Things I Fear Most—Kidnappers And Diarrhea
Friday, August 27, 2010

Today, I've got a whole mixed batch of unimportant and very important to talk about. 

First there's my toenail. 

When I am out in public, like at the grocery store or the soccer field or at one of my other VIP places, I am in my heels. All other times, I am barefoot. There is no in between with me. I am either overdressed for every occasion or the poster girl of white trash. 

The other day as I was walking around barefoot, I stumbled, (a daily occurrence) and I felt something sharp wedge under my toenail. And now it feels like someone has shoved a giant bamboo shoot under my toenail and it's driving me craaaazy!

And I know you're saying to yourself, "Hey Barefoot White Trash Girl, why don't you just look under your toenail?"

See, here's the thing. 

My toes are painted this perfect kicky red called "No Autographs, Please."

I know, right?

And that polish is not coming off until I see Josh today. 

And yes my nail girl is a guy. More on that in a minute. 

So, I couldn't find the sliver, no matter how much I took the sharp thing on the nail clipper and dug blindly around in there under the kicky red. But all of a sudden, I thought I got it because there was no more bamboo shoot feeling in my toe. 

But then today I was doing something I despise. 

I was cleaning the house. 

And whenever this housewife has to do something as abhorrent as housework, I must have my iPod going full blast. It takes away from the wretchedness. And the feistier the music the better. 

So, I was moonwalking to The Black Eyed Peas in between towel folds—and honestly, I don't think what I was doing could actually be called moonwalking, more like spastic backward hop/stumbles that looked like I was trying not to fall over, which I totally was trying not to crash to the floor—and in the middle of my kickass moon walk, I did fall over and now the sliver is back. 

I can't wait for Josh to take off this polish.

And I know you're thinking it's kind of weird to have a nail guy but the thing is, I am very comfortable around men. It doesn't phase me to get my pedicures done by a man.

I don't mind men massage therapists, salesmen in girl stores, men in my gym, men doing my hair, men anywhere in my life. 

In fact, I'm probably the only woman in the world who really doesn't mind a man gynecologist. I don't care. It's not like he's seeing something original, something that will make me his newest cocktail fodder.

But there is this one thing I must have a girl in my life for—my dermatologist. See, I have 2 moles the size of small meteors and they sit squarely on my ass cheek and they have to be measured semi-annually and I do not need a man measuring my ass every 6 months with his tape measure, and saying, "Yup, this ass has grown progressively larger. The moles, however, look good."

It's just important to me— things like men not knowing the actual dimensions of my ass.

And I really kind of like the fact that a man is sitting at my feet, painting my toes.

Not that I have the upper hand at all.

Josh is a sadist.

He "smooths out" the bottom of my feet like he is sanding down a knotty piece of pine. I mean, he goes to town as I sit there writhing around under his sander hands, progressively getting louder with my "Ow! Ow! OWWWW!"

And Josh is always, "Well, if you'd start wearing shoes like I tell you to, this would not be a problem."

I don't have to remind Josh that no one tells me what to do, not even my hubby gets to order me around.  Josh can see that I take orders from no one when he looks at my calloused feet.

And that's what I like about Josh—we're real with each other.

He tells me I have the feet of a mountain man to my face instead of to the nail techs on each side of him in another language as they all smile and look at me and pretend they aren't talking about me.

He just says it. And I tell him if he doesn't lay off the sadist sanding, I'm going to find myself a new nail person. 

And he just says, "Really." 

Not as a question. Just this smug statement as he raises his eyebrows and looks at the nail techs surrounding him who are gabbing away to each other as they smile snidely at the women in their chairs. 

Josh knows my toes are his. 

So, here's the reason (besides the bamboo shoot under my toenail) I'm going to see Josh tomorrow. 

I'm going on a vacation, Internet, a forced vacation. 

See, without going into the gruesome details, my Hubby planned a family getaway for all the men in his family. But then some things happened and the whole getaway kind of fell through and my Hubby was left with these rooms he booked and so . . . 

I'm going to Mexico. 

I don't want to go to Mexico. 

Everything I know about Mexico I learned from the movie Traffic.

I know that it is a land of drug trafficking, drug mules, gangs, kidnappings, poverty, utter lawlessness and diarrhea. 

And none of these things appeal to me. 

I know that everyone is involved in the lawlessness there including the taxi cab drivers and the police and I'm pretty sure the little kids who sell cheap crap on the street. 

And so we will not be safe anywhere. 

I've gotten a lot of advice from people. 

My chef friend Dave says I should be safe from parasitic infection if I only stick with bottled water, beer, and stay away from the fresh fruits and veggies. Dave also says the big one that gets everybody is the salsa. 

And I ask you, what good is braving police drug lords and taxi cab kidnappers, if I can't have Mexican salsa? Not eating salsa while in Mexico— isn't that sacrilegious? 

And the only way I'm going to be able to take my mind off the stress of this "vacation" is if I drink wine. A lot of wine. 

But Dave says I have to stick with beer. 

I'm not a beer girl. Just like I'm not a camping girl or a bowling girl or a sports girl or a sensible shoe girl.

Beer makes me bloated and in my brother's profound words, "You can't own beer, you can only rent it."

And the beer goes right on through this renter's body like a fast moving current. 

So now I have to become a beer drinker to go to Mexico. Great. Plump cheeks, here I come. 

Here's the really helpful advice I got on the kidnapping. "You'll be fine. Just try and blend in."


Said as a statement and not a question. 

Have you seen me? 

My hair is not blonde. My hair is beyond blonde. It is platinum. 

And my skin could be used as an emergency beacon if we are ever lost in the total darkness of a cave. 

This is me.

And this is Mexico.

I'm not sure how I'll manage the blending in.

People are also telling me that since we're going to Cabo, kidnappings and drug shootings and diarrhea are very rare there. 

Well guess what. 

My sister is coming with us and she's a karmic lightning rod for strange and calamitous events. She's been robbed at gunpoint. She's been in two— TWO bank robberies. I worked in a bank for years and never got robbed. My sister makes a deposit and all hell breaks loose and the semi-automatic weapons come out. She's been in train wrecks, derailed train accidents involving injury and death. She's had such rare ailments that the doctors have had to take out the big medical textbooks as they scratch their heads. 

We will be the first tourists of Cabo to get kidnapped by taxi drivers, taken to the police's secret torture place where we will be forced to eat salsa, drink tap water and swallow condoms full of cocaine. 

Trust me on this. 

And I'm pretty sure I'm not good kidnapping material. I like to be comfortable. If I'm comfortable, I'm happy. And when I say comfortable, I mean Princess and The Pea kind of comfortable. And my Hubby will vouch for the fact that when I am uncomfortable, I get a mite snippy. 

I might have to complain about gags smearing my lip gloss and if hoods are involved, they better not be grimy before they go over my face. I don't need a breakout. And don't even get me started on too tight handcuffs. I have sensitive skin. And if we have to sleep in the kidnapper's lair, I will toss and turn and most likely pitch a fit, if the sheets are not of a high thread count. And I need a down pillow, not those cheap foam ones. And I get motion sickness very easily, so no speeding in getaway cars. And I'll need my contact disinfection solution because just like the man on TV, I have special eyes. And I will have to have control of the radio at all times because that's just me and because I can only listen to that hopped up Mexican music for so long before I just want to kill somebody or start salsa dancing, either one. 

So, I'm certain the kidnapping part of things will be unpleasant for both sides of the fence. 

My Hubby is trying to calm my nerves by promising me our resort is safe and that he has arranged a car to pick us from the airport so we won't have to deal with the taxi kidnappers. 

But then he says to me yesterday, "Hey, look at this! Trip Advisor says the number one thing to do in Cabo is to Zip Line through the jungle."

Really. Really. Reeeeeeally. 

Like I am going to hang my beacon kidnapping target of a body from a string and fly through the dense jungles of Mexico where the guerrillas have made their home. 

And I'm not talking the giant monkeys. I'm talking the men with guns, big guns and tap water and a Costco supply of Trojans and a ruthless desire to make a living through abductions. 

And to make things even worse, my Hubby informed me today that not only do we not have phones or TVs in our room, we will not have wireless service, either. It's supposed to be a "relaxing" kind of place. 

I am certain he is trying to kill me. 

How can I go without you, you my beloved Internet for 11 days? 

How will I be able to determine what new illnesses I've been stricken with without my Web MD? How will I know what's going on with the constant Facebook party in my computer? How will I go 11 days without googling Mark Ruffalo's sexy hot man-ness?

You are welcome for the eye candy.

And most importantly, how will I go that long without blogging or visiting all my friends? 

I don't know if I can take this, Internet. 

My Hubby tried to sweeten the pot by adding my beloved Northern California to the trip. So, at least I had that. I could walk the hills of my lovely San Francisco. I could taste the wines of my motherland, Sonoma and Napa without worrying about kidnappings and cocaine condoms and diarrhea. But then yesterday, this AP headline slapped me in the face. 


I am screwed. 

I'll try to send you a line from California if the state doesn't fall down while I'm there. I will try my best to find a coffee shop in the lawless, kidnapping capital of the world, Mexico. But if you don't hear from me, know that I am trying my best not to get squashed by crumbling buildings or get kidnapped or get diarrhea. 

If you don't hear from me before, I'll be back September 9th. 

If not, call the American Embassy or the gastroenterologist. 

Hasta La Vista, Baby. 

Today's Definite Download: The Talking Heads, "Life During Wartime". I went over to youtube to give all you young-un's a taste of David Byrne's brilliance because just talking about his music can never give it its fair due. But when I watched this video, not only was I caught up in the genius of his music making, but I was astounded at his athletic prowess. His eccentric stage presence is unbelievable as he cavorts around the stage, running and hopping and running, never ever stopping. And the thing was, I realized as I watched this 5 minutes of utter coolness and aerobic might, that back in the day, I was there at every single one of his concerts, jumping in place along with him. 

It's why we could all eat a Fat Man's Breakfast at 3:00 AM after a night on the town and then fall asleep with those pancakes, eggs, bacon and biscuits and gravy and chocolate milk, all resting in our stomachs without ever gaining a pound. Or wait, was that just me eating the Fat Man's?

Here's the link to David Byrne. You've gotta do yourself a favor and click on that link. It is a sight to be seen. 

I'll see you soon, my dear friends. I'll bring you back some maracas.

Life During Wartime

Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some gravesites, out by the highway
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto
I've lived all over this town

This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey
I ain't got time for that now

Transmit the message to the receiver
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, couple of visas
don't even know my real name 
High on a hillside, trucks are loading
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nighttime
I might not ever get home.  


Gigi said...

I can assure you that I have vacationed in Guaymas, Mexico on 3 separate occasions. (once when I met husband and once when we got engaged. fun fact).

I have sampled more of their fresh produce than could be humanly possible and never once got sick. Their produce is fabulous, by the way. At least it was at Club Med.

I can't wait to hear the report when you come back.

p.s. dont' forget the bottle of Joy for me at Rombauer in Napa.

Deborah said...

Never been to Mexico? My favorite place? The place I'm nudging my hubbins slowly towards a vacation home? Girl - you will be fine. It's lovely there!

How crazy is this as well: I have both a male gyno and a male toe-dude. I do love how the toe-dude slaps my calves when he's massaging my legs. {sigh}

MrsBlogAlot said...

I'm still laughing at the idea of the GYN's "new cocktail fodder" and then, of course, every sentence thereafter.

Have a great time and please chip yourself before you go.

I could NOT stand to lose you!!!

Lisa said...


I hope you have a fabulous time - just think of it as an adventure. And good luck with the sliver. I'm sure Josh will be able to extract it!

cfoxes33 said...

That is one of the funniest posts I have seen in days! I needed that diversion. Well, good luck and I hope to read you again if you, er...when you get back!

Rae said...

I hate to be a pessimist, but it was nice knowin' ya...
Just kidding! Relax and have a fabulous time! I'll be back right here on September 9th!

jayayceeblog said...

I think Josh must have a Korean twin in Scottsdale. I have offered to run over to Home Depot and save us all some trouble and pain by simply picking up an electric sander. The toenail thing sucks! I will be lighting candles and praying for your safe return from Mexico. Vaya con dios!!!

Renee said...

I have a male gyno too. He's great. And it's like you said...he's not seeing something new.

Enjoy your trip!

Amethystmoon said...

Not gonna lie, you lost me right around you and Mexico, but the stuff before my ADD kicked in was hilarious!! I was laughing my ass off at the thought of having ass cheeks measured!! But then my boss started walking up, and I had to switch to another screen and preten to be working, so then I just scanned it when she looked away, and now I have a meeting so just this quick comment to say how frickin cool you are, and maybe, just maybe I'll get achance to read the rest, but if not just pretend I did cuz I'm sure it's all awesome like you!

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Let us not forget the movie Man On Fire. Lots of kidnapping and crime there. Plus, I love me some Denzel. Oh, and I have never seen Mark in a goatee, how yum. Thanks for that morning treat.

I have always been suspicious of the nail girls that speak to each other in a foreign language, giggle and then look up. Had I known there are guys out there to rub my feet and paint my toes I'd be getting more pedicures.

The thing that would have me the most worried isn't what is going on in Mexico. It's what you're bringing with you. Your sister. You are asking for it by bring her along. She has probably broken every statistic out there. Have fun and keep a hat on!

LisaPie said...


Consider me your Mexican Tourist Industry Spokeperson. I have lived in 3 different cities in Mexico and vacationed in tons of others. And Mexico is far and away my favorite place on earth.

Be smart and don't worry. That's how you will get through. Be smart in not wearing loads of expensive jewelry and don't have wads of cash hanging out of your back ass pockets. Don't worry, because you will be having such a grand time that you will never think of worrying.

I can promote Mexico like no other, in most regards. In the wine department? Not so much. You really should follow your friend's advice and try their beers. Many German brewmeisters settled in Mexico and brought their techniques and high standards with them. Some of my favorites are Indio, Negra Modelo, and Bohemia. It goes without saying that the tequila is to be savored.

All good Mexican restaurants will start you off with the best breakfast you have ever had. Freshly squeezed Mexican orange juice is the best. Mexican hot chocolate and Cafe de olla are so good you will never want to leave.

I am so jealous of your new adventure! I know you will have a ball and eat the best seafood and at the end you will be a Mexican-wannabe like me.

Oh! And Mexican Independence Day is Sept. 15, so everything should be getting all decorated up while you are there, so that should be fun. And!!! That means the Mexican National Dish "Chiles en Nogada" will be available. You have to try it. It is so delicious. Beautiful poblano peppers stuffed with a meat and fruit mixture and topped with a soft velvety walnut cream sauce and sprinkled with pomegranite seeds. Green, white and red like the flag. Awesome!

If you need any pep talks about Mexico feel free to shoot me a message. This is what I do. (they really should pay me for this)

LisaPie said...

O.M.G. I just typed out the longest most wonderful ode to Mexico and all its bounty and hit Publish and it gave me an error that my comment was "too large".

I shall try to remember it all and email it to you!

Funny in My Mind said...

It is very cool that your pedi-person is a dude!
If you get one of those big ass sombreros, nobody will now you are a blond.
Maybe you could say you are the trophy wife of a cartel mogul?
Maybe that is a bad thing though- ransom and all.....

Bossy Betty said...

Oh my gosh--reading this post was better than being in a large amusement park with too much cash!!! I loved it!

What shall we do without you for eleven days? I am sure you will have a wonderful, safe, incredible, memorable trip. You will be fine! (But, uh, just in case, could you kind of leave a note that says I get your I-Pad if anything happens to you?)

Unknown said...

I have a male OB/GYN AND he makes inappropriate jokes.
I have a theory: women are insensitive to other women, but guys don't know what's going ON, so they are nice, for fear of death by PMS.

I live close enough to drive to mexico, which I would never do because Traffic is the scariest movie ever, and I'm pretty sure someone would steal my car. I think if you get past the boarder towns where all the murders and drug lord violence is, you are safe. That's the rumor at least. STAY AWAY from the boarder! I will miss you for the 11 days of internet detox. I hate beer. It makes me burp. It makes my tummy hurt.

I will miss your pink, music loving ways.

McKenzie said...

You will be very missed! I've heard a lot of good things about vacationing in Mexico, I have never been but I wouldn't mind going! If you want to switch places I would be fine hahah. I hope you have a great trip!!

LisaPie said...

Ha! That commercial about the "special eyes" is one of our favorites in this house! We crack up over it daily.

Anonymous said...

Thank GAWD! I lost my whole blogroll when I switched up my layout and just found you again!!! I've missed you off to actually try and catch up!

Shell said...

I hope your sister's jinx is broken somehow! Try to have fun...though being w/o internet for that long might make me crazy!

Amethyst Anne said...

Put those newly polished toes in the beautiful sand and bake in the sun. Next thing you know you will be back home and having to do housework again.
Enjoy your vacation!!

liz said...

You are as fabulous as this post! I'm going to tweet and stumble it!

I have also heard of those "rules" for travel in Mexico. Though I've never heard of a species quite like your sister.

Good luck sticking out like a sore thumb, and keep lots of cash on your person to pay off any crooked cops or cab drivers.

TesoriTrovati said...

I fear not that the world will crumble, or that diarrhea will have you in it's death grip or that guerillas (or gorillas, for that matter) will be lurking in the jungle just below your zip fear that I will be without an ounce of laughter for 11 whole days. Whatever will I do with myself? I think I will have to go back and read all the posts that I may have missed from the start of your blog. Because you will be missed.
And if someone tries to tell you that you need to do a tequila popper on the way into a party...and on the way out....and you happen to go into and out of said party about 15 NOT believe that it is a local custom nor is it required. Or you too will end up with a delightful picture of yourself barfing into the bathroom sink at the local bar with your friends pointing and laughing. Not that I speak from experience or anything. I'm just sayin'...

Enjoy the day, Joann!
Erin ;-)

Anonymous said...

Sweet website, I hadn't noticed before during my searches!
Continue the great work!

Noelle said...

Okay...let's see what I can add...

I prefer a guy to a girl any day to do my pedicure, especially because they give a much better massage.

I've been ziplining in the jungles of Guatemala, that's pretty close, and it was a highlight of my life. So I say go for it!

Mexico is my second home...and I'm not meaning the resorts. I'm meaning MEXICO. You'll be fine! You'll have fun! And you won't get sick...unless you drink the water. Just drink bottled water and you'll be fine!

And if you think you're going to get kidnapped, just get loud and bossy with the guys and they'll leave you alone. Mexican men are SCARED of American women! I promise!

Have fun! We'll miss you!!!

Unknown said...

I just remembered that one time, I had my nails done by a guy, and for some reason I can't fathom to this day, I said I wanted a flower. I had red polish, and I assumed I was getting the regular white flower.
He pulls out the green. I'm like, okay leaves...a bit more detailed than I wanted but what the hey. Five minutes later, I have a giant green flower on my red toenails. Thinking maybe it was a cultural difference in taste, I said nothing and it looked like I had a giant four leaf clover on my red nails...just in time for Christmas and Saint Patricks day, but sadly it was June.
I lost all faith in men and nail art after that. I mean, I didn't lose faith in MEN just in MEN who do Nail art.

W.C.Camp said...

Hmmm where to begin ... First, you'll be fine in Mexico, and eat the salsa. On the off chance you do get kidnapped, you can use your explosive dissentary as a weapon.

Yes, I am comfortable as well with the opposite sex as doctors, friends, helpers etc. That is why I have a female service monkey blow my nose for me.

Finally, go to a MAN doctor and get those moles hacked off your hiney. One week of not sitting down is far better than a lifetime of repetitive exam room liasons. You're married so who cares if you garner a couple of more dimples? Anyway, you can always get those filled in when later liposuction elsewhere becomes necessary. Great post as always! W.C.C.

One Photo said...

I prefer a guy for a massage as with my neck and shoulder issues (resemble car wreck survivor thanks to broken collarbone as a child) I need a very deep, deep tissue massage and quite frankly most women cannot manage it. I have a male OB/GYN who I love and would not swap for anything. He and I cried together when Mirabelle was born, it was a long journey getting there. My family doctor is also male. I would also prefer a male for a pedicure but there is not a man at the salon I go to. So I would always opt for a man rather than a woman too!

Mrs. Ohtobe said...

It's been a helluva week and I just got back from buying chocolate donuts for the office...I so needed a laugh and you delivered!! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

We have never beento Mexico either. For many of the same reasons you listed. And that was all before Traffic came out. also, everything I learned about Thailand was from the movie, "Brokedown Palace" and you may remember that involved rug trafficking and of course Thai prison. I would not do well in that whole situation. But I'm sure you will be fine. Just fine. really.

Unknown said...

You are definitely cerifiably insane and I love you for it! What a hilarious post! I hope inspite of your sister's bad karma you are able to enjoy your trip!

Yuliya said...

Just saw some horrible dateline nbc type show about a family getting kidnapped by pretend police stay away from those! How do you plan on surviving 11 days without the internets? We will miss you!

The Furry Godmother said...

Have a fabulous time in Cabo, Hon. Avoid all kidnappings and earthquakes. We need you here.

And I went to Acapulco years ago. It was fabulous, but I have a cast iron stomach. I even drank the water, ate nothing but the most fabulous ceviche and drank tequila in icy cool drinks. For reals. Made of iron.

Enjoy yourself!

Jen said...

Here is the problem I have with your posts. Believe it or not it is not the length of them ( I know!). No, it is that there are so many wonderful things you touch on that touch me and that I can relate to that I can't remember them by the time I finish reading and I have to go back. And I get stuck at the eye candy and then I am really screwed.

So quickly here are the things I must say.

Beer makes me pee every 30 seconds. It's the first pee that sets the tone. I'm good for about 15 minutes after having a beer and then it is pee every 30 seconds like clock work for the next two days. And I don't even get a buzz because I don't want to keep peeing and being bloated. I drink wine.

I love my man gyno. He's from Scandinavia so he not only looks all hot in his blond and blue eyed hotness but he also has a really sexy accent. He recently got divorced. Oh, it's time for a PAP smear!

My pedi guy is also a guy. I love him. I love his tattoos and I especially love his leg and arm massages. I don't even care if he talks to his co-workers in another language while I am sitting there.

Mexico is great, they will love you. Eat all the salsa you want it won't hurt you. Eat the fruit too just make sure you peel it. Don't eat things where you eat the peel like apples or pears. Most hotels have purified water so don't worry too much about it. If you drink enough you will kill any bacteria that might make you sick.

Have a great time, and stay away from you sister.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Oh, I just wanted to remind you to pack your diarrhea medicine. Carry on.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Have a fabulous time on your trip. I'm armed with all of your recommendations as I head out on Sept 9th to wine country!

The beer might not be so bad if it's super cold and you are in a pool! Make up for it when you head to the beloved Valley...

Hugs and best wishes for a great trip!

Jennifer M. said...

Another hilarious crack me up lady! Listen, my best friend went to Mexico last year and she had all of the same fears you do, but she had a blast. It was nothing like she thought and she went to the same beach you will be at.

I say, sit back, relax and enjoy the time away. The internet is not going anywhere. We will all be here waiting to hear about your fabulous time with your hubby. Although...I might be nervous around your sis too. She has had some bad but good luck. Bad that all those things happened to her, but good in that she survived all of them.

Enjoy your vacation! :)

Judie said...

YOU SISSY!!!! Give your feet to Josh and keep your mouth shut while he peels away all that dead skin! I would KILL for someone like Josh!

And as for Cabo? Well, actually I don't know about Cabo since I have never been there. BUT I have been to Cancun, and would go back there in a New York minute! I would go ANYWHERE where no one can get to me and make unreasonable demands.

SUCK IT UP! Do you think I even thought once about my blog when I was in Mexico?? Well, o.k, I did think about it, but not seriously.
O.k., I didn't want to pay extra to Verizon so I could connect. Satisfied?

We all need a break from reality, and I am a firm believer in vacations as long as I have the "good drugs" to get me there and back.

I have had way too much reality lately. I need another vacation.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I managed 6 months in Acapulco (as an exchange student) without kidnapping, torture, cocaine condoms, etc. But I did get a wicked sunburn! I think you'll be okay! Have fun!

Beth Zimmerman said...

I managed 6 months in Acapulco (as an exchange student) without kidnapping, torture, cocaine condoms, etc. But I did get a wicked sunburn! I think you'll be okay! Have fun!

Pat said...

You'll be fine! But just in case, maybe you should memorize this sentence, "Yo tengo le chuga en mis pantaloonas."

It means, "I have lettuce in my pants."

Somebody would have to sit up and listen and get you the hell out of there if you're in trouble, I mean seriously!

You're welcome!

Tiffany said...

my gyno is a man and i love him. i had a pap last week and was all 'that's it?!' hardly felt a thing.

your whole thing about eating/drinking in mexico reminds me of the first SATC movie when they went and all charlotte would eat is pudding and then she pooped on herself.

not that you're going to poop your pants. i mean--unless you're kidnapped or something.

Cheeseboy said...

"Eye Candy" not needed. Thanks anyway though.

I think you can go ten days with no internet. I mean, think what the pilgrims did in the late 90's. They had dial up on their Nina's, Pinta's and Santa Marias.

Your skin doc quandary makes sense. I have a woman doctor and she makes me turn my head and cough. I've always wondered if men doctors ask you to do the same thing?

Grace said...

You'll be fine! My disastrous Mexican honeymoon was in 1987. I've been to Mexico at least six times since then, have eaten the salsa, and have never gotten sick. But I wouldn't go with beer. Tequila. That's the ticket.

Cabo is gorgeous. Even without Internet!

And if you've never seen Ben Stiller's The Heartbreak Kid, it's a hilarious movie set in Cabo. You reminded me of it with all your "paleface" talk.

Dawn in D.C. said...

Have a great time on your vacation. As soon as you get back, I'll be leaving on mine.

We're not going anywhere exciting or dangerous, just to the lake for a week for Bday and anniversary celebrations.

P.S. I prefer male nail techs. I think they do a better job.

Unknown said...

I went to Cabo for my BFF's wedding in 2004. We had a blast. Definitely check out Cabo Wabo. Everyone made fun of me for being paranoid about Montezuma's revenge...but guess what? I was careful and I didn't get it!

Try to relax. If you get sick, just get some drugs and you'll be fine.

Baby Sister said...

Sorry about your toenail...I hope Josh helps!! Men pedicurists are the ONLY way to go.

Listen to Noelle about Mexico. We've been plenty of times and eat all the fresh fruit and salsa we can (or, at least I do) and we don't get sick at all. :)

You might get a few cat calls and whistles because you are blonde (I do sometimes as well) but as Noelle said, they are scared of us.

You are going to have sooo much fun and I am jealous!! Enjoy!!!!

Be safe, and have fun. ;)

mdforkids said...

Well I would say have a fabulous time but I'll just say: I hope you don't get sick, kidnapped, or trapped by falling buildings. If there is an earthquake in least I'll be right there with you:) Hey, and maybe you're like the good luck counterpoint to your disaster prone sister! Have fun!

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

Have a great time! Enjoy it, all of it, even the diarrhea and the cocaine balloons!
(Do they come with helium?)

Cari said...

Hey Joann, just wanted to let you know that I gave you an award on my blog :)

Cheryl said...

I will miss you and look forward to a full report upon your return. You WILL come back. You will!

alicia said...

Hopefully you get that toe fixed before your vaca. I love last minute trips that are unplugged. (sarcasm) I just recently had one. And I'll take mexico over that any day. Sending good vibes your sister's way.

Anonymous said...

I'm rooting for you, Princess. Do the zip line. I want to read that post and if you don't try it, I won't, and then I'll be an unhappy Princess. (As princessy as chickens get, anyway). I also vote for just eat the salsa. Geez. Have fun. That Ruffalo guy sort of looks like your hubby. Have you noticed that? Notice that. It can only make your forced vacation all that much better.

Alexandra said...

You cannot leave w/o telling us what is under the "no autographs, please."

Especially when you'll be gone 11 days. It'll be a looooooooooong eleven days for us on this side, too.

Hurry back...

Unknown said...

First, let us know about that bamboo shoot under the toe bit. I'm wondering what's under that autograph. Second, light-skinned blondes live in Mexico, too, in places like Monterrey. You may not look entirely out of place. Just put on that HUGE sombrero. Third, is salsa dancing even MORE dangerous in Mexico due to the fact that SALSA is involved. Four, totally follow that advice re: no fruits and vegetables and beer only. Have you seen "Monsters Inside Me"?? Fifth, have fun. Sixth, that's all I've got.

Lula Lola said...

You must zip line! I didn't get to try it in Costa Rica(pregnant) and was dying to. My husband loved it! Hope you come back without having to experience an earthquake, Montezuma's revenge, or those pesky taxi driving kidnappers!
I don't think I'd hang to close to your sister though, she sounds like a broken mirror! lol

AmyBlam said...

I've been to Mexico three times in less than three years, we love it. I have the most sensitive tummy on the planet and I've never gotten sick, but I also brush my teeth with bottled water and don't use ice in drinks.
We also generally stay on the resort unless we are taking a chartered tour somewhere. Have fun!

Sandra said...

No wireless service? Never mind the kidnapping, that's the reason right there why you need to stay put!
You are terrific, I smile and laugh all the way through your post!
And you are not a white trash barefoot girl...if you are, then what am I? I don't even wear socks when there's snow on the ground. Always barefoot in my boots.
And I could go on and on about your post because I found it thoroughly enjoyable, but then it would become a post in itself, so I'll stop!

Christine Macdonald said...

I just love you! You are going to have SO MUCH FUN!

Try and let your worries take a back seat for a bit. You deserve this.

PS: Steer clear of watching Charlotte in Sex and the City (1st movie).

Hugs, my beautiful sister,

Cupcake Murphy said...

You are going to be FINE. My In-Laws were REALY INTO the all-inclusive resort things in Mexico and all I can say is get ready to perspire, relax and say to yourself over and over again "Texans are loud and have unusually large ponches" Adios Mon Cheri.

Cecelia Winesap said...

My very heterosexual husband paints my toenails better than I ever could. :)

Angel said...

Stop by Chasing Serenity and claim your BLOG AWARD!! :-) I love your blog!

Have a great week!

AngelMc said...

Hmmm, I try not to ever wear shoes, used to when I was younger (in the 70s) I went to the grocery store that I'm 54, people look at me like I am an extra from the movie Deliverance if I go outside barefooted. I carve the crust off my feet because I'm too embarrassed to get a pedi. On the other hand my husband's feet are like a baby's. Get this--when he gets out of the shower he dries his feet first and then puts on house shoes!! House shoes!!
Oh and I agree about Mexico..the first/last time I went to Mexico was in the 70s and crossed the border into Juarez at El Paso.....that has lasted me a lifetime.
Be safe and I really do hope you have a great time!!
Come visit me sometime over at my blog...

Help! Mama Remote... said...

OMYGOSH!!!!You are freakin hilarious!I can't wait to hear about your adventure. I would worry about all the other stuff as long as I had my laptop!

Nicki said...

Hi there. Newly following you from MBC. Love your blog and voted for Bunny!!!

JennyMac said...

We love Mexico and go to Cabo every year. Have drinks at Esperanza and brunch at Palmilla if you ever get the chance. AND I have never had a single "incident'. LOL.

LOVE the pic of you and your iPad however, tell me about the stand it is on. I have a stand but it looks a bit different.

Mom vs. the boys said...

oh man, I hope your toe gets fixed, that kickin red sounds pretty hot!
You'll need sexy toes for when you are in Mexico, NOT getting kidnapped! how are you going to relax on the beach with all of that horror running through your mind! lol too funny! as always!

Bunny said...

hahhahahhahahahhahahaha omg I have said so many times that I do not want to go to Mexico for exactly all of those reasons and everyone thinks I am crazy paranoid. Finally Im not alone lol.

Erica said...

Oh. My Gawd! You are too hilarious. I just happened upon your blog from another blog (Hen's Teeth). Adore your writing style. Safe (and happy?) traveling!


The Lady's Lounge said...

I've thought this through, long and hard and I, being the giver that I am, have decided to give you a gift. That's right. You can stay home,or come here to Montreal and live luxuriously at the hands of my three (evil) angelic teenage daughters and my (disgusting) adorable dog, while I suck it up and take one for the team by FORCING myself to go to Mexico with your husband.
You're welcome.

Truthful Mommy said...

OK, so I used to spend every summer as a child in central Mexico and that is more where all the craziness is at close to Mexico city.CAbo should be fine.You will have a blast, just take a deep breath and relax. Mexicans are really friendly people..I should know,I am one of them:) Of course, most of the horror stories you have heard are true but not applicable to where you are going. Be safe, have fun, stick to bottled water and you'll be fine. Plus, I think you are fine with hard liquor..not just beer. Sending you safe, happy travel vibes!

VetTech said...

I have the perfect cocktail to cure your fears... 2 parts tequila and one part immodium. Have fun in Mexico.

An Imperfect Momma said...

First time visiting your site and I gotta say....I snorted a coupla times. Not an easy feat...feet....ummm you know what I mean. Btw, you can totally blend in! Not a problem at all...just hafta dye your hair and your skin. No biggie right?

Anonymous said...

OMG! We are one in the same, but I just won't go to Mexico. Not at all. I am sure I will get kidnapped here in good ole MN, Mexico would be a sure thing.

Do the zip line. Tyler did it and I have a pic of him. It looks so fun!

And I LOVE the Talking Heads!!!!!!

I hope you are having a blast. I know you will.

Judie said...


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