Friday, July 23, 2010
I am in a ting-a-ling, jig-dancing, clap-slapping happy kind of mood today and I thought I'd
share with you a list of the reasons why I am so happy.
☺ I am going away for the weekend. And not just any old weekend, it is my class reunion.
We were a close bunch, the classic stereotype of kids in the 80's living out their hormonal
teens in a small southern town. Picture the movie, Sixteen Candles, with southern accents
and you had us. There were a lot of Camaros, keg parties, pickup trucks, feathered hair,
Jordache jeans, big ass combs in the back pockets of those jeans, an evil concoction called
Hunch Punch, (pure grain alcohol usually mixed with Kool Aid), toilet papering people's
homes or if you were more on the delinquent side of things, (ahem, my brother), bashing
in mailboxes, and of course, a profusion of Member's Only jackets.
We try to get together every 5-10 years and we always manage to shake up some good
times. Except, of course, we won't be funneling from a keg, (at least I hope not) and I pray
there is no one there in a Member's Only jacket with a big plastic comb in their back pocket,
sporting a kicky part down the middle of their feathered-hair. Because that would be bad,
very bad. And if anyone suggests we hop in someone's Camaro and they've got a case of
toilet paper and a baseball bat, I pray I'll have the strength to say no.
But, I will confess to you, Internet, I was the girl who always succumbed to the peer pressure.
So, there's that . . .
☺ This next one might sound a little strange, but my Moronica (aka Sophie, one of the moron
twin puppies) woke me up at dawn as usual, with a wooly paw to the face and her urgent "I
gotta go potty now" whine. I stumbled outside to a vibrant pink and red sky and it immediately
roused me out of my sleepy stupor. It made me so joyous. Not because of its gorgeousness,
although it was extraordinary, but because of the old adage, "Red skies at night, sailors delight.
Red skies at dawn, sailors be warned." Those skies told me it is going to rain today and for
that, I was so utterly grateful.
I know, you're thinking, huh?
But here's the thing, we're all supposed to meet down at the hotel pool this afternoon. In high
school, most of our days were spent at somebody's pool or on the beach. Hell, practically every
date I ever had was on the beach. It was free, a guy could check you out in your bathing suit
and the po-po were pretty lax about drinking beer on the beach.
I lived in my bathing suit back in the day.
Fast forward, many years, 3 kids and sitting on my writer's ass most days and the LAST
place I want to catch up with my old pals is at the pool in my bathing suit. I want to be in
clothes, clothes that hide things. I do have a bathing suit coverup, a swishy little dress that
cost entirely too much for what it is— a piece of nylon with artful curves and covers in all
the right places. I gladly paid way too much for that saving grace. And if for some awful
fluke of nature, it doesn't rain, I will be all good sporty, down at that pool, in my nylon dress
but it will NOT be coming off as God is my witness.
☺ And then there is the fact that you, you beautiful chickies, sent me such really good
suggestions on my query. Some of you pointed out things I hadn't seen before because
when you stand this close to something for so long, sometimes you can't see what's in front
of you. Some of you had some great suggestions. Some of you just applauded, but each
and every single one of you helped me invaluably. So thank you, thank you from the
bottom of my heart. I will be reshaping my query and I'll post it when I'm through. Although,
it won't be this weekend because I'll be having too much fun, hopefully NOT bashing in
any mailboxes.
☺ So, here's my number one reason for being happy. I went shopping yesterday and along
with some lovely clothes, I bought these. These.
A fabulous shoe is the epitome of happiness. Am I right, ladies?
When I slid these beauties on my feet, the world instantly became a better place. The sun
shone brighter. The birds were singing. I waltzed out of the store, ready to burst out in, "I
feel happy. Oh, so happy" But I had to restrain myself, one of my teenage girls was with
me and she would have passed out from the mortification.
And I am wearing these to my reunion. The miles between reunions and high school are
growing longer, indeed, but that doesn't mean I have to wear sensible shoes. I will never be
old enough for sensible shoes. I'll be wearing heels when I'm a senior citizen, even if it does
mean breaking a hip.
I figured since I was confessing the good, I might as well give you the bad, too. So, here's
my thunder clouds for the day:
☹This menagerie can tip the scales of bad or good, depending on how much they're jacking
me up on most days.
And yes, the ducks and dogs share the pool. Although the ducks are bad-asses and they will
swim right up to those hairy beasts and peck the living snot out of them. The dogs, in typical
moron fashion, are scared to death of them.
But yesterday, I got myself a sweet little pedicure to go with my kickin' it red shoes. And it
was so pretty and then I walked in the door and the Moron Twins who are always delirious
with excitement when they see me, even if it's 5 minutes before, (seriously, I get out of the
shower and they act like they haven't seen me in years), those stupidos, started jumping all
over me and yeah, my cherry red toenails were shredded. Luckily, my friends at the pedicure
place salvaged them for me today, but those 60 pound dog/horses are still on my list.
☹ Now, this one's tricky. So buckle in. I bought myself some Clarins self tanner yesterday.
This made me happy, because I love Clarins tanner. It works really well on ghostly white
girls like me. It doesn't bronze me or turn me Lindsay Lohan orange. It just gives me a hint
of color. And a hint of color is such a blessing in my albino world. Because you know how
white pants show every single flaw? Think about white skin. That's right. My epidermis is
a billboard of, "Look at this! Look at her purple vein! Doesn't it contrast so nicely against
her white skin? And look at these dimples right where the hem of her swishy cover up stops.
I guess that cover up doesn't cover everything. Ha! And look at these upper arms, see how
the blinding white just gives them that much more of a jiggly tone!"
So, I bought some Clarins, you know, to give me a false sense of identity, along with my
Spanx, that is.
And I was all set to exfoliate today and smear on my Clarins today.
Now, here's the thing: And sorry about the TMI, but I like to buff myself with my tanner in
the buff. That way there are no lines and no icky stains on my clothes. It's easy. I just go
about my regular routine in the nude. Laundry. Making beds. Screaming at dogs. Cleaning
up the dung dungeon. All naked. Since I'm generally alone during the day and the dogs
don't mind, it works for me.
Well, last night, my hubby informed me that a repairman was coming to our house today
and that it would take him most of the day for this repair. I don't feel like going into details.
The repair would take a great deal of explaining, but suffice to say it involves building things
out, installing and wiring.
I immediately piped up with, "But, I'm self tanning tomorrow!"
He looked at me like he usually does, which is in a, "I have no idea what you're talking about,
so I'll just ignore you" kind of way.
But I protested and informed him that because of my self tanning procedure, he would have
to stay home and deal with the repairmen.
And you know what he had the nerve to say? "Somebody has to make the money, so you
can buy shoes and self tan."
He does NOT understand priorities in life.
As I furrowed my brow, trying to figure out how on earth, I was going to self tan with a
repairman in the house, one of my girls suggested I wear a bathing suit around the house.
My hubby said, "Yeah, you should do that. I'm sure repairmen are used to desperate
housewives trying to get their attention for a little repairman fun."
OK. First of all, if you were able to see this repairman who does indeed have plumber's
crack in his very ample hairy behind, my hubby would realize just how wrong his
stereotypical, stupido concept is.
And secondly, come on! Even if he didn't have a hairy ass, that would just be plain full
of awkward. I could just see him going home and telling his wife, "I had a job today
where this albino with a big purple vein and jello upper arms answered the door in her
bathing suit. It was really freaky, I tell ya."
But I figured it out.
I'm going to do it my usual way, but I'm employing my girls in the process. I've promised
them they can watch TV, a big treat in our household, since the TV usually gets turned on
only at night. They can watch TV to their heart's delight, if they just hang around downstairs,
in case the repairman needs something.
And if he needs something that only I can provide, I've got that worked out, too. I'm going to
have my girls hold a big sheet out in front of me and I will address him from behind the big
sheet. I know it sounds awkward, but trust me, when I say it's better than me in a bathing suit.
I gotta run. I've got to go dig out a sheet and start the exfoliating process. I'll be out of touch
for the next few days, but I promise to be back next week with a special treat.
See you later. Pray I don't get lured into imbibing any hunch punch or stealing all the
toilet paper from the hotel bathroom lobby. I need all the help I can get.
Today's Definite Download: "Fly Like An Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band. For all of
my fellow Eagles out there. Rock on.
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'
Into the future.
I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle
Till I'm free
Oh Lord, through the revolution.
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41 comments:
Those shoes rock! I love them, but then again I'm a shoe addict!
Those shoes are gorgeous!!!
Looove those shoes!
1. Gorgeous shoes.
2. I don't think you need to worry about the whole exfolliating/tanning thing because everyone will be staring at your shoes!
3. I have been thinking about that Steve Miller song lately. When I was in high school I went to the concert when he was touring for that album. It was a first date with a really cute guy who was a senior and I was a lowly sophomore. And guess what? He and I are now facebook friends!
4. Love, love, love those pics of the curly doggies and the ducks. Precious!
5. Have a fabulous time this weekend.
Great shoes, but really great blog..you are too freakin funny!
Just looking at the shoes I feel my ankle breaking! But they're beauties for sure!
The water behind the swimming pool...that lovely blue water? That can't possibly be the alligator/crocodile (see I can't remember again) lake is it? Please say no because it's too beautiful for that.
I'm always on your side ... really...but your husband makes me laugh too.
And finally, can I come visit sometime? It just looks so lovely there! :)
Oh Sugar! Those shoes!!!!
Have a FAB time at the reunion!
OK...now...this must be said: i've seen your kitchen. didn't say squat.
I heard about the 400 wine bottle cellar, i kept my trap shut.
and ...now...this..this ...spa like yard???
honey, you should have told us you married the shah of holyrazamataz.
sheesh...girl, you could hold BlogHer at your palace, I mean, house.
ok...now, what was the post about? I couldnt' get over the pix.
oh,yeah, the shoes....love 'em...
Those are some seriously bad ass shoes! I couldn't even have worn them in my youth! More power to you that you can. I have a class reunion next weekend. Maybe I try my self tanner.
Love the shoes! Have fun at your reunion.
PS Have you ever tried a spray tan?
You had me at new shoes! Damn those are some sexy! I have to confess to being an albino white myself and I loathe summer because of it. I will now be incorporating your tanning technique- THANKS!!
okay, here goes...
1. LOVE your shoes!!!!!
2. ducks in the pool?!!!
3. i hope to God your plan with the sheet works...
#1 have fun at that reunion!
#2 Member's Only jackets are making a comeback, so don't be surprised that peeps are (still) wearing them
#3 that's your backyard?? Oooooh the jealousy
#4 those shoes! Oh the luciousness of those shoes. Give them to me.
:)
i always know a laugh is just waiting for me right here on your blog! too funny! and you could stop hearts with those shoes my dear! Can't wait to hear all about the reunion!
HA! Do you know how long it's been since I heard someone mention the giant combs in the back pocket? And my first (and last) meeting with hunchpunch ended in a catus..yep, bad night but unfortunately one I remembered the next day, well most of it. Now I'm just hoping you don't say" Oh my God I know who you are."
The shoes are Incredible, have a blast!
I so could not trust my daughters with that sheet; )
I do believe we were in high school during the same general era (c/o '81) because your description on high school sounds oh so familiar!
This was so funny - loved it!
One question though - don't the ducks poop in the pool?
Have fun this weekend, and don't get into any trouble!!
Sure, sure, rub it in that you can still wear gorgeous shoes like that you young whippersnapper, while, here I sit recuperating from a flipping cortisone shot in my BIG TOE from arthritis and hearing the doctor tell me that I have to wear SENSIBLE SHOES! Oh My GOD, when did I turn old?
That one photo of your dogs looks like your one dog has two heads; one at the front and one on his butt.
You talking behind the sheet; kinda like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain ,"Don't pay attention to that man behind the curtain!"
You are a nut!
Have fun at your reunion.
Don't TP any houses!
You left out one of the most fun small town pasttimes- cowtipping.
Love, no ADORE, no must have those shoes.
I have no place and no business wearing heels like that but still.....
Have fun at the reunion!
Love your f-me heels! They are fabulous!
And I think we must have had the same teenage years! Down to the flybacks, funnels and member's only jackets!
Have a wonderful time! I hope you get to TP a house or two!
Those are serious kick-ass shoes! But I could never wear them, heels above an inch or so and I do not get along at all but I can see you rocking those this weekend for sure. Have fun!
Love those shoes! I love them. Love. Them.
When I think of my high school fashions, I think Jordache, Sergio Valente and Chemin de Fer jeans. And Op. EVERYONE wore Op. With the Goody comb in the back pocket. And Cherokee shoes. And Vans.
And I second whoever suggested spray tans instead of the do-it-yourself version.
And those shoes? LOVE THEM!!
I love the shoes, but even more, I love your dogs!!
Oh, red snakeskin high heeled fabulousness...Where have you been all my life? Because I? I have been searching for kick ass red pumps for what seems like forEVER! You found the motherlode my friend.
Sorry I missed the post about your query. I am going to check it out right about now.
Have a great time at your reunion. Personally I hate 'em (including the one that I planned). I think I lived through 16 candles but I was definitely the girl with braces and the hideous sweatshirt wiping her mouth from the bubbler (or do you say water fountain in your parts?) with the skirt of the figure on the front of said hideous sweatshirt. Yea. That was me.
But I grew up and turned out much better than that.
Enjoy the day, Joann!
Erin
MY class reunion is next weekend! I was planning on wearing flip flops? SO?
Okay and, we have already planned an AFTER party to view old videos of me and my pals doing goofy stuff in highschool. Of course it's an exclusive after party because A) no one else wants to watch old home movies unless they're in them right? B) It's like high school all over again. I feel a leetle dumb about it. But, if you knew some of the riff raff I went to school with, you wouldn't invite them over either.
I grew up in a small town too. We have fun, in a slightly illegal way, but not in a self destructive way. Fine line my friend, fine line.
Enjoy tanning you big wierdo.
Must go back and thank Meg of Member's Lounge for this link--she was paying the Beautiful Blogger Award forward and I'm so glad she did!
Oh, and on those shoes? Seriously hot, but get back to me in about twenty years on the sensible shoes. I would KILL myself in those suckers! And then there are the knees I'd be wearing above them; at sixty+, the inner thigh slides south and gets stuck to the kneecap, which sorta negates the whole image. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may!
The shoes are terrifying! haha
Well if you do cave to peer pressure and find the PoPo on your trail, you could always click your heels three times and repeat, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home".
Hope you have a great time.
I did a double-take when I saw the first picture. A two-headded dog? In your pool?
And the red shoes? All you need is some sequins on them and you'll be in Kansas!
How about a picture of you with your Clarins tan, sister? You can see my Cancun tan on my blog.
Those shoes are fab and you are going to look awesome!
Thank goodness for rain and yes, I was thinking "huh?"
So, Blogger is hating me today and dumping some of my comments. But since you people take your valuable time to leave me a comment, I will outwit the villainous Blogger and publish those dropped comments through copy and paste. Take that blogger!
Anita@GoingALittleCoastal has left a new comment on your post "New Shoes—You Complete Me":
Those are some rockin shoes! Me, I'd break my neck in them. Never learned to walk in heels. I'm sort of like a newborn giraffe.
Thanks for the walk down memory lane. My life was at the beach also. With a six pack of Busch beer. And a tube of Lipsmackers to keep my braces from ripping me to shreds while I was umm, busy.
Love your backyard. I'm a little green. Are you in south fl?
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Posted by Anita@GoingALittleCoastal to Laundry Hurts My Feelings at July 23, 2010 9:16 PM
Those shoes make me happy to just gaze upon them....can't even imagine what they'd do to me if I slipped into them!
Brilliant post...you had me snorting my coffee over my keyboard.
Those shoes are dangerous weapons!
I can SO relate to the costume feeling.
Have a blast at the reunion.
That was hilarious! I love the shoes!! They're awesome!!
Good luck with the tanning episode...hope you don't get caught!
And have fun at your reunion. Go toilet paper someone while you're at it. Relive the younger years! :D
Okay, I have two questions:
1. Did guys wear Jordache jeans? I don't recall ever owning a pair.
2. That is a nice pool you've got there. Do the ducks pee in it?
Granny,
I don't know if you'll read this, but I just want you to know, I'm not sure why, but my Mac won't let me link to your site. I reply to each and every one of my comments, and so I hope you see this.
Thank you for your kind words. And yes, those shoes are weapons. Weapons that will slay a women's heart in lust. I had to have those shoes. Had to.
Thanks again for your comments. I like the snorting coffee one.
Those are some hot ones! And it IS all about the shoes.
That's your pool? And those are your ducks? Do the ducks poop in the pool? Because we have ducks at a community pool and there is duck shit EVERYWHERE.
I just don't want you to slip walking in those kick-ass new shoes.
Also? I had a comb that said Rotten Kid on it and I wore it proudly stuffed into my back pocket. I believe we must be close in age.
Those shoes are amazing ... God, I hope they're comfortable! I am picturing you talking from behind the sheet like the Wizard of Oz behind his curtain.
OMG! Where do I begin? You are so hilarious! I haven't been to a reunion yet but I have one next year and I just pray I can keep myself together just until then!
The last time I say anyone was at my friends funeral and all of my classmates mouth dropped open. I am like wine and I get better with age, thank goodness.
Oh yes, and do you own ducks? Or do they just flock to your pool? I may have to start calling your Joey or Chandler!
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