Friday, June 11, 2010
So, the other day I was very tired and crabby.
And why was I tired and crabby, you ask?
Because, once again, I stayed up entirely too late watching another stupid movie.
Now, this was no Revolutionary Road stupid. But, it had its moments.
My Hubby had asked me with his puppy dog pleading look, if I wanted to watch a movie with
him.
Let me tell you a little somethin' somethin' about my Hubby, Internet: If he could have
permanent surgery that attached us like conjoined twins, he would do it.
That's how much he likes me.
I'm not trying to brag or anything. And I know I shouldn't complain, but sometimes I need
a breather.
I'm no Linda McCartney, wanting to be my husband's side every single second of the day,
so much so, that I joined his band even though I couldn't sing worth a lick or play anything
but a tambourine.
I don't think a tambourine actually qualifies as a musical instrument. It's up there with the kazoo
and the triangle in terms of talent required.
Of course around these parts, we always make the exemption for Bono.
If Bono was my man, I'd be like,"Listen, I can play a mean,"Mary Had A Little Lamb" on
the harpsichord and I can FOR SURE bang it out so much better than Will Ferell on the
cowbell. I am a bad ass on the cowbell. If need be, I can even haul equipment, but I'm sticking
to you like glue, my Irish hottie."
I read somewhere where Paul said in all the years of their long marriage, he and Linda never
spent a night apart except for his 10 days in jail for a little marijuana mishap.
Huh.
My Hubby would like that very much, not the jail time, of course, but the rest of it. If he's not
with me, he's calling me a mazillion times a day just to be all chatty chat.
I am not a phone talker.
But, my hubby after all these years, has not figured that out. Even when I'm silent, he doesn't care.
He'll sit there silently, too. I guess he's just content to hear me breathe?
Anywhoo, my hubby wanted me to watch the movie and so I decided to be nice and join him,
especially when he told me it starred the delicious Jon Hamm. And let me just say, his yumminess
is not because of his last name.
The movie was called STOLEN. And that is exactly what it did. It stole valuable hours of my life
and robbed me of the sleep required for me to be a happy, sparkling person.
It was just this awful story with 2 different plot lines involving 2 boys from different eras who
were both abducted in different decades by the same kidnapper. Jon Hamm plays the father of
one of these little boys.
I had a lot of issues with this movie mainly because of the casting.
First of all, James Van Der Beek co-starred in the movie and as soon as he showed up on screen
with his bushy eyebrows, I said, "There's your kidnapper."
Seriously, he's got a definite creeper look to him. You couldn't get more obvious in casting a
child abductor unless Christopher Walken trounced across the screen.
My other casting problem was with Rhona Mitra who plays Jon Hamm's wife and the kidnapped
boy's mom.
This chick drove me bananas throughout the movie.
Her first scene is a profile shot of her asleep in bed and my only thought was: Holy Guacamole,
those are some fish lips!
I read somewhere that producers often have clauses in actress's contracts dictating no plastic
surgery within so many months of filming because many of these insecure ladies get some
artificial work done right before their movie and end up looking crazy-ass ridiculous during
filming.
Rhona Mitra should have had that clause put in.
I couldn't find any shots of her and her enormous lips from the movie, but trust me when I say
this expression was her only look throughout the entire movie. I don't know what she had done
to get lips the size of intertubes, but it must have paralyzed her mouth. Her mouth was set in a
lemon sucking pucker through the whole movie. Her lips moved, but her mouth could not go
up and down at all. I think wooden Pinocchio could have done a better job of emoting.
Her kid's been missing for 8 years. Frozen pucker.
They find a body. She gets the phone call. Not a hint of sadness on that big guppy mouth.
Jon Hamm comes home from a sweaty jog with his hot, freakin, sexy self and she can't even
manage a come hither smile. Just this straight line grimace AS IF being married to Jon Hamm
was a painful thing. Please!
They find out hairy eyebrowed James Van Der Beek killed their kid. Jon Hamm first punches
Creeper Boy in the face with his big stony bicep, then erupts in a pile of manly tears. And she's there, just as scowly and frozen as Victoria Beckham's giant head.
They find the boy's body and bury him. Frozen-ass pucker as she manages to eek out a tiny tear.
When I cry, my mouth scrunches up in this spazzy, very unattractive way. Nothing from this
she-bot. Her only child is dead by the hands of a kidnapper, but her lips are too gargantuan to
form a grief-stricken expression.
It nearly killed me. I kept yelling, "She is HORRIBLE. She can't move her flabby, frozen
mouth. Look at her. She is ruining the movie. Her child is dead and she's got the same grimace
in every scene!"
Until my Hubby finally yelled back at me to shut up about her mouth because for whatever
reason, he claimed I was ruining the movie for him.
No, Frozen Fish Lips ruined the movie for us all.
Which is not the point of this post at all.
Here's the thing. The next day I was very crabby and becoming crabbier by the second,
thinking about that frozen fish lipped pucker. And on top of it, I had to go to Walmart.
A Walmart trip can make the sunniest of days turn ominous with just the sight of one too many
dimpled asses in stretch pants.
And for the record, someone asked me if my faux Twitter, the overheard in Walmart one,
was true.
Nightmarishly true. And you should have seen the Daddy who only likes the regular KY.
*Shudder*
A trip to Walmart also means getting out of my jammies. And anytime I have to get out of
my jammies for something involving labor, I grow even crabbier.
So, I took my dark cloud and went to get dressed.
And that's when I discovered I had no underwear.
And if you don't want to go any further in this post, I won't fault you, because it's going to
get ugly, Internet.
See, my kids steal everything I own. Everything. Razors, brushes, shoes, jewelry, purses,
tweezers, hair product, makeup, my pajamas, my silk robe, my pens, my iPod, my really
great leftovers from the fancy restaurant I've been so looking forward to eating, and every
other item in my personal possession. If it's mine, they covet it.
I have only 2 sacred things. In other words, they know I will have a "heads will roll"
tantrum, if my laptop or toothbrush are touched.
And they have tried. Yes, they have tried to use my toothbrush.
They are vile, thieving creatures, that bunch.
So, when I saw my underwear was missing, I knew.
And not to be too much TMI folks, but I wear thongs.
Isn't that just about the grossest thing you've ever heard?
Not that I wear thongs, although maybe that is grossing you out, I don't know, but that my
girls steal my thongs and wear them. I would never wear anyone else's thongs.
I just don't understand their lack of limits.
And I don't wear cheap thongs. I wear these crazy-ass expensive ones called Hanky Pankys.
Because once you've tried on a Hanky Panky, there is no going back to regular undies.
Seriously, they are that comfortable. They must sprinkle some magic fairy dust all over the lace
because you slip those pretty little things on and it feels like there's nothing there at all.
So, I am furious because
A) I have to get out of my jammies.
B) I have to venture into the frightening world of Walmart.
C) I have not had enough sleep thanks to a bad actress with frozen fish lips.
D) I have no underwear because my children have stolen them all.
And to top it all off, I couldn't scream at any of them because they were either at work or
at school.
And this is why I have a problem with no texting allowed at school.
Because when you need a pair of underwear, it is an urgent matter. I thought about calling
the school and pulling them out of class, but I wasn't sure if stolen underwear qualified as
an emergency.
So, I threw on my bulky body armor workout underwear and went to Walmart
looking like I was triple my size.
And that, made me even crabbier.
I left a note in giant capital letters, teling my girls to CALL ME the instant I got home.
I was trying to avoid getting run over by the obese woman on the scooter who thought it
her personal right to back up without looking behind her, all of this, while perusing the makeup
aisle in search of my Oil of Olay turkey neck cream, (how I wish they made it in gallon size),
when my phone rang.
My mood was black as the darkest night as I picked up the phone and went off in search of an
isolated aisle to ream out my kids good.
I found my quiet in the bathroom accessory aisle and insisted my kids put on the speaker phone
so I only had to verbally assault them once.
Oh, and here's another special characteristic of my kids besides their kleptomania, they all deny
the thieving and blame each other. They figured out that technique a long time ago. The
advantage to having multiple siblings.
I started out with just an angry hiss, trying my hardest to keep my voice to a forced whisper.
As soon as I asked who had all my underwear, the chorus of the "not me's" harmonized on the
other end of the phone which quickly turned into finger pointing and yelling and the next thing
I hear is the sound of fighting, physical fighting as . . . get ready, they are trying to look down
each other's pants to see who is wearing my thongs.
They are screaming and yelling and there are thumps and crashes and someone's crying and I am
trying to get them to stop fighting and just give back the damn underwear while I am standing
there with my cootie covered shopping cart pretending to look at soap dishes in the middle of
Walmart.
After an enormous crash and subsequent screams and then the chatter of magpies, which is
the part I hate the most, when they just come at me rapid fire in their panicked thousand word
a minute, I'm-gonna-rat- on-my-sister-before-she-gets-it-out-first speak and all I can hear are
3 little voices like semi automatics gunning at my brain and I'm in freakin Walmart, in
thick-ass underwear and I'm missing my Hanky Panky's especially the pink ones and I'm
picturing ole' Frozen Fish Lips who probably always knows where her underwear is and
probably has people who go to Walmart for her and she doesn't deserve to be that
pampered because she is a bad actress with a frozen face and in that minute, I just broke
and yelled into the phone:
"I DON'T CARE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS WEARING MY THONGS! JUST TAKE
THEM OFF AND PUT THEM ALL BACK IN MY DRAWER NOW! NOW! NOW!
ISN'T IT ENOUGH YOU STEAL EVERYTHING I OWN? YOU HAVE TO STEAL
MY THONGS, TOO? GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR AND PUT
THEM BACK IMMEDIATELY."
I didn't realize I was yelling out such a disturbing, unseemly proclamation until 2 women
instantly peeked around the corner with a mixture of curiosity, horror and disgust on their
faces.
I sure hope they're not on Twitter.
That awful moment will forever mark the day I became one with the People of Walmart.
For the record, I have some of my thongs back. The pink ones are still among the missing.
Thank God for the sanitary cycle on my washing machine.
Today's Definite Dowload: "Dead Man's Rope" by Sting. A little known song of his, but one
of my favorites. And it fits for today, because pretty soon, I'll be at the end of that dead man's
rope when all of my possessions are gone, and I am left with nothing, not even underwear.
Huh.
The movie was called STOLEN. And that is exactly what it did. It stole valuable hours of my life
and robbed me of the sleep required for me to be a happy, sparkling person.
Seriously, he's got a definite creeper look to him. You couldn't get more obvious in casting a
child abductor unless Christopher Walken trounced across the screen.
They find a body. She gets the phone call. Not a hint of sadness on that big guppy mouth.
Because once you've tried on a Hanky Panky, there is no going back to regular undies.
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57 comments:
You just gave me a revelation: I'm not really fat - it is my fat-girl-non-thong-granny-panty that adds untold width to my girth....right!?? Right!
I love the way you write. It explains the 270 followers. Women of semi-word? No. You are a woman of ever-changing word and that's cool. Revolutionary road sucked. Your hubby could be hanging on you cuz of the thongs. I'm just saying,..Paul might not have ever been away from Linda. Perhaps he was so stoned, he just imagined it. Oh - and congrats of joining "The People of Walmart."
I refuse to wear thongs, but you almost sold me on the Hanky Pankies until the part about your daughters trying to wrestle each other out of them. I have three daughters who, I hope more than anything in the world, will never covet, steal or fight over my Hanes Her Way cotton briefs.
Also, I can't stop laughing at the look on Dawson's Creek's face!
You know I love you, but if I heard you yelling that,I would have pointed and laughed.
I must try some of those underwear, though. I've heard so much good about them.
If you are looking for a movie that isn't a waste of time, watch Law Abiding Citizen. It would be worthwhile even if Gerald Butler didn't strip down and give us a full view of his fine ass.
OOh, Law Abiding Citizen is... sigh! great!
And guess where we're off to at this very minute? I'll be sure to look for you in the bath section! ; )
You have to be on YouTube now. SOMEWHERE.
I have added you to my blogroll because a. laundry hurts my feelings too and b. you're just so darn funny!
Joann! You are amazing. No, no, A-M-A-ZING! Really. (I'm thanking Noelle again, for introducing me to you!)
I've been in a crabby mood all day, with a splitting headache and you had me go get a pack of 2 minute noodles and sit down happily, while you read this post out in my head!
A big hug to you. (Would you hate me if I hug the thieves too because they provided blog-fodder??)
There is definitely such a thing as too much sharing. Underwear, toothbrushes, and glasses of iced tea.
And I gave up WalMart shopping. Ethical reasons first, and then I was trying to not buy things made in China. That pretty much rules Wally World out!
Thanks for the movie review. I will make sure I never watch that crap.
Good post, Joann! Entertaining as always.
I've never worn a thong before, I would never ever ever where someone else's thong, related or not, but maybe, just maybe one day I will try that brand since you gave them two thumbs up.
and really those bushy eyebrows are super creepy but he is still the dawson's creek boy next door, so I don't think I would have pegged him for a killer. One movie I will now never have to watch though! Thanks for the tip off!
Bless your heart and your thongs.
I'm not much on thongs myself but a coworker once put it this way: you can 5 inches of fabric up your butt or 1, take your pick.
Yep. You are one of the people of Walmart now. Oh, and FASHION FLASH I believe you can wear your jammies to Walmart. I have seen people there in them.
Thanks for the movie review! Excellent as always!
By the way--Have you asked the dogs about the disappearance of the things?
This whole thong thing is just scary.
O.M.G. This is HILARIOUS!
My husband is the same exact way, and it drives me nuts because i pretty much HATE tv, and he's always wanting me to snuggle and watch..the NBA finals or something. AHHHH! Reason number two why I can't be a serious writer.
I do not, however, wear thongs. too scary for me. I don't believe you. They can't be comfortable.
Oh my God, I laughed so hard. I could just picture your kids fighting, trying to look down each other's pants! I can't wait to tell my sister about this post! She'll laugh her butt off!
P.S. Hanky pankies probably don't look good on a fat girl. I guess I'll have to stick to my semi-granny panties.
Excuse me! LOL! LOL!!
I went home at lunch and told my husband the underwear story. When I told him you wear a lot of thongs he immediately cut me off and said "Thongs? Sexy mom!" I think you gave him hope that I won't stop the thong wearing any time soon.
Oh, how I wish I would have been there at Walmart when that all was going down. lmao.
I'm so glad I found you on LOL! This post is even funnier. I knew I had to follow you! Thanks for bringing me to tears of laughter!
And this right here, my friend, is why I am glad you are back from your haitus. Pure gold.
ha ha ha. I lied. This is my favorite post ever. I wish I could send you a picture of my lips, though. They look a lot like that but not as good and there was no botox involved. Racial intermingling back in the day I suspect. At least that is what M said in third grade. Not in those exact words. Anyway. I found this on twitter. You are so busted:
IHEARTWALMART: a middleaged women in Walmart, Florida was screaming in her I-phone about her stolen thongs today. And something about fish lips.
YO>
Hilarious! I wonder if some of the looks you got were because people thought you were talking to a thong stealing, wearing husband?!?
I kinda can't believe they don't mind wearing someone else's underwear?!?! I could never bring myself to do that. I think it's awesome you put up a photo of them!
Now for Jon Hamm...are you a Mad Men fan then? We LOVE Mad Men!
LMAO! I adore you!
I don't blame hubby for wanting to be conjoined..you rock!
James V.B. is totally fug..I can't even stomach watching him..so I'll def. skip on this movie fo sho!
MUST try those panties..not yours of course, as you've been traumatized enough, I say! lol
Smooches!
OMG this is so freakin hilarious! I love the way you told your story. I'm not a fan of going to Walmart either....Walmart around here is ghetto....but it sounds like that's just Walmart EVERYWHERE! And the parking...I won't even start on the parking. Same with Sam's Club, no wonder they're owned by the same company!
Oh thongs...yeah that would be a no-share zone...even with family...silly kids!
As the youngest of 3 sisters who were born a year apart, I now know what my poor mom went through.
My kids school doesn't allow texting but that's never stopped me when I need to yell at them via text. Of course, then they don't answer the little brats.
Congratulations on winning the inflatable fruitcake. Yes, I'm bitter with jealousy.
O, no, you di-in't !!
Twitter??? You did twitter???
How the heck did you limit yourself to 140 characters??
Did it put you in a frozen earthworm lips coma to do that????
if you're daughters took your undies and they're slim, then you must have a hot body. i'm just sayin'...
:)
Because your posts are always so funny, sometimes I play a little game with myself called, "See how long you can hold out before you literally Laugh Out Loud!" I smirked at Bushy Eyebrows = Kidnapper. But you had me at Holy Guacamole Fish Lips. And then I was howling at you turning into one of the People of Walmart. Excellent!!!
I love it!
Now I'm totally going to watch the frozen fish lip lady movie.
I'm glad I'm not the only "person of Walmart". Although, I wish I had a good excuse, like you.
After reading this, I am also thankful there are no more children in my house. If I go out without underwear, it's just because laundry not only hurts my feelings, it calls me bad names.
lawsamercy you slay me. stealing someone's underwear is sick. sick i tell you.
and i hate walmart, too. which apparently i get to visit today.
sigh. but i may laugh the entire way through just thinking of you.
lauren
Okay - because of you I have now:
googled 'hanky panky' intimate apparel
discovered a huge list of crap I need to buy at the evil and corrupt Wal-Mart
missed when my daughters were stealing my important crap
made plans to have dinner with the worst offender-daughter
Great and funny post and may I please say I LOVE PAUL MCCARTNEY!!
I keep hearing about Hanky Panties. Are they really worth it? Because my Gap thongs and Target thongs aren't cutting it and I keep having to replace them.
I agree---I would NEVER wanna wear someone else's undies, ESPECIALLY a thong.
love that you were yelling about it in the middle of wal mart. ROFLMAO!
Oh sweet Baby Jesus you made me laugh.
My son steals my Aveda dual pressed powder to cover his zits.
It is like $28 and I guess he overheard me saying it was a miracle cover up so now I have to search his room all the time.
I guess I would worry more if he stole my thongs, especially since I don't wear thongs.
But I totally get the stealing everything I own thing.
When we were growing up, my 3 younger sisters stole all my good clothes and wore them and since they went to school later than me and got home before me, they would hang them back up all stained and stinky and lie when I asked who dun it.
And my husband is exactly the same way!
He calls me and if I don't answer the cell or the house phone, he calls the kids to see if I am ok.
And it isn't a creepy control thing, he just "wants to hear about my day" all day long. Jeesh, I am not nearly that interesting!
I'm dying over here in my neck of the world...and Jason is wondering what the heck is so funny.
I might go out on a limb and say this is my favorite post yet...
I might I said, I'm still thinking about it.
Love ya lady!
Oh how I've missed you my friend!! I had the crappiest morning ever, and this post just perked me right up - I was even laughing out loud!!
I remember growing up and my sisters stealing all of my stuff - I'm guessing when the twins get old enough to do so, they will too ;)
And as for your WalMart story? Priceless!
So glad I have boys. I'll be really disturbed if they start stealing my undies.
Freaking funny.
first, James Van Der Beek has the largest forehead I have ever seen. I do not understand why he accentuates it.
Second, your kids need an intervention. stat. on those thongs. I have not tried Hanky Pankies, but I wear the Lacie thong by VS and they are similar. and very comfortable. And I would have to go postal if my daughter stole them.
Third. We all become the people of WalMart once in our lives. Anyone who says they haven't is lying. :)
Missed your posts and glad to find you in my reader tonight!
oh. and my husband likes me way too much, too.
Firstly, Best post title... ever!
Secondly, did you ever tell us what movie it was?
Thirdly, Van Der Beek is a prude. What has he done lately except appear on this blog for being a prude?!
Walmart scares me.
I know that you can wear those Hanky things because you have no hips. I am jealous. I wish I had no hips.
Rod would love it if I wore little skimpy panties, but I call it punitive underwear. He wouldn't be caught dead in skimpy underwear. Besides, I think I am too old to wear the same kind of undergarments that a teenager wears. Of course, I would expect it from you, because you carry a bra in your purse. hahahahaha!
I certainly can relate on the time issue and oh so very much to the Walmart disdain!
Glad my kids are grown and gone, for sure.
My husband is the same as yours. If he's not sitting on my lap, he's calling me on the phone. And if I don't answer my phone(because I lose it constantly) he calls all of my friends and uses their phones to talk to me. Doesn't matter that I tell him we're ordering lunch and hinting that I'm kinda busy. He wants to talk about what I'm ordering.
We're probably pretty lucky girls, even though it can be a little odd. I swear, I've teased him that he'd crawl right up and make a cozy little nest right in my uterus if he could. He likes the closeness!
I'm googling the Hanky pankies!
Omg, every time I read your blog I see why Laura at TGNDGU says you will be famous soon, more famous that is. What a tremendous sense of humor.
That Hamm guy is my idea of a hunk.
OMG!!! I laughed and laughed at this one! Especially picturing all your girls trying to look down each other's pants to see who's wearing mom's hanky pankies! And yeah, borrowing a thong? Eww. I so feel your pain. I have two teen girls and NOTHING is mine. NOTHING. Couple it all with fish lips girl and you just made my day!
thanks for understanding about the grief of a time stealing movie. Time that you will not only never get back, but will continue to haunt you. I also feel I should go wake my 4 year old up and warn her never to steal my underwear.
Get serious, please. Joann, I must know where I can buy Hanky Panties.
Don't leave me hanging like this.
And I love Bossy Betty's comment, and I believe she's right: you can wear pj's in Walmart. (or is that KMart?)
I'm late getting to the party because I had a crazy weekend from hell, but I finally made it to your blog - and it was definitely worth waiting for!
First, I loved the movie review! Again. Thanks for saving me from that one.
Second? Oh my gosh - the stealing drives me batty. I can't have anything. Although, I must say that my underwear hasn't been stolen. Yet. That was a funny, funny story. Probably funnier for your readers than it was for you...but still! Thanks for the chuckles.
I am SOOO glad someone else thinks Linda McCartney was a fool for trying to be a member of "Wings".
This is the BEST movie review I've ever read in my life. You are my new hero.
And where do you get Hanky Panky's? I've never met a comfortable thong before. MUST HAVE!
Ok let me tell you two things: Hanky Pankys are TatterProof and that Rhona whoever person is THE MOST PRETENTIOUS FREAK EVER. I saw her at Whole Foods and she had that vibe of Even If We Were All In a Lifeboat Together I'd Throw You All Overboard. Thank you for th is HILARIOUS post. I bust a gut.
ok, joann---in your honor, i went to Nordstrom's today and bought some Hanky Pankys. will let you know my verdict. p.s. do you wear low rise, middle, or regular? and are they really one size fits all? do you hand wash them?
I'm mentally cursing - I hadn't made it back until now to read this hilarious post, because I got sidelined over at the Revolutionary Road hilarious post.
If I had read this before the beatdown that was dinner/bathtime/bedtime, I would have been a happier mother knowing that with pnly two boys, at least THIS would never be me.
Then again, I imagine there has been a woman in Walmart yelling at her son to give back her thong.
Off to search YouTube...
LOL! All boys in my house so thankfully all of my underwear are present and accounted for...unless my husband is feeling frisky.
The blue ones actually look kinda nice on him.
(-'
Thank you for the hysterics before I even finished my morning coffee! WOW! Now I want some hanky pankies! I've lost weight, so I deserve it, right? And my daughter doesn't WEAR underwear, so no problem! (OK I am working on that one.. she is only nine) Where do you GET your movies... oh yea, Walmart. You gotta watch something else! We watched Shutter Island - LOVED it. I don't think anyone wore thongs in it.
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