Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Internet, you might be in for a real treat, today.
This might just be a short post.
I know what you're thinking. I am as capable of writing a short post as I am of catching a pop-up
fly ball in my hands instead of wrapping my arms around my head and squealing when a
ball gets lobbed in my direction.
But, we'll see. The muse is not in me today. She's too distracted.
I am a very sensory oriented person. I'm not big on a lot of noise, unless it's U2 music. That sort
of noise can reach ear-splitting decibels in my opinion.
And I am used to having my home to myself when all the people who live here go their own way
during the day.
Just me and the hounds . . . and the cat . . . and the ducks.
Wow, I just realized it's a messed up life I've got going on here, man.
So anyway for whatever reason, my Hubby has chosen to work from home today and he has
this penchant for freakin' finding me wherever I am in the house when he's on the phone.
And he doesn't talk on the phone. He YELLS on the phone.
I don't know if he thinks it makes his words sound more important. I don't know if he thinks we're
still in the days of crank telephones, "HELLO OPERATOR? CONNECT ME WITH
KALAMAZOO-4835."
I have no idea why he yells. All I know is, I feel sorry for the person on the other end and I want
to take a pillow as he follows me through the house and just smother the life out of him.
For the record, I do not really want to smother my Hubby. His loud talk does not merit murder.
That would be too inconvenient for me. I have too big and busy of a life, taking animals in and out
to the potty all day long.
So, I am in the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet in an attempt to expose myself to less germs
that way, with the fan on and the door closed, hoping to drown out his yelling talky talk. But, since
he is hovering right outside the bathroom door and since the toilet is not the most comfy of perches,
I'm trying to make this short.
Huh, by the looks of things, I've already failed.
Whatever. Here's the post.
A few nights ago, I watched Revolutionary Road. And I am about to do you a HUGE favor,
Internet.
Here's my public service message to you: Mother Of All Things Good And Holy, DO NOT
WATCH THIS MOVIE!
It was one of those movies I kept on watching because it had to get better.
It didn't.
It had so many brilliant elements to it. It was based on a great novel. Sam Mendes was the director.
It had big movie stars.
My first tipoff should have been the critics' reviews. They gushed over it. I should have known right
then I would want to stab my eyes out by the time this movie was over. Critics tend to like eye-
stabbing movies.
It starred Kate Winslett whom I love. And Leonardo DiCaprio, whom I could care less about.
I'm not a big fan of his and I really don't understand his allure. I don't find him attractive which is
weird since I find just about every man alive attractive.
I think it's because the first time I set my eyes upon him was in the movie, What's Eating Gilbert
Grape.
I'm surprised I even noticed Leo at all since the movie starred Johnny Depp. Perhaps it was because
he did such a great job of playing a mentally challenged dude who hated to take baths.
And so now, no matter if he's King of the World or Howard Hughes, I just see a mentally challenged, filth-encrusted man when I look at Leo.
I mean, I like men very much, but I'm no weirdo perv.
This movie is about a married couple in the 1950's who are living a regular old life in suburbia with
2 kids and a house on Revolutionary Road which is quite symbolic.
For whatever reason, Kate Winslett is very disturbed that they are living an ordinary life. She always thought of them as revolutionists before they got married.
I'm not sure why. The film does not explain this. It just shows them smoking like chimneys and
guzzling down cocktails at a party when they first meet. I don't see anything revolutionary about
that. From the looks of my parent's photos from those days, that was all anybody ever did.
Kate spends most of the film weeping profusely as she does her household chores.
Nothing new about that, either. That's a usual day in my world.
She also spends the entire movie shouting at Leo, telling him he's not a man because he has accepted
a life of going to a regular old job every day and providing for his family.
Pretty shameful, I think. I am incredibly grateful to my Hubby and the life he provides for us.
Although, I could do with a lot less of the yelling phone talk.
She then gets it in her head that in order to be happy they need to sell everything they have and move
to Paris so that Leo can find himself by sitting around all day contemplating who he is, while she
gets a job and supports the family.
And according to her, the ONLY place he can find himself and become a man again is in Paris.
Now, I'll admit I've had days where I feel a little lost. I've had my fair share of questioning my
purpose here on this earth.
But, I certainly don't have to go to Paris to find out the answers.
I'm pretty sure the beach-side Ritz Carlton would work just as well.
The only time in the movie Kate likes Leo is when he agrees to sell the house and all their crap and move to Paris with her.
It would be about this time in the marriage that I would be like, "You know, maybe YOU should
go to Paris. Go eat some organ meats and send me a postcard when you find yourself. Address it to
the Ritz Carlton. See ya, Crazy."
But, not Leo. All he cares about is making her happy, no matter how much she verbally castrates
him and refuses to sleep with him unless he sells all their crap and moves to Paris.
And the thing is, he doesn't even realize he was lost in the first place! He's fine with going to work
all day and having a life with 2 kids who you never see throughout the movie. In fact, he's all set for
a big promotion at work and he has to turn them down even though he doesn't want to, because he
has to go to Paris to find himself even though he doesn't think he ever lost himself.
Now, if that isn't stab your eyeballs out material, I don't know what is.
Compounded with the fact that he's sleeping with a secretary that he doesn't care about.
And Kate has a one night stand in the front seat of a car, (And for the record, I don't think there is
a much more uncomfortable place for sex), with their best friend and neighbor who is a total serial
killer looking creepster. He spends his days chain-smoking with a cocktail in hand while standing
in his back yard staring at Kate's house. She doesn't notice he's got this serial killer fixation with
her because all she does is walk around in this "I want to go to Paris" trance.
So, you add that to the mess.
And THEN, because it's not awful enough, Kate finds out she's pregnant again because of the one
time she let Leo touch her, when he said, "Yes, I'll sell everything and move to Paris."
Kate suggests they get rid of it, so they won't add another invisible child to the family, but they have
to do it before she is 12 weeks pregnant and she is like 10 weeks.
It's about this time that Leo actually acts like a man for the first time and puts his foot down, telling
her they need to have their baby and he needs to accept the job promotion.
Oh, and Kathy Bates is a realtor and friend of theirs in the movie and she has a husband and a
grown son who's just gotten out of electroshock therapy in an insane asylum. When Leo and Kate announce their plans to move to Paris to them, the loon of a son is all, "Well, of COURSE, you
have to move to Paris! You are the only people on the planet who know what they're doing."
The demented son's declaration is all the confirmation they need that their Paris plan is a sound one.
After they change their plans and announce they're not going to Paris thanks to the pregnancy and
Kate is sitting in the corner in her trance, the psycho starts screaming at Leo telling Leo he is indeed,
no man, since he got his wife pregnant and won't move to Paris.
I thought about switching to Dancing With The Stars about that time. I wish I had.
So, when Leo stands up to Kate, they have this huge knockdown drag out fight where Leo cries,
looking exactly like that filthy, mentally challenged kid from days past and Kate runs out of the house into the woods where she spends her night, leaning against trees, smoking it up, drinking and crying.
And all I could think besides, "Please God, make it end!" was "That unborn baby is going to be so
full of promise."
Leo finally passes out from crying. Which was a total relief.
In the morning, he wakes up to Kate standing over him all cleaned up and smiley with her apron in place, asking him how he wants his eggs.
All of a sudden, there's no talk of Paris and no drinking and smoking and crying as she makes his
eggs and pours his coffee and sits down with him asking him about the new job in this scary
Stepford wife tone.
If I ever acted like that or spoke to my Hubby in that June Cleaver sort of way or even made him
eggs, he'd probably get so nervous, he'd flee for his life, thinking a zombie had taken his slacker
wife's place.
But, Leo's so desperate, he doesn't care that the night before she said she truly hated him for getting
her pregnant and copping out on Paris. He just sits there with his mentally challenged goofy smile
on his face and accepts her Stepford wife gig.
So, after she kisses him and sends him to work, she goes into the bathroom and takes out this awful looking rubber hose and you know she's not about to give herself an enema.
The next scene shows her staring out the window, her skin paler than mine, which is about the
color of death and the camera pans down to the ground where you just see blood flowing out of her.
And because it just needs to get more eyeball-stabbing worse, Leo goes to the emergency room
after he gets a call and the serial killer neighbor meets him up there at the hospital. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe in the hopes Kate will have sex with him, again, there on a stretcher in the ER. He's probably thinking it's got to be more comfortable than the front seat of a car, that's for sure.
Leo's all crying, AGAIN and screaming to the stalker dude about how Kate did this to herself. The neighbor excuses himself to go get coffee. But really he's just getting away, so he can start crying,
too.
The pain I was experiencing during this man weepfest was unbearable. I was literally holding my
head up with my hands.
And then the stalker comes back around the corner from crying and Leo is staggering out from the
room, weeping because Kate has died and then it shows Leo running down Revolutionary Road
giving it his best mentally challenged sobs.
Oh, but there's more.
It goes to this scene where Kathy Bates is talking to her husband about what crazy people Leo and
Kate turned out to be. I guess she hasn't met her own son? And she's talking about how Leo moved
with his 2 invisible kids to the city after his wife bled to death and how crazy, crazy, crazy they were
and she's just a yapping away and it shows Kathy's husband of many years pretending to listen to her and then you see him reach up and turn his hearing aid off and her yapping turns to black and he just
sits there in this utter bliss of silence.
And that, my friends, was the movie.
Did you know that Sam Mendes the director, was married to Kate Winslett?
Well . . . not anymore!
They got a divorce this year. And I bet you, it was that depressing shitcan of a movie that did them
in. One of the things Sam said during a press tour for the movie was that when they got home at
night, Kate just wanted to talk about the movie and he just wanted some dinner and a little sports on
the telly.
And let me tell you, if I'd been in charge of that movie, not only would I have not wanted to talk
about it, I would have wanted to shoot myself every single night.
As I tried to sleep, my head was throbbing and then this high pitched ringing started in my ear and
it wouldn't stop. It was just this "EEEEEEE" as images of Leo's scrunched up crybaby face,
flashed through my mind.
And as I drifted off to sleep my last thoughts were, "Great, now I have tinnitus, just like William
Shatner. Thanks to that stupid, stupid movie. Maybe I can sue Leonardo DiCaprio for this."
Supposedly, old Leo burst into mentally challenged tears when Sam yelled cut for the final time.
Join the club, Leo, join the freakin' club.
Today's Definite Download: Another repeat. Which is kind of a shame since there are so many
U2 jewels, many of you probably aren't even aware of like, "One Tree Hill" and "A Sort of
Homecoming" and every brilliant song off of the "Achtung Baby" album.
But, I'm going with, "It's A Beautiful Day". Because Bono is out of the hospital recuperating after tearing ligaments and herniating discs which still sounds awfully fishy to me, ahem, Larry. Edge
says Bono wouldn't go to the hospital at first until he realized his legs weren't working.
Such a typical man.
Anyway, even though the tour has been postponed and even though I am going to be up in
Chicago conveniently when they were supposed to perform again, just waiting for tickets to fall into
my lap a 4th time, it is still a beautiful day. Bono will be fine.
Don't ask me why he's holding his eye like he's taking a vision test in this shot. I have no idea
why. I just think the picture is totally hot.
Lee performed this on American Idol last night and as much as I was gunning him for him to have another "Hallelujah"moment, he just couldn't pull it off.
No one can. There's only one man who can own that song.
A Beautiful Day. For Bono and his back. Rock on, Bono. Rock on.
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town . . .
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out . . .
It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away . . .
I have no idea why he yells. All I know is, I feel sorry for the person on the other end and I want
to take a pillow as he follows me through the house and just smother the life out of him.
I'm surprised I even noticed Leo at all since the movie starred Johnny Depp. Perhaps it was because
he did such a great job of playing a mentally challenged dude who hated to take baths.
For whatever reason, Kate Winslett is very disturbed that they are living an ordinary life. She always thought of them as revolutionists before they got married.
I'm not sure why. The film does not explain this. It just shows them smoking like chimneys and
Nothing new about that, either. That's a usual day in my world.
She also spends the entire movie shouting at Leo, telling him he's not a man because he has accepted
Lee performed this on American Idol last night and as much as I was gunning him for him to have another "Hallelujah"moment, he just couldn't pull it off.
No one can. There's only one man who can own that song.
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48 comments:
I just want to know if your butt fell asleep writing that "short" post.
And I so understand the guys that walk around talking on their phones in loud voices. The guy outside of my office will come in my office to make calls. Sits in the chair and everything. I wish I was House and just tell him to get the hell out of my office.
The movie sounds dreadful. Not one that I would have opted to see anyway.... but after your review, HELL NO! :D
Well, thanks for making my trip to Blockbuster a lot easier. I've been curious about that movie (I like movies wet back in the '50's) but after reading your review of it... yeah, leaving it on the shelf.
A couple all time personal U2 favorites of mine are "Miracle Drug" and "Yahweh". Just sayin'.... ; )
I usually hate movies that the critics rave over. Same with books.
Thanks to your description, though, I will definitely NOT watch this.
I have to admit that I was cracking up when you wrote about the end of Kate Winslet's marriage.
That's an odd pic- it almost looks like it could be someone else's hand/arm in that shot.
LMAO @ your hubby on the phone...It's kinda sorta cute though, right? No? LOL
I have a theory...if the critics rave about a movie..it will blow & I never watch it...if it gets crap reviews, it's gonna be FANTASTIC! It works every time!
THANK YOU for not making this a short post! I am always sad when I get to the end of your amazing stories. Each one is uniquely funny. And I totally agree with you about that stupid movie. All I could say was, well that's 90 minutes of my life that I will never be able to get back. Thanks for the narrative as well, because I had a hard time making any sense of the stupid, stupid movie!
I am cracking up because I think this is your longest post to date.
I was wondering about that movie though, and you are always a pleasure to read.
I agree...don't watch the movie! It's two hours of your life you'll never get back!! The book was much better...
My hubby does the same thing. He is LOUD. He gets so mad when I talk on the phone and tries to watch TV, and I don't yell on the damn phone like he does. It's a never ending arguement over here...
That movie sucked a nut!! I hate that I even wasted the 2 hours watching it! Did I mention it sucked a nut!
And...my hubs screams on the phone too. what the heck...just because he is hard of hearing from all his power tools and lack of wearing earplugs...doesn't mean eveyone else has the same problem.
Seriously, if he is home and the baby is sleeping..I won't even let him get near the phone! His voice travels throughout the whole house!
Loved your "short, succinct" post!
That was a horrible depressing piece of crap movie. I had high hopes for it. But unlike you, I have come to appreciate Leo. He did start out as kind a twerp but he has grown into a fine character actor. did you see him in the Blood Diamonds? He is getting better with age. I predict he could be the next Jack Nicholson or Marlon Brando type.
The last movie that depressed me this badly was Requiem for a Dream.
I never found Leo hot either. Until I saw The Departed. YOWSER! He's such a GOOD GUY in that movie. Hot hot hot.
I didn't want to see this movie, and thank you for clarifying my decision. Yikes! I hate movies like this. I also hate infidelity in all those flicks, like everyone is just out for one little fling with the secretary and then moving forward with their life is no big deal that they stuck their willy (or got stuck) in another person to back to being married.
If this was a short post then I'm glad you didn't write a long one today as your butt would have fallen completely asleep on that toilet seat!
I think I have to explain once again that Bono is all yours but Johnny is mine :-)
First of all, I totally get your beef on your husband. My husband is a yelling pacer on the phone. He can't stay in one place when he yells, he wanders all through the house then gets upset with ME in the room I'm trying to escape from him in, because I make noise and interrupt his phone call. What is that all about?
I read Revolutionary Road before they made it into a movie. The book is no better. I equate reading that book to watching every episode of LOST - something I invested a lot of time in and got ZERO payoff.
You are awesome, but yes, it is absolutely impossible for you to write a short post, so stop trying. I DVR'd that movie & fast-forwarded through about 90% of it. Even that couldn't make it entertaining. Good luck over the summer, once the girls are out of school. You might want to invest in one of those tacky fuzzy toilet seat covers just for the padding.
That movie sounds awful, but I loved your "brief" synopsis of it! One question though - how do you know it was Leo's baby anyway? Didn't she have sex w/ the weird stalker too? Couldn't it have been his?
My hubby yells too. Drives me crazy. Then when he gets off the phone I'll tell him he was yelling and he always makes up some excuse like, "it was a bad connection" or "he was talking loud too - I think he couldn't hear me" Mmmm hmmm......sure.
WHAT is going on with you that your posts are getting more and more awesome???
If that was not THE BEST movie review I"ve ever read.
The world needs to see this one, people, the world!!
Can't you do something about that, Ms. JoAnn?
OUT OF THIS WORLD RIVETING.
No lie.
It is pure talent that can turn such a crappy movie into such an entertaining blog post! I'm not crazy about Leo, either. (Tho he was fairly good in Blood Diamond).
I get what you're saying about your husband. How come they can't see their faults with a magnifying glass, but use a microscope to pick ours apart? lol
LOL. You should write from the toilet seat all the time!! (Not that you need to...this was just so awesome...um...how do I get myself out of this??)
I don't understand the whole Leo attraction either, never have, or his friend George for that matter.
Guess I'll scratch this movie off my bucket list.
Ummm Joann, did you write that entire SHORT post sitting in the bathroom???
That's one movie I will never need to see...thanks!
And I agree about Lee...think Crystal will win?
Thanks for wasting your time on that movie so I didn't have to. Is that all for real? Some Hollywood execs were sitting around for that pitch meeting and thought it sounded like a winner? So they got Academy awarding winning actors to step up and make the film. What kind of koolaid are they drinking? I want to poke my eyes out with a stick just for enduring the synopsis (which totally rocked, by the way). And I am there with you on the Leo disdain. I forgot about Gilbert Grape. Not my favorite actor. But Mr Depp on the other hand....
Enjoy the day!
Erin
Wait. Are you saying what I think you're saying? That Sir Leo is NOT a filthy, mentally challenged child? Are you SURE? I could have sworn.
I think you should post more movie recaps. Although I do miss hearing about the crapheads.
BTW, Johnny Depp looks weird in that photo from Gilbert Grape. Could it be ... has he had (ahem) work done???
Dear Joann,
You must know that your story made me laugh out loud! I hope that makes the pain of having watched it a little better.
I absolutely will be adding "shitcan" to my vocabulary!
With the hubs in Iraq and me being bored, I almost watched this movie. I'm glad I didn't as I probably would have flung myself in front of a bus. And hammocks are a very uncomfortable place to have sex.
Well, the announced that the U2 concert I should be attending one week from today has been postponed to "the summer of 2011". OUCH. Stupid Bono's back. (Not stupid Bono, that would be sacreligious.)
Also, it took me a long time to remember Revolutionary Road, but I knew I had seen it. But the more you described it, the better my memory became and then it hit me...
Yep, I totally loathed that movie.
And the ending?! What was up with that? Lame, lame.
Yeah, I couldn't get through that movie, so you did a helluva lot better than I did. I heard the book was wonderful though.
I'm a big one for mindless comedies. The world is depressing enough. Although, I loved "Precious." Go figure...
I thought a while back that I maybe might possibly someday want to see that movie, even though I agree with you completely about Leo...I just don't get it at all. Except I did like "Catch Me If You Can" with him and Tom Hanks. However, thanks for saving me the $4.99 rental of Revolutionary Road. It sounds excruciating.
If you love Kate Winslet (like I do), you should see The Reader. I loved that one.
I want my money back, as you promised a short post :D
Good lord, that movie sounds like a downer. I can't believe she DIES!!! How much more depressing could it possibly get. I followed along intently to your synopsis..I hate to say it but I might just be the type to come up with that idea to go to Paris yet my husband would not be like Leo. He would put his foot down and I'd still be here in the good 'ole US of A weeping over doing chores kinda like I do now.
I have a couple of thoughts here. First I will NOT see the movie or read the book, but your recap was quite amusing.
Next..Is your butt asleep. Mine would be if I wrote this whole post sitting on the toilet, even if it was closed.
And..is your husband gone alot? We may be married to the same man. I try to tell him having the actual phone saves us from the need to holler across town at people.
OH! I am so glad you reviewed this movie in your own fabulous way! I am sure I had a better time reading your review than I would have had watching it!
Thanks for the short post. Ha! "see ya,crazy!" hahahaha.....Lauren
I too watched that movie because it should have been so good...but it was just depressing!! That whole movie just had the wrong stuff.
I thought of you while Lee was signing "Beautiful Day." As much of a Lee-Lover as I am I questioned that choice. I won't pretend to be the biggest U2 fan in the world, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that song! I agree, there is only one man who can sing it.
I want to be like that "Eat, Pray, and Love" chick who just took off for a year to "find" herself. She's my ideal...I don't need Paris or a spouse to do it...Just enough money and lack of responsibility. Please remove the spittle from this comment. Thanks.
The sound of that movie was way too indulgent. Never wanted to see it. Bleech.
When Lee started to sing Beautiful Day, Terra turned to me and said, "What do you think Joann will think of his choice here?" And then he totally blew a gorilla singing it and I thought it was over for him.
He did nail it when he sang it at the end of last night when he won.
For the record, I think Crystal was robbed.
Thanks for the warning, Joann. It's been playing on cable a lot recently and it's so stinking hot here in MD all you can do is watch movies and wait to evaporate. Now I know to find something else to watch.
We saw that movie and we couldn't agree with you more. It was painful to watch, yet so critically aclaimed. Tyler said that he will never get those 3 hours back and I concurred.
Except Babel still tops our charts as the worst movie ever made. We actually use Babel as a verb to express to each other in our own way how something is so terribly awful,
"That outfit is so Babel"
Do you see how we use it?!
I am a total celebrity gossip junkie even though I feel sorry for the and their paparazzi, but I still eat up the gossip, so when i heard about the divorce of Sam and Kate I totally thought what you did. That hellish movie did them in.
Also I love you new pic as Bono's wife!!!
Hey we were both commenting at the same time on each other's blogs!! How cool is that!
So you wrote about a crappy movie from the can? Doesn't that strike you as ....BRILLIANT?
:-)
Very entertaining post, I think you have a niche for bad movie reviews.
Hi! I found you through blog frog, and my goodness, I am so glad that I did! Your title was irresistable, and your recap of the movie was hysterically funny (not the content of the movie, just the description of Leo...loved the pic of him from Gilbert Grape!)
Thanks for sparing me two hours of my life! I didn't really want to watch that movie anyway.
That has got to be the FUNNIEST movie recap I have EVER read. You need to read that on Saturday Night Live during the news show! And in the end... getting to william when I had forgotten all about him. You are a genius. Leo might cry over you.
I haven't seen the movie. The book nearly made me want to hurt myself, and I really like my life!
I cannot imagine two more miserable characters. And I love Kate Winslet! Never got the Leo thing. I'm guessing she didn't either, or else, she would have scooted over a little so he could have fit on that door in Titanic.
Thank you so much for making sure I never ever even think of renting that movie! God, I hate to even spend the $1 Redbox fee on a crappy movie, not to mention the couple of hours I could have spent doing something productive like trying to get one of my dogs to speak Spanish and make a Yorkie Taco Bell commercial or something. You're right -- usually when the movie reviews are great, we hate them! What is that???
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
I'm all teary myself after finishing this post -- and not Leo man-weepy. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
Thank you. Great way to kick off my Friday night!
Alyson
www.commonsense-dancing.com
I clicked in because I read "Short Post" and I KNEW there was no way in hell you could do it. No F*#kng way, Joann. And that is precisely why we love you. But I'm gonna have to come back and finish. I've learned to scan all the way to the bottom regardless of what you say on top:-)
You fail at "short post" hahahaha. You win at making me laugh and you're not the first person that says that about Revolutionary Road but still.... I HAVE TO WATCH IT. I'm psycho that way.
I tried to be all book-snobish and decided to read it vs. watching the movie. I chose poorly.
At least your pain was over in a couple of hours. For the life of me, I cannot just stop a book, even if I want to poke my eyes out as I read it.
My ability to see barely survived this "gem." Maybe I'm not enlightend enough, but it sucked.
My unprofessional opinion, of course.
U2 rules. Leo, not so much.
That movie sounds awful...thanks for that. Now I know I don't have to watch it. :)
Hope your butt didn't die!!
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