Some Random Thoughts And A Story To Make You Cry
Thursday, August 12, 2010

Since I only see you now twice a week, darling Internet, I have a mixed bag of random thoughts that have been clogging up space in my cluttered brain and I am compelled to share them with you. 

And let me just say, even with the few days I've been spending here in the world of Blogger, those Blogger geeks are still jacking me over. Ignore the various fonts and random spacing they have spewed all over this post just to work me up. 

First of all, I feel like I'm the only who noticed this last week and thought, "What is happening? Am I living in some alternate universe? Has the world shifted into chaotic nonsense while I was out of touch?"

Now granted, I have been buried under a mountain of manuscript editing and I barely know what's going on around me, but I still cannot make rhyme or reason of this one:


And this genius headline comes from the Washington Post, summing up my exact feelings. 

Seriously. Seriously. 

The Priceline negotiator got one of the most terrifying elusive serial killers— a sniper who terrorized our nation's capital— to spill the beans. 

Maybe Lee Boyd Malvo was intimidated by William Shatner's powerful karate kickin' ability to finagle the La Quinta for a mere 50 bucks.

Or perhaps he was afraid he'd whip out his space gun. 

Or maybe the sniper thought it really was TJ Hooker demanding a confession with his Chippendale sidekick. I mean, the blow dried hair alone, would be enough to scare the smack out of me into confessing. 

In other hard-hitting celebrity news, I'm wondering if anyone else considers this a veiled threat:


Here's Paris' incredibly insightful description of her latest "work": "They're not all fast songs, there's some, like slow songs in there as well. But most of the songs are fast because I love going to clubs and I love that world."

Wow, I am like, super excited and like so intrigued after hearing those sort of riveting details. 
I wish we could take Paris and Miley and Justin and Rihanna and Britney and Kesha, (that Kesha might just be ungodliest thing I've ever heard and I can't believe I'm saying this, but even worse than Miley), team them up with the lethal musical stylings of John Tesh and Kenny G and charge them with Assault With Vomitous Music. 

The sentence? Life at Rikers. Unless they agree to stop using large round brushes on their boy hair (Justin), banish all leggings worn as pants from their wardrobe (Rihanna), discontinue the one-note singing, (Rihanna) just stop being such a douchebag ass brat, (Miley) and rehabilitate their "music" with the help of a heavenly group made up of Regina Spektor, David Byrne, Reverend Al Green, Rufus Wainwright, Loretta Lynn, Aretha, Brian Wilson, Radiohead, Axle Rose, B.B.King and of course U2.

The world would be so much of a better place. Maybe William Shatner could arrange this. 

On a totally different tangent, (I warned you I would be all over the place), here is one of my biggest pet peeves: Movie theater talkers. It's right up there with gum snappers and people who drive slowly in the left hand lane. Because, really? Why can't we all be aware of the rules of society? They're not too hard to follow. 

The drivers who crawl in the left hand lane keep me on my toes when it comes to my profanity vocabulary. It is an extensive vocabulary, filled with inventive combinations of cuss words and I just don't understand why these people don't get it. Do they think everyone's having a good time when other drivers madly swerve around them, beeping their horn angrily, shaking their head at them as they pass all while mouthing in slow motion, "MORON"?  Not that I would ever do anything like that, I'm just sayin' there may or may not be drivers in the world who get that worked up at people who can't follow basic rules. 

And gum snappers. I really don't understand them at all, either. I have been tempted at times to just throttle a gum snapper and say, "Who raised you? Britney Spears?" I can't deal with the snap and pop and masticating like a cow chewing its cud. It sends me into a murderous rage. 

I think there should be a law that gum is only allowed up to the age of 10. There is no reason to chew gum, except if you're attempting to blow a bubble so big that when it pops it will be all entangled in the hair on the back of your scalp. And thus, the reasoning behind the age limit of 10.  

If you've got rancid breath, try a breath mint or even better, some floss. Gum snappers —I am not your friend. 

But we were talking about movie talkers. There are 2 camps of theatergoers, those who watch the movie in proper silence and those who think they are in their family room watching a Blockbuster rental with their entire gum-snapping, slow-left-lane-driving family. 

I bet you can guess which camp I'm in. 

And I have been known to loudly shush movie talkers a time or two. Oh, who am I kidding! If you're flapping your gums behind me, I will make your life a living hell. I'll start with the shushing and if that doesn't work, I'll start in with the looking over my seat glaring and if you're still talking I might just threaten quite loudly to get a movie attendant in here right quick. 

We've been spending a lot of our summer evenings in the movie theaters which has its good and bad side. The good—we're together as a family. The bad—we have to decide on a movie we all would like to see. Since no one in my family likes "thinking man" movies or sleeper films or just anything that is, you know, good, I lose every time. 

Last week we went and saw "Salt" with Angelina Jolie. More on that in a moment. First I want to tell you about the movie talker I had behind me. I'm sure he was a gum snapper because his movie companion had his work boots propped up on the seat next to me. A definite sign of being raised by Britney Spears. They started up in their loud man, redneck voices the minute they sat down. When I shushed them, they ignored me. When I finally started glaring over my seat at them, the one dude said to his friend, "What's up with Miss Polly Pocket in Pink?"

That one threw me off so badly, I sat right back down and forgot all about their movie talking. It's true, I had on pink. But why am I a Polly Pocket? I don't understand.This Polly Pocket name calling has been haunting me ever since. 

Is it because I'm small? I mean I'm not that small and I disguise my short status with my ever present heels. Was it because I looked plastic? Trust me, there is no plastic to be found in this girl. In fact, there are some spots that could use some plastic. Was he referring to my wardrobe? Because clearly, Polly Pockets don't have an ounce of fashion sense and that one would sting more than the rest of them combined.

I can't get beyond this. My Hubby who is always so great at feeding my obsessions has been saying things all week, like "What Polly?"

If anyone has an idea about this, can they let me know? I mean I've been compared to a lot of things in my life, but a Polly Pocket? 

So before I get all worked up good, let's change the subject. Here's just a brief critique of "Salt". It was the kind of movie that made me go, "This is a shining example of how American culture has gone down the crapper." 

And I loved it. 

Even though, I hate Angelina Jolie and her man-thieving ways, I think she's a pretty good actress. And this was all bullets and bombs and big guns and jumping from speeding cars to semi trucks all over the interstate. You know, the basic Hollywood screenplay written by 12-year-old boys. 

And it was all just a little too much to swallow. I won't give it away, but let's just say "Salt" will have you believing everyone in a powerful position in the US government is an undercover Russian spy. And then there's the fact that the 90 pound dripping wet Angelina takes down entire SWAT teams, boatloads of Russian man spies and a bloody man on woman fight with the hulking 6' 3" Liev Schreiber, all with her tiny, bare hands and even tinier body. 
I love this picture of him, not for the weird sideburns for that superhero movie he was in, but for the contrast of his big, hulking muscles holding his baby so tenderly. Be still my heart. 

But even with all of that ridiculousness, I was sucked in, sitting on the edge of my seat in a whispered plea, "Please Angelina, save the world with your hand to fist combat. We're all counting on you to keep us safe from the Russians who are EVERYWHERE." I started looking at my Hubby suspiciously after that.

And that's all I have to say on that. 

So, I saved the tears I promised you, for last. 

About a month ago, I announced I was going shoe shopping. It's funny how that works. I'll say I'm going grocery shopping or up to Home Depot and no one ever wants to keep me company. But say the word, shoe and 3 girls insist on being my best friend. 

So, of course, we all found shoes we had to have. And I spent entirely too much on shoes. The way of the world around here. 

My whole goal was to find some sensible heels for summer. And yes, I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but sensible heels are my tennis shoe. I found a couple of pair of functional, comfortable heels but there was this one pair of shoes, this one pair of just utter splendor that called to me. Like a shoe siren. 

They were expensive and none too practical and they were this beautiful luminescent silver and they were singing their siren song to me. 

I didn't buy them. I'd spent enough on sensible heels and shoes for the girls. I put them back on the display shelf with great regret. 

But after sleeping on it, I knew I had to have those shoes, so I went back the next day and bought them. And I don't mean to sound shallow, but my heart just did this little Zippity Doo Dah and the days were filled with light and goodness because of those shoes. 

I wore them to dinner the other night and they were just it. They just were. 

We got home late and I went straight to bed. 

I was woken up in the early morning hours by the clunk of a rawhide bone hitting the floor as one of the Moron Twins went to town. I lay there for a moment, thinking, I need to get up and take that rawhide bone away or I'll never get back to sleep. 

And then it hit me, I didn't give them a rawhide bone last night. 

I shot up and practically leapt on Moronica. 

I'd put my shoes on the chaise that sits in the corner of my room, the night before. I didn't think they'd go hunting for beautiful silver sandals. 

I was wrong. 
So wrong. 

So very wrong. 

I know. Here's a tissue. I've been crying all week. They even ate the strap, buckle and all. 

So, after that bit of sadness, I'll leave you with some good news. 

I have myself a critique partner, a writer who is also getting ready to shop out her manuscript. We swapped manuscripts today and we've given each other a deadline to read each other's works and give each other that one final, so important critique. I am beyond thrilled to have one of my peers, someone who knows what to look for, helping me in this final step. And I am honored to be doing the same for her. 

The train is picking up steam my friends. After this, it's Get Ready. Get Set. Go. 

I can't wait. 

Today's Definite Download: OK, I'll admit to the fact there is some mindless pop I like and perhaps some of those no-talent assbags of today could take a lesson from someone old school. 

Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" is an example of of exactly that. Here's the link that will take you right to her video. Now, if we must have kicky little, airy music in our lives, this is the way to go. I just watched this video with the spritely Kylie and suddenly realized something shocking. That Kylie looks just like a Polly Pocket. Check it out. Here is real pop music done right and by a Polly Pocket. I bet you she shushes people in the movies, too.    


Lisa said...

OOHHHH.....those BAD, BAD dogs!! Poor you!

Also, I think the reason he confessed to William Shatner was because of the mad cow disease.

Denny Crane.

Cecelia Winesap said...

I'm so sorry about your shoes. I would have gone insane. In.sane.

And yes, Kesha sucks....bad.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

You are on fire lady! I can so relate to everything you just wrote even though I don't wear heels. Damn dogs. That is one gnarly mess. In the very first shot I saw the toe and said to myself, looks like the dog got the shoe.

I am the one that is mouthing MORON to the one driving slow in the left lane while yacking on the phone. Nothing irritates me more. Why do people look at me weird when they ask me if I want gum and I say I don't chew gum? They look so confused.

Liev. Nothing is sexier than a big muscled made holding a tiny baby. Even if he looks like Wolverine.

Oh and Polly Pocket? It's because you are just so gosh darn cute. Has to be it. And when did Kylie get Angelina lips? Are they always that big? Or were they just to enhance her boobs that kept trying to escape?

Alexandra said...

Oh, I thought that was a bogus post title to pull me in BUT NO! THE SIGHT OF THOSE MAGNIFICENT SHOES CHEWED UP????!!!


rachel... said...

Oh, I could cry for your shoes! I think you should make them a date with Shatner.

And I don't know... I think there could be worse things than looking like a Polly Pocket. They have thick, shiny hair, make-up is always perfect, an adorable figure. And her shoes!

Unknown said...

I am so sorry about your shoes! That dog would be so dead!

The Furry Godmother said...

As an animal rights advocate, I can safely say that Wayne Pacelle himself would thoroughly endorse putting that dog down immediately.

I weep for you, Joann Pocket.

The Furry Godmother said...

As an animal rights advocate, I can safely say that Wayne Pacelle himself would thoroughly endorse putting that dog down immediately.

I weep for you, Joann Pocket.

McKenzie said...

I definitely cried a few tears for your loss of those gorgeous shoes. It's a very hard boat to be in when such "loyal" companions chew up your favorite pair of heels. A few days ago my sweet, sensitive, bitch of a dog chewed up my favorite heels.. That are going to cost me a pretty penny, that I don't have, to replace. I feel your pain!

Cheryl said...

Someone called you a polly pocket? I've never heard that before. Do you wear rubber clothes that practically adhere to your body? Are you a choking hazard? So odd!

I admit I laughed about the shoes. I did. One time a dog of mine got ahold of a brand new metallic gold loafer and had his way with it. The lesson here is keep shiny objects away from four-legged animals.

Unknown said...

Don't you mean Ke$ha? Because, anyone who can make a song singing, "blah blah blah" or whatever is better than um, the alphabet. You reach a certain level, you know, where you gotta break into the ampersand and money signs, and maybe a little @#%%(!*& for the left lane gum poppers. You should start a band, Polly Pocket and the &(%*#&!'s.

You sing, "Shut shut shut shut up in the movie theater" in an annoying dance tune, invite Paris to help with the chorus or something and BOOM your famous and can afford 10 pairs of silver shoes at least. Heck, you could probably feed your stupid dogs a steady diet of silver shoes, and the money would keep rolling in. It all makes sense doesn't it? You're welcome.

twelvedaysold said...

The only thing I have to say is that when you were writing about Paris Hilton I thought you were making fun of her, pretending to talk for her.

And then I realized you were quoting her. Yikes!

LisaPie said...

Lock all the slow-left-lane drivers, movie talkers and the gum smackers in a room with Paris/Miley/Justin/Rihanna music playing as a penalty for just being complete douche bags.

And I am sorry to say this, but those dogs might have to spend a day or two in there as well. Bad doggies.

TesoriTrovati said...

"douchebag ass brat"
that should be the dog's new moniker. Or Miley.
Bad dog.
Cool shoes.
Means another shopping experience, no?
Try to .... enjoy the day!

Dee said...

The dogs are incorrigible. The shoes were cute. Shatner? WTF?

I wanna see Salt - not to be confused with seasalt

Jennifer M. said...

Oh man did you have some things to vent about today! This post had me in tears laughing. I hate the movies and only because of the jerks that feel the need to talk. Seriously, why pay $11 to talk! The worst are the ones on their cell phones. Oh and I feel you about the left lane drivers. Although drivers in Miami have their own way of driving and really its amazing they haven't passed a helmet law yet for us.

Sorry about your shoes. :( That really sucks. Leave them outside with the ducks for that one.

alicia said...

Aw, lady how I've missed your stories. That was a sad one, but ironically I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe because I know how dang hard it is to find a good pair of comfy, beautiful shoes. But tragic all the same. And I'm right there with ya on rude gum smackin peeps in the theater. And also ones that throw glass bottles nearly decapitating you. And I think there are probably worse things to be called than polly pockets. They are adorable. And so well dressed. And accessorized to a T. With perfect curves. Really. Take it as a compliment.

Deborah said...

I will host a memorial for those shoes. That's the saddest thing ever! Love dogs, but damn dogs! My George once ate a loveseat (I'm certain I've blah blahed about that a million times.)

You forgot Denny Crane for William! Denny could do anything.

Shell said...

Your poor shoes!!!

Polly Pocket- he's calling you small, take it as a compliment.

This post just confirms that we could so hang out and have long, completely tangent-filled conversations with no problem.(Said in a loving but not stalker tone)

Dawn in D.C. said...

I feel for you. I had a brand new pair of MBT walking shoes that I had saved up to buy. I was so excited about those shoes. Yeah, the bulldog chewed the back off of one of them. I still wear them, but it's just not the same.

Don't even get me started on the Longaberger basket she ate. ATE.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Cheeseboy said...

Shatner is one hard core, bad A, muthertreker! I'd take him over Bruce Lee in a fight any day.

I was not so much into the muscles. It's all good, I know you will make it up with some pictures of Brook Burke someday.

Jennifer Vanderbeek said...

I'm not sure if you've ever seen the series Firefly but there's a line in there you'd really appreciate:

There's a special level of Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in movie theaters.

As for the *choke* shoes? Oh *sob* I'm so very sorry for your loss. Truly, *bawl* sorry. They were *sniffle* taken too soon. *hiccup*

I've gotta go compose myself, now.

One Photo said...

Oh your shoes! Again! I'm so sorry! Just to console you I can say that toddlers can be challenging too - things that don't get chewed just seem to disappear :-)

randine said...

What an emotional roller coaster! At first I was like "OH NO, she didn't get the shoes" and then I was like "YAY, she got the shoes" and then I was like "OH NO, but the dogs ate them." So sorry for your loss. That must have been pretty traumatic. The pictures are gruesome, hard to look at.

And YAY, Paris Hilton's second CD is coming out-- how long I've waited to hear those words, LOL. I usually don't like to use "LOL", cuz I think it's WAY overused, but literally, I laughed out loud when I read her quote about the CD. Sounds awesome.

Good luck with your manuscript! It's always nice to get a fresh perspective on it...

And if I've commented and it's awaiting moderation, just disregard this one. I wasn't sure if it gotten eaten up in cyber space or not, LOL.
That one was just for fun.

middle child said...

Well Polly. What you received was a compliment. Tiny, cute and "I just want to put her in my pocket!"

The shoes? Well, I feel sorry for the critter that did that. I'd duck tape the shoe to him/her and they could just wear it for a week!

Tiffaney said...

Oh my friend, you have had the week from hell. First, called a Polly Pocket? Then the Evil Moron Twins from Shoe Eating Hell unleashing their God forsaken fury??? How much is a girl expected to take????!!! Break out the wine and vodka, I'll be right over.

MrsBlogAlot said...

Anyone who cracks their gum around me gets the evil look and a growl. Then they have the nerve to look at me like I'm the crazy one raised by Britney Spears.

Liz said...

sending some train engine steam your way!

um, i'm still sitting with my hand over my mouth, in shock and terror over the destruction that was the most perfect pair of siren shoes! oh joann!!!!

granny1947 said...

Oh Dear...I would have killed the didn't.. did you?
Enjoy your critique...lovely to have someone to share your experience...must be such a sense of achievement to finish a whole book...I admire you no end!!!

Amanda said...

Well, at least he didn't call you a Cabbage Patch Kid! Love(d) the condolences. And, finally, how great that you've found a critque partner, and are almost ready to go! I'm about 100 steps behind you, but am excited just the same. Can't wait to hear the outcome~

Art Chick said...

I just love reading your's like a roller coaster of emotions, and I love every minute of it!

I hate movie talkers. One of my worst anniversaries EVER was the result of some teenage movie talkers, whose parents couldn't have cared less about their bratty, foul mouthed youngsters. Everyone in the theater was annoyed by them, and yet my husband was the only one who bothered to say something. He actually got up, walked the three rows in front of us and asked them, politely, to "please SHUT UP." They laughed at him. And their parents laughed at him. And then they replied, "why don't YOU shut up. It's a free country."

And all I could think was, yes, clearly it is, because only in a free country could smart ass kids become the poster children for moronic comebacks, and bad parenting, while at the movie theater.

Thanks for a great post! Your randomness is A-OK by me. :)

Lula Lola said...

Polly Pocket, what the heck does that even mean? I have to say, I can't blame your husband. That one is too weird to let go!
And Williams Shatner? We live in a strange, strange world.

Grace said...

He seriously called you "Polly Pocket"?! Why didn't you go all SALT on his ass?

And I have to say I've been in your shoes when it comes to my shoes and my dogs. I feel your pain.

Loulou La Poule said...

Moronica is a Dogwipe.

TJ and Chippie are HOT! Liev is HOT!

KYLIE IS HOT! JEEBUS, HOW OLD IS SHE? I WANT HER PERSONAL TRAINER AND HER PLASTIC SURGEON. And her lips!!! They did a great job on her lips...much better than Meg Ryan's.

Okay, maybe not her personal trainer, 'cause those guys hurt, but I could flat handle a few lip injections, given enough Valium.

You rock and I'm ready to buy that book right now.

Baby Sister said...

I can't believe Paris is coming out with another CD...I'm surprised her first one sold ANY!!
I'll ponder on the Polly far nothing.
I <3 Liev. He is sooo good looking. And he was great in that movie!!
Sad about the shoes. :( Sorry!!

Ms. G said...

AHH AHHH Noooo. That's all my mind could think of with the shoes.
My condolences.
And Polly Pocket? Yeah, that's just weird.

Pat said...

Show talkers: bad

gum poppers: idiots

slow drivers in the left lane: senior citizens

ruined shoes: sad

Polly Pocket: hysterical

music video: thumbs up

Anonymous said...

Hi Joann,

I'm so sorry about your new sandals. I got an ominous feeling when I saw the toothmark in the first picture. Your husband needs to come up with a new insurance product...Shoe Insurance! On another note, have you noticed that you and I have been eerily in sync the past couple of posts? My last post was also entitled "random thoughts" No sad story, though. And the one before that was about (sort of) reunions. Mine was about wine and reunions and yours was about shoes and reunions, but maybe they were both really about addictions and reunions??? Also, wanted to let you know that in last months issue of Fast Company they did a big article on Apple, and when they named some Apple stalkers I fully expected to see your husband's picture but they somehow overlooked him! Was Polly one of the Little Women? Or maybe he's comparing you to Jennifer Aniston? Wasn't her name Polly in some movie with Ben Stiller?

Unknown said...

Wi lliam Sha tner? Really? Maybe he wanted to stop the random word splicing...

That truly was a sad story, you've made us all cry.

I just wanted to return your visit, say hi & read your interesting stories!

Thank you for your visit to my blog & your comment, it was appreciated.

Nance said...

After the Stock Market crashed in '08, I was looking for the bright spots. About the only one I found was that--for a while, anyway--we weren't bombarded with Paris Hilton at every turn. She and her special brand of consumerism disappeared in a pink puff of NOTHING WHATSOFRICKINEVAH.

I am truly sorry to learn that there's some so-called "music" producer out there who, in this time of angst for the entire music industry, is cashing in on a sure money maker (and a real taste-maker, too) like Ms. Hilton. She's just a Gaga KNOW she is, girl!

Heather said...

Better your shoes than the couch. A great blog with a wide variety of content. You really deserved the BON award. Heather

rebecca said...

I came here from Blog of Cheese and so glad I did. I was going to comment on how funny your post was until....

Until I got to the savagely eaten brain just short-circuited and it can't get back on track. I love shoes. I love shoes as much as the next girl and I totally get 'sensible heels' cause there's nothing oxymoronic about that! Those shoes were hot. Shit. Eff the language, I could make it more colorful but it's my first time here and first impressions and all that you know....shit!

Ash said...

You and my hubs would be a perfect match. I had to listen to him bitch and moan all 800+ miles from Dallas to Grayton - you can only imagine how many left-hand driving morons we passed. By the time we made it to the Florida state line, I finally had to tell him to shut it.

And, oh a yummy manuscript to dig in to! Jealous. Enjoy it like your pup did those adorable shoes. (So very sorry my dear.)

Rae said...

If anyone can get a book published, it is you! And none more deserving, either.
Thanks for the laughter- and the tears. Those shoes were darling!

Judie said...

Those shoes look defective. Take them back to the store and get your money back!

I want to know just how that goon knew about Polly Pocket.


Meg at the Members Lounge said...

GASP! I love all that is metallic, and those sandals were a dream come true. Perhaps you could get a do-over?

Melissa B. said...

We suffered thru 3 weeks of the DC Snipers in 2002. Can't believe Captain Kirk is giving this lunatic any street cred at all. PS: I've been away, but wanted to congratulate you on your BON nod. Bravo!

Unknown said...

I am crying salty tears of sadness for your shoes. I cannot believe it. When is the funeral?

jayayceeblog said...

Oh dear God, I am sorry for your loss and send you positive vibes to keep on living, even without those fantabulous silver shoes. I love dogs, but that bastard Moronica may be pure evil. Evil on the level of movie talkers and idiots who slow drive in the fast lane!!! My granddaughter had some Polly Pockets and they're very cute ... does that help?

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