Friday, February 25, 2011
Setting: A two-stall bathroom at a Chick-Fil-A in a small southern town, one of those scary Deliverance sort of towns that dot the landscape of the Panhandle.
My daughter is in a bathroom stall. The other stall is occupied. A woman is doing her makeup at the counter. One of my other daughters and I are standing in line waiting for the next available.
My daughter from the stall: "Mom? Can you go to the car and get me something?"
Me: "What?"
My daughter from the stall: "A tampon."
Me to the daughter standing next to me: "Go get your sister a tampon."
My daughter next to me: "Why do I always have to be the one to do everything? (For the record, each of my daughters think they are the one most put upon.) I don't want to get anything for her. She was mean to me today."
Because my children can never do anything whatsoever without giving me grief first. They use up more time and energy arguing about it, than actually doing it. Officially, they are the laziest creatures on the planet. A sloth is the Energizer Bunny compared to my daughters.
The woman in the other stall: "I have a tampon you can have."
She comes out of the stall and hands us one. We thank her profusely. She says she's a sorority advisor and she keeps a stash full in her purse.
We thank her again as she leaves.
My daughter standing next to me: "I'm leaving before you can think of anything else for me to do."
She stomps off. I am glad.
The woman at the sink applying makeup: "I had a hysterectomy back in 2000, but I have two beach houses and the teenagers are always coming and going, so I keep both houses stocked with tampons."
Me: "Oh, that's nice."
Me In My Head: "There's not a single fact in that sentence that I wanted to know about and I'm kinda creeped out that you have teenagers coming and going from your beach houses and I'm certainly not going to ask, because then you will continue talking to me. And I just want you to stop talking to me."
I slide into the unoccupied stall, relieved to walk away from hysterectomy and tampon talk with a complete stranger.
So I thought.
Woman At The Sink: (Talking even louder, so I can be sure to hear her.) "My husband refused to buy me tampons."
Me from the stall: "Oh, my husband's a rock star at buying the tampons for his household full of females."
Me in my head: "What the f**ck?"
Woman At The Sink: "And that is why he's my ex-husband."
Me In The Stall: "Ha-Ha."
Me In My Head: "I really hope there's more to it. Do they even accept that in divorce court? Is a refusal to buy tampons considered mental cruelty?"
Woman At The Sink: "My boyfriend, now, he's great. He buys tampons and every month when I need the ole' Monistat, he has no problem buying that, too."
Me In The Stall: (In a very small voice) "That's nice."
Me In My Head: "Really? Really? Is it my hair? Do I have the crazy eyes? Why are all the freaks drawn to me? And why must they tell me everything that lies in their freak little hearts? And what the hell? EVERY MONTH? You need to get yourself to a doctor, Freak. WAIT A MINUTE! Did she use this stall? OMG! Must not touch ANYTHING."
Woman at the sink: "Yes, indeed. That's when you know, you have a good man. A man who'll buy the itch cream without batting an eye is secure in his masculinity is what he is."
Me in the stall: Silence. Because I now realize that engaging in conversation with this person was a bad idea from the get go.
Me in my head: "What the f**ck are you talking about? It's not like anyone would mistake vaginal cream for his masculine insecurity."
And here's where it gets good.
Another woman enters the bathroom, "Kendra, are you almost done? The ferrets are gonna get overheated if we leave them in the car for too long."
Absolute perfection.
I had to write it down, before I forgot the brilliance.
We are up in North Florida now with the family. Getting Through. Talking. Laughing. Crying. Remembering. Drinking Wine. Getting Through.
Thank you all for all your lovely notes. I promise to get back to every one of you. I'll see you next week.
Until then: XXXXXOOOOOOO.
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61 comments:
BWHAHAHAH I call that special ability to draw the weirdos the 'flypaper for freaks' gene. I have it too.. weirdos pets and babies that would be me.
I absolutely love this! hahahaha
I love reading your blog - I always leave with a smile. Best wishes.
You know, even in your grief you are able to come up with the funny.
The best part or the sad part, however you want to look at it is, I can picture this whole scenario playing in my head.
Hope you and the family are doing well.
Ferrets overheat? Who knew.
Well Joanne, nobody writes bathroom escapades like you. Must be those crazy eyes!!!! Snort!
God, I absolutely love Chick-Fil-A.
What?
omg, my stomach hurts from laughing at this one.
what a freakoide. monistat monthly. I've never had that problem. she should have him tested. :)
I'll buy them alone but to cover up why I am REALLY in the store, I have to buy a basket full of stuff I don't need to cover up the fact. I figure each one of those sticks costs me 3 or 4 bucks after expenses! W.C.C.
Wait, she had a hysterectomy. She only needs these tampons in her beach houses for all of the teenagers traipsing through. BUt her new boyfriend buys her tampons every month. WHAT?????
Don't you love it when people are happy to give you something you need but then have to rub it in that they are so super prepared and you are just a mere moron?
I"m sitting here laughing so hard I almost spilled my wine! You do seem to attract the freaks! You just have that friendly face! Traci
Fried ferrets? Is that a specialty in that town?
yikes to the ikes.
It's like you're a creep magnet. Maybe you should disguise your identity on the internet. I'm still reeling because I found out today that June and Marvin Gardens are not their real names. What the?
yes.
I am slow.
I don't think that it is your hair that brings on the crazy, but the fact that you are at a Chick-Fil-A and you are a blogger.
People say nutty things in order to be featured on the Laundry.
Great story.
Now that is one awesome conversation! Why do people insist on going on about the most random stuff sometimes to complete strangers? And seriously, who needs monistat every month. Ewww!
Lesson to be learned: Always get Chick-A-Fil to go, preferably at their drive-thru window.
And yes, the ferrets explained a lot.
Priceless. . . absolutely priceless.
People are weird, that's for sure. But when you got to the part about the ferrets,...that did it for me. Guess there's always a reason for crazy.
Should my mind not even go to that place wondering if the ferrets have anything to do with her monthly itch? Oh, ick!
You do seem to attract the sickos!
Cripes I think the ferrets might have had something to do with the monthly need for the Monistat...
I can hear the banjos now....
Hugs and prayers for you and yours during this difficult time. Travel safe!
Random strangers who tell their life story to me in bathrooms are very creepy. There have been too many of them in my life.
None of my creepy strangers have ferrets waiting for them though (at least, not that I know of)
In other news....I went to school (in the Panhandle) with a girl named Kendra. She was slightly creepy and I can totally imagine her owning ferrets.
Getting through is good. I'm praying for your family and sending you all sorts of nice thoughts.
Hi. Just found your blog. I'm from Florida...not the north part...I may have had a guinea pig or two but no ferrets!
Omg, I hate converstions in bathroom. Just let me pee. And monthly? Perhaps her wonderful boyfriend needs some little meds of his own. Ick.
The panhandle huh? So many freaky little towns to choose from. Been thinking of you. Hang in there.
Ok, that was merely funny until the ferrets. Then I almost peed myself.
Take care Joann...love to you and your family!
My tendency to even talk to a brick walls seems to make me a magnet for crazy too. I was in Savannah Ga. for St. Patrick's day one year and had a woman in the bathroom show me and my best friend her new piercing. Down there. And it had a chain that attached to her belly button ring. As friendly as I am, I'm not interested in seeing genitals. But, I'm too freaking polite to say no if you ask.
At least you were able to know when to stop talking to the itchy ferret girl. Knowing when enough is enough must be a gift.
There is something about the process of gathering as a family for a funeral that leads to some good bonding.
If it makes you feel better, my husband is fascinated with the freak show parade that marches down the street of my life. The crazies love me. One time we were looking at deep freezer chests in Sams Club and this crazy man told me all about how he can fit a whole deer in the chest I was looking at, after he comes home from hunting.
Um....I wish I wasn't the kind of person who looked as though they would accept hearing about the dead stuff you stick into freezers.
The Joann Show would be THE best reality TV show ever to grace the tube.
You lead such an amazingly hysterical life, Joann! How you came into contact with this divorced-ferret-owning-and-now-dating-a-guy-who-will-but-tampons-and-monistat chick is beyond me!
What on the name of ferrets buying tampons for their women happened in there. It's like you walked into trailer park twilight zone.
Still praying for all of you.
Oh this truly is priceless! How many times have I heard "I don't want to get anything for her. She was mean to me today."?
Do they put a sound track in them that activates at a certain age?! It's possible the only reason you got stuck with ferret lady was because I didn't make it to that bathroom, that day. They love me too: )
P.S. I'm sorry to hear about your families loss. You will be in my prayers.
Teenage tampon tirades and over-sharing strangers with itch issues and ferrets. Truth really is stranger than fiction...and often times much more entertaining. That was too funny Joann.
That conversation definitely falls under the TMI category. Good heavens with people and their need to blab every detail. I, unfortunately, attract those weirdos, too and have the same sort of inner dialogue as they go on and on and on blahblahblah about personal shit I decidedly do NOT want to know about them!
Condolences to your family. I have not been on here in a little while. We endured a big emergency of our own over here, so I'm finally getting back to "normal" whatever THAT is!
Take care.
Oh wow - you seriously found some humor in the midst.
Hi Joann...once again you have me laughing my head off...thank you!
first- I'm sorry to hear of your loss....
second.... still wiping my screen after the ferrets comment.... was merely laughing hard prior to that last comment!!!!!! :D
Bless your heart, Joann, for making me burst out into hysterical BWA-HA-HA laughter there. Seriously. Loudly.
You do seem to be sort of a magnet for the crazies, Miss Joann. That is brilliant. Ferrets! MWAHAHAHA!
Enjoy the day!
Erin
this could be a great series: Bathroom Conversations from Deliverance.
xoxo
Peeps is stupid!
Oh this is so damn funny . . .
Eww!! WAY too much information from that creepy lady. I'm still shuddering for you.
And to think, as a youngster I -- for some absurd reason -- thought it would be cool to sneak into a womens restroom. Thank goodness I never followed through with that notion -- I may have been traumatized for life.
I laughed through this entire post. WHAT would possess this woman to share that much information??
I have the "I'm the supportive listener" pathology DOWN.
And people know it.
Strangers will tell me about their horrid, bizarre, random histories and all I can do, when someone tells me that their kids have burned down their second house but it's ok because they've still got the three-legged dog they stole from the neighbors with the meth lab, is say, "Yeah. Kids. Yeah."
Then I pretend to be really engrossed in reading my Safeway receipt.
Maybe I should just run.
Hilarious! And nasty... All at the same time! Overheated ferrets? Can't have that! Even monistat can't fix that problem!
And to think - you still gotta get back home!
I have to admit, I'm laughing as much at your words as the image my brain keeps conjuring of you trying to get out of that stall without touching anything she might have touched.
Could you even EAT the chick-fil-A after that?
I'm slightly nauseous. And itchy. Just a little.
Well, I don't have any tampon in my purse, but I do have sanitary napkins in my bathroom, left over from before I had bladder surgery. If your daughter had asked you for a bra, I'm sure you would have whipped one out of your purse!!!
Get. Out. Of. Town! A man is worth keeping if he's going to treat the itch I tell ya! I am dying laughing here Joann, that is hilarious! The tampon thing, I was right along with both of you, but then when you bring Monistat, and she needs it every month? What is she growing a hops field down there?
Perfectly perfect in every way.
Overheating ferrets? That, right there, is precisely the kind of levity you need on your way to a funeral.
I have a rule: Never, EVER, make eye contact or small talk with people in the bathroom.
It has served me well.
I didn't mind buying tampons when I was married. But I always bought condoms at the same time.
Magnum...
OH oH Oh I am a weirdo magnet too
Let's hide together
that is all
She had a hysterectomy but still has her boyfriend buy tampons? That's just cruel and unusual punishment. My man is mortified by the tampon isle, so of course I always say, really loud, "I'm in the tampon isle!"
But he did buy me tampons that one fateful time. He said he never, ever wanted to do it again, but I know I could break him down if need be.
Funny, funny, funny. Love reading your blog and it never fails to amuse.
Thinking of you as you go through the "struggles" we all have to deal with in life, it's a roller-coaster ride with the high's and low's.
Oh I love me a good case of TMI. Crazy freaks!
I just don't understand why you would need to borrow a tampon from an obvious weirdo...Don't you usually walk around with them falling out of your purse?(referring to one of your other hilarious posts)!
I'm glad you got good blog material in that ladies room- but sorry you had to feel all yucky in the process!
Have a safe trip back home...
Just...wow. Ridiculous. I swear, some women...they just need to be put out of their misery.
This was hilarious, and you have GOT to tell me where this fast food restroom was!! Waldo? Live Oak? Maclenny? Palatka?
The suspense is killing me.
strangers are creepy, talking to them in bathrooms is never a good idea!
Sounds like the gossiper comes full circle. Just a shame you couldn't name those women and even link to their Facebook account so they could read what you wrote about them?
http://laundryhurtsmyfeelings.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-must-explain-my-jacked-up-life.html
I am actually crying I'm laughing so hard! Nothing normal ever happens in public bathrooms when you're traveling. NEVER.
For the record, "Carin", I don't know you nor do I know your FB, your blog, or anything about you. After we all expressed our feelings at the inappropriateness of your comment, the use of your "name" was no longer about you or your comment. It was just a satirical characterization of a person who goes around leaving trolling comments. There was never anything directly leveled at you, since of course, none of us know you, not even your real name. We did not disparage your life or who you are, we just used your bit of meanness, turning it around and using it as humor. We were not maliciously gossiping about you nor would we. The "Carin" thing has never been about you. It was just a mythical being. I wish for you only peace and happiness. I hope you have that in your life.
You do seem to attract some nutjobs! However, life would be so much duller if you didn't!!! Thanks for sharing the freakazoid bathroom story.
I'll forgive you for this - "one of those scary Deliverance sort of towns that dot the landscape of the Panhandle" because I love you, you made me laugh on a day that brought nothing but frustration, and my heart hurts for you and the family.
Ferrets?
Only. You.
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