An Apology, Many Excuses And A Vast Amount Of Whining
Monday, August 15, 2011

First off, let me apologize. 

I've been a negligent social networker lately. 

I've been a terrible blogger, a laggard in both my writing and blog visiting. I've been absent from Facebook and Twitter. I've fallen down when it comes to the social networking scene. And I can only say I'm sorry and give you a semi-plausible explanation.  

I've been a vagabond all summer. Just drifting through the hot, sticky months from one place to another, barely through my front door before I turn around and leave again. 

My dogs now hang their heads in sadness when the suitcase comes out, knowing that I'll be leaving them again. 

And in the precious little time I've had at home, my life has been filled with company and preparing for the new school days and doctor's appointments and just plain, catching up. 

My baby is in the process of getting braces. Last week it was the dreaded, hours-long first appointment where the orthodontist chats with us about the responsibility of braces and the whole process of braces and why we wear them and how they work and bla, bla, bla and after that super fun chat, we watch an outdated video with actors in wickedly bad clothes and big, pouffy perms and then molds are taken and photos and then, just when I'm about to scream, "Can we just put the damn wires on already? This is our 3rd time at the rodeo! We KNOW the whole deal!" 

Finally, just when I'm about to lose my frozen smile and explode on our sweet, little orthodontist, the spacers are put in.

She has a lot of spacers and her tender, still baby cheeks are swollen but I have made it better with an unlimited amount of smoothies and Steak and Shake milkshakes. With extra whipped cream. 

This week, she'll get her braces.

Along with that, I've had my own share of the fun at the doctors. 

I am the original freckle face girl. And not just on my face, every part of my body is dotted with freckles and spots.

My doctor has her work cut out for her when it comes to checking my dot to dot body. 

Two moles on my regular checkup were biopsied and came back to be the bad kind. 

Not the really bad kind as in melanoma. But just the bad kind that can lead to the super bad M kind.

So, moles were removed along with borders around the moles and since my doc took a border the size of a small canyon, there are now stitches. 

On my kneecap. 

Which has led to a ban on working out, since the stitches are on . . .  did I tell you? My kneecap. 

And this has led to one crabby mama because I am seriously addicted to endorphins. And I don't like it when things on my body start to jiggle. 

And things are jiggling these days, like a jello salad. 

With marshmallows.

And now, yesterday, I cracked my implant in half.

No, not that kind of implant. 

I can only imagine how brutal that would be on a ta-ta. 

And for the record, I don't have those kinds of implants. 

These sag bags are all mine. 

I'm talking about one of the implants in my mouth. 

There I was, chewing on an innocuous piece of soft bread, when I heard this sickening crack. 

Me, the girl with Donald Trump kind of money in her mouth. 

Me, the flossing queen of the world. 

Me the girl who never, ever misses a six-month checkup and brushes her teeth so many times a day, it may or may not be a fixation. 

Me, with the crap ass teeth. 

I have no idea what happened. I mean it was bread and not even the day old kind.  

I can't look in my mouth, because that sort of breakage freaks me out. 

But last night, while I was gingerly brushing my teeth on that side, a chunk of tooth, fake tooth, but tooth still the same, came out of my mouth. 

So today, I am like an 80-year-old woman, filling up my day with medical appointments. 

I get my stitches, the ones that are on my kneecap, out this afternoon, along with the results of my biopsy to make sure they got all the bad cells and then I shoot on over to my dentist, so we can place a few more gold bars in my mouth. 

My life is one big train ride of glamour. 

And we've also got a birthday day around these parts this week. 

My Tori girl turns 17. 

And birthdays in our house are a big deal. I've always started my girls' birthdays off by waking them with a crazily decorated Funfetti cake, because there is nothing better than Funfetti cake, topped off with sparkler candles. And then there are presents and celebration and a lovely dinner at the place of their choosing. 

And I haven't even bought the sparkler candles, much less the birthday presents. 

And this is our last, glorious week before school begins. 

So we're trying to do things like swim and watch old movies and sleep until our bodies say it's time to wake up in these last few days of languorous summer. 

And then there's the biggest AND of all. 

I have finished my last final proof of my novel. 

All that's left is a new query to fit my revisions and Off. I. Go. 

Jumping off the scariest cliff of my life. 

I need breathing space to write my query. Uninhibited time and a clear mind and that might not come until next week when, with a sorrowful heart, I watch my girls head off to school, again. 

Another summer that flew by. 

One less year with them here, still nestled around me. 

But next week will bring back the quiet. And I will confess, I am looking forward to those hours between drop off and pick up that are selfishly all mine. 

I just wanted to explain myself and my blank wall of silence. 

I haven't forgotten any of you. 

In fact, I miss you all so much. 

We will be settling down next week. And I promise, I'll give you my Part II story then. 

But until then, please accept my apologies. 

I wish I could give you all a fruit basket as a peace offering. 

Because there's nothing like some fresh pineapple to make you think, "Alright, I can forgive that lazy slut with this kind of sweetness dancing around in my mouth."

But since I don't think I could round up enough pineapple for that kind of huge apology and since I'm terrible at basket wrapping, we'll just have to settle for a great big hug and a kiss from me across these virtual miles and my big, fat, I'M SO SORRY!

Deal? I'll be back next week with downloads and stories. 






Joann




37 comments:

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Deal.

I do not envy your dentist appointment. I fear my crown will be cracking soon. I have been having jaw pain which means I must be clenching again during the night. I want hubby to stay awake so he can tell me if I do this but so far it's been a no go. Must get back to yoga. It really does help relax me all over.

Judie said...

I may have told you that artist Dick Rink and I wrote a little children's book. Dick lives in Holland, and is a fabulous artist and illustrator. Anyway, we did it, and it has been downloaded 1277times so far! Who knew??? You can check it out on my right-hand sidebar.

I am very anxious to hear all about your revisions! I know you don't have time now, but maybe this fall?

xxoxo

twelvedaysold said...

Heyo! We all love you, take your time.

Also, I would like to offer my services with your query. I take a look at Amy's queries all the time and since I don't know anything about your book I would be a fresh pair of eyes. Just to put that out there.

And I'm so sorry about your dental issues. :( But I am glad your hubby is able to provide in the insurance department!

Baby Sister said...

While I LOVE fresh pineapple, I can accept the other offering. Good luck with your teeth, stitches, and last minute partying. :) Have fun!!

Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like you're having quite the time. The the price of gold has been climbing, you mouth probably makes you a multi-millionaire. Maybe you can take some comfort in that.
I'm going to open a can of pineapple and chow down now, pretending it came from that basket you sent! Hugs.

Oh! I almost forgot! Good luck with the novel! I'm sure it will get scoffed up by some publishing house quickly!

Sparkling said...

You can make it up to me by sending me a funfetti chocolate cake, please.

I was rolling when you said you cracked your implant, when it thought it was your boobola. I thought it was a weird choice of words- crack- when they are squishy bags and it would be more like puncture, not crack.

Maybe Florida isbn't the best place for an fair irish gal like you to be living? I'm so much more neurotic than I need to by about that my dermatologist is always like fine, fine, fine and I trust her because she found my mother's big M. And then she tells me funny things like if I want to have no wrinkles lke my mother, I should get fat. Or that thing on my head? It's no worry. It's nothing. It's an age spot. Do I want her to burn it off? An AGE SPOT??? WTF???

From Tracie said...

I'll take a hug and kiss.

Honestly it seems like everyone has been around less as the summer months have dragged on. It makes sense.

Breaking any kind of a tooth is awful..and I can't even imagine stitches on a kneecap. Here's hoping that they get you put together soon!

YAY YAY YAY for the finishing of the novel! It is one step closer to bookstores right now. How awesome is that!?!

Cari said...

You're forgiven...although, I do like me some pineapple. It's summer! You can always blog, you won't always have this precious time with your kids. Enjoy it!

Lots of tooth drama over there, yikes, ouch, eek! Good luck:)

Oh and Yay! on the novel!

The Zadge said...

Congrats on the finished book! I'm sure you probably know about this site, but it's got great info about how to craft the perfect query, which based on my research, seems to be harder than writing the damn book!
http://queryshark.blogspot.com/

Silver Strands said...

You crack me up. You completely crack me up!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

AHHHHH! I missed you so. I'm sad that there's so much medical involvement in your absence. Lame. I'm glad you checked in.
Now where's my pineapple?

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Hope your medical appointments go well!

And take your time, do what you need to do. We'll still be here!

karen said...

1. Cracked Tooth - been there and it DOES freak you out. My tooth that cracked was a real one, but now it's replaced by a pretty gold one. (In the very very back)
2. Orthodontia - been there too. I hate those spacers. They hurt. I used to get my kids KFC mashed potatoes and gravy and a chocolate shake. But smoothies are even better.
3. Moles - got 'em. Hopefully none of them lethal. I keep my eye trained but there's so many I forget which one I watched last. I do not have fair skin, however. Just old skin.
4. Novel - !!! That excites me so much you have no idea. I'm a little new here so I don't know what kind of novel? Is it a surprise? If not, tell me.
5. You are forgiven. Pineapple makes my mouth hurt anyway. Although it's sooo delicious it's almost worth it. See you when things quiet down a bit.

Nicki said...

Your life sounds a bit like mine these days...well, except for the kneecap stitches and broken implants. Same type of issues, different details. My point? Stop the damn apologizing already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you and you will be around when you can be and I will still love you! Take care of YOU! And let me know when I get to read that book!! Wahhhoooooooooooooooooooo! Stay healthy!!!

Kate said...

OK, I will confess that I kind of skimmed the tooth part bc teeth kind of freak me out, anything to do with tooth pain and dentists anyway.

I hope your late summer of crises turns into an early fall of joy after fun after excitement. And GOOD LUCK with the book. I'm so impressed with you and excited for you. :)

Missy@Wonder, Friend said...

No apologies, you hear me? The internet is a fluid - and forgiving - space (those who can't forgive are meanies). You have to do your real life stuff first.

Speaking of real life, you've had a lot of it! Sorry to hear about you teeth and your stitches. I've got the dot-to-dot going, too, and am pretty sure I'll send my dermatologists kids to college.

Congratulations on your book revisions! I'm so excited for you.

Enjoy your last week and we'll see you back here when real life gives you some breathing room.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Yes, your life is one big train ride of glamour...!

Be well, come back and post soon!

Diane LeBleu said...

Best wishes on your novel! Can't wait to get a peek when it is out. Be sure to let us all know!

Shell said...

Oh girl- it's that time of year! I have been absent a lot lately, too.

Just so freaking much to do in these last few days before summer.

I'm glad your moles were not the super bad kind.

Happy birthday to your Tori.

CONGRATS on your book. :)

The Empress said...

I don't think you need to apologize for life.

Or for pursuing your dreams.

Life happens and life is FIRST.

Things should never get out of balance, where blogging comes first.
Also, GREAT article on how The Help was rejected SIXTY times before an agent finally picked it up.

SIXTY TIMES, and 5 years later: let me know if you'd like the link.

It's at MORE magazine..
xo

Mama Insomnia said...

I would buy your book soley based on the fact that your write things like "Because there's nothing like some fresh pineapple to make you think, "Alright, I can forgive that lazy slut with this kind of sweetness dancing around in my mouth."
Also, thinking of a breast implant breaking makes me squirm almost as much as the thought of breaking a tooth. Sorry to hear about all your booboo's. And I'm glad your moles aren't the super bad kind!

My Inner Chick said...

---I never usually read blog posts that are this long. I mean, I'm a busy girl....but for you, I make the exception. For you, I read every word.
--because they are worth savoring & laughing my ass over. Oh, Yeah, babe. xx

MrsJenB said...

Oh honeybunch. Who could fault a person for living their life and pursuing their dreams??? I think it's fantastic and I'm totally rooting for you.

I'm also rooting for your teeth. My dad has the same issues - the man is a flossing MACHINE, I swear, and yet he always has some issue or another.

Shelley said...

I would totally forgive you for some pineapple. Mmmmm.

mdgtjulie said...

It sounds like you're having a rough week. I hope things get better for you soon, and that the tooth isn't major money in your mouth!!!

Ash said...

I'm so sorry for your knee, and your tooth, but most of all, that I suck.

Your final proof. Holy shit.

Boys start school on Monday. I'll double check your query letter. Not that I'm worthy.

Livin' In Duckville said...

We too are on our 3rd rodeo at the Orthodontist... one piece of advice that I didn't know about until half way through #2, was to have them take Alieve or some other 12 hr brand of OTC pain relif. It helped so much.

Sorry to hear about your 'implant'...ugh...

Happy to hear about your novel. Way to go!

We'll be here waiting... no rush, enjoy your special moments while you can...

I'd be a little more poetic, but am typing one handed... holding our newest family member (all 2.9 lbs of him) http://livininduckville.blogspot.com/

You'll catch us up soon....

injaynesworld said...

I completely understand. injaynesworld is on sabbatical at the moment, as well, due to an abundance of IRL obligations. Life happens...

Rae said...

I have missed you, too, but I have been away also. Not every day- but enough to lose my handful of followers. :( Too busy with the garden and yard work and other not-fun things. I am hoping to return in September- fresh and ready to bore the socks off anyone who dares click on me! Hope all is well at the doctor and dentist...
Do you know they make frozen Funfetti pancakes?

Lady Jennie said...

Aw girl - we're still here. Just settle in and take it easy. :-)

Julie said...

Oh good lord, the QUERY PROCESS! Hooray and holy shit and what?

I forgot all about the tooth and the moles and the sweet-sweet pineapple and the non-existent breast implants when I read that part.

And now this is me wishing your daughter a happy funfetti birthday and you a productive back-to-school advent...

I haven't written a page of fiction all summer. Not one page. And STILL I was largely in absentia on Twitter and facebook and the blog.

So what's my excuse?

Oh yes. I'm now busy rooting for you.

Go, lady.
You go.

(awesome.)

Cheryl said...

I kinda wanted a fruit basket.

SO proud of you. So very, very proud.

And happy birthday! I now think I will wake my daughter up just that way on her birthday! Because she'll be six, and that's pretty fantastic.

xo

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

You're forgiven.

But a pineapple wouldn't have hurt.

Mommie Dearest Strikes Again said...

Congratulations on the booK!!

My husband just had a root canal and a temporary crown put in last week...he gets the permanent crown next week. He has not been a happy camper with all the dentist appointments. And I've been the same way this summer - not very good about keeping up with all my bloggy friends at all. My son started school on Tuesday and my daughter starts next week...hopefully once we've established a routine (which I am NOT happy about), I'll get a bit more organized.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

So happy you are down to the final wire on the book! (I'd like an autographed copy...) And good you see you pop into Twitter too, I'll be thinking of you when I eat a burrito for breakfast followed by a blueberry muffin!

By Word of Mouth Musings said...

ok, seriously, we need to plan a dinner somewhere in the middle, because this girl crush i have on you - totally needs to meet you ;)

Tony Van Helsing said...

My wife cracked her front tooth on an olive stone the other day.

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