Ode To Britney Spears
Thursday, April 2, 2009

I have satellite radio in my car. It’s pretty much radio cable with a million channels, no commercials, and all the music genres you can ever imagine.

I tend to hover around the rock and alternative channels, but since I am an all-encompassing music lover, I decided to check out what was happening on the pop channels, yesterday.

I tuned to the top 20 station, just as Britney Spears' masterpiece, “If you Seek Amy” began.

I’d heard about this little ditty. I knew it was supposed to be a clever pun. And I like that. I like tongue in cheek. So, I cranked up the tune.

Its difficult to drive when you’re that horrified. The minute she started in with her "La, la, la’s," I thought I might drive off the road from the pain.

It was not clever. It was not puntastic. It was in a phrase: beyond bad.

I’ve been rooting for Miss Brit-Brit for awhile now. There was a point in time where I’d wake up in the morning and first thing I’d do, before I even punched the coffee to brew was check my computer to see what train wreck atrocities she’d been into the night before. Her dance on the brink of insanity was delicious. And even though I couldn’t get enough of that loony tune and her manic melt-down, I wanted someone to jump in and rescue her. 

I wanted to kidnap her myself, bring her back to my house and straighten her out through a balance of restrictions and forcing her to drive the ghetto minivan, the one with automatic sliding doors, 150,000 miles, and a mismatching driver’s door, thanks to the O-Dawg and the car accident on her 9th day of driving. Hubby and I have found keeping the minivan around for punishment’s sake is incredibly effective. I have a feeling Miss Britney Jean would be as miserable as the O-Dawg, forced into being seen tooling around town in that sweet ride.

But, even though I wanted her to find her life again, that doesn’t mean I like her music. I have tolerated Britney for all these years.

Meaning, I just change the channel when her music comes on.

Meaning, if you say you love Britney Spears music, I will never, ever be able to be your friend. I just can’t. Its beyond my music moral compass.

“If You Seek Amy” was not even Britney tolerable. It was hell.

Here’s why I think all Seek Amy CD’s should be thrown in a giant pile and torched. Let’s start with the voice, which we all know is computer mega, mega, mega enhanced. Even with that, she sounds like Kermit the Frog from the Muppet Babies. What is with that? It is the weirdest affectation I have ever heard a singer take on. That "La, la, la, baby, baby " crap in her croaking warble was really "If You Seekin" with my sensitive ears.

And then there’s the writing. “Oh baby, baby, have you seen Amy tonight? Is she in the bathroom? Is she smokin’ up outside……All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.”

What the "If You Seek."

With all her money, this is the best drivel that her songwriters could come up with? There are no words. The only explanation I have is her songs are now being written by 12-year-old boys.

That must be it.

Brit, call me. I can do better for you and I know nothing about writing music or songs. 

But, today for you, I have composed a little ditty and if you don’t like it, Britster, you can. "If You Seek Off."

Warning: For those easily offended, please read no further. Children and Grandmas- This is as far as you go.


THE BALLAD OF BRITNEY JEAN


Sweet, lovely, no-talent Britney, you’re such a lucky Bitch.
Your White-Trash Momma hoed you out as a tyke
And now your soft-porn act has made you "If You Seekin’" Rich.

You started out, a cute stage kid, warbling in Mickey Mouse Ears
Fast Forward to dirty dancing in Catholic School skirts
The fantasy of pedophiles, Taaa-Daaa- It's Miss Britney Jean Spears!

Your cracked out Kermit voice won you the crown- Queen of Pop
You snagged Justin and rode the charts
In bustiers and hootchie panties, you lap-danced your way to the top.

But, then you wronged Justin until he cried himself a river
Next, K-Fed’s shacking up on your dime
Giving you 2 kids, faster than the Octo-Mom can deliver.

You’re driving all over town with kids on your lap
“That’s how we do it in the South, Y’all!”
Talking to Matt Lauer, creating quite a bad rap.

Justin’s bringing Sexy Back and dating Jessica Biel
You’re fat, hated, and hitched to K-Fed
And you realize, you got a bummer of a deal.

You pop out K-Fed like he was a bad, swollen zit.
Who woulda thunk it-He wins the kids
And there begins the moment you start to lose your shit.

All over town you start flashing your cooch.
At first, we say, “Oh, she’s just copying Paris.”
And, “She’s just drinking too much hooch.

But then, with razor in hand, you shaved your own head.
I saw that scary look in your eyes
And I thought, “Whoa, our little Britney-girl is brain dead. “

You start "If You Seekin"’ a Paparazzo who’s probly in with Islamic Jihad
Spend your days browsing the 7-11’s
Always accompanied by that sleazy terrorist, photo-takin’ cod.

Smoking cigs, not showering, there’s talk about your stank scent
I didn’t know how much more delish I could take
Until you started wearing pink wigs and talking in an English accent

But then Big Poppa stepped in, saying, “I think I’ll act like a dad.”
Locked you up, straight-jacketed you,
We all sighed with relief, but you were bustin’ mad.

Daddy took over your affairs and fixed you up, no longer that sick joke
You’re our Brit girl, again
Hick, slutty mom, stuffing your kids full of cheetos and second-hand- smoke.

Now you’re back on top and I really, really do hope you succeed
But, first a warning about your squiggly Kermit voice
I will be crying lawsuit, if those “songs” cause my ears to bleed.

La, la, la, la, la, Baby, Oh Baby, Oh.


Today's Forced Download- Gwen Stefani- "Holleback Girl." Now this is how to be a pop star with talent. Brit, take note.  Gwen is beautiful. She keeps her private parts covered. And she writes bright, car dancing grooves with a bit of sass and a ton of imagination. Perhaps, you should start hangin with the Gwen girl, that is if she'll let you around her husband and kids. 





2 comments:

Meghan Landing said...

omg! rolling on the ground laughing! HILARIOUS!

Lula Lola said...

I love this one! I detest her music too. But, couldn't look away when she was pulling all of that foolishness!

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