I Might Just Have Killed A Spammer Accidentally . . . Kind Of
Monday, July 26, 2010

Before I get into today's post, I've got a few things I need to mention. 

First off, my shoes and I had a smashing time at my reunion. Oh, so much fun and you'll 
be happy to know, I did not find myself in the backseat of a Camaro with a case of 
Charmin and a baseball bat. Yes, I know, such a relief. 

And everyone looked fabulous, in fact, too fabulous. The girls in my class look amazing 
and it made me kind of nauseous, actually. And of course, the pics don't help matters. 
I'm not sure why, but for the last few years, I've started taking the worst pictures. My eyes 
are always closed in almost every single shot. My guess is my light eyes are very sensitive 
to the flash. My hubby says it's a Pavlovian response. The minute I see a camera, he says 
my eyes slam shut. So, not only am I in all these pictures surrounded by beautiful women, 
but yeah, I'm the one with the closed eyes. Bummer. 

Now, several folks asked in my last post if I let the ducks swim in the pool. 

See, here's the thing. Ducks are vile creatures with incredible crapping skills. 

Our ducks roam around the backyard freely during the day, staying close to the house. 
I realized early on, they were staying a mite too close, when there was a trail of duck 
poo sliming up the patio. 

The duck compound was then born. They now have a corner of the yard to themselves, 
complete with a feeding trough and a kiddy pool. They love their little ducky camp, but 
every once and awhile, we catch them waddling back up onto the patio and sometimes we 
can't nab them in time. And the next thing we know they're in the pool, terrorizing the 
dogs and yes, crapping.

And because my Hubby is a freak about keeping our pool clean, the ducks are immediately 
banished and a magic concoction of chemicals are poured into the pool. 

So, short answer: No, we don't swim in duck crap. 

On the day I took the pictures, the ducks had found their way up to the patio and they 
were so intent on chasing those horse/dogs off, I grabbed my phone and snapped away, 
which leads to my next bit of business. 

No, I do not have a 2-headed dog. Although, I would LOVE to possess that sort of freak
of nature! Think about the cocktail fodder I would have!

For the record, one dog was standing on one step and the other dog was just below her.

And now that we have everything cleared up when it comes to duck crap and 2-headed 
dogs, on with the post. 

I get my fair share of spammers, I'm sure just like the rest of you. Everything from low 
cost drugs to Viagra to penis enlargements, to oddly—discounted rates on the movie, I 
Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  

I wouldn't even take that movie, if someone shoved it into my hands and told me it was
free. But maybe there's a big market for crap-ass Adam Sandler movies. I don't know. 
I'm always out of the loop when it comes to pop culture. 

Lately, I've had a large number of foreign women coaxing me to open my mind and my 
heart to love because love should know no boundaries, especially when it comes to foreign 
women with terrible spelling and grammar skills who inhabit dating sites I've never heard of. 

And you would not believe how many poor women have lost their filthy rich husbands in 
fiery car accidents. They send me letters all the time. I'm not even sure how they all find 
me, but they do. And like the ladies who want me to open my heart, these rich widows 
also have the writing skills of a 2nd grader. You would think their rich husband would 
have hired them a tutor somewhere along the line. But hey, I'm not one to judge. 

Anyway, there is this epidemic of bad spellers whose husbands have all died and now 
their wicked families have cut off these poor women off from their husband's money. 
And these victimized women each, coincidentally, have one daughter and now they 
have no way of taking care of their poor little girl. 

It's awful, because these dead men are worth millions, actually the number is always 8 
million and the wives just need me to put up some money for lawyers and I don't know, 
maybe tutors and dating sites and in return they intend on splitting this 8 million dollars 
with me which is super nice of them, I think.

I'm not sure why they're all drawn to me. Perhaps they've heard I can't turn away any kid 
who comes to my door selling crappy stuff and they figure I have an open heart and mind.

But I reeeeeaaally don't want to get involved in other people's family problems. You're just 
asking for trouble when you stick your nose where it doesn't belong, so I just ignore them 
all, hoping that their little daughters have enough to eat and more importantly, don't inherit 
their moms' poor grammar skills. 

But yesterday, I got a spam that was head and shoulders above the rest. This thing was stellar. 
I never thought I'd say this, but I loved this spam. Loved it for everything it was. So today, 
I thought I'd share it with you. 

Here's what came into my inbox yesterday:

I have highlighted the crucial message buried amongst the spam.

HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz [url=http://www.buypenisenlargement.com]penis enlargement[/url] xyzrxyz and being 
forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will 
kill me. xyzrxyz [url=http://www.male-sexual-styles.com]penis enlargement[/url] 
xyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz [url=http://pills.buypenisenlargement.com]
vimax[/url] xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip [url=http://www.male-sexual.com/vimax-pills.html]vimax[/url] 

Now, there is so much to say here. 

First of all, I thought the all-powerful Russian Mafia was more into drug trafficking, 
weapon smuggling, racketeering, terrorism, prostitution, controlling Vladimir Putin and 
most importantly starring in Lady Gaga music videos. 

I had no idea they were kidnapping innocent people off the streets and forcing them 
to send spam. 

I can picture it in my head. There's a room full of shaking, quivering innocent people 
sitting in front of computers in a long row, kind of like a telemarketer setup. And there 
are these big, burly men standing over them with shaved heads and rotting teeth. They've 
got guns to these poor innocents' heads and they're yelling, "You must hit the publish now. 
NOW! NOW! NOW! You do not spread Spam for us, letting world know, we have Chuck 
and Larry at discounted rate, you will be dead motherf***r."

Now, if I may, a word of advice to any Russian Mafia folks reading my blog. 

I think you can find a better way to make a buck in the organized crime business than 
kidnapping people and forcing them to spread your spam. 

Because first of all, I think there's enough people in the world looking for a job that you 
could probably get away with paying less than the minimum wage, since clearly you don't 
care about committing illegal acts, and you could run like a sweatshop and pay people pennies 
to hit the enter key all day. 

I know it might cost you a little bit, but in the end, I would think it's better than risking a 
kidnapping charge. 

See, I don't know about the lawless Russia, but here in America, kidnapping will end up 
costing you a bunch more in attorney fees and restitution and crap like that, not to mention a 
life behind bars and an iron grip on your soap in the shower, if you get what I'm sayin'. So, I 
think you're better off running a sweatshop than kidnapping people for spamming purposes. 

You are welcome, Russian mafia, for that little FREE gem of advice. 

I kind of thought the Russians were smarter than that. After all, they managed to get in 
good with Lady Gaga and from what I hear, that is tough to do. 

Does the Russian Mafia really think a ton of people are ordering their heart pills and 
penis enlargements and Chuck and Larry videos from their spam?

I mean, come on. You have got to be a moron and I mean a moooorooon 

to think, "What? A free penis enlargement? Let me get in on this business, before they're all
snapped up!"

I would think the Russian Mafia could think of a more intelligent, and way more profitable 
crime than kidnapping for spam. 

How about a black market between the Americans and Russians? And I'm not talking about 
drugs, weapons or mail order brides. 

I'm talking good vodka and Faberge eggs and beluga caviar and those fur hats and they could
 throw in some of those Russian nesting dolls because people like those, all at a discounted rate.

It would be like an illegal Russian Costco without the free samples. 

Because that is a nice crime. It doesn't involve murder or making people spam, it just 
involves making people happy on both ends with the selling of lovely things. 

And what's nicer than that. I like it. 

But here's the best part of that spam to me, the line, "They're coming back now." 

I could just see these poor spam kidnap victims sending me this furtive message ( I'm 
sure they found my email through the bad-spelling lesbians and the widows who are 
waiting for me to send the check), while the shaved head guys took a vodka break or 
whatever kind of break they take and as the kidnap victims are sending me this SOS, 
they hear the clomp of these goons' footsteps and the shouts of, "You are hitting the 
publish. Yes?"  and the spammer kidnap victims all typing frantically to me, "Hurry! 

Because I guess they have an incredibly high moral code and they'd rather be shot in 
the head than spam somebody? And my question to these kidnap spam victims is, 
"What the Hell am I supposed to do?"

I mean, really? I am no Bruce Willis. I have no special skills. I'm not into martial arts. 
I don't know how to shoot or stab and I certainly can't kick in a door. My heels might 
break or I might mess up my pedicure. I get my feelings hurt very easily. I don't like to 
get my hair messed up. I have very poor navigational skills, so even if I could rescue a 
spammer, I'd get us lost within seconds of escaping. I'm about the size of a 4th grader, 
so I get overpowered easily by anyone over the age of 9, actually truth be told, more like 
7. And I'm very selfish, meaning if the goons hold a gun up to the kidnap victim's head 
and tell me they'll blow out their brains, if I don't join in on the spamming,I'd be all, 
"Sorry Spammer, but I gotta run. I've got a Chuck And Larry movie waiting for me 
at home."

So, no, I can't be all, "Yippee-Ki-Yay Motherf***rs." Because that's just not who I am. 

Sorry Spam kidnap victim. 

And even if I did get so riled up by the SOS and decided to go all Diehard on the Russians, 
there was one little problem— the time on the spam. I didn't read it until 4 hours had gone by. 

4 long hours. That poor spammer was definitely dead by now and if they weren't, well, let's 
just say, it gave me great satisfaction to hit reject. 

One less spammer in the world, done in by my hand. 

It felt pretty sweet. 

Today's Definite Download: The Hives, "Hate To Say I Told You So." This is one of my 
housework songs. It's such a kick ass song it gets me pumped up for the soulless chores of
 laundering and the like. And for you Russian Mafia. Sorry but this isn't one of your brightest 
moments. I mean I'm not biting and I'm as blonde as they come, so might want to think about 
that for a while. I told ya!

Do what I want cause I can and if I don't
Because I wanna be ignored by the stiff and the bored
Because I'm gonna
Spit and retrieve cause I give and receive 
Because I wanna 
Gonna get through your head what the mystery man said
Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so
I do believe I told you so


Dee said...

ROFLMAO OMG, girl, you are whacked!

Unknown said...

hilarious post! You never let us down!

Cecelia Winesap said...

I know how it is with bird crap. I am hard-pressed to think of anything more unhygienic.

I wonder if the "captive spammers" are in the same organization as those Russian mail order brides?

Gigi said...

ok, that beats all.

glad you had a fab time on your weekend!!!!

BTW..I am being held hostage by children. Can you please send wine?

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

An iron grip on the soap. Lost it on that one! bahahah!

See, this just proves that you are a big time famous blogger. Lucky you gets spam. I have not experienced the joys of the illiterate lesbians and rich widows. The wacky Russian spammer comment sort of remind of Mr. Subliminal from SNL.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm getting the prisoners too! And you know what? I FEEL LESS LIKE A SPECIAL PRETTY PRINCESS NOW. THANKS.

Noelle said...

I got the exact same message yesterday. I opened it and read it...in church...where I laughed right out loud and had a few people looking at me.

I laughed about it all day. :)

Sugar Bear said...

ha! You got to this before I did. That spam was just too good to pass up right? I am using it in my Comment-Love letter tomorrow.

Spam's awesome. ;o)

@sjoyr04 said...

so glad you finally got a spam message worth laughing over... love the post!

Bossy Betty said...

Oh my. There's a lot here. Love ducks and I would let them swim in my pool. Can't stand Adam Sandler or spammers, but I do like that message!

Yuliya said...

That was hilarious. I am loving the illegal Russian Costco idea...I'll see vat I can do viz my leemeted Ruski mafia contactz, da!

Tracie said...

I have to admit that I wondered about the duck poo in the pool. I feel much better about your health now. :)

Cheryl said...


Btw, how annoying is it to do a nice little post with a cute picture and we all become fixated on whether or not the ducks poop in the pool because we all know that ducks are crappy creatures and we were apparently very concerned about your health and safety.

Meanwhile, you just wanted to know what we thought of your shoes.

We suck.

litanyofbritt said...

I liked thinking you had a two headed dog. The chupacabra I am sending you will single handedly rescue the all the impoverished spammers from the Russian mafia. I train them to do this in my Chupacabra Day Camp.

Lisa said...

Oh my - too funny! I didn't even notice that about the dogs, but now that you've pointed it out they DO look like a "push me pull you" from Dr. Doolittle!

I'm relieved that the ducks aren't pooping in the pool.

And to answer your question, we're thinking about Asheville.

Bravo Joanne - this was great!

Unknown said...

bwhahaha you are the second person I have seen talking about this spammer.. I have yet to see him..but that is funny

One Photo said...

Hilarious! I am clearly nowhere near as important in the blogosphere as I only have had one Viagra spammer and someone who apparently loves my blog and had business cards made for all her friends with my blog name on and oh, by the way, did I want to order a job lot of business cards for myself?!?!

Anyway, glad to hear you do not swim with duck poo also :-)

Unknown said...

I am so so happy that I don't get spam. Yet another reason to be an underachiever...
WHERE are your high school reunion pictures? For the love of Pete!

I was once held captive by the Russian Mafia. I escaped with the help of my two headed dog, because humans are selfish.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. thank you for taking care of those mafia dudes.

the dogs. I didn't even notice until you mentioned it here. there goes my chances of being a BAU gal with Shemar. errrrr

Lula Lola said...

I had trouble figuring out the two headed dog too!
Glad you had fun and didn't get involved in any criminal mischief at your reunion!
Thanks for the moth tips. I'm still fighting the good fight. Never considered spraying the broom. That's going to be huge!
RIP spammer!

injaynesworld said...

I never get spam. I feel so left out. Like I'm not worthy or something. And then you go and kill off a perfectly good spammer. At this rate, I'll get any -- spam, that is.

liz said...

I got that same exact comment twice in the past week! And I just left the stroller ballet, and sarah wrote about getting that comment, too!

Grace said...

Okay, I love your post. I read all of it, but I'm still stuck on the duck crap and the time, several years ago, that we spent a January weekend at Disney World. It was VERY cold, and Disney prides itself on keeping its pools warm enough for people to swim year round. This particular weekend, there were approximately 40 ducks in the the Polynesian Resort pool, and Disney apparently didn't care.

It didn't even dawn on me then how nasty that pool prolly was. Ewwww.

Beth Zimmerman said...

You're just heartless, aren't ya?

Cheeseboy said...

Sandler used to be so damn funny. He still is at times, but he is pretty lame now.

I didn't even notice that two headed dog. That is freaking amazing!

Finally, any dead spammer is fine with me.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know Paris Hilton played tennis?

They say the first spammer death is always the hardest. Seems like you've got a handle on things.


Cupcake Murphy said...

Please promise me you will listen to the podcast of last weekend's (actually last LAST weekend---July 14th I think) of Garrison Keillor talking about why you should never look at a photograph of yourself. It is PERFECTION.

Joann Mannix said...

Sarah, I like to reply to all my commenters but I can't access your blog, so this is the only way I have of talking to you. Yes. I'm glad I could get a giggle instead of a love offer from a spammer. I mean. Really.

Thanks for stopping by.

Michelle @Flying Giggles said...

I am seriously cracking up here! You are hilarious! I got the same spam on one of my blog posts. I deleted it thinking it was the strangest thing!

Sandra said...

This was such an enjoyable read. To think I was going to put away my laptop and keep trying to plow my way through Eat Pray Love, which by the way, makes no mention of penis enlargements or spammers being held captive. This is wayyy better!

Anonymous said...

That was seriously laugh out loud funny! I found your blog some time ago and LOVED the title. I have been laughing ever since. Thanks for all the smiles! You're awesome!!

Alexandra said...

Dear Universe:

How does Joann Mannix type those ultra long posts and NEVER make a typo.

I mean like NEVER.

Thank you, Universe.

Rae said...

OK- I want to see reunion pictures! And those great shoes! I only went to my 10th reunion. I still looked good and remembered everybody. My 35th just passed. Didn't go. I would hate all those thin beautiful gals whose names I've forgotten!
Miss you, lady! Always enjoy visiting here!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Thank you for providing a public service by dissing Adam Sandler, who is truly awful in each and every movie he is in.

I got the exact same Russian spam, too! I also got an interesting one that says the Bank of Nigeria has 1 millions dollars waiting me. My loss.

Baby Sister said...

I noticed the dog too...but I figured you were just messing with us or something. :) Glad it's cleared up.
You are hilarious! I bet the Russian Mafia is going to pay big bucks now for you to train them in bigger and better ways. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Lizzie said...

Duck crap and Russian Mafia, that was a fun read. Nice to find someone else who thinks Adam Sandler movies are crap.

Stacey said...

I'm glad you did that poor spammer in. He probably did something to deserve it anyway!!

Lula Lola sent me over here because I too had a post about spam yesterday! LOL Great minds think alike, yes?

Anonymous said...

Again. I love your pool. Even with ducks. My sister is a bad eye closer. She keeps her eyes closed until right before the pic is snapped.
Seems to help.

Liz Mays said...

I know I should be mad at you for taking a life like that, but I'm not, not even a little bit.

That movie was horrendous in my opinion. I tried so hard to like it, you know how you force a laugh out in hopes it sorta catches on with your sense of humor. Yeah, didn't happen.

Joann Mannix said...

Blogger is jacking with me again. Another comment they won't let me publish.

So, here you go, Blogger. You can't beat me. Copy and past, Baby. Copy and paste.

Average Girl has left a new comment on your post "I Might Just Have Killed A Spammer Accidentally . ...":

I have also come to "love" some of my spam. One was a perfectly written 5 paragraph essay on the birthing process -- Quite informative. Another, very politely invited me into a...witchy cult. Hmmm...food for thought. I think I like your analysis best, however. Very funny! And, your pool is gorgeous!

Ash said...

Alleluia! One less spammer in this world.

And they say only the good die young.

kathy said...

Damnit...I just sent off for a penis enlarger(for a friend).

Amber at The Musings of ALMYBNENR said...

HAHA this is EFFING hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Wait, no pictures of the fabulous people at the pool? Darnit. Okay. Russian Spammers-kinda catchy and perfect blog fodder, you have to admit. Maybe you could write back and say you are being forced to send spam by crappying ducks and oversized, wet dogs. Just see what happens.

randine said...

You respond to every comment on here? You may well be (in addition to a super funny blogger) a saint. A saint in awesome shoes, but a saint nontheless. So I think that more than makes up for the smammer killing.

And also, your yard looks a little bit like the resort I stayed in in Mexico. Without the dogs and ducks, though. Although I wouldn't have minded either.
And PS- I kindof liked Chuck and Larry. Does that make me a bad person?

Dawn in D.C. said...

This cracked me up this morning.

I like all animals and it never occured to me about duck poop in the pool. I have now put that on my list; if I ever get a pool don't let the ducks swim in it. Dogs are okay, though.

I would so shop at the Russian Costco!!

litanyofbritt said...

Hello, my friend. I have an award for you on my blog. :)

twelvedaysold said...

You stole my two headed dog line!

P.S. Your ducks are pretty. Do they let you pet them?

Jennifer Juniper said...

I did actually wonder about the two-headed dog, so I dug through the blog until I found more pictures.. But a two-headed labradoodle would be pretty awesome. I bet with some photoshop skills you could sell that two-headed dog picture for some extra money..

Loulou La Poule said...

All my spam letters are from Africans trying to come to America to avoid murderous regimes in their own areas. I think I've been killing them off by the dozens lately! When I get the one from Don Cheedle, Imma answer that one.

Here's a photo trick my daughter taught me: When the photographer is ready, ask them to give you a 1-2-3 count before they snap. Look down through 1 and 2; look up and smile on 3. When I followed that advice, it was the first good picture of me in 40 years. I had given up trying and told people I was a Wiccan just to get off the snapshot hook.

Hulk said...

Hey~Thanks for all the nice comments and thoughts. The Kid here is hurting for sure, but I appreciate the kind words. They help.

Don't think I am a weenie because I have feelings. :)

Joann Mannix said...


Hugs and kisses and love, Babe. This too shall pass.

carma said...

I sure hope you emptied your bank account to help that poor kidnap victim

Pat said...


The End

Deidra said...

How could the download of the day not be Lady Gaga? Did you not get in good enough with her to use her music without her permission? haha Maybe you should become a mob boss.

jayayceeblog said...

Kidnapping innocent people and making them send spam is the most horrific thing I've heard of. Loved your take on it ... Yippee-Ki-Yay!

Anonymous said...

Oh the spam! Have you ever received one from a friend? I have. Her email got hijacked! And it said to send her money. It was horrible.

Sandy said...

I could not get to this post quick enough when I saw you included it on your post about being today's BON on WOW. Very, very funny and clever. Loved it!

Sandy (half of WOW)

Jennifer M. said...

This post was hilarious. I can't stand ducks and I live by a lake. The feeling about them is mutual. They chase you around for food and crap where they please. I just started following your blog and I am loving your posts. Good Luck on getting published. :)

McKenzie said...

Love this post! Not a fan of ducks, they freak me out a little, but I do like rubber ducks! LOL at the spammers, that is just great!

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