What To Do With A Duggar
Thursday, January 28, 2010

I turned on my boob tube last night for a little end-of-the-evening entertainment. 

Before I could even fluff up my pillow for optimal viewing, I was hit with the WORST, I mean, the WORST commercial ever. It was for Pace Picante Sauce and there was this dude dunking his chips into the salsa bottle and chomping away. Gross enough that he was dipping into the jar, but his unsanitary imbibing wasn't even the most skin-crawling part. The whole freakin commercial focused on the sound of this guy smacking and slurping and crunching. No music. Nothing. Just this guy eating like a rabid cow. 

Smacking and chewing loudly are akin to nails on a chalkboard for me. Smacking in my household is a capital offense. Unfortunately, my Hubby is a smacker and it has caused me to almost divorce him and/or murder him at times.

I wanted to leap into the tv screen, jump on that pig dude, wrap my hands around his neck and violently squeeze until every crunched up chip came spewing back out and as he gasped for breath, fragments of chips littering his pig t-shirt, I wanted to hiss, "DON"T YOU EVERRRR EAT LIKE A SLURPY, SMACKY PIG, AGAIN! And for God's sake Man, get a freakin bowl, Pig-Ass!" Then I would have slapped him over and over again. I guarantee he'd never smack again, no matter how much Pace was paying him. 

I really, really hate smacking.

What advertiser reached into the depths of their imagination and said, "You know what would be really great? A commercial where a man is just sitting there, disgustingly eating straight from the jar of salsa and the only sound you hear is his slurpy skin-crawling masticating. Yeah, that would certainly set America consumers on fire!"

I'm going to boycott Pace salsa now. Not that I ever bought it. But, still...

So, as I was clicking around in search of something, I happened upon America's Next Top Model. It was one I'd seen about 450 times, so I changed the channel. But, I have to fess up, before I go on with my Lord, I Was Born A Ramblin' Man story here: I find Jay Manuel so freakin sexy-hot!

And I know, I know. For those of you who follow American's Next Top Model,  you're thinking, "Uh, you do realize?"

And yes, I realize that not only is Jay openly gay, but flamboyantly gay. I mean, Duh, he's made a living as a makeup artist and fashion guy. But, there is just something about him that makes me all a-flutter. Hot man flutter.

Pretty weird, since my type is more macho, grungy, bad boy. Hellooo, Johnny Depp and Gerard Butler.

Jay dyes his hair, white-blonde and tweezes and pencils in his eyebrows, but my goodness, I just can't explain it. Hot Man flutter.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out there. Back to my story.

Finding nothing on the tv, I went to the On Demand stations which are as wonderful an invention as Satellite Radio. 

I'd already seen all the Dog The Bounty Hunters listed, so Dog and Beth's ongoing big-hair love story while hunting down criminals was out. 

I was excited to see my new favorite show was now on the On Demand. It's called "I Survived" and let me tell you, it is RIVETING. It's this show where people recount their true harrowing, escaping-death-by-the-skin-of-their-teeth experiences. There's no reenactments or anything, just the people sitting there, telling their stories and I know that sounds boring, but trust me when I say, you will not be able to move from your chair as they relive their near-death moments. It's always 3 different people and just when somebody's story gets good they flip to the next person and go back and forth through the whole show recounting everyone's gruesome tales. 

The last one I saw had a woman who was mauled by a mountain lion, a hotel clerk who was attacked by an insane dude lurking around the hotel lobby and a man who survived a brutal home invasion where his entire family was killed by his daughter's ex-boyfriend. You just can't make this sort of fantastic shit up! Word of warning: If you're a woman and your husband is out of town, do not watch the show because there is ALWAYS a home invasion. 

I made all the kids and the dogs sleep with me the last time I watched it. Cause, I guess I wanted to make it more convenient for the home invader?

Unfortunately, I'd seen all the the shows listed, so I gave up and went back to regular tv. 

I flipped through a couple of channels when suddenly I was face to face with my nemesis.

What is it now, 34 Kids and Counting?

I started to click past it until I scanned the description about Josh and Anna welcoming their new baby and I figured a little righteous indignation right before bedtime was just the ticket. 

For those of you not in the know, Josh is the first spawn of the neolithic JimBob and Michelle Duggar who believe that reproducing like rabbits is their Christlike duty. 

Josh, evidently, has been schooled well. His young bride got pregnant the second they said their "I do's". 

Not surprising in the least. 

If you witnessed their excruciatingly awkward "courtship" you would understand this lightning fast conception. Their archaic values kept them from anything more intimate than hand-holding during their engagement. These poor kids have never had the teenaged thrill of making out in a back seat or getting a hickey or rounding some bases. The sort of things that conjure up fabulous memories in my book. A few times over. Ok, so a few is being conservative. Shut Up, Sisters of mine. Those days are just a dull haze, so I can't say for sure.

But, these young adults weren't even allowed to KISS until after they were married. 

You can imagine their pent-up frustration. And to the television audience's pain, they took it all out on their hands right in front of their viewing audience. It was cringeworthy. They heavy petted each other's hands through the whole engagement. I felt like I was watching porn for hands. Seriously.

So, I'm sure as soon as Josh had the green light, there were millions more than the usual millions of sperm, screaming in their best William Wallace imitation, "FREEDOM! FREEDOM!"

And Boom! There she was, knocked up. 

Like creepy father, like son.

With only 10 minutes left of the show when I tuned in, it was apparent that little Anna was in heavy labor, pacing like a cat as Josh followed her around like a helpless puppy.

How bout those dog and cat similes there?

At one point, Anna disappeared into the bathroom and Josh started KNOCKING ON THE DOOR AND ASKING HER WHAT SHE WAS DOING?

Come on! I don't care how subservient I might have been fooled into being in my young life, I would have been: "Get the F*#@k away from the door, Dipshit and take the camera crew with you! I've got the runs because I'm about to have a baby, you ass! So, don't freakin be a douche and ask me what I'm doing!!!"

That's what I would have said.

She was just all sweet, discreetly saying she'd be out in a minute. 

Well, thennnn, she comes out and tells him it's time to call the doctor because her contractions are 5 minutes apart. The next thing you know, Josh is announcing to the camera that they've found out their doctor is out of town and Anna isn't that comfortable with any of the other partners in the practice, so they've decided to have the baby AT HOME!

Just like that. 

Now, I don't care if I wasn't "comfortable" with the other doctors. I'd ask, "Have they delivered enough babies that they won't leave anything important in there, like a limb?" And "Do they have a direct line to the epidural man?"

And if the answer was yes on all parts, especially the drugs, I'd be like, "Let's do this!"

Now, Josh and Anna had a Doula, but a Doula according to Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge, is there for non-MEDICAL and non-MIDWIFERY support. Doula's ain't trained to ease a stuck baby out of a tight little orifice without ripping the hell out of a first-time Momma. A Doula ain't got no drugs.

Josh was going to deliver the baby. 

I was as riveted as if I'd been listening to a home invasion story. This doofus 19-year-old used car salesman with his creepy dad's hairstyle, was going to birth his wife's first baby. 

How wackadoodle are these people? I could not believe my ears!

When I was pregnant with the Odawg, my Hubby read and reread the emergency birth section in my What To Expect When Expecting Book. He was hoping we'd get stuck in traffic or a snow storm or something so he'd get to have another Macgyver experience, where he could tell everyone, "And then when she was stuck, I forceped her head with the toilet plunger and tied the cord with dental floss— the waxed kind."

But, since we live in Florida, the chance of getting stuck in a snowstorm was pretty rare. And besides, I wasn't about to let it get that close. I wanted to be near the drugs. 

So, the Doula shows up to give her EMOTIONAL support. Screw the crap out of that! And, of course, Michelle Duggar, who is at another "We're freaks and we're training our children up to be as redunkulous as we are," convention, flies in for the birth with her mullet hair and Amish denim dress.

She brought Jamabamamalama with her or whatever the oldest J girl's name is. I'm sure, you know, to inspire that 16-year-old to find herself a husband this year, one that she'll only hand-groove until the wedding night where she will then start to attain her goal of having more offspring than her momma. Who knows, maybe they could be pregnant at the same time. That would sure be cozy. 

And honestly, with as much contempt as I hold for that backwards-ass mother, when she walked in their house with her raggedy-ass mullet, I was all, "Whew! Michelle is here. If anything goes wrong with little Anna, she's the one you want watchin' your back, since she's popped out a couple dozen." 

So, Anna keeps going from the bed to the bathtub while in active labor. Josh informs the tv screen, she likes the bathtub best. Which is weird because she's in the empty bathtub. I'm all a-yelling at the screen, "Fill the bathtub up with warm water, fools! Everything feels better in a hot bath."

At some point through this show, my shock turned into admiration for this little Duggar wife. 

That's right. I said admiration. 

It was so amazing to watch this sweet, soft-spoken girl summon up all her womanly power. Her quiet strength, the one that resides in the heart of every woman, only visible to the rest of the world at the most trying times, was so palpable, I wanted to reach through the screen and hug her as she labored on. She looked at her Doula, wild-eyed in her pain, almost animalistic as she panted and endured some of the most insufferable pain known to the human race. She birthed a child right there in her bed with such quiet, queenly grace, with stupid Josh helping her, but not really. 

Not really at all. 

This is women's work at its most primal. A mother and child together in the most pivotal moments of each other's lives. 

As their baby came into the world, Josh yammered, Michelle cheered in her tiny baby voice, Jammabammalamma silently wished it were her fulfilling God's sole purpose in life for women and Anna- strong and regal- new mother Anna, rejoiced in her quiet way as their 8 pound baby girl made her way into the world. 

Another Duggar to ridicule.

I might hate the Duggars, but man, do I admire that little Anna. She's my new hero. I heard she was quoted as saying she might want just 2 or 3 kids. The entire Duggar clan gasps. 

Anna, enjoy that sweet little baby and your stupid-haired husband and keep on, keepin' on with your bad self. If your husband ever tries to tell you your role is to be the submissive one, whatever the hell that is, just give him a knee to his caveman parts and tell him: "I labored without the benefit of any drugs. I saved you a fortune in medical expenses. I gave birth to an 8 pound baby in our bed. I am Superwoman, Punk Ass, so fetch me a cocktail, paint my toes scarlet and watch the baby while I go and get me a life."

And then, give me a call. I'll show you what do with a Duggar. 

Today's Download: I've been waiting for the right place for this one. "Blindsided" by Bon Iver. Gosh, I love, love, love Bon Iver. And this song is so quietly beautiful exactly like Anna Duggar, New Mother Extraordinaire. It makes me think of sweet things, like good dreams and soft rain and barefoot weddings and of course, now, Anna Duggar. Oh, this song!

"For the agony I'd rather know, cause blinded I am blindsided." *Big sigh* For Anna, the only Duggar I love. 


Shelley said...

Joann, I think I love you. Can I tell you that we feel exactly the same way about the Duggars, you and I? Having three daughters myself, and wanting them to grow up to be strong, independent women, I am also horrified at the cooking, cleaning, baby-machines that Michelle is preparing them to be.

I was also watching that episode where Anna gave birth, and I don't remember what her Jim-Bob clone husband said, but I remember saying to my husband, "I swear to God I would smack that guy into next week if he said that when I was in labor."

I actually wrote a post about them a while back. I had to dig for it, but I thought you might enjoy it. :)


ProudSister said...

I don't remember anything you said after the picture of Gerard Butler...
I'm raising my girls to be strong, independent, epidural-accepting women. I couldn't get past 5cm without one. I am in awe of women that can endure that intense pain. I'll have to check out the episode, it would be amazing to find a Duggar that doesn't make me want to throw things at the TV.

Mrs. Ohtobe said...

I popped over from June's and OMG - this was too snort-laffin funny! What twerks me most about the Duggars is the media attention they get and how everyone just fawns all over them - like that is what we should all stive to be like. No thanks. *shivers* I hope that doesn't make me less of a Christian! LOL

Anonymous said...

I love it! Those Duggars. I can't stop watching them. I feel the same way about Josh. Ugh he makes me gag. I never thought of Michelle's hair as a mullet but you are so right. Crack up. As usual.

LisaPie said...

Joann, LisaPie here visiting from Bye Bye Pie as well. Sadly, The Duggars come up in conversations I have with my sister all. the. freaking. time. We love to talk about those Duggars! One night my sister dreamed that SHE was also a Duggar. So we had to go on and on about what we call the "Duggar Do". Which I think it weird as batshit that those girls want the same hair as their mother. Did you ever in your long-legged life want the same hair as your mother? "Betty Lou, please dye my hair old-lady blue and then put in a poodle perm". I am guessing those words have never passed your lips? Mine, neither.

Interestingly enough, I also watched that episode because it was the Duggars and I had heard ahead of time that Anna would have a home birth. And believe it or don't, but I am a birth doula. That is what I do. And I am here to tell you that it is totally AGAINST our code of ethics to attend an unassisted birth. If I were presented with that exact scenario I would be on the phone dialing 911 as quick as can be. Don't get me wrong, I love home births. But I love safe births that have all sorts of back-up plans in case of catastrophe. There should have been a licensed midwife there.

And now old Jim-Bob Josh Jr. is going to think he can birth all their babes. I wish Anna all the luck in the world. She might be needing some of it.

p.s. Nice blog, by the by!

xoA said...

Today's blog suggested I read this one....OMG. That little dude in the computer making suggestions is a geneius. That was hilarious. I was literally LOL-ing (I hate "LOL", but in this case it is necessary).
Thank you for the LOL :)

MommaKiss said...

I promise i'm not stalking, but saw you link this on someone's duggar-ish (sister wives?) post and had to click over.

What to do with a duggar, seriously...what. to. do.

Tracy said...

Not sure where I found the link to your blog to but I'm glad I did...this was hilarious and sadly too true. I pity those kids...especially the ones somewhere in the middle.
Your blog is going on my favorites list!

Tasha@ The Whole Mom said...

So, I am successfully avoiding my mocking laundry pile by reading all of your fave posts. This is my new favorite blog.

Why am I making my first comment on a year old post about the Duggars?

Okay, well, I may have 7 kids and they might all start with J. But I promise that none of them is named Jambalya, although we did consider Jezebel, just to be ironic, you know? Since we love Jesus and all that.

I do homeschool and I have had a baby at home in my room. But it was only once and it was only because we lost our medical insurance and I did have a midwife. And my baby was 10lbs, with a humongous head, which makes me even more awesome for doing it at home....right?

I do not have a mullet. I have asked my children to shoot me if I ever, and I mean ever, wear a jumper.

I love Ryan Gosling and all his Goslingness, cursing, converse, good music, and Sons of Anarchy, thus cutting off any Duggarish connection for all eternity.

And now I am done begging for your acceptance.

Seriously, you are an amazingly talented and hilarious writer. I am super glad I found you!

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