The Spammers Are Back Talking About Crackhead Teeth
Monday, September 27, 2010

Yes. I am interrupting vacation tales, AGAIN for some other nonsense. 

And I know, I know you're saying, "Please, Suh, more vacation pictchahs." (That would be my version of pictures with an English accent. I am aware it's jacked up.)

But life just keeps whirring on by and I have so much to tell you and if I don't, I'll just explode. 

And I know you don't want that on your conscience, do you, Internet?

"Well, she had so much she wanted to say, but I didn't care, I just wanted more vacation tales and the next thing I know, bits of tissue and body organ matter were sticking to me."

See, you have an obligation to keep me in a non-explosive state. So, with that: 

First of all, Yay! The world is a sparklier place now that we've gained back one handsome man. 

Have you heard? Joaquin Phoenix was just KIDDING!

Whew. 

Because when he hopped on the bus to Crazy Town and grew his Amish beard and wore dark sunglasses and was spewing nonsense on David Letterman and rapping. Rapping? I thought, Say it ain't so Joaquin.


Because, It would have been a crime to lose such hotness.

And not only that, he is just one of those actors who slips into his roles so seamlessly. 

I saw Walk The Line like 14 quadrillion times because I loved Joaquin's Johnny. I just totally believed I was watching Johnny Cash and if I'd been Reese Witherspoon, I would have been, "Oh, hell yeah, Mr. Johnny/Joaquin, you bring your drugs and your husky voice and your scarred, sexy lip right on in this here hotel room. No please, please, please, necessary."

Like I said, I've seen the movie a few times. 

Joaquin went on Dave Letterman the other night, the scene of his wacky shenanigans last year. This time, he was freshly shaven, wearing a beautiful suit, with that still sort of dangerous glint in his eye.

Which is okay, dangerous glints are intoxicating. Just don't add a gnarly beard and rapping to the mix. 

Joaquin was apologetic to Dave and admitted it is was all just one stupid hoax made up by him and Ben Affleck's little brother, Casey. The two of them made a documentary about Joaquin and the year of living crazy. 

Joaquin, with his handsome so rightfully back in place, was promoting his film on Dave. He was spouting new age crap about this film delving into perceptions of celebrity. And don't you worry, Internet, I will review it. Even if it means, staring at Joaquin's gnarly beard for a couple of hours. 

Because, I'm just all about you. 

I''m sure it was all that Casey Affleck's idea, since he's probably desperate to crawl out from beneath Ben's chiseled chin shadow. 

So, yes Joaquin is back. Go on out there, Joaquin and get busy making more hot movies for me to sigh over. 

Next:

I received another fabulous spam, guys, which I'd like to share with you, today. This one was almost as brilliant as my, "Help! I'm being held by Russians and if I don't spam you, they're going to kill me."

I'm going to take this bit by bit for you. Here's the first part:

Hey, you experienced have hallatosis breath because of old rotten teeth. I bet you do that's why alot of you are always on the Internet. lol looking for sedatives and fast money because you need dental work immediately. 

I'm not even going to touch on the bad grammar, spelling and punctuation skills of this spammer. But I will say, I think the spamming industry needs to perhaps, reconsider their hiring standards. I mean, if you're going to create spam all day about rotten teeth, shouldn't you at least know how to spell halitosis? And I won't even begin on a lot. Two words, dude, two words. 

And clearly, they are off the mark, when it comes to their halitosis demographics. They're accusing me of surfing the net for sedatives and money to pay for my dental work. Me. The girl who has 3 different kinds of floss in her purse. The girl who is at the dentist getting her teeth cleaned more than she's at her hairdresser's.

I am not surfing the net for sedatives and money. I am surfing the net for this:


And this:


And oftentimes this:


My new spammer buddy goes on to say:

Anyway, I'm not selling anything or anything

Oh, so you just wanted to say Hi and call me Halitosis Breath with bad spelling? Okay and I'm not a shoe slut or a shoe slut. 

But I do want to encourage everyone to look up veneers. google it or find it somewher or ask your dentist.  It is the freaking best thing in the world. 

Because veneers are the answer? Cover up the rot. That'll fix it. And where is somewher? Is that a place? Perhaps over the rainbow.

And sorry, but I have a policy. I don't buy anything from folks who use the words, "It's the freaking best . . . " If you have to resort to freaking best, you, man, are desperate. Maybe you should go try to sell your freaking best crap somewher else. 

All that sugary candy that those assholes at mars got you tricked you and got you and your wife running around looking like the wicked witches and wizards of the west. You go to the dentist and get a cleaning but what the hell is that going to do? 

Okay, now you're hitting below the belt. The Mars corporation is not an asshole. You are the asshole, you bad spelling, freaking best spammer. Mars is like the confectionary angel of the earth. They make Mars Bars and Snickers and Dove Bars. So, no they are not tricking me. They are keeping me deliciously happy. 

And my wife? Granted, he doesn't watch A LOT, (notice the spelling, spammer) of sports and he likes fancy dishes and he has a favorite flower, but he can shoot a target dead center from a thousand yards away and he has no tolerance for feelings and Oprah and Project Runway and quiche. And the other day, I found a belt, a new belt, still laced into his dirty jeans in the hamper.

And when I went to pull this belt out of the loops, I realized it had fish. On the belt.

Embroidered fish on an article of clothing. I actually gasped. And then I thought, "I have a man who owns a fish belt . . . shit."

So, I wouldn't exactly call him a girl. 

And a teeth cleaning, Mr. Freaking Best Spammer, is going to do a hell of A LOT. Ahem. It will rid you of plaque, halitosis and gingivitis, no matter how fast you empty that bag of Dove miniatures. 

And, Silly Spammer, there are no wizards of the west. The wizards are all at Waverly Place and Hogwarts. They are not in the west. Perhaps you're thinking of somewher. Else.

You've got caved in teeth, appalachian mountain teeth, rocky mountain teeth, and general crackhead related teeth. It's rough on you I know but it's true. I used to be the same way. I did happen to spend a couple g's on some veneers in atlanta ga. Now I do bust out a smile on every occasion I meet a face . . .

Okay. Let's just process this last sweet, sales ploy, shall we? What is the purpose of calling people out on their bad teeth? Even if I did have caved in teeth or appalachian mountain teeth, (whatever that is) or rocky mountain teeth, (which by the way, I have been to the Rocky Mountains and those people have beautiful teeth. In fact, everything about them is beautiful and glossy and perfect, so I think you're all set if you have Rocky Mountain anything, pretty much.) Or crackhead related teeth (And what does that mean? If you're related to a crackhead, you have bad teeth?), but even if I had any of these sort of supposedly bad teeth, I certainly wouldn't want it pointed out to me on the Internet, by a bad spelling spammer. And, let me just say, if you've got crackhead teeth, I'm pretty sure, searching for veneers on the Internet should be your lowest priority. Might want to google, rehab facilities. Hmmmm? 

I'm glad the Freaking Best Spammer can now bust out a smile, thanks to his many G'd veneers from Atlanta, Georgia. But I sure hope, he's not talking when he's busting out in a smile, because his grasp of the English language is appalling, no matter how pretty his teeth are now. 

Veneers is a big step over gold and silver teeth replacements which are gaudy and look crazy. 

 I'm not sure I've ever looked at someone with a gold grill and thought, "You know, that's just a little too gaudy for me." I'm looking at someone with gold or silver caps on their teeth and thinking, "WTF?"

And there you have it, another delightful spam. Keep em coming, Freaking Best Spammers. Keep em coming.

And then there's one more thing: An update on my novel.

As I said before, in a moment of grace, I wrangled myself a critique partner, an aspiring author who also has a manuscript ready to go. We swapped novels last month and gave each other a deadline of Sept. 25 to finish critiquing each other's work.

A.B. was finished a few days before the deadline, because she is smart and organized and super efficient and I am not. I am not worthy of that kind of partner.

Even though we had over 30 days to critique, I was bogged down with first days of school, moving my girl back to college, high school reunions, vacations filled with wine and Mexico, washing machines that went on the fritz, homecoming dances  and the deadly trio of housework, moronic dogs, and ducks to drive me slowly insane.

And so of course, Saturday morning, bright and early, I was staring down 2/3 of a still unedited novel.

And yes, I will admit to being disorganized and easily distracted by a man who keeps things fun around here. I'm also a cusser. I'm shallow. I cannot whistle or say the word entrepreneur. (I just mangle the crap out of it, so I avoid it.) I'm terrible at returning phone calls because I'm not a phone talker unless it's my sister. I'm really judgemental of bad driving, people with more than the allotted items in the express lane, bad fashion and folks who have horrific taste in music. I scream at my kids and I'm a drooler, big time. I'm talking, slurpy rivers of drool just flow out of my mouth at random times. It's quite embarrassing . . . for my kids, that is. I'm just used to it by now.

But the one thing I am, is a woman of my word. If I say I'm going to do it, nothing will stand in my way.

So, I announced on Saturday morning that I was not to be disturbed for the entire day. Because an edit should always be given its due diligence. An edit means going over a manuscript with a fine tooth comb.

Of course, hanging out the Do Not Disturb sign, is like hanging a carrot over my donkey family's heads.

I heard, "Mo-o-o-m!" between every other sentence, like little bleating sheep, pestering me with every bit of minutiae they could muster until I had to have a screaming fit, I told you I was a screamer and a slammer of doors. And finally the peace I demanded came over the house and I was able to lose myself in A. B. Keuser's, incredible novel.

I finished at 11:48 p.m.

Because that's the kind of critique partner I am, a slaphappy (isn't that a great word?), but diligent and always true to her word partner.

I didn't open my partner's critique and notes until after I was finished. It just didn't seem right. And so, the minute after I sent my notes and revisions to her, I opened up her notes on my manuscript.

And as soon as the words unfolded before me, I groaned.

Her cover letter of notes was organized and beautiful with different fonts and colors and headings and just a true work of beauty and I know, if it had been in the real world, her critique would have been laminated and bound.

And even though I took great care with the content of my notes, they were not pretty, not by a long shot.

And so for that, dear Critique Partner, I am sorry. Know that I did take my responsibility seriously, just not attractively.

This week I cannot wait to delve into her edit. Fix, spit and polish. And then, we are off. Eeeek!

I'll keep you informed.

Today's Definite Download" A Silent Film's, "You Will Leave A Mark".  I hope these guys just get bigger and bigger and bigger. I love their almost orchestrational, edgy, alternative sound. Here's a link to their song, so you can see for yourself.

"You Will Leave A Mark" for A.B. and for me. (don't you love the way I'm always dedicating songs to myself?), Because we are on our way, man, bound and determined to leave our mark. Mine of course, will be a drool stain. 




37 comments:

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Do you know how happy I was to see normal, sexy, glinty, well dressed, clean shaven Joaquin back on Letterman the other night? I knew deep down it was all an act. I knew. Stupid Casey Affleck. I blame him.

So glad I decided to pee before reading your second part about your well spoken spammer. I would have leaked for sure. What is the deal with these creatons? But it did remind me I need to call the dentist.

twelvedaysold said...

Glad you got your edit done on time!

And I never knew how to say Joaquin. For years after Signs came out, I thought his name was pronounced "Joe-ah-quin". Until one day I said it. "Joe-ah-quin Phoenix". And then my sister destroyed any dignity I had.

Noelle said...

Those spammers messed with the wrong woman!

Glad your edit is done!!!

Pat said...

I'm happy Joaquin's back in the real world. I saw him on Letterman both last year when he was a nut, and this year with his tail between his legs!

Crazy spammers! Oh, and as if meth users would want to spend money on fixing their teeth!

Glad you finished your editing. A promise is a promise!

Now's the hard part - reworking your novel. Good luck!

randine said...

I laughed out loud at "The complete guide to things that might kill you."
That is too funny.

And as for the spammers-- I'm confused. Are they trying to sell you veneers? Is that it?
Wierd, but hilarious.
I'm pretty sure that people who are strung out on meth don't have computers, period. They sold it to buy more meth, obviously.

Work hard on your novel cuz I can't wait to see it on the shelves!!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

This is the funniest thing ever. seriously, I almost died, especially when you started talking about your wife with the fish belt.
My wife, well, he's got 5 grand in dental work coming up, thanks to a faulty veneer that will soon be a completely fake tooth.
Ah me.

Hulk (Who has big hands, too...) said...

I always get spam about stuff that will make my man regions bigger and work better...

As if...

The Furry Godmother said...

I've spent many a weekend in Appalachia, in the mountains of West Virginia. Paw Paw to be exact, where my childhood friend and I stayed with her parents and made apple butter.

Their teeth are like a picket fence without Tom Sawyer's whitewashing.

So Spamhole got that right at least.

From Tracie said...

Oh my gosh this is the freakin best spam ever (sorry, I couldn't resist) It is the best evisceration of spam that I have ever read.

Even spammers can't help a fish belt. That junk has to be burned while very specific incantations are spoken to keep it from coming back.

I watched Joaquin on Letterman the other night and sent up silent cheers. Cheers for the hot-ness. Bring on the hot-ness!

Now...give us those vacation pictchahs!

Nancy C said...

I fear that Joaquin has forever lost his place in my heart. I'll always see that beard.

Thankfully, there is still Robert Downey Jr.

Sandra said...

Why is it such a relief to read that Joaquin was "Just kidding!" with the whole beard, ugly guy thing? It's not like he's my lover...yet.
Anyway, I laughed my way through this post, and quite honestly, I'm sorry you're dealing with spammers, but come on, this is great material they gave you! Honestly, you should be paying them...or getting veneers.
Ok, back to Joaquin and Casey, and yes, the boy is totally trying to get out from under Ben's beautiful shadow. Does Casey have a hair lip too? Well, if he doesn't, he should. It doesn't seem to be slowing wackjob Joaquin down...see I can say that about him because he's my boyfriend...well, he will be.

Judie said...

First, you should send that veneer scammer to me! I will set him straight about dental care!

Next, are you going to keep that edit all to your self??? Inquiring minds want to know!
xoxo

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Were you strung out on caffeine when you wrote this post? I was totally out of breath when I finished it!

Deidra said...

Believe me, this will make you actually ENJOY finding the "alot" spelling error:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

Trust me, just read it. It's freaking hilarious. :)

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, I am not one to say, because I am not the most beautiful dude on the block, but Joaquin has some of the strangest nostrils I have ever seen. They are like elongated nostrils.

As for hypochondriacs like myself: my son has a swollen lymph node in his neck and I am freaking out. Hypochondriacism is even worse when it comes to your own kids.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

His nostrils? I'm not looking at his nostrils. Can I make that first shot of him my screen savor?

Don't worry about the lymph nodes Cheeseboy unless there are other symptoms or he's still a baby.

Jennifer M. said...

HAHAHA This post cracked me up so much. I love it when you critique these ridiculous spam e-mails you get. And thank you for those gorgeous pics of Joaquin Phoenix. I'm not sure if I believe all of that was a hoax, but anyways, Thank GOD he got rid of that hideous beard. He looked HORRIBLE!

Always look forward to your posts. :)

Cheryl said...

Where to begin? Where? I love the spammers. Love 'em. Especially the one who told me my blog post was some "effed up shit." Awesome.

I want to know the purpose of the spam. It goes to the spam filter. We delete it. It has not in any way contributed to society or made its owner a bloody red cent.

Joaquin? Rrrrrowrl. Also, yum. And? Sigh.

I would also like to say that I'd be honored to have your chicken scratch on my manuscript someday. A girl can dare to dream!

Christine Macdonald said...

"I''m sure it was all that Casey Affleck's idea, since he's probably desperate to crawl out from beneath Ben's chiseled chin shadow."

You are one helluva funny gal.

Love you xxoo

Grace said...

I hadn't heard about the Joaquin hoax. Thank you for that. That craziness on Letterman last year really bothered me.

Have I told you that my daughter goes to school with Bono's daughter? They've hung out a few times. Morgan says she's a cool chick. Just like her dad, I guess?

abkeuser said...

The only reason there are different fonts and colors and headings is because I write in such a disorganized fashion that I have to give myself roadmaps or else it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!

The reason my chapters dont have titles, just numbers, is because those original titles are two to three sentence descriptions of what's in the chapter so that I didnt get off track.

Your Edit is thourough and that is all that matters. Besides, remember, I'm 3 hours behind you, so you were 3 hours ahead of schedule! :D

Kelly said...

I knew Joaquin's act was just that, an act. I give him props, however, for staying in his wackjob character as long as he did.

Isn't it amazing how your family has no need of you until you inform them that a) you want to be undisturbed and 2) you're on an important phone call and then they desperately need your attention. Every. Single. Time.

My latest spam was one from Netflix (we don't belong to Netflix) apologizing for losing "Time Traveler's Wife and asking for my credit card information again. Um, yeah. No.

Erica said...

Hilarious and astute, as always. And btw, my favorite spam messages are always the: "Help! I am a Nigerian prince being helped captive by a crew of rogue miltants. I just need to borrow from you ransom money in the amount of $5000 but will surely pay you back upon my return."

:-|

Nigerian prince, if I had $5K to throw around, I'd have far more pretty shoes and dinners out.

An Imperfect Momma said...

Hysterical as always! Glad you got your edit done :) and as for Joaquin? Never really been a fan. Ever since I saw Gladiator. He always grossed me out.

jayayceeblog said...

Wow, 11:48 p.m. You live life right on the edge and I love it! Can't wait to read your published novel!!!

Katie said...

Oh, I love "A Silent Film"! They're actually pretty good to run to, although lately I've been losing myself in The Blue Man Group.

As for your friendly neighborhood spammer: I swear I curled my toes when I read what he was trying to sell you. Being an English major as well as a child of English teachers, ugh! Makes me cringe to the ends of the earth and back. It's why I never caught on to the whole texting/LOL crap---if God wanted us to spell that way, then He wouldn't have had the dictionary invented! : )

Andrea said...

Gosh, he was SOOOO good in Walk the Line. You are so right! He gets RIGHT into character!!! I was glad to hear he was back too, regardless of his reasons for Joaquin Gone Wild.

deb said...

You are brilliant.
You are.
How you spin such a post of everything from anything and leave me feeling like I love you is a sign of brilliance.

I've been getting spammed with attached resumes . I take them as hints that someone thinks I should be working instead of dreaming of writing . Or at least writing instead of posting and reading blogs.

You are seriously inspiring.

and as an aside. I don't know what to say to your comment love to me. I think I might call myself a writer or something close soon. Someone called me an encourager. Is that life path? I am a healing from broken greatly blessed still messing up daily mom who still hasn't figured out what she wants to be when she grows up. I've tried a few things... and perhaps something will come of this.. this thing I'm doing. Getting validated from people such as yourself makes it seem real. It does. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I consider your notes on my heart invaluable.

Deborah said...

You work best under pressure yes?

As for JP, I knew it! I knew it! I knew it when it was happening, but no one would believe me.

He's still shit-bat crazy and I will love him forever.

Kelley said...

Oh, I really enjoyed those pictures. All of them. Thanks so much, JM. And I'm glad to know that about Joaquin! I didn't know it was all a hoax. Well, thank GOOTNESS! He was tore up from the floor up on David Letterman's show that first time. On a different topic, I am so going to go to "your" Wal-Mart, sit Pam down and give her a little talking-to. Doesn't she know that even laundry hurts your feelings? She needs to be more careful with your emotions!

Paul and Kerry said...

I'm convinced that spammers are only hired because english is their 2nd language. And they didn't get to take a class or anything.

"I have a man with a fish belt...shit" LMAO!!!

you are just awesome!

Alyson -- Common Sense, Dancing said...

How come I don't get interesting spam like that? I'm always the recipient of some large sum of money overseas. It's really exhausting to keep track of it all.

Here's the thing: JP scares me. He's got that "one day I'm gonna go rogue on your ass" look about him, and I see it every time I look at a photo of him -- doesn't matter which photo. So really, this latest incarnation -- the "giving up films to grow a habitat for small animals on my chin and throw down a little bad poetry over a hip hop beat" thing is just proof of that.

I don't like to be scared. I like to have George Clooney drinking coffee at my kitchen table in his boxers whilst perusing the NYT.

But, hey, this is what makes the world go round.

The Empress said...

Only with you, ONLY with you, will I sit and read every word with my chin in my hand, and be unable to hear a thing of anything else around me.

Like, just now, I finished your post, and then I heard the radio. But, through the reading, I didn't hear a thing...anywhere.

You take me someplace else.

And when your book comes out, I'm going to buy 3 copies...one for my bed, one for downstairs, and one for in my purse...so I can stick my head in another world anytime.

Anytime, that you put pen to paper, I am transported.

You are one in a million.

cardiogirl said...

I'm not sure which line is my favorite:

I would have been, "Oh, hell yeah, Mr. Johnny/Joaquin, you bring your drugs and your husky voice and your scarred, sexy lip right on in this here hotel room.

Or this:


All that sugary candy that those assholes at mars got you tricked you and got you and your wife running around looking like the wicked witches and wizards of the west.


Those big wigs at Mars *are* assholes, aren't they?

Shell said...

At least it gave you some entertainment. Most spam is just annoying.

Baby Sister said...

Your spammer stories always crack me up.

I hate when, on the days when I'm in a hurry or need things to be quiet, it always goes the wrong way.

Yay for editing being done!! :)

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