And In The End, It's All About The Teeth
Monday, May 24, 2010

I am not posting today. 

No, I'm not. 

For so many reasons. 

I'm not posting because I am sitting here reeling over the news that Fergie, not Fergie of the 
unfortunate face and Black Eyed Peas, but Fergie the Duchess? Or perhaps the Countess? Or 
maybe a Lady? Oh, you know, the redhead who was married to Prince Andrew, the only one of Britain's Royal Family that doesn''t look like an inbred. That Fergie tried to sell handsome Prince Andrew out to the press. They've got her on tape shoveling the fistfuls of cash into her briefcase, 
so there's no denying it.

When the royal family is taking bribes from the tabloids, what is wrong with the world?

Elegance is learned, my friends. 

And speaking of, I am also not posting today because this vile song has embedded itself in my brain 
and like a mutant computer virus, I can't get rid of it. I tossed and turned all night trying to banish 
the ghastly echos of Countess Luann's, "Oh Yeah's" out of my ears. 

I am also not posting today because my hubby's 85-year old uncle paid us a visit last night. 

We call him Uncle. Just plain Uncle. He's my Hubby's only uncle, so I guess the family just found 
it too much work to have to actually pronounce 2 names. So, he's just Uncle. 

He brought some arm candy and some chocolate candy. 

The box of chocolates was for me. And after returning from dinner, my hubby ripped the box 
open and my family including yours truly, pounced upon that chocolate and proceeded to devour the 
entire box. 

The entire box. 

I can feel those chocolates making themselves at home on my thighs as we speak. So, I don't have 
time to post because I will be doubling up on my workout today. 

I am also not posting today, because the arm candy on Uncle's arm has caused me some serious 

Uncle is a Playah in his senior citizen community because he can be. He's a man. I think he's one of
the 3 still standing in his town of golf carts and support hose for both men and women. 

He recently broke up with his girlfriend of 40 years. 

I am not making this up. 

And he has discovered the heady pleasure of escorting the unlimited bevy of single ladies about the town. 

Last night he had, let's call her Heather, upon his arm. Because, Heather just seems to work for a 
75-year-old chick. 

Over cocktails, Heather told me she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of 7 years. Her story astounded me. She was scheduled for open heart surgery and she'd told her boyfriend that under no circumstances was he to come visit her while she was in recovery. 

You see, he'd never seen her without her teeth. 

I could not make this up if I tried. 

But, when her eyes fluttered open, she saw him standing over her. She yelled through her drug- 
addled haze for him to get out of the room. Over and over, "GET OUT!"

Well, he did alright. 

As she recovered in her hospital bed, she got reports from all the single ladies that the very next 
night he was at the square dancing dance swinging another partner round and round. 

Heather said she thinks he must have mistook her "Get out of my room so you don't see my 
flappy gums!" with a "Get out of my life and find yourself another square dance partner."  

She was taking it pretty good, though. She said she didn't need a man who was going to up and 
leave her at the sight of a prune mouth. After all, there were 2 other men to pursue. 

That story weighed stonily in my heart and as I drifted off to sleep last night, the thought came to me: 

So, this is what it will come to. 


Perhaps, now my Hubby will stop getting so annoyed with my penchant for flossing constantly. 
Perhaps he will now see the wisdom in the cases of dental floss strewn about my car. 

But, there's a chance all the flossing in the world won't help. The tooth fairy might come for all my 
teeth, if she's in a bitchy mood.

As I ran my tongue over my teeth, drifting in between wake and sleep, I could only pray that my 
Hubby is not a tooth man. 

I have no idea. I've never asked him.

But, Heather put some serious doubts in my soul. 

And then, there is the tingling that is also keeping me from posting. 

Last night, as our guests spruced up the conversation with talk of who died this week and who is 
still kicking it, in their land of shuffle board tournaments and sliced beets, they spoke of Gus who 
had just died from . . . 

No one could remember. 

As Heather so eloquently put it, "We can't even have pets anymore because we'll forget them in 
the car and they'll boil to death. It happens all the time, you know."

So, anyway. 

The disease was eluding them as they went through the litany of most common diseases in their 
blue-haired community. 

And then the conversation took a turn like no other. It's best if I just replay it for you.

Uncle: "It's the baseball disease." 

Heather, "Yes! That Louis Gossett, Jr. one."

Uncle: "No Louis Gossett, Jr. has the prostate, like I do."

From what I understand, in their swinging, square dancing colony, all prostate trouble is classified 
under the umbrella title of, The Prostate.

Heather: "Oh, right. For the life of me, I just can't remember . . . "

Me: (Because I am a hypochondriacal expert on all diseases) "You mean, Lou Gehrig's disease?"

Both of them, pointing liver spotted fingers at me, excitedly. "That's the one!"

And then there was the usual patter of who else in Depends Land had befallen this malady and 
the characteristics of this disease, which I will state in all seriousness— Lou Gehrig's Disease is a 
beast of an  illness and it is a horrific way to die. 

I then asked, because I have to, because every hypochondriac fiber of my being always has to 
know, "What were his initial symptoms? What did he notice going wrong."

And Uncle said, "He had a tingling in his tongue."

You know, my tongue tingled like I had a mouthful of Pop Rocks throughout the eternal hours of 
the night. 

Perhaps, it was the fact that I was running my tongue over and over my teeth, whispering a silent 
plea to my choppers to please stay in my mouth. 

I don't know. All I know is between the Countess's campy, "Oh yeah's" ringing through my brain, 
the pounds of chocolate trying to find its home in my flesh, my nightmares of crumbling teeth and 
my tingly tongue, I am very tired. 

So, I'm not posting today for all those reasons. 

And one more. 

I'm on high Google alert awaiting news of the B man. 

No news is scary news. And there has been no news.

Today, there was a 2-line article in the Irish Times saying he'd fallen during rehearsal and injured 
his back and he is now resting after spinal surgery. 

What the hell kind of fall requires spinal surgery? It's not like he was mountain climbing and fell 
off the side of a cliff.  

Did Larry push him off the stage? 

I mean there's got to be some built up resentment there. Larry was the one who started the band by putting a notice up on the bulletin board at school recruiting musicians for the Larry Mullen Band. 
A few dudes showed up at Larry's house including The Edge and Adam Clayton. Larry had appointed himself the singer when as Larry put it, "It was the Larry Mullen Band for about 10 minutes. Then 
Bono walked in and blew any chance I had of being in charge."

Larry has said that he suffers from back problems for years since being relegated to the drummer. 

I could definitely see him. "You want to know what it feels like to be the drummer in U2? The Mr. Nobody behind Bono? I'll show you!"


Just a scenario. I don't know the reality, because NO ONE IS TALKING and so the best I can do 
is keep up the Google vigil and keep a constant prayer upon my lips. 

Bono, get well, soon. 

And until I hear anything further, all of my downloads will be U2 music. Cause, it's my blog and I 
can do that, ahem, Larry.

Today's Definite Download: "Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" one of my favorites. 

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
You left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt . . . 

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left on a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to 
Then you leave me just out of reach . . . 

Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?

Nobody, Bono. Nobody can ever take your place, so heal that damn back.


Dee said...

Your obsession with Bono is slightly disturbing.... in a cute way.

The story about Uncle and 75 yr old arm candy had me cracking up!

June Gardens said...

I liked Sarah, Dutchess of York. I mean, I had no choice because my A-list princess, Diana, is gone. Plus also too, I once saw Sarah in real life. At a ballet. She had better seats than me. Anyway, this is shocking. SHOCKING. As shocking as the bad eyebrow lift she has apparently had.

Also, I too cannot get that song out of my head, which I think makes it a hit, which is even worse news. My friend.

Alexandra said...

THAT post right there was one of the best you've written. Only ONE of the best, b/c you kick arse like tht.

Every single word was as entertaining as all hells. Oh yeah.

Loved every word. Need to know more....about all of the above.

LisaPie said...

I should have NEVER clicked on that damn song. Where on earth did you find this thing? And more importantly, what is she a countess of? o. m. g. That was right up there in the Top 5 of all bad songs.

Heather sounds like a hoot! Maybe Uncle will keep her around for a while and you can mine that relationship for a few more "gems"! Love it.

Jennifer Vanderbeek said...

At least the Atlanta housewives' song (Tardy for the Party) was actually catchy--LuAnn's is just an earworm.

cheri said...

the arm candy has left me slightly disturbed. i was kinda hoping it'll be as young as your daughter....

haha! :)

Dazee Dreamer said...

75 year old eye candy. lol

Bono, their concert was supposed to begin here in SLC, and they even came and started setting up the stadium. bummer.

I have to disagree on the Fergie thing tho. I want the dish. I have my suspicions about the man, which however/whatever he is doesn't bother me, I just want to hear it. I'm a sucker for such gossip. :)

Lisa said...

Oooohhh.....the thing about Fergie? Shocking!! She always seemed like the "normal" one. How embarrassing for her girls.

Uncle and his arm candy cracked me up! And I did NOT click on the song. I think I'm glad about that!

Heather said...

This is only going to increase exponentially the number of dreams I have about losing my own teeth.
But I haven't been to the dentist in 12 years. Why start now?

Chelle said...

Ugh. All your talk about running your tongue over your teeth made me touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue, and now it won't stop that awful awful tickling.

Shell said...

You totally crack me up!

I don't want to get old. Hopefully, they'll discover some sort of machine/treatment that can stop us from aging.

LMAO @ your scenerio of what could have happened to Bono.

Anonymous said...

I so understand how you feel about your teeth- the tingling is a pain, but i could do with it rather than go to a dentist, oh yes!

duffylou said...

Teeth are a fear for me too. My sister lost hers at 26! Totally her fault. But my parents still have theirs and they are 85 & 88.

My last spinal surgery was a week in the hospital and a week in a rehab facility. They are probably giving him VIP treatment and you'll hear something soon!

Anonymous said...

LMFAO @ hubby being a tooth man!! You totally crack me up!

Uncle sounds like he's full of zest...Hats off to him, I say!

Oh Countess...why do you feel the need to sing? Isn't all the money you have sufficient?

MamaMags said...

Once again,you have me L.A.U.G.H.I.N.G so hard I could pee my pants, if I admitted to being old enough to have that problem. We call the blue haired club people "Q-tips" in my part of the world. The "tingled like you had a mouth full of pop rocks"... hilarious! When I saw the Countess trying to sing on the show, I realized that money can't buy you the ability to carry a tune either. Oh the pain! And methinks she is jealous of the Jill/Bethany past friendship and will do anthing to keep them from being BFF's again. Another post topic for you. Thanks for being my daily dose of making my day better!

liz said...

I love your non-posts. The're just as damn funny as your post-posts.

I think you need to approach the producers of The Hills, and Real Housewives about a possible new reality show. You've got LOTS of good content to work with with these superficial, horny old folks.

Jeannette said...

I so had a dream about losing my teeth last night. Not, I didn't care for them and they fell out... no, it was more like someone punched me in the face and they fell out, minus the punch. It was traumatic and creepy!

Natalie said...

I of course read the entire non-post. However, I've now read Uncle's entire story three times because the fact that he's a playuh is absolutely hilarious!

MrsBlogAlot said...

OMG Joann!!! Only you can not post in this way!

I am still laughing at the Louis Gossett disease...not that it's a joking matter of course...

You know what I mean....I'm off to floss now....and get my cat out of the car.

Anonymous said...

Oh I laughed so, so hard. I don't know what was funniest, the picture of the Duchess of York, the idea (again) of that other countess person signing or the flapping gums. All excellent stuff.

Lula Lola said...

I love the idea of Uncle breaking up with his girlfriend of 40 years! That's good stuff!
I was volunteering in a nursing home and met a woman who was almost 100. She smoked like a freight train, took it up in her seventies.
The old people are a good time, with their prostates and golf carts and what not!
Hoping Bono recovers swiftly!

Mama-Face said...

great not posting there...but what the heck did Fergie do? Or not do? and to whom?

One Photo said...

Your story about Uncle and his arm candy and their various exploits Joann is absolutely hilarious and so brilliantly written. I just loved it.

Rae said...

Thank you for not posting today. I LOVED IT!

Christine Macdonald said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only Bonoaholic. :)

Wild Horses is off of my favorite U2 album (eh, hem.. CD). I used to lose myself on stage to that song. So moving I would tear up on stage underneith my Tawny Ketain Aqua net hair.

I'm glad you didn't post today. I love reading you.


Aunt Becky said...

You can have Bono, so long as I get Dexter and Dr. House. I mean it, BACK OFF THEM.

Renee said...

This past weekend my family from Wisconsin was visiting. It was my grandfather's brother & his wife.

Because my parents couldn't act like adults when I was a child, I don't have a lot of memories of my grandfather. He died when I was 9. I am so very close to my whole family, so not having a lifetime full of one-on-one memories is very painful.

But, here's the funny part...when my grandfather underwent Chemo he lost his teeth. He had dentures, but didn't wear them at he kept them in a clear plastic cup on the top shelf of his desk. My cousins & I were so young then, that we always used to ask to see his teeth. He would take the cup off the shelf & set it on the table so we could stare at them.

It's mildly disturbing, but it's one of a handful of memories that I have. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe it's not so bad for it to all be about teeth in the end.

...who am I kidding?? Of course it is. Lol.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Whew. I'd hate to see how much you'd write if you were actually posting today.

I'm starting to think that a sudden death at 60 might not be the worst way to go.

Suburban Correspondent said...

For myself, I mean...y'all can hang around as long as you like.

Liz Mays said...

I really can't tolerate the arrogance of "The Countess." Did you see that episode where she was sitting there at dinner with a most unusual man clearly making arrangements to sex him up? Eegads!

ProudSister said...

Hilarious! And your download is my favorite song of all time. I'm sure in all of the commotion Bono's wife has simply forgotten to call you. He'll probably make it up to you later, once he's back on his feet.

Trista said...

wow!! Thanks, I really needed a good laugh after today!
I am not shocked in the least about the 75yr old arm candy but I am definitely amused. I once worked as a CNA at a nursing home and my favorite patient was Agnes which by the way is the same name as every other 80 yr old woman there. She also had 2 middle names and 2 last names,lol.
One time she was strolling down the hallway and stopped at 90 yr old deaf Franks room and peered into it. She turned around and with all seriousness looked at me and said "He looks to be about the right age"
I about died laughing, she wanted to have sex with him!!
Prayers and Happy thoughts to Bono and may Agnes RIP.
Thanks for the laugh Joann.

Katie's Dailies said...

Hey don't EVEN blame Larry! His back hurts because he learned to play the drums wrong and every time he's in NYC, he goes to see his chiropractor for healing. Don't go blaming my future husband now (my hubs is cool with Larry as long as he can run away with Mia Hamm or Kathy Ireland)! I think it was the Edge. See, HE really wants all the limelight and the fame. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And what is it with elderly people ( my parents included) and their obsession with illness and death? Every time I visit my mom, the first things out of her mouth are the latest friends who are either sick or are dying or had just died. Kinda worries me.

All right, gotta run. Jack Bauer is about to take over the DVR and I've got some kids to tuck in bed!

pieters said...

i'm soooooooooooo glad you didn't post today. i didn't post today either. ha. peace sistah. lauren

Gigi said...

Having just spent a similar weekend with a bunch of old people, I get this post. totally. Especially the part where YOUR tongue started tingling? yeah. that happens to me all the time - somebody has a symptom of something and i start getting sympathetic pains. My kid comes home from school saying a classmate has lice, and my head itches.

There is a reality show on the W channel I believe, that is called Sunset Daze and it follows the sexual exploits, among other things, of the golden set in Sun City, Arizona. Watch it sometime. Yowza.

Bossy Betty said...

Thank god you didn't post today. You can save your energy for a long post tomorrow.

Love uncle and arm candy.

If you want to talk to HOB, I can arrange it for $5.00 or maybe just a candy bar....

Noelle said...

It's good you didn't post because I wouldn't have had time to read it. Don't all old uncles deserve eye candy???

Alisha said...

Glad you decided NOT to post today! ;)

Loved the stories about Uncle!

Great blog. I'm visiting from Mommy of a Monster. I'll definitely be back!

Heidi - D said...

Oh my! Thank you for the ongoing list of things to giggle at this morning. I am quite certain that my co-workers think I'm crazy, but you are FUNNY!

Also, you have introduced some new fears into my life... So thanks for that as well... I think...

Congrats on the book! That is what brought me here from SITS. You did roll call right above me and I thought that your comment was reason to celebrate with/for a fellow SITSta!!!

Good luck!!!

Julie said...

Ah, from arm candy to Bono...I'm sure glad you decided "not" to post today!

McVal said...

I just went to the dentist yesterday and will in NO way become a prune mouth...
My MIL doesn't let anyone see her without teeth and doesn't want the grandkids to know that she has falsies... They already know and it's no big deal, but in her mind it sure is.

Unknown said...

this post is certainly not helping my obsession with Bono any. i can hear that song in my head now. and i'm drooling.

thanks, girl. omg....he takes my breath away.

Jen said...

I love it when you don't post!

I have a 'teeth' thing. I've had dreams of losing my teeth and I can't date anyone with bad teeth. I don't want to lose my teeth. Old people scare me. The Countess, who really isn't a countess anymore, annoys me more than just about any other human on this planet.

Those are just some of the thoughts I had while reading this post.

Theta Mom said...

I so heart Bono, too. I get it. :)

Meg said...

And here I thought the only way you broke up with your girlfriend of 40 years was by dying...

Venassa said...

Im glad you didn't post about those funny situations. And didn't cause me to make my Hamburger Helper stick to the pot because I got too caught up reading. Cant imagine breaking up with a girlfriend of 40 years. Uncle sounds like quite the character.

Leanne said...

Is it wrong to say "I LOVE YOU" to someone you don't even know? Or to a blog you just read for the very first time??? Holy cow!! I THINK I Love ya!!! Wonderful blog - I laughed and laughed through the whole Uncle story (we have a one name "Uncle", too), and then when you got the Larry pushing Bono off the stage - I really lost it!!! So glad I stopped by - I'm following now, so I'll be back (uh-oh!) ;)

JennyMac said...

Spinal surgery? EGADS. And yes, what kind of fall causes that? Fall from the Empire State Bldg?

Tracie Nall said...

Uncle and! Just wow!
...and now I need to go floss!

I missed the episode where Luann recorded her song, so I thought I would push play and hear it all the way through. It is now stuck in my head....I know, you warned me!

Annah said...

Wait... so this wasn't a post? Looked like a post to me :) Oh... and Fergie with the unfortunate face. Oh no you didn't!

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much now my tongue is tingling.

That's it we are going to die.


You know... we mock the older group and they provide great blog fodder, but someday - we will be them. Heaven help us.

Cari said...

OH My had me literally laughing my ass off over here. Loving the non posts!

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