I'd Be A Twit Of A Twitterer Updated
Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I have always tried to keep up with the trends.

And when I say that, I don't mean I'm wearing ridiculously tight straight-legged jeans, shredded at the knees with oversized shoulder pads that make me look like a quarterback.

I already lived the 80's. And except for those super-cute Wayfarer sunglasses with the gems all bedazzled down the sides, I don't care to revisit any of my fashion trends from those days. 

 No, I'm talking current, as in keeping up with life. 

I try to stay up on things, so that when I'm older I will not be laughed at by my children.

Oh, who am I kidding. They laugh at me already. 

But I'm just saying. 

I don't want to be that elderly person who asked me recently to help them search the vast Internet for something. I tried valiantly for far too long, hours of my life I will never get back, to teach them how to Google. 

After I'd left, I received a phone call from them telling me the Google had left their computer. 

Elvis has left the building.

I wish I was kidding . . . Hours, man. 

Anywhoo, so I try to stay as current as possible. 

I blog. I text. I'm the iPod queen in this house, making playlists for the world. I could start a business with my iPod know-how. Want music on your iPod, but are too intimidated by technology to attempt it? I'm your girl. 

I know who B.o.B and Bruno Mars are. And I'm excited over the silky, sweet, legitimate sound Bruno is bringing to pop music. Sorely needed in that genre. I also know who Justin Bieber is . . . unfortunately. 

And I know that Popping, besides being an acne hobby, is also a type of dance. I know this because I have a little white girl who is an amazing Popper. (I'm not sure if Popper is the right vernacular, but I am too lazy, busy teaching people how to Google, to look it up.) 

And since my Hubby is a Mac Freak, I got an iPad the first day it came on the market. And I love it. It is sick. (Sick is also a current type of slang meaning the schizz or super-cool, words I am more inclined to use when not trying to prove how current I am.)

I'll give you all the 411 on the iPad later. For now, I was talking about how super-up on things I am. 

Although . . . there was that one time a few years ago, that my girls will never let me forget. 

We were in the car listening to something awful. I don't know if you'd call this stuff coming out of my radio a song, but the "singer" mentioned something about a shortie. 

And so I said to my girls, "Who is this Shortie? And why does everyone sing about them? They must be pretty popular!"

Oh, how my girls loved my shawty igorance! They spread the news far and wide that I was such a loser, I didn't know that shawty not shortie was urban slang for a girl. 

I felt bad after I learned that one. 

I wouldn't have snorted and given that movie attendant a dirty look the time I stepped up to the counter to order popcorn and he said "Hey Shawty, can I help you?"

I considered saying, "Yes, Fatty, I'll take some popcorn and Raisinets." 

Short people have feelings, too. 

But, I refrained, using my snippy attitude to express my displeasure instead. 

Oh, and for the record, always eat popcorn with Raisinets dumped in the bag. The combo of salty and sweet enhances your movie viewing pleasure. You are welcome for that fine tip.

I digress, (a usual thing). 

But, as current as I am, there is one trend I've stayed away from. 

I'm not a Twitterer. 

I don't even know if I'm saying that correctly. Maybe, Tweeter? Who knows. 

I've stayed away for one reason only. 

My time. 

I have enough things that have taken over my life, mainly puppies and Blogland and I'm afraid if I jumped onto the Twitter wagon, my life would become nonexistent. I'd be the Unibomber—all disheveled, living in a shed in the wilderness, never changing out of my jammies, my life lost to social networking as I hunch over my computer screen and phone, only grunting at those who love me. 

My family already rolls their eyes and looks at each other knowingly when I talk about my blog friends. I can see it in their glances. "Oh, here she goes again. Talking about her imaginary friends."

I can't do it to them. 

I have a lot of requests from people who want me to Twitter, so that we can tweet together or whatever it is Twitter people do. But for now, (Never say never. I never thought I would pull an Add-A-Bead necklace out of a dog's rear-end, so . . . ), for now, sorry, I just can't be your Twitter friend. 

But for today, I'd like to demonstrate how fun I would be on Twitter. Because, just like my real life, I'm the girl you want around to kick things up a notch. I don't have a problem dancing on the table. Ever.

For your Twitter pleasure, I give you some of my Tweets if I were a Twitterer:

"I wish my name was Ruby. A Ruby wears red lipstick to bed & has an outrageous laugh & never apologizes for her scandaliciousness. Yeah I could fill a Ruby's shoes."

"I spotted a woman reading her child a story while she was barreling down the interstate. Bad parenting or good? At least, she was reading."

"Something I wish I'd never heard while in the feminine product aisle of Walmart, 'Daddy don't like the KY Intense. Just git the regular one.'" 

"My Hubby walks so loudly. He stomps like a Nazi soldier. His footsteps are angry bursts of staccato galumphs. It makes me want to stab him."

"Just saw a high school couple holding hands in matching pink t's and madras shorts. That now, is a girl with all the power."

"I hate the word creamy. Also, not a fan of the word crotch. Put them together and I might just have an epileptic seizure."

"Currently the proud owner of 1,000 grocery recycling bags. I never remember to bring them in & it's easier to spend a few bucks than walk my ass out to the car."

"Was a dachshund a planned thing? Or did the Oscar Mayer Wiener get drunk one night at a Hound Frat party? I'm just sayin'"

"I think Chad of Nickelback & Miley Cyrus should get married. They could spend eternity making the worst music known to man."

"I don't care if I'm destroying the environment. I LIKE throwing my towels on the bathroom hotel floor. It makes me feel like my kids do, every single day."

"Brad Pitt, the beard thatch you got going on? Just a tip. It's never a good thing to model your look after ZZ Top."

"I've given up on bathing suits. I'm more into the burqa beach look these days."

"Why do young people have to look so . . . young and non-fat. I hate that about them."

"French fries coated in truffle salt & parmesan cheese & dipped in balsamic vinegar ketchup are as pleasing as a hot fudge sundae, if not more."

"Still waiting breathlessly for the Publisher's Clearing House dude to show up at my door with the big check. How many magazines does one have to buy?"

"Dog gas is horrific. Dog gas times three makes me weep at the decline my life has taken."

"As I grow older,  I'm thinking that the personal choice of elastic waistbands might just be more fashion forward than I ever gave it credit for."

"How long does it take to recover from a complete body lift? My high school reunion is in three months.  Enough time?"

"I'm all for fashioning a career from your passions. I just wonder, though: Who ever dreams of growing up to become a proctologist?"

So, in reflection, perhaps the Twitter world is better off without me. I certainly wouldn't help boost Twitter as a reputable social networking site. 

If you want to catch me, I'm always here and on Facebook and every once and awhile in the real world. 

Today's Definite Download: Nothing to do with the post today. Just the song that I am eating up on my iPod right now, playing it over and over. Pearl Jam's, "Just Breathe."

There is one thing I know without a doubt. If Eddie Vedder and I had gone to high school together, I would have pursued him doggedly until I claimed him for my boyfriend. He was my kind of guy. That gruff bad boy exterior with a poet's soul was everything I looked for in a man. He would have played his guitar and poured out his anger and angst in his songs, while I sat at his knee drinking Boone's Farm out of a paper bag, and breathing in his jagged and tender heart. 

When I think about all the boys I brought home with their hoop earrings and shaggy hair, I give my dad some big props for his restraint. Kisses to the sky, Dad, for holding your tongue when the bad boys came knocking at your door for your daughter.

I'm sure the Hubby's arsenal would be on display getting highly polished if that was ever the case in this house.

But this song, oh my goodness, this song is so gorgeous and sweet and countered with Eddie's dark, gravelly voice, it is just sublime perfection. Even if you're not a Pearl Jam fan, download this song and give it a try. And then come back and tell me what you think. You'll want Eddie for your boyfriend, too. I guarantee it. 

(Full disclosure: Bono trumps Eddie and every other rock n roll man, you know, for the record.)

Per request, here is the link to Sweet Eddie singing it live. I won't embed the video because it'll just get yanked. So just click on and let Eddie and his amazing guitar skills take you away.

Just Breathe

Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I’m a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..
Stay with me,..
Let’s just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeh, I don’t wanna hurt, there’s so much in this world
To make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You’re all I see.
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.


Dee said...

LOL You would make an awesome twitterer. I have an account, but seldom use it. Enough is enough!

Unknown said...

As usual...you've made me laugh.

Twitter: I have no idea how to do such things...

iPods: I still say 'help!'

Anything technological whatsoever I have to call my little sister for help. She rolls her eyes on a regular basis!

Rae said...

I am not up on the "cool stuff", either, but one dirty look from the kids and I know not to buy Velcro shoes, magenta-colored stretch pants, or Barbara Streisand CD's.
I am so jealous of your iPod genius! I have a cheap Sansa MP3 and keep listening to the same song over and over!
And the iPad looks like something I'm gonna put on my Xmas list!
As always, you have posted a funny, witty, and excellent piece!

See Heather Blog said...

You are SO my soul sister! I have been loving the Pearl Jam song ever since I heard it! It's even the ringtone on my phone.

Mrs. Ohtobe said...

Vedder *le sigh*

I Twitter. Sort of. Not really. It is all because of that dang Clay Walker I tell ya! They said something on his website once that if you sign up for his tweets at his concerts he will send out a message and if you are the first to respond you get to meet him. Yeah. I fell for it. Went twice to his concerts and never won anything. Of course just looking at him...er...his music is more than enough compensation for me. Uh huh.

But then I had to ignore Clay. That boy sends out flippin' Tweets @ 6 a.m. on a datgum Saturday saying he is going golfing. And then he tweets after midnight and well...who cares! Plus Tobey just wasn't too kind about me getting all these private messages from a Super-Duper-Star like Clay...

The only tweet I would ever be interested in is the one saying he is on the way, in his fancy tour bus, to take me away from the skulldugery that is my life.


Tami Winbush said...

I can't wait to hear about the iPad! :)

Following you from MBC/FFF!


Anonymous said...

I'm a twit. I heard it was "essential" to making it big in blog land. But, here's the deal: I have nothing to say. People follow me for my 3 tweets in 2 months?


I should just hand the phone to Emily and pay her to tweet for me. Maybe I am onto something. I already call her a little twit!

And...wait for it... my mom asked a long time ago for me to show her ON A MAP where the information superhighway was...

Also 6 months ago I never would consider any type of plastic surgery. I will age with grace. Then I got a little fat roll that pokes up from my jeans... lipo anyone?

pieters said...

what on God's green earth do i have to give you to become a twit?...ter?er? cuz laws a mercy you would be too much fun. you KNOW you can tweet from your phone, right? just like, text, man. easy peasy lemon squeezy. and can i also say that you totally had me at "french fries and..." dude. now i'm off to youtube the song and see what i think. cuz my ipod songs are lacking. like cracka lackin. ha. lauren

Gigi said...

I am totally enjoying your blog. So funny and refreshing. I am making a really valiant attempt at Twitter (my second valiant attempt actually, I tried it about two years ago). But how much more time can I possibly devote to my selfish and unproductive hobbies?

The Furry Godmother said...

Hate Kelly Bensimon. Hate. But "Life is fashion"? Maybe "Life is shoes." Oh right, "Life are shoes." Whatever...

I know when songs refer to 'shorties in the house" they are NEVER referring to me. I am six feet tall. My mother is 5'2". She claims that I was 5'4" at birth. She is still mad at me for it.

Two more things. Catulence out smells dogulence every time.

And I'm sending you my iPod to musicate. Look for it.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, must give props to your man (Bono). Haha! Your tweets look like mine would... if I tweeted. I have an account, I have friended people, but I just don't tweet. I don't know, I just don't. Maybe if I had a cell phone that could do it, but even then probably not.

LisaPie said...

I am sooooo with you on the salty/sweet thing! But my candy mix-in for the popcorn is Milk-duds. I like the crunchy/chewy combo as well.

Pearl Jam!! Loving it.

Sorry, but I still like Nickelback. I know. I am in the minority.

The Hummer douche comment is the best thing ever! Can we also make them wear Crocs? : )

Gladys said...

I'm here from BBP and let me just say you had me at dog gas. I sit here in my RV which currently reeks of said offal. I am cooped up with 3 dogs hiding from the RV park police. We are only allowed 2 dogs but we have 3. Yes I am a criminal of the worst kind; but if this eruptions of neuclear gastric explosions don't stop I will be forced to give up the dogs just like Pierre LaPadite gave up the jews in Inglorious Bastards.

Gladys said...

I'm here from BBP and let me just say you had me at dog gas. I sit here in my RV which currently reeks of said offal. I am cooped up with 3 dogs hiding from the RV park police. We are only allowed 2 dogs but we have 3. Yes I am a criminal of the worst kind; but if this eruptions of neuclear gastric explosions don't stop I will be forced to give up the dogs just like Pierre LaPadite gave up the jews in Inglorious Bastards.
(P.S. if this is repeated it's because my internets is possessed today)

Dorkys Ramos said...

Hey, at least you know how to blog. My parents don't know how to text, let alone use any of that fangled social networking. You should be proud of yourself!

June Gardens said...

I always thought I would stay hep, and not get all unfashionable and elastic-waisted like my mother. But see, I had no idea about the shorties, and I do not know who B.o.P. is or whoever.

I remember my mother saying to me, in the last five years, "Did you know there's a band called the BUTTHOLE SURFERS?!" She was appalled. Yeah, mom, like THIRTY YEARS AGO.

I saw Eddie Vedder once. He was in a thrift store. Well, like a trendy thrift store. He was buying a black leather couch with a woman who had purple hair. Sadly, he did not throw me down on said couch and make out with me. I think he never looked my way, which is surprising given the under-my-breath squealing and pulling of my friend's arm. I mean, I was so cool. How was he not drawn to me?

Christine Macdonald said...

I just love you.

Lisa said...

Oh, I don't get this whole twitter thing either - I even joined (or whatever) and I TRIED it, but...what's the point? Isn't it just like constantly updating your status on FB? IDK, but I'm NO impressed!!

Oh, and, what IS Shortie? (WHO is Shortie?)

Jennifer said...

You are hysterical....My guy in high school would have been Jon Bon Jovi!! Following from MBC

Paula said...

I'm on Twitter but I mostly stalk. I rarely crank out an actual tweet but I enjoy reading the others.

Ally said...

WOW! This is insane. Why are we both thinking about Eddie Vedder today? I had no idea of your post today. How freakish.

PS We're most likely not having babies but if we do the three names I've picked out are Ben, Ruby and Lola. RUBY! Ha ha!


xoA said...

I tweet...but not about my life. I mean, who the F really cares that I am making a shout out to my shorties...FaceBook is bad enough, but at least FB (yes, abrev is so juvenile) doesn't have a character limit. Limit my character? I haven't been so offended since one of my high school teachers told me I needed more personality...well Mrs. Flynn, how do you like these apples???!!! (apologies for the digression) Anyhow, I tweet for work, but constantly find myself out of the loop on all the symbols and lingo....my kids are still young (1 and 3) and I am already so uncool. It's gonna be a long 18+ years.

ProudSister said...

I'm impressed, I didn't think you had a thought under 140 characters but those were hysterical. I just bought my hubby a t-shirt for his b-day that says "BLAME CANADA-for Nickelback". Is is just me or are they releasing the same song over & over again?

You also mentioned your husband's loud walking. My problem is the sounds that come out of my husband when he's eating, I mean, slurping his cereal or soup. He looked at me like I was a total bitch when I tried to calmly talk to him about it. He says that's the only way to eat cereal or soup-slurping. I, no exaggeration, have to leave the room when he's eating. Its just that bad.

Another awesome post!

Cindermommy said...

I suck at Twitter. I mostly joined to stalk celebrities because I thought that's what it was for. Color me surprised when I realized it was also for the rest of us to use 140 characters to say nothing. However, I will cling to Facebook forever!

(My childhood babysitter's name was Ruby... she was not nearly as awesome as your love for the name implies. But she did let me eat pizza for breakfast!)

pieters said...

yep, girlie, that's my personal story. it made me abit blue today creating the piece and posting it - but for the most part that segment of my life is behind me. i'm waiting for one of these that i gave my life for to marry and give me grandkids! sweet!

forgiveness rocks. it is our foundation, isn't it? :)


Suburban Correspondent said...

If you are going to rave about a song, embed the darn video already! I'm too lazy to go find it.

And there is a product called the burquini, you know...

Shelley said...

Oh Joann...you slay me. Seriously. Dog gas. I can't even tell you how many times I have walked into my house and thought "Why does it smell like ass in here?"

I have to admit, I knew what a Shortie was, but I do NOT Twit. Tweet. Whatever. I honestly do not get it. Also, it's Goobers that need to be dumped in the popcorn. I can't handle the raisins.

I know exactly what you mean about keeping up. My daughter's favorite band is All Time Low, do you know them? I actually like their CD. Don't care for rap and the Shorties, thankfully my daughter doesn't much either. Speaking of elderly people...my father thinks Facebook is the devil. I have no idea why. Also, one time my two older daughters and I were at his house watching some music video on YouTube, and he's all, "Are you watching PORN??" Yes Dad...I'm sitting here at your house, watching porn with my teenage daughters.

I also know who Justin Bieber is. Also unfortunately.

le Chef said...

Twitter. Really. Why?
Half the time I'm in denial over what just happened in this ever exciting life of mine. Why anyone else would want to get that news flash, I have no idea.
"Just ate fried chicken!"
"Fell down the stairs."

Now the plastic surgery; if I had the cash, I would be hip on that, yo shortie. I would love to look human again, or at least under 80.
Regardless, my kids would still be running in horror upon my approach.

Alexandra said...

The sad thing is, you would make an awesome twitterer.

Kelly said...

I have a Twitter account and remember to check it and/or post maybe once a month yet I STILL get regular "So and so is following you" notices. Mostly by porn actresses. I know not why.

My great-grandmother changed her name from Ruby to Sandra because she thought Ruby sounded too much like the name of a streetwalker.

Add an Ed Hardy wardrobe to people who drive Hummers and wear white sunglasses and a Bluetooth earpiece.

And I saw a picture of Miley Cyrus that showed she has a tattoo alongside her booby that reads "Just Breathe."

Bossy Betty said...

There were so many things in this post that made me crack up! I just want to sit across the table from you and listen to you talk!

Veronica Lee said...

Hi Joann! Welcome to the FFF Club!

Veronica Lee said...

LOL! I'm totally enjoying your blog.

Following now!!!

MrsBlogAlot said...

Joann I love you and I swear to never say creamy and crotch together in your presence again...(-"

Scarlet of Moms Wear Your Tees said...

Following your blog! That was a funny post. It is so hard teaching computer stuff to people who have had no exposure! Over and over!

duffylou said...

I love to read your blog in the morning. Funny stuff Joann. Makes me laugh every time. I have to get a I'm a douche t-shirt for my son because he drives a hummer. His fiance' drives one too. Would I buy her the same t-shirt or would she be a douchette? Ha!

Carolee said...

LOL- I soon found out that tweeting took up too much of my time.

I would tweet more if I could read those all day :-)

BTW- love the blog name!

Moooooog35 said...

If Twitter didn't exist my head would explode.

So much crap. So little time.

Unknown said...

YOu would kick ass on Twitter. Just sayin'. Let me know if you change your mind?

And I HATE MILEY CYRUS! that one made me LOL...

I do tweet, but I don't spend a ton of time on it. It is whatever you want to make of it.

Judie said...

Joann, I just read your poem on The Blogess. I would like your permission to put it on my blog,Rogue Artists. It was a beautiful poem!

Judie McEwen

Savira Gupta said...

You made my morning! Am laughing and smiling. Thank you
Want to know all about the Ipad got one and am just getting into it. twitter am debating.
Thx for the follow

Judie said...

So, can I use your poem?

Regarding the wonderful title of your site, when the ironing got out of hand, I would just bury it in the back yard. No one even missed it!


Anonymous said...

I loved this song and yeah, he's sick! Thanks for the link. I also was wondering what a "Shortie" was. I mean, I knew it was a girl, but was it a short girl, a girlfriend girl, a ho girl....there were clarifications that needed to be made.

Angelia Sims said...

Word Shortie! Off the hook!


You got an iPad? Yes SICK. I just read an update about it. I am addicted to my iPhone so I can only imagine.

I use Twitter but NOONE responds or talks to me. It really messes with my ego. I say good for you, keep the twerps at arms length. :-)

Letherton said...

I stumbled across your blog and wanted to say hi.
Take a minute an check my blog out
I have lots of great giveaways going on.
Thanks :)


Anonymous said...

You just don't "get" it...it has to be totally illegal to have that much funny sh*t in one post!!!I finally stop laughing and you get me started again...too much!!!

Btw, I love it.

Kris said...

Following you from FFF at MBC. Stop by and follow me too at http://nobirthcontrol.blogspot.com. Thanks!

Ann Harrison said...

I play that song over and over too! Geez, it just gets me.

(Living in the Pacific Northwest was oh-so-sweet when Pearl Jam ruled our little corner of the world. I still miss all the flannel!!)

Jennifer said...

New follower!

You are HILARIOUS!!!! I just about choked with laughter over the tweets!!

Can't wait to read more! And hope you'll come visit me too!

Lula Lola said...

I have a twitter/tweeter, but know next to nothing about it. But, if I could count on your "tweets," I'd be all over it. Creamy+Crotch=Seizure, every time! Throw the word "moist" in and you've got gagging to go with it!
I must try these french fries of which you speak! How does one make balsamic vinegar ketchup?

I try to wait to read your blog when the kids are sleeping. I want to fully appreciate it. Love it!

Kristen said...

love this post! i set up a Twitter account - but it's beyond me. My mom has to have internet/computer lessons constantly. Popping! But don't forget Locking! My playlists are awesome too. I'm thinking of adding them to my posts every now and then... And raisinets are good in popcorn, but snow caps are better. :)

Susan Payton said...

Okay finally a blog I will no where to come from when I want to laugh. Although the one with the little guy with the nail polish all over his feet was kind of funny too. Well you see I am sixty so you forget those things and now they just make you smile. Thank you for letting me visit and making me laugh, it's always been the best medicine around.

Just Trying To Save Money said...

Hi, following from MBC!


Judie said...

JoAnn, you have until Monday to let me know if I can post your poem, or not. If I don't hear from you, I will just take it, and you can sue me, or whatever! Please don't sue me. I live on a fixed income!

Judie said...

Susan, you are sooooo young! I would love to be 50 again. I am 68 now. Please check out my blog:
Judie McEwen

Tracie said...

Now you're teasing us with your Twitter skillz. (See how hip I am. I spelled that with a z ON PURPOSE.)

PS Eddie Vedder was totally my type way back when, too. I would have shared my Boones with you whilst scheming to get you hooked up with the bass player so I could have him all to myself.

Robin @ Blommi said...

I think it is about time you got Twitterpaited.

Now following from MBC.

Jennifer said...

Me again! Okay, I have to say I felt the same way you do about Twitter, but it is sooooooo much fun, and, like I said before, that is how I found your blog. I was bored and did not feel like cleaning, so I Tweeted "Tired, need to wake up, someone send me good links to some blogs". Well I guess one of your blog followers is one of my Twitter followers and she sent me your link,and just like that, you have a new follower. If my 60yr old dad can do Twitter (and he does!) so can you!!

Creative Flair said...

You are hilarious. You would also get my vote.

Visiting from the Girl Next Door

Alexandra said...

With all this evidence of why you should tweet, why don't you???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Kimberly said...

You would be a hilareeeous good time on twitter. I think that you need to conform. Come to the darkside. We will follow ;)
So glad to have found your blog via The Girl Next Door Grows Up!

Ruth Cox aka abitosunshine said...

Hilarious fun! And I'm going to have to tweet this post, ha! Glad to have found you via iWrite-iBlog-iWin!

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