Call Me The Little White Girl
Thursday, November 4, 2010
****

I know I said I wasn't going to be around here much, but Amyblam, who is like my blog soul sister— seriously, even our blogs are the same shade of pink— reminded me of this story yesterday and if I don't write it down, like everything else in my life, I'll forget. 

So, quick story. Yes, I MEAN IT THIS TIME. Duh. 

I don't sew. Not even a button. 

If something in our house loses a button, I mourn— either that or grab a safety pin. 

My girls and I are all genuine shawties, (I'm not sure if that's the correct plural spelling of shawty. Webster's, strangely, does not recognize shawty. And Urban Dictionary only had these related forms: shawtdawg, fine ass woman and baddest bitch, which clearly none of those are the plural form of shawty, so shawties is my best guess.)

We're all short, is what I'm saying. And because of that, we need a lot of hemming in our house. 

And the thought of hemming makes me want to cry and stab myself with the sewing needle in the eye.  So a good tailor is a must in our house.

Luckily, we have Ito. Ito is not her real name, but I thought I'd keep her identity protected. So, I went and looked up Asian names and it just so happens that Ito means thread. I know. I'm brilliant.

Anyway, Ito is magic with a sewing machine. Ito is also a spritely Asian woman who speaks very little English. 

But she understands the language of incompetent domestic engineer, so that's all that matters. 

A few years back, I'd visited Ito once or twice. Okay, maybe a little more than twice, but that's not the point. The point is, I was back in her shop with a beautiful peach dress that needed some alterations. Ito looked at my dress and scratched her head, muttering something in her native tongue which sounded suspiciously like Chinese cuss words. Not that I know any Chinese cuss words, I'm just well versed in profanity. And profanity just has that special universal zing to it.

Also, I think I heard the words, blonde dumbass.

She looked like she was getting a little peeved. Why, I do not know. Perhaps it was because I am a helpless ingrate when it comes to getting that little piece of thread into that dang blasted eye of the needle.

But since I have an insecure need to be liked by everyone and since I have learned along the way that sugar and spice and a smile get you a lot farther than contentiousness and a demanding attitude, I desperately racked my brain, searching for something, anything that would make Ito like me and stop cursing me out in Chinese. 

And that's when I saw the pictures of the little boy stapled to the wall. 

And he was kind of cute. But I acted like he was the most beautiful creation God had ever made. Better  than God's gift of Daniel Craig.


Or the perfectly coiffed Jon Bon Jovi.
And you are welcome for the eye candy. I thought I'd shake things up a bit and give you something besides Bono, Mark Ruffalo and Johnny Depp to drool over. 

Anywhoo, as soon as I started raving about the kid, Ito stopped cursing me in Chinese and her face lit up with a smile as she said, "My boy. He big man, now."

And then she started pulling out pictures of a dude who quite frankly looked to me like a gang member, with his sneer and his artfully crafted hair, but I swooned big time over this thug. 

And that was all it took. 

Ito kept beaming as she looked at my dress and said, "I'm not sure of cost. One moment."

And THEN. THEN. As if I wasn't even there, standing right in front of her, she yelled to some mystery person in the back, holding the dress aloft: "How much? For the little white girl."

I was all, "Huh?" 

Mainly, because I've never been referred to as a little white girl before. I mean I didn't grow up in Mississippi in the 1960's or anything. And also, because Ito was certainly being the pot calling the kettle black or white in this case, because Ito comes up to my clavicle. She makes me look like Heidi Klum. 

After confirming with the mystery person in the back, Ito said and I am not kidding you, "Five Dollar" with a big smile upon her face. 

Chalk one up for The Little White Girl. 

And it got even better. 

Ito has a strict cash only policy. She has signs with big block letters all over her shop, just in case anyone forgets. 

On this day, I forgot. 

She also insists on, "You pay and then I fix, okay?"

As I tore my purse apart looking for five dollars, (I know, sad), Ito placed one well manicured hand on mine and saaaaid, "You can pay with check."

Strike another one up for Little White Girl. 

From that moment on, Little White Girl was the only one allowed to write a check at Ito's. 

And it gets better. 

One of my dear friends needed a good tailor and so I sent her Ito's way. 

I forgot to tell her about the cash up-front policy. And so, she was faced with the same situation. 

As she realized her predicament, she turned and said to Ito, "Would it help if I told you I was friends with The Little White Girl?"

She got to pay with a check. 

The Little White Girl kicks some major ass. 

Today's Definite Download: My new absolute favorite. Man, I love this song. The first time I heard it, I ran home and signed on to my Apple tunes and downloaded it. Every time it comes on my alternative channel, I blast the song and roll down the windows. This is especially effective when picking my kids up from school.

Fistful of Mercy's, "Father's Son". 

I've included a video of them performing it on Jimmy Fallon. Check out the amazing and scrumptious Ben Harper on the slide guitar. The voices live are a little more ragged than on the polished studio song, but you'll get the idea when you see this just brilliant song performed live. 

Yo, enjoy. 





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37 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

So funny! I've been dubbed the "Loud Blonde Lady" by someone at work, but I think this moniker is even better!!! Glad I'm your buddy! Think of the perks!

Oh yes, and thank you for the eye candy this morning!

Heather said...

I am always trying to tell my husband that being nice works better. Maybe i will have him read this!!
Also if I send you a jacket i love so much I bought it two sizes too big, that my mother refused to alter for me, will you take to Ito??
Please Little White Girl?

duffylou said...

Thank you so much for the photos of the Hunks.

Your story follows the principle of the golden rule, you just have a better delivery! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I wish everyone had that attitude.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Hey Little White Girl, how in the hell did Daniel Craig get left off the lists over at BBP? Tell me that? That first shot of him is just pure perfection. I'm going to be thinking of those tight little boy shorts, swim trunks, whatever, all day now.

Cheryl said...

Thank you for Daniel Craig. He's delicious, isn't he?

Also, I think you could've done a better job with your download. Like maybe Dirty White Boy. Even tho I know you're a Gina, I just think it would've been more appropriate.

Now get back to work. ;)

Deidra said...

That is pure awesome! Who said a little flattery won't get you what you want? ;)

Kelly said...

"Little White Girl" DYING.

I flirt with everyone, male, female, young and old. It's amazing how much more effective it is than glowering, scowling and being a pissy bitch. And it's amazing how many people just don't get that.

Eva Gallant said...

Well, little white girl, I thank you for the eye candy....it just so happens I have eyecandy on my blog today, too!

Ash said...

OMG on Daniel Craig. One of my all-time favorites. And I'm a fortunate woman in that my husband actually favors him, minus the ears.

I KNOW!

If you tell me that you have a thing for Vincent D'onofrio as well, am going to have to fly to Florida and kiss you on the mouth.

Ito? Yeah, she funny. The last time I visited a taylor, I was 8 months pregnant with my first. A last minute bridesmaid dress fitting. She giggled through her fingers as she eyed her handiwork and said...

"Now people just think you fat."

Hilarious.

Keep being true to Ito, Little White Girl. She's one in a million.

Shell said...

Yay for the little white girl! :)

jayayceeblog said...

The Little White Girl shoots ... and scores! I can't believe you still pay with checks. I haven't used a check for anything in years. I'm pretty sure we still have some in the house somewhere but I have no idea where they are. Great story!!!

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, but that's a great part of the story, I forgot. I NEVER have checks in my purse. But on that day, I had to buy some fundraising crap for my daughter at her school and so I threw a book of checks in my purse.

Aging Mommy said...

Thank you little white girl for the pictures - I am not so much a Daniel Craig fanatic but Jon Bon Jovi, well he is something else :-)

amyblam.com said...

I love you too little white girl!
I went yesterday to take the dress I need for Saturday-there was much foreign cussing and eye daggering.
BUT-she turned down the two people before me and agreed to do my dress. I felt like a cash or check girl.
I actually got called a little white girl at Walgreens the other day. I was buying Palmer's Cocoa Butter for Dry and Ashy skin (I get crazy dry skin) and this little black lady said "why's a little white girl like you need lotion for ashy skin?" So I showed her and she said "Oh honey, you sure do need that."

Carol said...

I love me some Jimmy Fallon and the Roots. Loved the song...Little white girl. too funny! I feel the same way at the nail salon.

Carol-the gardener

Tiffaney said...

And you wonder why strange men in wineries make you sit on their laps? Charm, honey. You oooze it!

Judie said...

I'm from the south, and I have been called a lot of things, but NEVER 'little white girl." Of course, you are very white, and you aren't tall, so I can see that--I can!

What I want to see is a picture of her SON!!

And I want to see a snapshot of you in that dress she altered for you!

The Empress said...

You can sign on to Apple tunes and download a song BUT you can't go on twitter???

Pfffffffffft....little white girl? We are done.

Love ya, LWG. xo

purplume said...

I'm glad you wrote this down before you forgot it. good one.
Gee, I wonder what things I've been called. People say I'm sweet. Someone said that to my husband once and he agreed, "sometimes," He's too honest ya know.

Ca88andra said...

Love the story - what a laugh! And love the way you write.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Fantastic! You little white girl. OH I am laughing over this.

I am tight with the dry cleaner like you. I am the "Q Lady" because he can't pronounce my last name and apparently the only person in our city with "Q" beginning my last name!

I also love Amy Blam. I found her through my writing contest. She is hilarious!!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Good work little white girl! Sugar and spice can be more effective than 4 inch heels!

Lula Lola said...

Thanks for the download today! I haven't heard them yet and I love Ben Harper. Great song! Got my morning off to a good start!

I love that you're the "little white girl." Funny story! I'm a shawty too and I have a Judy. Ito sounds cheaper though and I could certainly work a little "suck up" discount! lol
I've been in computerless land lately, I've read your blog on my phone, but could only get the first page for some reason, and couldn't comment. My phone stinks.
Hope you're doing well!

Grace said...

From one little white girl to another: I've met Jon Bon Jovi. He's not much taller than we are.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

I never go by command of English, but just where they place all the pins!

Dawn in Austin said...

That is a funny story! From now on, when my husband asks what I'm in here laughing about, I'll reply with "Oh, that Little White Girl is just so funny!"

Love it.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Hey Little White Girl, keep smilin'. It's working for you. Ito sounds like kind of a bitch, though. Aren't there any nice tailors? Seriously. Have you ever met a tailor that was all smiles and rosy cheeks? Me either.

Cheeseboy said...

Nothing for the guys today? Not even a mercy photo of Courtney Cox?

It's all good, perhaps if I show my wife this post, she will be more likely to want a little somethin a little later.

Pat said...

And the Little White Girl lived happily ever after!

Nancy C said...

Visiting this corner of the world is like losing fifteen pounds while drinking a perfectly chilled glass of vino.

That means good.

I need to find an Ito. I paid $32 dollars to get jeans I bought for $40 dollars hemmed. They still look like...jeans. For that much money, I should get a apple booty out of the deal.

The Lady's Lounge said...

First to both Bon Jovi and Johnny Depp
YES
Second, Oh how I long to be called the LITTLE white girl.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

I think I can see why you love that song. But, there is NO WAY your friend said, "would it help if I told you I was friends with the Little White Girl"! RU kidding me???? Because that is way too awesome for words, so I will not leave any here regarding that situation. Except: wow.

beachbaby said...

Hi there,I found your blog through MBC an I am now following.Would love a follow back at
http://beachbabys.blogspot.com/

Shabbygalsnest said...

Hi Joann, AKA little white girl. I just stumbled upon your blog and love it! I really enjoyed your post about how to train your husband. I'am starting that whole process over as I recently got married. I have a long road ahead of me on training mine. Sometimes I wonder do I have it left in me to start this training all over it takes a long time to train your man.But a good man is worth it. Traci

Kate said...

Mmmmmm...Daniel Craig. Mmmmm.

Thanks for the sweet comments on my blog post. :) I was looking at your profile, and between our taste in books and schizophrenic taste in music, we have a lot in common. But I could never live in your house of girls, because I'm beyond hopeless with hair.

Jennifer M. said...

HAHA! O Lady...you had me cracking up from the part where you said sewing makes you want to take the needle and stab yourself in the eye. I was laughing so hard. LOL. I really can not wait for your book. :D Great Post as always. I hope your eye is getting better too.

Jennifer M. said...

Oh yea...and two thumbs up to the eye candy. YUM! I approve of all of the above.

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