaming everything on you and you're an alcoholic with huge mental issues, but we're not going to talk about that until Part II, since the producers want to ensure big ratings. 

Kim: Okay. Cause I told my niece Paris Hilton, step aside your Aunt Kim was here first. Heh-heh-heh-heh. 

Andy Cohen: Adrienne, you're very quiet over there with your sparkly weave. Do you have anything to add?

Adrienne: Well, I'd just like to say, that I can't believe my agent convinced me into doing this show with these wack jobs.

I mean, I own casinos. I own a basketball team. My husband annoys me every waking moment of my life. What the f**ck am I doing here? I don't need this sort of stress, I get enough anxiety dealing with my bumbling plastic surgeon husband who can't even order me a turkey sandwich correctly.

What the hell am I doing here?

Andy Cohen: Moving on to Kyle. Kyle the big story of the season was your ongoing squabble with Camille. Do you want to give us your point of view. 

Kyle: Well...


Camille: You bullied me, Kyle. You set me up. And you know you said, "Why would anyone be interested in you if Kelsey Grammar, your A-list celebrity husband wasn't around?" You said it and I know it sounds totally bogus, but I am not a liar. I just like to stretch the truth a pernicious lot. But I can't help it, because my husband was having an affairrrr.

Kyle: Stop using the misused word of the month, Camille. You're an obnoxious, self-absorbed bimbo who is a delusional pathological liar and I'm just going to bite my plumpy lips right now and not talk about the douchebag you really are, because my smokin' hot husband is your realtor and he needs to keep me in shoes and you have no pre-nup and he told me he'd give me another baby if I keep my mouth shut, soooo . . . I like your dress. 



Camille: Thank you, but you don't have to get all Machiavellic on me. For the record, I'm an English major. I have an online degree-double major in English and soft core porn. But that was before my husband cheated on me and had an affairrrr. And remember, Kyle, I'm married to Frazier, you're married to our real-a-tor. That means I'm up here. You're eclectic. Like in India. Except the caste system in Beverly Hills is more pernicious. 

Andy Cohen: Camille, you have been labeled the most hated housewife of all time. Some of the words to describe you are sneaky, manipulative, self absorbed, obnoxious, delusional. 

Camille: I am NOT delusional. Everyone is jealous of me because I dance like a stripper and I tongue other people's husbands and press my over inflated breasts against them

And I complain to my mom who is so annoying with her, "Look at me, I've got breast cancer" when I'm all, Um, excuse me mom, but could you just shut up for one second to see that I've got to tell my best friend the house manager to make sure the jacuzzi's heated up before I get to Hawaii. My God, I work so hard, so much harder than the other housewives. And I know, you run casinos and everything Adrienne, but everyone needs to remember that I was sneaky and self absorbed and a total asshole this season because my husband was having an affairrrr. 

Andy Cohen: Camille, a reader wants to know why you had a surrogate for your two children. 

Camille: That's a really good question, a pernicious question. Well, see, my husband Kelsey Grammar, the A-list celebrity, thank you very much because I made him into what he is today because I was a dancer on MTV and also I did some soft core porn and yeah, he had a little run, on a show called Cheers and another show called Frasier, but other than that, he would be nothing without me getting all Machiavelic on him. Anyway, he hasn't touched me in years because he married me when he was totally trashed one night and he woke up the next day and was all, "Dear God, What have I done? I don't have a prenup!" And I was all, "I know, isn't it perniciously amazing!" 

And he's pretty much hated me for trapping him all this time and so, I told him if he was going to get all Machiavelic on me, I'd have to extract his sperm with a court order. Besides, I would never do anything to mess up this body. This sculpted work of art was my golden ticket. Now, I ain't sayin I'm a gold digger, but can you say 50 million, Andy?

Besides I'll need all that money to keep friends in my life and to buy nannies to raise the kids and to buy people who will tell me I'm beautiful and that everyone is jealous of me because I have a Jesus complex and it fills my soul to help people like that. Thank God my husband finally had the affairrrr. What the hell took so long? Now, I can dump the kids with the nannies, smoke electronic cigarettes with my bat-shit crazy bought friend, Allison Dubois, rub up against all of your husbands and my bought best friend's husband with my water balloon breasts and find another A-list celebrity to glom onto. Anybody know what's going on with Ted Danson these days? I haven't seem him since he took his hairpiece off and made the highlight film of his career, Three Men And A Baby.

Andy Cohen: And that's a wrap because we're keeping the good stuff for next time. So stay tuned for Kim's confession that she is indeed an alcoholic and, of course, certifiably insane and the shocking revelation that Lisa's husband almost grew a pair when he came very close to slapping Speedo Cedric who conned his way into their life and then pulled an Oklahoma on their ass when they forced him to leave. Taylor's lips will, however, still be the size of a bike intertube. 

No download today because I have way too much laundry to do and this housewife doesn't have another second to spend on the real housewives who wouldn't know what to do with a pile of laundry if their life depended on it. 

Not that I do either, but someone's got to pretend they're doing something around this place.

I do have a request though, my critique partner, A.B. Keuser is really close to having 100 followers. She's almost there. When she does reach the big 100, she's going to celebrate by sponsoring a giveaway of her novel, Duty And Death. And you want to be part of this giveaway, trust me. Here's the details right here. So, could you do me the really big favor of going on over there and following her? She's a nice girl with a great blog and an even greater novel she's trying to get published. So, go! I've got to get back to the laundry. 



Joann




35 comments:

twelvedaysold said...

Oh how I wish I watched Real Housewives.

But, since both you and June mentioned it, did that woman really say she only has sex twice a year?

The Zadge said...

If I'm being honest, I love Lisa so bloody much, dahling, that I'm going to spend the rest of the day talking to all the eclectic people in her lovely British accent and not having sex, which unfortunately, is not really an act for me.

From Tracie said...

Last night when you were tweeting about this, I was so sad that I was missing it...but this...THIS....makes up for it. This was Housewives genius.

Kelly said...

I DVR'd last night's season recap even though I don't even watch the show but I think YOUR recap is even better. Bravo! (Get it?)

Deborah said...

Spot on! Your recap is killing me. The best part is your version is so much better!

Eva Gallant said...

I only caught a couple of episodes, but I was familiar enough to laugh all the way thru this post! Great job!

Mrsblogalot said...

Ok, you are right, being that I've never seen this show, I have no idea what this whole post was about but I loved it anyway. Just goes to show that I will read anything you write and adore it no matter what!

The guy in the underwear helped..

(-:

Funny in My Mind said...

Ok, I have not watched the reunion yet but I will.
Kelsey looks uncomfortable in the first pic. Do they really need 2 nannies for each kid? What is all this work she always speaks of that she does? What is left to do??? Kelsey's new gal looks like a younger version of Camille.

Lisa is fabulous. Her husband is a drip (reminds me of Ozzy in that reality show they used to have on) and the dog is silly but I do love me some pink Lisa. She needed to kick out that freeloader sooner.

Taylor is a platypus. I like her though. She just wants to be looooved. Aren't Maltese hypo-allergenic dogs? I am from Oklahoma and I have never beat anyone up.

Kim is a drunk so I cannot be mean to her but how does she support herself? Rich exes?

Adrienne, I adore. She knows when to shut up and I think she is the most down to earth filthy rich person. She reminds me of myself without the surgery. And the money.

I don't like the way Kyle's hubby always stares all the women up and down. Creepy.

The Furry Godmother said...

Argh! My cable cut out halfway through --only on Bravo! I stayed up way too late waiting for the reprise --and fell asleep before the end!

My life is a horrific poo fest. Much like Camille's.

I think I'll go pay somebody to feel sorry for us both.

Amanda said...

Wow, this makes me wish I watched DHW. The Kardashians are already sucking my brain dry though, and I just can't quit them.

Dazee Dreamer said...

its a good thing I don't watch this show, because reading your post about it was so much better.

Leanne said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!YOU ARE PRICELESS and I LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!

Elizabeth said...

OMG LOL .. I watched the reunion show today .. I love your commentary. Do we know why she keeps kissing nick on the mouth and how in the hell his wife is okay with it.

Can't wait for Part 2 ;)

Baby Sister said...

You are hilarious and have made me even happier that I don't watch those shows...if that's even possible. :)

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Wait, you say you're saving the best for the next post? OMG. I CAN'T WAIT.
My elementary school BEST FRIEND was on the RHNY. I couldn't watch.

BTW, could you recap Private Practice? I can't keep up this season.

ProudSister said...

I loved this post. I wasn't even sure that Camille was saying "pernicious" because she was pronouncing it so strangely, like "prenicious". She totally has word of the day toilet paper. And why does she make yummy noises when she kisses her friend's husband on the lips? I would kick her ass and my husband's too (what about the motorcycle ride, just the two of them). Ugh! This recap was more fun that the show for sure.

Kelly said...

"Word of the day toilet paper." Awesome.

purplume said...

You're right it doesn't make much sense to me.
I am impressed with how much you put into this however. XD

Christine Macdonald said...

Fabulous recap of the Muppet Show. xo

Cheeseboy said...

I really have no comment because I have never watched this show. But I showed this post to my wife and she laughed so congrats on that.

Grace said...

I'm sorry, but I love the Atlanta ones better. Phaedra with her husband who "went to jail for a white man's crime" -- can't beat that.

Heather H said...

Love your version of the reunion as much as the reunion itself. Hilarious! The show went FAR too fast IMO. And was it just me...why couldn't Taylor ever *accurately* remember anything she said to Kim???

BTW, crazy Taylor spent $60,000 on her 4 year old's birthday party, not $10,000.

Life in the mom lane said...

This post was awesome! I only watch sporadically but this seemed spot on to me!

Jerry said...

I've never watched the show. I think you confirmed my wise choice.

Judie said...

Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and all the saints!! I am SOOOOO glad I have my Kindle!

O.k., I DID read the entire post, and Yes, I am a teensy bit curious about the show.
xoxo

Tina said...

You are my blogging queen, Joann. Loved this post. I haven't even seen the first part of the reunion yet (though I did finally manage to DVR it last night!) and you were making me laugh. I look at it as my essential guide to Part 1. :) Really can't wait to see it now...and I'm sure you'll have another brilliant post to follow.

Kimberly said...

Oh I love you. I must seek and find this show...good thing we have American pirated satellite...shhhh...we pay for it so don't tell the authorities. Watching the "Real Houswives On The Praries" isn't as juicy as this show.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

This was brilliant! As much as I hate Camille, she has me transfixed each week with her batshit craziness. She is like a dog with a bone, and delusional. Especially that week she HAD to fly in for the Tony Awards because people would have noticed? Really, noticed what?

I loved when Lisa trooped through a vineyard in her Laboutins!

One more thing - cannot take my eyes off Taylor's lips. They are astounding! OK, enough, I need to watch this episode again.

Ms Bibi said...

Not a big fan of Fake Wives, but my sister makes me watch it with her more then I care to admit.

Although I truly enjoyed recap.

Snuggle Wasteland said...

I don't watch these shows but I read semi-respectable mags like People so I know the basics. Somehow I suspect your recap was much more entertaining than the show.

The Empress said...

OK.

Joann Mannix, now with even more career possibilities.

Shall it be novelist?

Music reviewer?

Movie critic?

Or....TV show analyst?

It goes on...fabulously.

Sandy said...

Can I comment on something I didn't read? I am going to anyway. I can't believe you actually watch a show like that! Please tell me your husband does not watch with you. I don't watch much TV, but this...I just didn't know people even watched stuff like this!!

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

I have never watched the show but yet I still found this hilarious. A bit disturbing but a great laugh. Hard to believe there are people like this out there. And with all of their frickin money why can't they get better plastic surgeons? The dark haired one is the only one that looks half real.

So I feel like Sister June just wacked us all with her giant ruler over at the pie. Poor June, I forgot to resize my shot so it's probably ginormous and she just gave up on it. She should have included that in her rules. Size small!

jayayceeblog said...

And that's a wrap because we're keeping the good stuff for next time. *snort!*

Elizabeth said...

OMG, that was awesome. Lisa's my favorite too. and Taylor. I swear to god I've never watched a season of real housewives before in my life but KAARAZY Camielle sucked me in.

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