Why, George Clooney, Why?
Friday, September 17, 2010

I was going to post more vacation stories today, but I have to get this off my chest.



I saw the worst movie of all times last night. Worse than this.

My Hubby asked me if I'd like to see a movie. I usually just narrow my eyes and say, "Which one?" 

And he usually answers with, "One of of those love stories you like."

And no, he is not the perfect man. 

He is lying. 

He has no intention of seeing a love story. What he means is, "I want to watch a love affair, preferably something about my love affair with guns and car chases and things and people blowing up constantly and of course Angelina Jolie in a leather catsuit." 

That's his definition of a love story. 

But this time he said, "The new movie with George Clooney." And since anything with George Clooney can't be all that bad, I decided to go. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

Hitting my forehead into a concrete wall over and over and over again wrong. 

George Clooney's, The American is just awful. 

More awful than a chorus of Real Housewives singing, "We Are The World." 

More awful than hash from a can. 

More awful than MRSA. 

The movie theater had 4 other people in it. When the movie was over, there were 2. 

The movie totally hoodwinks you into thinking that this is just going to be an on the edge of your seat kind of movie. 

It opens with George taking a walk with what seems to be his Swedish girlfriend, when he sees prints in the snow. She of course, thinks it's an animal. He says nothing, but looks somber. He will spend the next 105 minutes vacillating between looking somber or tired. I'm really not sure which because . . .  oh, did I forget to mention there's NO TALKING in this movie. I'm pretty sure if you counted up the dialogue, it would amount to 23 words. And George got 8 of them. 

He can't talk, he's too busy emoting. 

And I love George. My sister is planning on marrying him someday. But the man is not very good at emoting. He's good at charming. He's good at that gorgeous smirk thing of his. He's good at being the ladies' man and being the man's man. He's good at robbing casinos and being brilliant in, Oh Brother Where Art Thou? He's good at looking magnificent in a suit. 

He is not good at emoting. 

Anyway, back to the only scene in the movie that didn't make me sigh loudly. So, next thing you know, someone is shooting at George and his innocent girlfriend. George whips out a gun and without even aiming or seeing the shooter for that matter, he shoots the gunman dead with one shot. As he's leaning over the dead man's body, she is all a flustery because she had no idea he had a gun or could shoot people blindly for that matter. He yells at her to go back to the cabin and call the police, thus using up most of his dialogue for the entire movie. And when she does exactly what he asks, walking as quickly as she can in the snow back to the cabin, he shoots her in the back of the head and BAM, she's down and dead. She was just an innocent girlfriend. 

I think. 

I really have no idea because none of this is ever explained. It's hard to explain things when NO ONE TALKS. 

But I think, even though he liked her, he felt he had to shoot her to keep her quiet. At least that's what I'm guessing. It was shocking. It made me gasp and jump a little in my seat. And I thought, "We have got ourselves a movie!"

Now, I don't need murder or gun play or any action at all to make my movie viewing a pleasant one. Far from it, actually. 

I like me a story. I like quirky. I like suspenseful. I like avant-garde. I like historical and love stories and comedies and documentaries. I don't care what it is, as long as it's written well. 

When you have no words, it's not written well. 

The next thing I know George is in Italy. Why? I have no idea. But that was the beginning of the driving scenes. 

There were many, many scenes of George driving down the long stretches of roads that make up rural Italy. 

So many, that one of the 2 moviegoers said out loud at one point, "Okay, we get it! He drives!"

And I'm not talking car chases with the fancy stunt car driving. I'm talking driving and driving and driving and driving and driving. Just George and his car and the road. Just George and his somber and or tired face, driving. He doesn't even turn on the radio. 

And when he's not driving, he's drinking coffee, sitting in a little Italian cafe drinking out of those tiny cups looking tired and or somber. He rubbed his face a lot. I think that was part of the emoting.


Oh, and also, this movie gave him a chance to show off his Italian since he lives in Italy now. I'm not sure if he has a good grasp of the language, but I can tell you he certainly can order a coffee very fluently in Italian. 

And then he'd just sit there in silence drinking the coffee, emoting.

It was so quiet in the movie theater, I kept shooting my hubby dirty looks every time he'd snatch up a few more peanut M&M's. His candy rustling was the loudest thing in the whole theater.

Another big part of the action would be when George would go to the pay phone and call this wrinkled up, scraggly looking dude who was really scary looking. The kind of scary, like this guy is really good at torturing people scary. So, he would call this scary, torture guy up and whenever the torture guy would realize it was George on the line, he would sigh heavily, like he was very annoyed George Clooney was calling him. 

I would never sigh heavily if George Clooney called me. I would breathe heavily if he wanted me to, but I would not sigh. 

And then George would use up more of his dialogue by saying, "The Swedes found me." 

Now who are the Swedes, you are asking? 

Well, I have no idea. 

But throughout the movie he catches sight of, I guess, what are Swedes following him and in one unexplained scene, he chases down a Swede who looks like Danny Bonaduce with very short hair and Euro clothing who was following him. 

The Swede is in a car. George is on a motor scooter. 

But of course, George overtakes the Swede even though he's on a scooter chasing a car and he shoots out the tires of, clearly, this very slow car and then walks up to the car and breaks The Swede's neck. And then he just walks away, never bothering to check ID to make sure the slow driver is a Swede and not Danny Bonaduce just looking for another 15 minutes. 

But throughout the movie, George will occasionally go to the pay phone, call the craggy faced, torture dude and announce again, "The Swedes are after me."

And this is when I grew even more confused. Aren't the Swedish people pretty neutral in all matters? Aren't they peace loving? I really haven't heard much about Swedish thugs or assassins. I thought the Swedes were better known for their meatballs and ABBA.  

The craggy face torture guy keeps ordering George to do the drop. Do not ask. Because I do not know. 

George is living in a very small town in Italy at the time where evidently the only people who inhabit this town are coffee shop owners, a jowly priest and prostitutes. We'll get to the priest and the prostitutes in a minute. 

The reason I think this is a ghost town, because another consistent scene throughout the movie is George walking throughout the town. He is always walking, either to the coffee shop or walking home to stare somberly and he always thinks someone is following him. So you see him looking around all somber or tired, but no one is ever there. There are no people in this town, except for the one time Danny Bonaduce caught up with him. And there are just giant scenes of him walking and walking and walking around the town. No one ever just passes by him with a "Wassup George". There's never a small group of folks huddled outside having a smoke. No one is ever walking their dog. They must have had zero money in the budget for extras. 

The other integral part of the movie is "The Drop", whatever that is. This entails walking and walking and walking to a farmer's market type of thing where George orders a big block of cheese from an Italian woman. So now we know he is very good at ordering both cheese and coffee in Italian. 

He sees a beautiful girl and he watches her with his somber eyes and when she goes to a little outdoor cafe to, you got it, get some coffee. He follows her and sits right next to her and yes, orders some coffee. 

Caffe Americano. I know that phrase by heart now. 

And the next thing you know, they're talking out of the corners of their mouths to each other as they look off into the distance and you have no idea what they're talking about, because they're pretty much just spouting off terms and numbers. 

But then the real fun begins and George is seen in his apartment—building a gun. And that's when the terms like range and silencer and millimeters make sense. And guess what? There are these really, really detailed scenes of George putting the gun together. 

Every single piece of that damn gun. And just so you know, a gun has a lot of pieces.  

He builds this gun over a period of time, so lucky, lucky us got to see all kinds of scenes of him building his gun and then stopping and staring off into the distance looking somber and then rubbing his face some more. 

Then there's the priest. I have no idea why he's even in the movie. He just spends all his time telling George he knows George is a sinner because he can see it in his face. I guess it's because of all the face rubbing. 

And now we get to the prostitute. To me, she was the best part of the movie. She just lit up the scenes whenever she was on camera, giving the movie a bit of brightness in contrast to the somber George and the craggy face torture Dude and the jowly priest.

George started going to her because . . . well, I guess because he had to work off some of that energy from all the coffee. He sure wasn't burning much staring off into space and building a gun at an excruciatingly slow pace.

Now, there is a very intense sex scene in this movie. I couldn't really concentrate though, because that was when my hubby opened up his M&M's and the rustling candy bag nearly drove me over the edge that I was standing on because of this awful movie. 

But I found this one thing quite ironic. As they're going at it, the prostitute mutters one phrase, "Slower. Slower."

And I'm all, "No! No! We do not need this movie to go any slower, even if it is a sex scene with George Clooney." This move was that painful. I'd had enough of George Clooney doing things sloooowly. I was so fed up, I didn't even want to see him having sex slowly.

Oh, and also because I guess George likes butterflies, although this is never quite explained in the movie because did I mention, THERE WAS NO TALKING, he had a big-ass tattoo of a butterfly across his back that was quite evident during the sex scene. 

Now, all I have to say on that is— George Clooney, that butterfly tat better not be real. 

Because if you really do have a great big butterfly on your back, I will personally come to Italy and hold you down as it gets lasered off. 

George Clooney and a butterfly tattoo.

That is just wrong on so many levels.

In between romping with the prostitute, being called a sinner by the priest and walking, drinking coffee and driving, George FINALLY finishes building his gun. 

I guess no one has ever told these people that you can buy guns in all kinds of places. Even special guns with illegal things can be bought for the right price, usually from a guy named Dr. Massacre. You don't have to go to Italy and hide in a small town from all the Swedes to get an illegal gun. It just seems like an awful lot of extra work to me. 

So George meets the mysterious woman who talks out of the side of her mouth and gives her the gun. They meet in the woods, down by the river. 

The mysterious woman brings her own target. It is a brass flower. She takes the gun and shoots that freakin flower, just a hair away from the dead center. She tells George it needs an adjustment and she'll meet him after he's adjusted it.

What is this gun for and why does it have to be built by George in a remote town in Italy and why does this beautiful woman need to meet him by the river to shoot it and why does it need to be so specific that it can hit a brass flower target dead center and why are there Swedes after George, are all answers I do not know. But I can tell you this, in a silent movie theater peanut M&M wrappers sound like thunder. 

In the meantime, George has fallen in love with the prostitute. How do I know this? 

Because for the first time in the movie, he smiled. At the prostitute. 

And he realizes he wants to quit his life of whatever it is that he does, a life of building guns in Italy and drinking coffee and looking for Swedes. Why he does any of these things. I do not know. 

He tells the craggy face guy over the pay phone, "I'm Done" using up the last of his 8 words. Instead of sighing, the craggy face guy is stunned into silence. Something I'm very familiar with at this time. Silence, that is. And then the torture guy tells him "Fine." They get off the phone and you see the craggy face man make another phone call where he says, "Here's what you need to do."

This was about the biggest conversation in the whole movie. And I still had no idea what was happening. 

George then brings the gun to the side mouth talking lady and I'll give you one big guess where they meet. 

If you guessed coffee shop, you would be correct!

George gives her the gun, she gives George a wad of cash and away they go their separate ways. 

But then it shows the woman in her car and the craggy face torture man is calling her and asking her if she took care of George and she's all, "Not yet. But I'm following him."

So, at this point I'm done with the sighing and I'm actually starting to laugh behind my hand, so as not to disturb the 2 other movie goers. I am laughing at the ridiculousness of this movie and that someone actually thought this would be a good idea. 

I could see them pitching it to George who was also the producer. 

"So George, in this movie, you're not going to talk. You're just going to converse . . .  through your face. And this is your chance to show off your Italian when you order coffee and cheese. And also, we're going to focus this movie on you driving, walking, drinking coffee and building one gun, that's it. You've heard of action movies? This is the inaction movie."

So, George is driving to meet his girlfriend prostitute at the local Mary statue procession. The Italians love to have parades around their statues of Mary. And I can say that, because I'm a Catholic.

He meets up with his very beautiful girlfriend prostitute, (cause that's realistic) at the procession and FINALLY you see there are other people living in this town. 

They must have only had enough in the budget for one day of filming with extras. 

And George is smiling and he's kissing his girl because he's done with drop offs and Swedes and gun building. I guess. And he says, "Come away with me." Ahem. Pretty Woman. 

And of course, she says yes. She's a freakin' prostitute and George Clooney has just asked her to go away with him. Duh.

I'd be all, "Give me 45 seconds. Or is that too long? Let me just go pack my blow dryer. Don't you go anywhere George Clooney."

And as he's standing in the middle of the street, making out with his girl because evidently he is no longer concerned with Swedes or anyone else and he doesn't have a care in the world, the mystery woman appears balanced on the edge of a building with the gun George Clooney built with his own hands. 

And she's got the back of his head, JFK style, right in the center of her scope. 

All of a sudden, a shot rings out. 

But, it's not George. It's the mystery woman who's been shot as she tumbles off her perch onto the street below. 

George Clooney looks up just in time to see her fall off the roof and he turns to the prostitute and yells at her to meet him in the woods, down by the river. 

He has not only taken the mystery woman to the woods, he has also taken the prostitute there, although he could not relax either time, he was too busy emoting. 

He then runs over to the woman who has most of her face shot off and asks her who ordered her to do this. 

And the thing is, even with a shot off face, she's still living and she answers him in a garble. 

I did not understand her garble nor did I care at this point, but evidently George did, because he turned right at that moment knowing torture man would be right behind him, with a gun. 

And in a hail of bullets, George kills the torture guy. 

Addendum: My blog friend, 12 Days Old, pointed it out to me that in the synopsis online, the gun is set up by George Clooney to shoot backwards. I read this post to my Hubby who stopped me at this point to say, that indeed, George Clooney, did rig the gun to shoot backwards.

I guess I wasn't paying enough attention in the gun building scenes. Can you blame me?

And I am still as in the dark as when the movie started. 

And the next scene shows George driving and driving and driving and he's emoting more than he ever has, putting on his ultra somber face and it is, at this moment, I can no longer hold it in and I burst out in laughter at the ridiculousness of this movie and George and his awful emoting. 

And as I am cracking up, I get my hubby to start laughing but suddenly I realize George is not emoting somberness. 

He is showing us his "in pain" look which looks exactly like his somber look except he is starting to slump over the steering wheel. 

And as he is driving, driving, driving, slumping and veering all over the road, he presses his hand to his stomach. He brings his hand up and there's a profuse amount of blood. And now he slumps even more and his face is growing gray. 

And here's where I was all, "You're just realizing now, after driving and driving that you are critically injured, Mr. George Clooney? What about the hemorrhaging? What about the crippling pain that comes with getting shot?"

For the record, I have never been shot. I would just assume it would be painful to have a bullet in the gut, most likely in a vital place from the looks of the blood and his gray pallor and his painful, tired look and the fact that he is losing consciousness. 

So, George is drifting in and out of consciousness from his just discovered critical bullet wound. 

But he is still driving and driving to his credit. 

And the next thing you know, his car is careening down the dirt path to the meeting place in the woods. 

And the prostitute is standing by the river and she sees him and starts running to the car. 

And I'm all, "Oh great, he's going to freakin' run her over! This movie is shitastorous!"

But instead he stops right in front of her and she's looking at him because she knows something's wrong with the way he's gray and slumped over and she starts to yell and George puts his bloody hand up to the windshield and you hear that long drawn out car horn that only means one thing in movies. 

And then . . .  

It was the end. 

The one moviegoer behind us, put it perfectly when they announced: "Are you kidding me? This is a joke, right?"

And it seems the joke was on us. The joke was on the 19 dollars we spent and the 105 minutes of my life wasted.

So sorry to spoil the ending for you. But trust me, this post, as awful as it was, was better than watching that movie. 

I think I would have been better off sneaking into the theater next door and watching this. 


At least, there was, you know, noise coming from that theater. 

I'll be back to vacation tales next week and if you haven't heard from me, I'm a bit behind, but I'll catch up with you. Don't you worry. 

Today's Definite Download: "Highway To Hell" by AC DC for Mr. George Clooney. George, this line is for you:

"I'm on the highway to hell and I'm going dowwwwn." 

Because that's how you made me feel for 105 minutes. 




56 comments:

Christine Macdonald said...

In between sessions and wanted to read you. :)

Thanks for this. I now plan on never seeing it -- not like I did before!

I like GC, but agree w/ out on these points.

Tell your sister I hope there's room in her marriage for visits from me!

xxoo
Christine

Sarah said...

Um, I just wanted you to know this is maybe the most brilliant thing I've ever read.

Noelle said...

Hooray for another movie 'watched' thanks to you!!! Sorry it was so awful and painful!

Mom vs. the boys said...

well that's one movie I'll never feel like I have to see! thanks for the tip! George doesn't even look all sexy, he looks old and tired for sure in those pictures. and why does an old graying tired man have a butterfly tat, that's just weird! lol

twelvedaysold said...

A search said that the creepy guy didn't kill the woman with the gun, but that George had made it to backfire on her.

And I just read the synopsis of it on wiki. It's the same as what you wrote here.

And yet it got a 64% on Rotten Tomatoes. And I am so glad you're here to warn me of these movies.

Oh, and who was the one who said "We get it, he drives!" Was it your husband or another patron?

LisaPie said...

I have heard nothing but great reviews on Machete. And I love Robert Rodriguez for the most part. So I will be skipping George's American and heading straight for the Machete.

Thanks for the heads up on this movie. Why, oh why, does George do this to us? He makes a good movie and 3 stinkers, and then one good one and 5 crap films. I guess consistency would be too much to ask for?

And I am really curious, how do you get the still pics from the movies to put in here?

Amethyst Anne said...

Thanks for the heads up and saving me 105 minutes!! I am pretty sure with how my weekends unfold I would be completely unable to re-group from that experience!

Baby Sister said...

Oh wow. That was painful. Such a dumb ending. Thanks for putting up with it so that I don't have to.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

I trust your judgement so we will not see it either. Poor George. What was he thinking?

TesoriTrovati said...

Thank you for sacrificing your time and sanity to prevent us from wasting ours. I think I would rather read your review of anything than have to go through it myself.

Enjoy the day!
Erin

Shell said...

I will definitely be skipping this one.

Alyson -- Common Sense, Dancing said...

I would be happiest if George would read the newspaper at my kitchen table in his boxers. I'd make him coffee, and he could practice emoting by looking longingly at me as I shoo'ed the kids out the door.

thank you for your review. Please review Ben Affleck's new movie (The Town?) because I don't know if I should go see it -- Jon Hamm or no Jon Hamm.

Liz said...

Wow, that's some intense suckiness.

But you explain the suckiness with a lot of good WRITING and humor!

You know you how are with Bono? Well, that's me with George. Let your sister know that she's going to need to get through me first.

Michelle @ Flying Giggles said...

Thanks for saving my time. We do not get to watch very many movies and I would hate to waste it by watching this.

Lindsay said...

I've only heard bad things. Phooey.

alicia said...

You're hiliarious. And thanks for the movie review. I'm going to stay clear of this one. George hasn't been my fav in some time. I have a new crush. Don't know why 'cause he was born in 1986 which makes me thinking about him seem wrong and quite possibly immoral, but Shia LaBeouf. If only I could figure out how to say or spell his name. So please be kind to my new boy crush.

Holly Diane said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for saving my time so I don't have to go watch this movie. I wish someone would have done that for me for The Last Exorcism ..

Sandra said...

You're so funny....he can't talk, he's too busy emoting! Still laughing my ass off!
Thanks for the review, I will be staying far far away from that American!
Too bad though, I used to think Clooney could spend two hours sitting on a stool reading the dictionary and I'd be into him. Guess not.

tattytiara said...

You would have been - Machete was awesome!

Eva Gallant said...

You're the second blogger I've read that hated this movie. I guess I won't be going!

Eva Gallant said...

You're the second blogger I've read that hated this movie. I guess I won't be going!

Bossy Betty said...

Sweetheart!!!! Talk to Betty before plunking down that movie moola next time. I saw the previews to that movie and just about vomited on the spot. My poor husband wanted to go and I just told him No NO NOOOO. Call it a psychic gift I have....

(I did, however, LOVE your review here, so is it really wrong of me to hope you see other bad movies just to read your rants about them?)

Funny in My Mind said...

I felt like I was there at the theater. That movie sounds like almost all of the movies my hubby drags me to see. and dialogue doesn't matter because they talk so fast I can never understand them anyway and the gunshots are always deafening.

Cathy Olliffe said...

I just saw George Clooney in the BEST movie - Up in the Air, and was looking forward to more Great George Clooney... and am now practically suicidal, wishing the gun pointed the wrong way and I had your husband's M&Ms because I'm so disappointed the movie is crud.
Sigh.
Well, thanks for saving me nineteen bucks.
Stoopid George Clooney and his stoopid sombre looks.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Ugh, this is horrible news. I was so wanting this to be a good movie as I was not too thrilled with Men Who Stare at Goats. What is wrong George? What is going on in that beautiful sexy mind of yours? Are you reverting back to Facts of Life? Please no.

Cupcake Murphy said...

This is LITERALLY one of the funniest things I've ever read. I have an idea: print this out and hand it to the people who are leaving the theater after seeing this movie and then they won't feel like they wasted all their time. holy moly thanks for making my stressful Friday look a little better this fine evening.

jayayceeblog said...

You have missed your calling ... you should definitely get hired as a movie reviewer. I'd heard this movie was crap, but you just sealed the deal. I won't even spend the $1.00 to rent it from Redbox when it's available. Thank you very very much for saving me that dollar!

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

I forgot to ask you if you've seen Inception? I thought that was a good one. I could watch it again. And also... what the dealio with the title The American? I mean duh, he was an american but it seems like there should have been more to it. I guess the key words would "be should have" been huh? Oh gosh, hope June doesn't see this as my use of quotations was probably wrong.

W.C.Camp said...

Honestly I'm not sure why you did not like this movie since it had such an UNUSUAL TWIST? - The handsome 'hero' dies and the Call Girl lives! W.C.C.

The Drama Mama said...

I love your hilarious review of the movie. GC and I (isn't that ironic, LOL) don't get out to the movies often, so I'll make sure we skip this one.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

That is the best movie review I have ever read. You totally trashed GC and yet I want to see it. So I can laugh, too, every time I see a scene you described. Everybody wins.

Nicki said...

Ok...long blog so I will comment in sections. My brain just can't hold all of this material!

Um, Clooney's hotness definitely is NOT in the emoting department. He is Ocean, Dr. Doug Ross, The Paterfamilias. He is Not an emoter! At least not to us! Fail!

A BUTTERFLY TATTOO?? Why not a heart and scroll tramp stamp while we are at it? My image of Clooney is blown!

Mysterious Woman misses the center of her target by a hair and it is the gun's fault? Oh wow! I know a ton of men who would be all over this one!

Normally I get annoyed when someone gives away the ending of the movies but today, I will thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because I am a Clooney fan and I want to keep it that way! For that reason alone, I will not watch this movie unless he looked really hot while drinking coffee. In that case, I will wait til it is on DVD and the house is empty and watch it with some body oil and the shades drawn!

Deborah said...

Yeah, the gun was rigged to shoot her.

What BUGGED me is I just didn't care about the guy. DIDN'T CARE! Shouldn't we be made to care just a bit?

And George (who I adore) is getting old-man skin. Ala Clint.

Love you George, mean it.

Ash said...

Another friend of mine went to see this yesterday, she figured - "It's George Clooney in Italy, really, how bad can it be?"

Her opinion was about the same as yours. So sad. And I'm with Deborah - for a man who kept looking better and better with age, I think he might have reached his peak. He's beginning to remind me of his Dad.

Not good.

P.S. I think I'm going to work "emote" into a conversation today - so fun to say - eeee-moat. Makes me sound French, no?

Cheryl said...

Did you live tweet this movie? Because you should have. Your commentary I'm sure was much more entertaining than this movie.

But I have to say? It serves you right. YOU get to see movies without animated, talking animals, unlike some people...

Katherinez said...

LOL! You shoulda stuck with the goat movie!

Joy said...

I haven't like GC since he left ER. He was damn sexy and believeable in that role... but I have yet to see anything with him in it that is remotely believeable.
To me, he just looks like he is trying way to hard to be sexy, and forgets that he is supposed to be acting.
I love a good story, but if the acting is bad, I just can't get into it.

purplume said...

Oh my, now I have to see this and see what I think of it.
Yes a big butterfly tattoo on George would be ... disappointing.

Nance said...

Saved me some money. I'll just make the popcorn and watch Mad Men tonight, instead.

I love anybody who saves me money.

Judie said...

Do you swear that there is no talking? Because I can't hear, but I can read lips. But if there is no talking, then I can't read lips, so I would have to guess what is going on. I don't like that idea! Thanks for the review. You saved me some money and a lot of frustration.
So where are we on the re-writes? I'm waiting!

An Imperfect Momma said...

Oh my word...I got bored just reading this. Dang girl, sorry you had to suffer through that. Btw, laughing my head off cause thats my husbands version of a love story. Except instead of Angelina Jolie its Jessica Alba. LOL. Men.

The Empress said...

Best damn movie reviews raght heeyah.

The Lady's Lounge said...

More awful than a chorus of Real Housewives singing, "We Are The World." Brilliant.

Dawn in Austin said...

O.M.G.
I posted this almost VERBATIM on Facebook after seeing that dreadful movie!! LOL

I could not believe it was that horrible.

Luckily we went to one of those theaters that has booze and pizza. Thank gawd for the booze! Is all I can say.

Tarheel Rambler said...

Sounds like another movie in the tradition of No Country For Old Men, which was like sitting through a root canal for me. I had a feeling that this movie was a yawner, and you're the third source to confirm that for me. Thank you!

Pat said...

Wow - this was so long I felt like I actually SAT through the movie! LOL! How could you remember all of it?

Natalie said...

No!! Say it ain't so!! George Clooney is to me as Bono is to you! The man can do no wrong! But I will heed your advice and stay away. Or maybe I'll bring my iPod and listen to that and just watch George for 2 hours?

deb said...

you are an incredible writer...
and this is why I don't watch movies.
I would have been seriously ticked at wasting my time.

say it isn't so George.

Nancy C said...

More awful than a chorus of Real Housewives singing, "We Are The World."

Au contraire. I would pay good money to see that. Good money indeed.

As for the rest of the movie? Give me bank robber George any day of the week.

Cheeseboy said...

I can't believe you sat through the entire thing. I'd be done at that gun scene. I can't believe that this movie even got released. What a total waste of everyone's time, both ours and Clooney's.

George's next project needs to be The Facts of Life: The Movie.

Kelley said...

Hmmm... I never have even heard of this movie! I'm so behind on movies. I guess I won't be putting this one on Netflix, though. Thanks for the info! You saved me time to and from the mailbox! On another note, thanks for the encouragement to keep blogging! And, I agree...I'd want a clone-bot for the oil change place, too. :)

Grace said...

Hahaha! I wondered why it got such bad ratings. The two worst movies I've seen in my life are Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron and Wall-E. Not because they're kids' movies, either. Because they have no freakin' dialogue. I would have hated this movie.

I'm loving your line about not wanting the movie to go slower even when it's a sex scene with George Clooney. That's the tip-off that it's a really bad movie, right?!

cardiogirl said...

Man, I wish I could say I met my husband "in the woods, down by the river."

And, after reading this, I can tell you I am really pissed at George Clooney.

granny1947 said...

Thank you for the warning....a movie to avoid...oh wait...I don't go to the movies...I am safe!!!

~J said...

Bwhahaa..your play by play is awesome. Gonna avoid this..but have to admit...an ounce of me DOES want to watch Machete..wtf is wrong w/ me?

free turnkey poker sites said...

I think Clooney did a great job in the movie, but the plot just moved way way too slow to keep me interested. I kept thinking something dramatic was going to take place, but it just never did.

Related Posts with Thumbnails






Tweet Me Subscribe Follow on Facebook 

Subscribe via email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



Subscribe Now

Grab My Button!

Laundry  Hurts My Feelings


Following Me Into The Madness

♥BONO AND ME-COMPLIMENTS OF MARY AND FACE IN THE HOLE♥

♥BONO AND ME-COMPLIMENTS OF MARY AND FACE IN THE HOLE♥
I'm right here Bono, if you're looking for a blonde, 40 something chick to pull up on stage for that dance. I am ALWAYS available for that sort of thing.

A.B. Keuser—Author Extraordinaire

Red Dress Club

Archive





Blogs I Love





All content (C) 2010 Laundry Hurts My Feelings