Thank You Jesus For Spanx And Ryan Gosling
Friday, February 24, 2012

I'm still running to catch up to my life these days. Today, I'm headed up to see my daughter at college for her sorority mother/daughter weekend. Then I'm vrooming back home as fast as our clogged interstate will allow to attend The Saw Doctors concert with our very best friends, Tim and Michelle. I also have company coming. (Springtime in Florida!) On top of that, I've got more querying to do which will just add to my ever-present writer angst and the subsequent feeling that I will vomit in my mouth as soon as I hit the send key.

And then of course, there's the laundry. The wicked, despicable laundry. 

Since I don't want to leave you hanging with an undignified post of me dancing on a bar and in honor of Lent— (It's probably a little blasphemous to mix God and bar dancing together. Forgive me, Lord.)—I'm going to replay a post about the blessings in my life. Please enjoy this commercial free rerun. 

I'll skip the part about being thankful for my family, friends, health, happiness and of course, Bono. Everyone's thankful for those magnificent blessings. Instead, I'd like to share with you some of the good things most people don't even think about. 

Here is my list of thankfulness, in no certain order: 

☺The Chilean Miners— that out of the blackness of despair, 33 men arose into the light, into a second chance at life. Across the world, we collectively held our breaths, united in hope as we watched a miracle unfold before our very eyes. And in these days filled with dismal news, our lives all grew a little brighter in the sweet truth that miracles do indeed happen. 

I'm getting a T-shirt made that says, "I ♥ The Chilean Miners, Even The Cheater."

I'm also grateful that this will give Eric Estrada his richly deserved comeback when the movie comes out. I miss his toothy smile and glossy hair.

☺Hostess Ho Hos. I'm pretty sure the ingredients on the back of the package are listed exactly like this, "A bunch of chemicals you don't even want to know about." 

You can get four boxes for something like 99¢, since clearly chemicals are a lot cheaper than real ingredients. And even though everything about them is so very wrong, they are ridiculous in their deliciousness. Thank you velvety rolls of lard for making me happy and for coming in packages of two.

☺I am incredibly grateful for this look from my childhood. 

Because really? Isn't everything after this fashion "No", just a great big step up? I feel like a fashionista when I take a look at this picture and realize how far I've come, even when I'm in my jammies, which may or may not be most of the time.

☺Synchronized line dances at weddings. I love to dance. I'm talking, I am out on the dance floor through every single tune during the reception. That is, until it comes time for The Electric Slide and the Macarena and all of those other, "Let's all act like extras in the Thriller video" dances. I hate them because even though I'm a dancing machine, I didn't say I was good at dancing. I am an uncoordinated boob and I look even more boobish when I'm not going freestyle, à la Elaine on Seinfeld. So that is why I am thankful for these songs because it gives me a chance to cool down and refresh myself with a little healthy pomegranate juice . . . mixed with vodka, of course. 

☺Which brings me to my next little blessing—I was pumping gas the other day when I noticed my gas station has installed TVs above the gas pumps! Here's another tedious moment in my life that technology has filled. Thank you technology. 

And they were running all these interesting little tidbits across the bottom of the screen. There was a tidbit about some shoe designer who was making one-of-a-kind goatskin shoes for the Chilean miners. And I was all, "Hurray for those super cool miners! Now they'll have stylin' shoes to go along with their faboosh sunglasses." 

And then I thought, Gosh, I sure wish had a pair of goatskin shoes because I can only imagine goatskin shoes must be FAB-U-LOOOUUS. 

And for all you goat huggers out there, I could care less about goats giving their lives for shoes. 

Shoes are beautiful. Goats are assholes. 

Take it from me. I once had a goat in a petting zoo eat the entire strap of my favorite purse. I wish I'd made a pair of shoes out of him. 

And I also learned something very practical while watching the gas station TV. If a bandaid is stuck to one's skin and guaranteed to cause a painful, "YEEOOW" when being pulled off, just soak the area in vodka and the bandaid will slide right off. 

Another reason to be thankful for vodka and, of course, TVs in gas stations. 

☺The man whose running schedule intersects with my school route every morning. His really thick shock of hair and his preference for running shirtless, thereby displaying his nicely sculpted pecs, are as yummy as my morning cup of coffee. And I haven't even mentioned his cut-just-right running shorts. Good Morning Running Man! Thank you! 

☺I am very grateful for this cherished memento. This is the wold I came into:
See, I have three older brothers and three younger sisters. I was the first girl to enter this household of constant black eyes, toy guns and baseball bats. My brothers were my first experience with terrorists.

And this moment, just embodies my childhood. My one brother is chasing balloons, which I'm certain after they popped, he either stuffed them up his nose or fed them to the baby or both. My other brother is batting a balloon with a hockey stick, that's right, a hockey stick, right above the baby's pumpkin head. My mother, I'm guessing, is looking for an escape hatch in the ceiling to fly, far, far away from her chaotic life. 

And the baby, well, I think that just sums up the whole situation. A baby with a gun in his mouth. I'm thankful we all survived. 

☺The song, "Sweet Home Alabama" because that, Mister, is one kick-ass song. And because when that song comes on the radio, I have no choice but to roll down my windows, crank it UP and sing at the top of my lungs, even if my children are slinking down in their seats, mortified. Actually, any reason to embarrass my children is a reason to be grateful. And because I grew up in the South, that song was our anthem. 

Even though for many years, I thought the song went, "In Birmingham, they love the gumbo." Which is nowhere near the real verse of "In Birmingham they love the governor." 

Clearly, I was not up on my anthem's political message. 

☺I am thankful for Pam, my senior citizen Walmart greeter. 

Pam has hair the color of which I have never seen in my life, it's kind of a fluorescent red mixed with a pumpkin orange sheen. She also likes to draw her eyebrows on, obviously with a very shaky hand and her lips, which are etched in a permanent sneer, are painted clown red. 

Pam has definitely picked the wrong profession. Pam is better suited for a job that fits her sneering disposition, something like a women's prison guard or even better, a clerk at the DMV. 

Pam takes it as a personal affront when I try to replace my dysfunctional cart with its three working wheels, with a cart that, you know, works. And since 90% of the carts at Walmart have polio of the wheels, I am often coming back for one that doesn't bump-bump-bump throughout the store. 

Pam does not like this one bit. 

And lets me know this through her lipstick stained sneers, heavy sighs and the way she points at me and says mysteriously, "THAT ONE!"  No idea what "that one" means. 

And there was even one time when she tried to block me from getting a cart. She stood there, trying to look super threatening with her osteoporosis hunch, blocking the carts with her liver-spotted, crossed arms like she was Betty White's bodyguard. 

But I am not one to be intimidated, at least not by 70-year-old women. I just said, "Pam, this is America! And in America I have the right to pick any cart I want! Now get out of my way!"

Well, I really didn't say "get out of my way", because maybe I did feel a little intimidated by her liver spots. But she did move. 

And so I'm thankful for America and for Pam because without her, I'd have nothing to tell my Hubby when he says, "So, what did you do today?"

☺Profanity. Because like Rainman, I am an excellent driver. But I would not be an excellent driver without my wealthy supply of profanity. 

☺Mark Ruffalo. 

Quite often, I thank the Lord Above for Mark and his hot manliness. I also thank the Lord for Google Images because anytime at all I can just type in Mark Ruffalo and wham, that beautiful man is staring at me with his gorgeous dark eyes and perfect lips. Just look at those lips! *Sigh* Thank you Lord for Mark Ruffalo and of course, Google. 

No offense to Bono. Bono always comes first. 

☺I'm also thankful for Neil Diamond because it proves my theory that there are certain people with hypnotic powers. What else would explain a hairy man in Sansabelt pants building a massive superstar 30-year career out of songs like, "Heartlight" and "Love On The Rocks?" The same goes for Rihanna and Miley Cyrus. How did they even get recording contracts? I think it's a mixture of hypnotic powers and a deal with the devil, at least in Miley Cyrus's case. Do not mess with the daughter of an achy breaky heart. 

Now, if I could just channel some of those hypnotic powers for a J.K. Rowling kind of book deal. 

☺Hysterectomies—specifically mine. Hysterectomies are little party favors from the medical community. It's like the docs are saying, "Thanks for stopping by and making some of our house payments with those three kids you brought into the world. Now here's what we're going to do for you—we're going to take out your tired womb." God bless the gynecologists who have provided this jingly, joyful service to women all over the world. 

☺And lastly, I am thankful for our dear, precious Monsignor at our church, God rest his departed old soul. I'm pretty sure he was Moses's next door neighbor and he might just have hand delivered Mose's original stone commandments to our church. But that's not why I am so grateful for him and his memory. 
 
I'm grateful because when my youngest girl went to weekly confession with her class, she was assigned to Monsignor. And for those of you not familiar with the Catholic faith, we no longer have those confessionals where you slide open the window so the priest can't tell who he's talking to. No. You're now in the same room, face to face. Because it wasn't hard enough to confess our sins out loud to a dude in a gown. Now you have to do it face to freaking face. We Catholics love the power of guilt. 

So my sweet little girl is kneeling there and she starts out with her, "Bless me Father for I have sinned . . ." She proceeds onto her sins when suddenly she hears a ringing. 

And then, THEN! Monsignor holds up one finger for her to stop confessing her little, "I called my sister a poopy butt." 

He fishes a cell phone out of his vestments and says to my girl, "Hang on. I've got to take this call."

And that is why I'm grateful to our awesome Monsignor because, that sir, is the best story of all times. 

I am grateful for these blessings and so many other things I haven't mentioned like: Baby Ruth flavored coffee creamer, Jimmy Fallon, the Ritz Carlton, blow dryers, more cowbell, Mumford and Sons, Spanx, satellite radio, Betty White, Pirate Booty, Nicki Minaj's "Super Bass," platinum blond hair dye, the fashion comeback of leggings, my vitamin B12 shots, The Star Spangled Banner, Ryan Gosling and his perfect manliness, Tweezerman tweezers, my iPhone camera, Sephora, Johnny Depp, the use of wine and my iPod on a very high volume to combat the fact that my daughters all have PMS at the same time, Modern Family, seeing Bono and the boys four times in concert this past tour, San Francisco, Reese's Pieces, Costco, Retin A, and Hammer Time. 

May you be filled with rich bountiful blessings of your own during this Lenten season and for the rest of your days. 

No download today, since my iPod is still missing. I'm really hoping it's not in one of The Moron Twin's digestive tracks. I keep pressing my ear to their furry stomachs, hoping, but not hoping, to hear Bono singing from their intestines, but so far only dog food gurglings. 
Joann




27 comments:

laura@imnotatrophywife.com said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning. Daughter at college? My daughter is a senior in highschool and moving out of state to a Jesuit college. Any posts on suggestions for the drive back home without her (sniff. sniff).

xo, laura@imnotatrophywife.com

Sparkling said...

I still love this post. And that picture of your brothers makes me almost wet myself every time because it's just so absurd.

Cupcake Murphy said...

Erik Estrada makes me nervous.

TesoriTrovati said...

That list never gets old to me. I think think that picture of you in the fashionable head dress (a la Bob Mackie ;-) and that one of you with the gun in your mouth is precious. I am thankful for all those same things. Fancy that! And I am most thankful when I get to read something you wrote. It always, always puts a smile on my face and makes my day feel a bit lighter (Put that in your query and email it!)

Enjoy the day!
Erin

The Zadge said...

Just reading the words "Ryan Gosling" makes my day.

Christine Macdonald said...

And I am thankful for YOU! And Blogworld for bringing so many of us fabulous people together.

Wine is up there as well. And cake.

Not a Perfect Mom said...

as soon as I saw the title of the post I knew I'd love it..
oh Spanx...how I love thee...

and that confession story? classic!

Heather said...

I couldn't read any more after that pic of your brothers. It killed me. Reminds me a lot of my life....I can identify with all perspectives.
Thanks!

Galit Breen said...

I love your thankfuls, am dying at the "baby with a gun in the mouth" - genius line, really.

Suniverse said...

I'm thankful for you.
XO

Livin' In Duckville said...

The pic of you & your brothers is the one that led me to you in the first place. Saw it on some linked blog or I was on a blog & it linked to you... I don't know, can't remember anymore. Besides who cares. You're one of my very-favoritest-in-the-whole-wide-world!!!

You make me laugh & cry & think & Thank God.

You're the best!

Gigi said...

I must not have been around for the original posting - but oh my hell! Am I glad you re-posted. Too funny.

They never should have gotten rid of the confessionals. I bet their numbers have slipped quite a bit now that we actually have to look at the priest.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

TVs at the gas pumps? Holy crap that is brilliant!

Fun post, full of heart, really enjoyed reading it!

Sweaty said...

Hee hee... that childhood pic of your rocked! You guys were a riot, even as babies! I'd definitely include that pic for my kid's 'My Family' poster presentation if I had one ;)

And what was that 'thang' on your head you're wearing with your swimsuit? I have never seen anything like it before! Honest to God! That's some specimen worth investigating, right there!

Lastly, next time you see the Running Man, can you ask if he's single? I need a date. Badly. lol

xo

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Always a delight to see that picture of you again. I was always so distracted by that, that, thing on your head that I never really noticed the fashionable suit you had on. Is it a one piece or a two piece? It looks hooked together by a big button.

Also too, say goodbye to Pam. I hear they are getting rid of the greeter positions. No more smiley stickers for you.I hope a prison guard position opens up for her.

And do you think it was God on that call the Monsignor had to take?

ProudSister said...

This is one of my past faves. I love that instead of taking the hockey stick or gun away from the small children, someone snapped a photo. Have fun doing jello shots at the sorority house!

My Inner Chick said...

OOOO, I sooo appreciate you & your stories.

...like my sister is a poopy pants
...Neil Diamond, Ryan, Vodka.
...And of course, Eric Estrada.

btw, did you notice now when you Google Bono, Chasidy Bono comes up.

WTF? Xxx

Kelly said...

"Baby with the Gun" cracks me up every. single. time.

Along with that stylin' swim cap.

mdgtjulie said...

Wow, you obviously have a lot to be thankful for, and have said so loud and clear. I admire that!

Lori @ In Pursuit of It All said...

There's Baby Ruth flavored coffee creamer????

Kimberly said...

I feel like I need to start a bonfire and have friends and family gather round while I read your tales...with pictures of hideous head pieces.
I love you.
Really.
A.
Lot.

Judie said...

Well, here's what I'm thankful for--I'm thankful that you didn't sue me for stealing that bathing cap photo and putting it in my "Kids" post. I hope you were able to find it amid my other posts! I am also thankful for many of the things your are thankful for as well--namely vodka. I'm heading over to my best friend's house for Girls' Game Night in a few minutes, and she will have my drink ready when I walk through the door. We're having fondue first, and then "let the games begin!" I'll let you know how it turned out!!

xoxo

Honey said...

Picture of baby with the toy gun in mouth-priceless! Thanks for the laugh, that's just so hysterically NOT politically correct.

Mom vs. the boys said...

did I miss the picture of Ryan I was looking for? lol okay the baby with the gun in it's mouth totally makes up for it!

francerants said...

Oh I haven't been here in a long time, I am so sorry. Thank you for your list, especially the Monsignor part (which I especially appreciated being a Catholic and an Italian).

You will be happy to know I have (for the love of baby Jesus)finally started my novel. Would love to hear from you too. Drop me an email with the details on your author journey!

Julie said...

No way did you mention J.K. Rowling in your re-post...

I didn't even know that when I tossed her out in mine from Monday.

It's like we're karmic sisters or something.

Especially since I'm pretty sure I owned that same bathing suit and swim cap...

And I stopped wearing anything that can't be worn to sleep in AND go to Target. I don't have pajama-jeans, I have a pajama-wardrobe.

It helps me feel relaxed while I'm watching TV at the gas station.

Bottom line: I love you, lady. You make me happier than Mark Ruffalo's lips.

(Smooch.)

Baby Sister said...

I'm still jealous of you having TVs at your gas station. Not fair!!

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