The Superficial Beliefs I Live My Life By— Updated
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Everyone has a doctrine of truths they call their own. Things they live by, deep-seated beliefs they hold dear to their heart.

I know I do. I was thinking about some of them the other day and of course whenever I feel the need
to share my secrets, I think of you, you World Wide Web.

So for today, My Truths:

I believe that Caesar Millan is Doctor Doolittle in disguise. Have you SEEN how all dogs respond to him? I'm pretty sure even Kujo would lie at his feet whining submissively. I'm thinking those clucking sounds of Caesar's, those chh-chh, snap-to-it noises, are really the secret universal code to all dogs that Ceasar is their God. What I would give to have Caesar come to my house for an intervention, because that's what we need about now— not obedience lessons— a freakin' full-on intervention.

I believe that the "singer" Kesha is an abomination. This chick has a top 20 song called "Blah,
Blah, Blah". Seriously, that's what it's called. I won't even dignify this site with the lyrics, lyrics
that make Miley Cyrus's songs sound like Bob Dylan anthems. Truly some of the most awful shit
I've ever heard.  She was on American Idol last week and her singing abilities are as painful as the equivalent of pouring battery acid in my eardrums.

And speaking of The Obnoxious One, I believe that Miley Cyrus as a mentor on American Idol is 
like having Madonna teach acting class. Why?

I believe I may never see my hipbones again. 

I believe children are born without the ability to roll up the bag of open cereal, close the box of 
crackers, wrap up the loaf of bread or put the cap back on the milk. They seem to suddenly acquire 
this ability when they become the ones responsible for purchasing the said food products. 

I believe there should be a Senior Citizen Mingle at Costco every week—an hour where the store is 
only open to the oldsters, where they can dine on free samples and clog up all the aisles as they hover like vultures over the lady who is cooking the self-rising pizzas in her toaster oven, crowding that 
little food station in their quest for FREE PIZZA! FREE PIZZA! BY GOLLY! That way, I will not have to wade around traffic jams of blue-haired folks noshing cafeteria style on the free samples 
because they have NOTHING else to do with their day. I DO have other things to do with my day, 
too many of them and therefore I find this Costco phenomenon highly annoying. Every night I get on 
my knees and pray, "Dear God, please do not allow me to become a Costco Senior Citizen vulture, please."

I believe that Funfetti cake batter should be drunk like good wine. 

And speaking of wine, I believe that the drinking of Charles Krug Reserve Generations Wine might 
just be considered a sin. It's that decadent. Might want to hold that confessional door open, Padre.

And speaking of wine again, I believe that Healdsburg, California, a little town nestled in the midst 
of the wine country would be the perfect place to live . . . sooner than later.

I believe that I should be able to text my teen during school to say, "Where are my new brown wrap-around, to-die-for, heels? I know you wore them last night, so give it up—NOW, PUNK! And 
you're grounded for life if there is even a semblance of a scratch on them." 
Because, that sir, is an emergency. 

I believe that Oprah should never retire. Not that I watch her. I'd like to. I just forget. I forget about 
TV a lot. I just want to maximize my chances of hooking up with Bono and she's like BFF's with 
him. It's why I write letters begging her, complaining to her about my dismal world. She does nice 
things for people whose burdens are too heavy. I've told her, my dogs are crapping everywhere, my laundry defeats me on a daily basis, my kids are non-bread-wrapping Dung Beetles and my husband smacks entirely too much when he eats. But, unfortunately, she has not seen the plight of my ways . . . yet. I just need time, Oprah! Please, I'm begging you! DON'T RETIRE! I haven't worn you down yet.

Here is yet, another Face In The Hole creation made by my darling friend Mary. And for the record, I do not have boobs like that nor once again, do I have half a head. I have an entire head, just not on Face In The Hole.

I believe that Modern Family and Glee just might make me a TV watcher again.

I believe that tormenting one's children is not a right, but an obligation. Take for instance the time we were picking the Odawg up from high school. She was a freshman, so it was very, very important what the other trying-to-be-cool teens thought of her. That's why Julia hung a naked Barbie out the window as we pulled up to a teeming mass of straight-legged-jeaned kids and yelled, "Oliviaaaaa, your new Barbie came today!!"Oh, that was a good, belly-laughing kind of day. Not for Olivia, of course, but that's what makes it even sweeter.

I believe I'm sad Kanye West had to show his ass on national television and dump on sweet Taylor Swift. It was a different thing altogether when he was on live telethons spouting off, "George Bush hates black people." Then, he was just a lovable ass. I miss his dumb ass and his music.

I believe the demise of the band Toad and The Wet Sprocket was due to their putrid name. I believe Hoobastank will suffer the same fate. 

I believe my family will never say the word Fragile in its proper pronunciation again. I believe we will always say it like this:

Oh, I think that says "fragile," honey. sound bite

I believe Kate Gosselin will never understand how much the world hates her. I believe she needs to go back to her jacked-up spiked what-the-hell-is-that do', her Chico clothes, her tyrannical mothering where she harped on her kids and maligned the boys and made them sit on their potty seats for hours until they made a doody while she let the cameras film their humiliation for national TV and molded Maddie into a little asshole exactly in her image. Be gone Harpie, out of our sight. The world has had all they can take of your shrieky 15 minutes. 

I believe that any woman who wears leggings as pants should be shown their reflection in a funhouse mirror. They should have their eyelids taped open and be forced to stare at their own crotch for days. A tortuous reminder of what they have exposed the rest of us to, because NO ONE WANTS TO SEE CROTCH. Get that through your head, Rihanna! They then need to be tied up and beaten to death by Stacey and Clinton with Louboutin stilettos.

I believe that Michael Buble's songwriters must reside in a nursing home.

I believe that it pains me physically to shop in Walmart. Between the sullen, fluorescent-red-haired Walmart greeting lady to the corral of broken-down carts that limp along, every last one of them, no matter how many times you make your kids go back and get another one, they're each and every one of them freakin' BROKEN,  to the shoppers whose cart driving abilities are demonstrative of their challenged IQ's to the cashiers who must get paid commission for the hours they can keep you there at their register as they scan your items in sloooowwww-motion—I leave there, close to stroke-out level every time.

I believe that if someone has more than 10 bumper stickers on their car that do not involve multiple children's honor rolls, they should probably not be operating a vehicle, but instead should be occupying a room in the nearest mental health facility, either that or shopping at Walmart.

I believe that Michael Vick should have been stripped naked, slathered in raw meat blood, tied to a post and left in the vengeful presence of the pit bulls he so brutally tortured.

I believe that I will never camp. Ever.

I believe that one of the finest moments in TV history was the final scene of Newhart when Bob wakes up in bed next to his wife Emily from his first TV series, declaring that he'd had this strange dream which of course, was his whole second series. Confusing and not worth explaining to those who don't know it. Pure genius to those who understand.  

I believe that I am hysterical over the fact that my middle girl said to me as we drove down the road yesterday, "I'm just one of those people you can see as a celebrity."

I believe that I'm tickled pink that my girls are confident in their beauty, their charm, their power, their talents. Yeah, I did that and nothing makes me more content. 

I believe that men cannot multi-task. Don't believe me? Give a man a baby to care for and watch how everything else slip into the abyss of neglect. 

I believe by the time our children are adults, talking will be obsolete. All communication will be done through texting and tweeting. 

I believe Joan Didion's "The Year Of Magical Thinking" is a book of such resonating splendor and poignancy that I will never, ever forget what lies in those pages and how deeply it impacted me and stripped me raw. A book of astounding heartbreak and discovery, it leads you down the path of grief Joan walked after losing her husband and only child both unexpectedly, in the same year. One of the best reads of my life. 

I believe that Sara Blakely, inventor of Spanx should have a monument in her honor with the inscription, "In dedication to Sarah who made 40-something women all over the world break free from their wardrobe of peasant blouses and shapeless shifts. And for that, the female race bows down to you." 

I believe that Johnny Depp is the best actor of our time and as an added bonus, he gives me premature hot flashes every time his swarthy, hot man self appears on the screen. And I just might attempt to make out with the movie screen one of these days, when he's up there doing that stellar acting of his.

I believe that the human race would be a happier one if we all had cruiser bicycles with tinkly bells and  wicker baskets stuffed with wildflowers and we all spared an hour of our day every day to just ride, ride like we did as kids without a care in the world, the weight of life lifted as we abandoned ourselves to the carefree. I also believe that the blowing of bubbles would also have the same effect.

I am Joann and I hold these truths to be self-evident. Got any of your own?

Today's Doo Ittt Download: I believe that under my alternative and punk and rock n roll girl exterior, I think the most beautiful song of all time is Henry Mancini's version of  "Moon River". Hands down. Extraordinary. It is silk against your skin. It is a wish for days gone by. It is the splendor of a blue-skied summer day. The simple verses and the wistful melody, the doleful harmonica and gorgeous violin,  Just. Utter. Perfection.

Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after that same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

POSTSCRIPT: It was pointed out to me that this post was entirely too long. And it was. It probably still is. I have eliminated some of my beliefs from this post, but that doesn't mean they are gone from my heart. Grilled cheese and tomato soup ALWAYS make things a little better. 

I also wanted to clarify something I wrote about the book, "The Year Of Magical Thinking". Joan Didion's daughter died shortly AFTER the book was written. Throughout the book her daughter suffers through pneumonia, septic shock which then renders her into a coma. She fights a losing battle of illness throughout the book. Joan's story details her grief of the sudden loss of her husband and the shock, sorrow and worry she goes through with this unexpected critical illness of her daughter that eventually leads to her death. I was attempting to explain my love for the book while trying to remain brief. I guess those kind of freakish, awful events in one person's life can never be explained in a sentence. Thanks for the clarification, Reader. 



Dee said...

THAT WAS AWESOME!!!! Though I must admit, I pictured Larry The Cable Guy saying, "I believe...." ha

The only one I can think of at the moment....

I believe the males of the human race are missing a gene which causes them to be unable to replace an empty toilet paper holder with a fresh roll.

LisaPie said...

Ditto. Ditto to damn near all of that!

I love Cesar Millan.
I agree completely on Michael Vick and Kate the Shrew. Maybe they should be forced to live together? Maybe that should be Michael Vick's punishment? He has to live with her and her brood. And she thought Jon was bad, wait till M.V. moves in! Just wait till she tries to berate him on national t.v. for not using a freaking coupon when shopping!

I love Johnny Depp. But for me the greatest actor of our time is Robert Downey Jr. His Chaplin was probably the greatest portrayal of a real life person ever done. Johnny Depp may be a close second.

May I recommend one of our favorite little boutique vineyards from Chile? Viu Manent Cabernet is one of the best wines. When we were moving from Chile we took about 10 cases with us. Any more than that and you have to get an importer's license.

I believe that we are here on earth to say goodbye to all we love. Eventually, we say goodbye to our loved ones, our friends, our well-loved and well-worn possessions, the spring blooms, our aging pets. I believe we need to be conscious of the idea that each encounter may be the last. Live in the moment and cherish it.

I believe that our children will never understand the depth and power of our love for them, until they have their own children.

Sorry to have rambled and highjacked your blog! I believe I will try for some brevity!

Ducky said...

HOly cow you believe a lot of things.

So many that by the time I got to the bottom I totally forgot what I was thinking at the top. WOWSERS!

Loved it all though, really :O)

lauren said...

to answer your question - i think that deserves it's own blog post. however, i will go down on record as saying Johnny D is fab and should have totally won the Oscar for the first time he played Jack Sparrow. Oh, and Kate? Please please please someone send her home.

lauren said...

hmm..wouldn't let me post the first time...let me try again.

I think your question is means for it's own blog post, however, i will go on record saying that johnny d is fab and totally deserved winning the oscar the first time he played jack sparrow.

and someone please send kate home.

Joann Mannix said...

I think we all need to petition for Kate to go away and never, never come back.

Absolutely right, Lisa Pie, Robert Downey, Jr., extraordinary and sweet eye candy, too!

Anonymous said...

HOW do you come up with this stuff???

I absolutely believe the same thing that you do about Myley Cyrus on American Idol. Are you kidding me???

Jen said...

Oh there are so many things to talk about over here today.

We say Fragile that way too.

If you are looking for great TV try The Parenthood (not sure if the word The is in the title but if not it should be, it's that good). Peter Kruse ( I can't spell his name but I can pronounce it now) and the woman from that other show that I always meant to watch but never could for one reason or another... what is that show? Her character was Lorelie, or maybe that was the kid. Oh, c'mon, someone help me here. Whatever, she plays my life on the show and she does it so much better than me.

I loved your comment on my blog today.

Jen said...

Parenthood is on on Tuesdays. Which makes no sense since I was sure it was on Thursdays however tonight is Wednesday so I was wrong anyway.

I forgot to mention Newhart. That was one of the all time best endings to a show ever.

Anonymous said...

OMG I so agree with over 90% of your beliefs.

Thanks for the giggles today!

Suburban Correspondent said...

Joann, sweetie - that was a week's worth of posts. Pace yourself!

I thought Joan Didion's daughter didn't die in that book. Am I remembering incorrectly, or are you?

Joann Mannix said...


I tend to get up in the middle of the night and write from a dead sleep. You're right. Far too long. I'll cut it. And it's not that I'm remembering incorrectly, trust me, that book sits on my bedside table. I know it back and forth. Quintana dies after the book ends, but for sake of brevity, which obviously I don't do well, I didn't say she was alive and died very shortly after the book was written. I should have. Thanks for the correction. I'll correct it tomorrow, since, once again, it is the middle of the night and I need to get a little shuteye.

Anonymous said...

Joann, I enjoy what you write so much I wish it would never end.

Newhart was the best ending ever.

I am proud to say I loved Johnny Depp on 21 Jump Street and I just taped his version of Charlie and the Choc. Factory basically for me, not for the 10 yr old.

Fragile!!!!! Did you know you can buy that lamp online through a catalog comapny? I am getting it for my folks for Christmas - they will love it!

I was dressed like Randy by the way. K-6 and I had scarves like his wrapped all around me!

Leggings. Will we ever learn? Noone can wear them.

My daughter's teacher is cool and already thinks I am nuts, but one day I almost emailed her to ask Emily why she didn't clean her room. WOuldn't that be brilliant?

Walmart. I can count on one hand how many times I have been there. Everyone and everything there looks dirty and angry. On that thought, I should go there more often, I will look pretty good compared...

A happy walmart employee - that is an oxymoron.

Dawn in D.C. said...

I believe, too. All of it.

Joann Mannix said...

Dawn: Woman. I'm going to be so sad when the beautiful Egypt pics are over. I'm living your gorgeous vacation vicariously.

Laura: I'm telling you, we come from the same kind of fun. Of COURSE you dressed up like Randy. And we're always threatening to buy somebody the lamp. We haven't done it yet, though.

Tortuga: Thanks! I thought of you the other day, when my hubby was getting on my last nerve and I closed my eyes and vowed to love him better. It worked!

Jen: Everybody's telling me about Parenthood. I'll have to check it out. Although, that would be a total of 4 shows I now watch on TV. Wouldn't that make me, gasp, a TV watcher? And by the way, one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read on your little girl today.

Mrs. B: You are the schizz and your kindnesses make my day and your blog makes me laugh and my gosh, thanks for the MOOG!

Noelle: I come from a very, very long line of warped people, that's how my brain works. Hope your hair is OK and Congratulations again. May you live a happy and blessed life with your husband.

Lauren: I know, right? Was he not brilliant in that first Pirate? I walked out of that movie theater just astounded and of course, frothing at the mouth. I'm sure I'll be talking to you today over at Juney's. She hasn't posted yet, so I hope that doesn't mean...Oh well, we'll get her through.

Daffy: You girl, are as funny as all get out. I go to your blog just to get my laugh on.

LisaPie: you know I think we were sisters in another life, right? My sister called me and said she cried at your comment. So beautiful. You need to write that to Juney.

Dee: My girl. I'm glad you found me. I love what you're doing and keep it up. Don't listen to the evil because as my sister says, there will always be the haters. All of your blogs are magnificent. all of them. You are my blogger forever friend.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh my gosh! This was great! I can't tell you how many times I was nodding in agreement while reading this post! (I was also laughing all the way, so now I am pretty worn out.)

Loved it!

I believe you should write more of these!

Joann Mannix said...

Thanks Betty. When I come up with a new wackadoodle list, I'll post em. And you need to keep on posting the poetry.

Kim said...

Somehow, somewhere, someway you got into my head and pulled every one of my thoughts out. Especially Johnny Depp. That man could wear anything, or nothing, and there would go my marriage. I even droop over the long hair, gold teeth and drugg addled walk in Pirates. Even better was his Irish accent in Chocolat. Yummo! Seriously, I could go on all day on Johnny but my company pays me to work not fanticize how he will leave his wife for me and we will live on our own island and wear next to nothing and I will do naughty things to him all day long.

It is hot in here?

ps: I LOATHE Wal-Mart and all the creatures that inhabit it.

Joann Mannix said...

Kim: Thank you. And Johnny Hotness? I almost can't watch his movies! I get so overcome by his hotness. I honestly don't think there's a sexier man on this planet. (Sorry Bono, don't listen to this. I still love you the best.) My sisters and I always say there's a difference between handsome and sexy. And sometimes, men are not necessarily both, but Johnny, *lustful sigh*, he is everyfreakinthing and more.

Ally said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your rants! Ha ha the crotch thing had me dying!

What's with the bumper stickers? I hate Walmart too, I'm a Target girl, but I must confess Target is a good 20 minutes away and Walmart is actually walking distance from us :( UGH!!! Why oh why not a Target?

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Ally said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your rants! Ha ha the crotch thing had me dying!

What's with the bumper stickers? I hate Walmart too, I'm a Target girl, but I must confess Target is a good 20 minutes away and Walmart is actually walking distance from us :( UGH!!! Why oh why not a Target?

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Danae Hudson said...

I believe that any woman who wears leggings as pants should be shown their reflection in a funhouse mirror.

OH MY GOODNESS YES!!! I saw a woman's butt cheeks once and I was wondering...why do people not wear pants anymore?!

Stopping by from SITS

ProudSister said...

I'm sorry you cut the list. I have two small kids, no time to read, and love every minute I spent laughing & reading this post. Hilarious!

Here is one of my beliefs: I find it completely condescending when someone that isn't at least 25 years older than me calls me "sweetie", "dear", or "hon".

Lisa said...

Wow! I'm late reading this apparently and by the time I got to the end of the list I forgot what I was going to say about the first part, and now after reading ALL THESE COMMENTS I've forgotten what I was going to say about the end!!!

Here's what I DO remember:

1. I must read that book! This has been a difficult year for us. Lots of death and sadness, starting with two friends of my children's who were killed by their father in November...the abduction and murder of a little girl in our town...and now a high school friend's little two year old daughter died. I definitely need something to help me get perspective!
2. Johnny Depp is fabulous. Amazing. Awesome. Etc.
3. Grilled Cheese (toasted cheesie??) and tomato soup is God's gift to us when we need comfort.
4. Oh, don't even get me started on kids unable to close cereal boxes and so forth and so on! Aaarrgh!!
5. OK, that's actually all I remember....but I remember that you made me laugh, and I NEEDED that today!

Hulk (Musical Wonderboy) said...

I believe Eddie Money is AWESOME!

I believe you don't KNOW good music!


Can I still pop in?

Hulk (Musical Wonderboy) said...

I believe Eddie Money is AWESOME!

I believe you don't KNOW good music!


Can I still pop in?

Lula Lola said...

There was once a pregnant woman in the ob-gyn's office with really tight leggings that said, "Juicy" on the butt.
I believe words on the butt should be outlawed. Even if you have a cute teenage butt. Though, when my butt was teenaged, I'd probably have disagreed.

And I agree with your feelings on Wal Mart. It's a trip to Hopelessness, USA. Horrible! I always leave needing hand sanitizer and anti depressants!

Lula Lola said...

And I forgot, one other thing that I forgot to add, my "hoarding" father had every IPTAY(Clemson Athletic scholarship club) bumper sticker on his car from the last decade. He'd get a new car and load it down with old IPTAY stickers. AWFUL!

Anonymous said...

Not too long. I was interested from the top to the bottom.

Attention span anyone?

xoA said...

First off...You are the reason I live. Seriously. Phucking don't mind if I say phucking do you?

Second....I talk shit to people at Costco. I say, "Really?" as their cart block the isle. I also am not shy to proclaim "It's okay, we are all waiting on you!" to some one who stops the flow of 51,000 people to get their obese ass a bit of a sodium filled, deep fried packet of processed _____. Coscto is the devil and while I love it, I hate it all the same.

Third...thanks for the SoCo shout out! Stop by my MIL dress shop in when you are in Healdsburg. It is called Xtravagance.

Lastly, I bow to you on Kate Gosslin. My goal in life is to not be her.

Smiles - A

Anonymous said...

I have been waiting all day to respond to this post! Awesome, hilarious...all that stuff. Thanks. Incidentally, we seem to share so many of the same beliefs. Johny Depp? Yeah. In fact, if Oprah did invite you on the show to finally meet either Bono OR Johnny Depp....which one would it be? Bono? Cause I could come help out and you could tell Oprah, "Oh, what the hell,have them both on and I'll bring a blogger for Johnny." God we are so deep.

Joann Mannix said...

Chicken: We are so deep, so very deep. I would certainly scooch over for you on Oprah's couch and if Bono was there, I'd let you have all of Johnny. And I'll be running over to your blog soon. I need me some Chicken.

Andrea: Gurl! I hope you get this bc seriously.seriously.we were meant to be together. AND I have been in your mother-in-law's shop! I can not believe this! I bought a gift for my mom there. I probably talked to her. Oh we are going to have to get together on my next pilgrimage to your land of milk and honey.

Joanna: I'm coming over. I've got a story for you in a second.

LL: I got this text from my sister yesterday that simply said: 2 words. MATERNITY LEGGINGS! She said she encountered this woman in a short top and leggings, looking about 7 months. She said it was vile.

Beth:Love. Only love.

Lisa: I am so very sorry. I'll be over shortly.

Mrs. D:Attn everyone, this woman is shaving her head to raise money for cancer. Seriously. She says it's just hair. If you have a chance, visit her blog and give her some love. Shaving her head.

Anonymous said...

That was a funny post...but everyone else already said it all.

Joann Mannix said...


I haven't been around today to check my comments. No, Eddie Money is NOT good music and I will stick to that no matter how much you twist my arm. There is still great 80's music, not just Eddie Money's. And YES you can still pop by. The beer's chillin.

Anonymous said...

Hi Joann. Um. I passed on to you the Beautiful Blogger award becauese. I think you are beautiful. Truth. I'm sure you know what to do, my blog, rules, etc.:-)

xoA said...

Of course I came back to read your comment on my comment and now I am leaving a comment....I zuper lovez the interwebs. Plus what else do I have to do? Work? Rear children? Have another glass of chard? Hell, all those things can wait...checking comments on comments always takes priority!

A meet up is now a prerequisite to me continuing to comment. Clearly we were meant to be. Clearly.

Anonymous said...

So I am washing my face last night before bed and I remembered I forgot 2 things to comment on - hey it was important!


And, oh yes, camping is a hotel without room service.

Although, one year we were so stressed and poor right before our wedding that I asked Tyler if we could just go away to a.....


My only requirement was that it had a toilet!

The best time ever. It was pristine and 10 yards away from lake superior and it had a toilet. You couldn't sit on it straight though.

It is my favorite memory. No TV or cell - pure bliss.

I still prefer a resort with 3 golf courses, 5 pools and 8 restaurants, though. I like options :-)

Terraplane said...

With respects to Norm from Cheers: Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have a drink.

Right wit ya on the be-yotch who did the bad impersonation of a singer on Idol. And she gets paid to do that?

Living It, Loving It said...

These are great. I also want to Kate to go away and never come back. Maybe she can focus on raising her children instead of making them a spectacle for the rest of the country. Those kids are going to all need therapy when they grow up.

Maria @BOREDmommy said...


Every day reader said...

I loved reading your beliefs.

I have to tell you that in my family it is never five o'clock. It is always five o'clunk.

(thanks to Bob Newhart)

JennyMac said... it. And you set the bar pretty high misses with TEN bumper stickers. How about more than 1? LOL.

And what is the world is funfetti cake batter?

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