I'm An Anarchist As Long As That Means I Don't Have To Sweat Or Get Dirty
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
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So, here's the thing. 

I don't do memes. 

And I'm very honored when someone gives me a blog award, very honored, but I don't post them on my blog nor do I pass them on. 

What can I say? I'm sort of an anarchist when it comes to participation of any kind. 

Take for instance, my family. I have a huge family, huge. I always think of the Jim Gaffigan bit when I talk about my family. 

Jim says, "I'm actually one of six kids, Catholic. You ever notice people from big Catholic families, they always throw in the 'Catholic' after the number? 6 Kids, Catholic. Like if you didn't hear the Catholic part, you'd think 'SIX KIDS? His mother was a whore! Ohhhh, she's Catholic.'"

I love that bit so much. Especially since we're seven kids, Catholic and along with that comes this mish mosh of cousins and aunts and uncles and second cousins and cousins fourteen times removed. It's crazy, is what it is. But anyway, this overpopulated family of mine likes to play cards. They're big time card players. And everyone plays, even the toddlers. 

Everyone, except for me. 

I'll read a book or pet a dog or lick all the crumbs out of my mom's cookie jar, but I won't play cards, no matter how many times the card players call to me, trying to convince me how much fun cards are. 

I don't play because I'm a lone wolf and also because I'm not very good at cards and everyone has to slow down the game and talk to me like I've got some low wattage going on, which I kind of do, and even the toddlers are all, "Come ON! Ante up, Auntie! I've gotta get my diaper changed here, soon." 

But mostly it's because I'm an anarchist of participation.

I don't play cards and I don't do memes. 

But today and today only, I'm doing a meme. 

Because I woke up this morning to this sweet little message on Twitter from The Empress. 

And it read, "Tagged you for a meme, Love." 

And it went on to say some super sweet things because that's what the Empress is—sweet. 

Dammit. 

And because this lovely woman is so sweet. And because this woman has stood by my side and sung my praises when I did nothing to deserve her high praise. And because this woman has pushed me to get my words out there, in a moment in my life when a push is exactly what I needed. And because this woman has held my hand and calmed me down in one of my most angst filled writing moments. And because the Empress is truly one of the finest people out there. 

For today and for the Empress, I'm doing a freakin' meme. 

But . . . 

Because I yam who I yam, I have to add my own anarchist spin to things. 

I'm not going to follow the rules. 

Here's the rules:

1. Display Graphic. 

Here's the thing, I am very, very lazy busy. I do not have time to copy and paste graphics. I have moronic dogs who try to bring in decapitated birds to my house all day. I have a husband who has the audacity to ask for clean black socks when he can obviously see I'm blogging. I have kids who are just so selfish, they expect me to feed them. So, I do not have time to display a graphic. Here, I'll make one for you. 

☞HERE'S YOUR DAMN GRAPHIC, OKAY? ☜

How's that?

2. List five things about yourself, four have to be out and out lies. 

Okay, so I'm going to shake, shake, shake things up a bit. I'm listing TEN things about myself and only ONE of them is a lie. Because I'm not very good at making shit up. This goes along with my laziness busyness. I have black socks to find in the cave that is my laundry room. 

3. Pass Meme on to five others. Done. 

4. Rules have to be followed or you'll get blocked on Twitter and other bad things. 

Okay, I'm calling your bluff on this one. Because, there was a freakin petition to get me on Twitter. Nuff said on that one.

And what else can these meme police do to me. Take my kids away? Come on over and get them, I'll give you my address.

Waterboard me? I could use a break from finding black socks and from what I understand the torture is done in a dark, quiet place and I love water and water on my skin is like total hydration. So that sounds like a spa day to me. Let me give you my address.

Egg my house? I'll give you my address for that, too. I live in Florida. I'll bring the bread, that baby will fry within seconds of landing on my house. I like me a good egg sandwich. 

So, what I'm saying is; Bring It. I ain't afraid of no stinkin' memes. 

So now that we've established the ground rules I am NOT following, here are my NINE truths and ONE lie. 

1. I've had something on my body tucked. 

2. I have a 4,000 bottle wine cellar with about 3,000 bottles in it.

3. I have a reputation for knowing someone wherever I go. I was once in a strip club and a guy said, "Hey, I know you!" 

4. I have stood outside Bono's residence in Ireland and in New York City in the hopes of running into him. 

5. I have been arrested on a misdemeanor. 

6. I live on a lake that is stocked full of alligators. When the alligators climb onto the bank, we call the gator trapper. I cannot, however, call the gator trapper anymore since he was killed. Not by a gator, mind you, but by a flying helicopter that fell on top of him. 

7. I brush my teeth on the average of 6-8 times a day.

8. I have been naked on a beach. 

9. I was once trapped in front of a burning building by two firetrucks that pinned me in. I had a good time that day. 

10. I have flashed my lady bits at my kids' pediatrician. 

So, let me know, what's my one lie. 

And now I'm duck, duck, duck, GOOSING these five bloggers. 

1. My funny, funny friend Sandra at Absolutely Narcissism. Because she needs to add more commenters to the already hundred odd comments she gets on every single one of her posts. I promise you, if you go click on her blog just once, you'll be hooked. Here's an example of the fabulousness that is Sandra: On her latest post, she's talking about being required to sit down every night with her seven-year-old son so that he can read out loud to her. She delivered this classic line which sums up every parent's feeling,"The problem is, the boy reads like shit." Sandra, give yourself a break from the reading-out-loud pain and suffering and do the stupid meme with me. You'll feel better. 

2. Here's a brand new blog find, folks. Every once and awhile I come across a new blog and I am instantly smitten. I was smitten last week by Amanda of Fond Of The Silliness. She had me at hello when I saw her blog profile. It reads: I'm going to be like everyone else and have a blog now. You will find that my blog is the very best one. Amanda, I'm honored to include you in the stupid meme list. 

3. Of course, Cheeseboy at The Blog O' Cheese. Like me, Cheeseboy does not participate in anything but making an ass of himself on a regular basis. At each one hundred followers Cheese gets, he does something outrageous. I went to his blog for the first time on the day he'd reached 100 followers. He was vlogging from a dumpster on that day. Once again, I was smitten. He just reached the big five double zero and he picked up Chinese food in a Barney the Dinosaur suit.

His wife waited in the car.

I tweeted Cheese to let him know that he WOULD be doing this stupid meme with me. I was met with silence. Cheese, I will come over to Utah and push you off of one of those really high Utah mountains, if you ever wear skinny jeans and if you don't do this stupid meme for me. That's all I'm sayin'. 

4. *Sigh* If I were to ever fall in love with a girl, this is the girl I would fall in love with. Ashlei of Shades of Blue and Green. She is just wonderful in every single way. She's an amazing writer who is in the midst of writing her novel in her closet because she has two little boys and a husband and sometimes the closet is the very best place to be. Unless you're Eminem's Momma, then well, you're just plain screwed.

Ash's words are so full of this quiet, lyrical beauty. I love reading anything she writes. Ash has read my novel and has been so instrumental in helping me mold my story. Ash has already agreed to do the stupid meme which is a brave thing since school is closed for the day, her kids are sick and she's worried about her pool pipes getting all broken from the weather. I think it's closet time, Ash. 

5. And last, but certainly, certainly not least, in this stupid meme tag or in my heart, is my critique partner, A.B. Keuser. This writer girl has changed my life. Seriously. Not only did she go through my book, line by line, she is the one who took my novel and helped me shape it and mold it into what I'm working on right now. She was spot- on with her advice. She is also a genius at query letters, something I totally suck at and when I'm done with my revising, she's going to hear my knock on her internet door. None of this, by the way, is a surprise to her. We chat several times a day through the emails and the Twitter and she knows what a query weakling I am. A.B. is a prolific writer and is currently shopping out her amazing, haunting, supsenseful novel Duty & Death. She also knows this stupid meme is coming her way. So go check out her personal blog, The Unexamined Life. You can get to her writer's blog by way of the button up in the corner. It's the one with the scary but beautiful mask on it. 

And there you have it. Get busy stupid meme folks. And I mean the meme is stupid, not you folks.

Feel free to use my fancy graphic. You are welcome. 

And tell me which one is my big, fat lie, people. I want to see what you all think of me. 

Today's Definite Dowload: Yikes! You should see the pics my family in Chicago are sending me. It's crazy. So for today, for all of my friends battling these monster storms, stay safe, stay warm, bundle up, light your fire, mix yourself up some hot cocoa with marshmallows, try to ignore the kids and their pent up energy and know that we, here in The Tropics are thinking of you. 

Here's a little velvet blues beauty, Etta James singing "Stormy Weather."  






Joann




55 comments:

Kate said...

Oh, goodness. My lies wouldn't be nearly as interesting as your truths and one lie. Well played, indeed. I have no idea which one is the lie. I'll note, however, that if you'd been trapped in front of a burning building by two fireMEN who'd pinned you, now THAT would be a story! :)

Chicago got all of our snow. We got one lousy inch on top of 2-3" of sleet. I'm bitter, and my car is doing a great imitation of an ice palace. Sigh. I can't be lazy and let it run to melt off the ice if the doors are frozen shut. Could I come to Florida and sleep in your wine cellar?

Amy said...

I'd have to guess you've never been naked on a beach. Everything else seems classically you. This just doesnt.

And I'm totally using your graphic when I repost.

TesoriTrovati said...

I have the same avoidance of memes and awards. I would say that this is your lie: 1. I've had something on my body tucked.
The others all seem pretty plausible to me! Thanks for introducing me to more blogs I didn't follow up until now. Enjoy the day!
Erin

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

I'll play your silly little game. With your crazy life I will agree with Amy and say you have never been naked on the beach. Unless it was like midnight and you were passed out. Because with your pale skin you'd fry like that egg on the side of your house.

And I love Sandra. With 3 boys I can so relate to her stories. And I know what is coming to her in the future. Bwahahaha!

Michelle Saunderson said...

I am guessing the wine cellar is the ruse because cellars are rare in Florida.

randine said...

I thought that this would be a lot easier... you've had a lot of crazy stuff happen.

I'm gonna say number 5 is the lie. I just don't think you could get yourself arrested- you could shmooze your way out of that.

Cheeseboy said...

Alright, alright. I'll do it. I like your spin. I think I'll do the same. Do I have to call it a "meme" though? Sounds so girly?

Gaffigan kicks ass! But I think you knew I already knew I thought that. Mormons are the same as Catholics when it comes to kids. Maybe more so.

I hope your lie is the last one, but I bet your pediatrician doesn't.

Noelle said...

I'm going to say the lie is that you've had something tucked.

I'm pretty sure you have a wine cellar...knowing your affinity for wine and all.

If I had a second guess I would say you being naked on a beach...although knowing you, it could happen.

So really what I'm saying is I have no idea.

The Zadge said...

The wine. But if it's true, I want to party at your house!

Life in the mom lane said...

I have absolutely no idea which is the lie since I don't actually know you that well... so I will just guess.... the naked on the beach??? :)

Kelly said...

I'm going with naked on the beach for the lie, Alex.

You've mentioned your inability to obtain a savage tan due to your Celtic White skin so I just can't see you risking lobstermania by sunbathing nekkid on a beach.

Wait. You didn't say anything about sunbathing naked. Crap.

I'm changing my answer to Number 7.

Sandra said...

Oh Joann,how I love you so!!! Marry me,and we will run away and have lots of kids because I am Catholic too...ok, I know you're saving yourself for Bono. I get it...that and the not being a lesbian thing too. But otherwise, we would so rule the world, you and me!
Ok, I am not linking up to the meme because I too am busy (read: lazy).
But the bestest part of this post for me is that you stood outside of Bono's house. It's so perfectly you. And really, why did he not come running out into your arms? What is wrong with that man? One day Joann, one day he will be yours!
Thank you for the honours my darling! I feel wonderful right now!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm going to guess the wine cellar one.

Eva Gallant said...

I'm going with arrested...I agree with a previous commenter...you'd find a way to talk your way out of it!

The Empress said...

And this post is precisely why I picked you for the meme.

I knew you'd do it right.

And I say the BOLD AND BALD faced lie is the tucking.

It's all you.

Thanks for the fun, hun.

xo

The Furry Godmother said...

Ima gonna' go with number uno. The tucky one. I started to go with your lady bits, but there could be an innocent explanation for that. Really. It is you after all.

Mrsblogalot said...

I say naked on the beach also because I'm too busy being in awe that nine of these are true!!

Cecelia Winesap said...

I feel like a sell-out when I participate in anything related to a group also. But... I do tend to sell-out every now and then. :)

Ash said...

I'm going to go all crazy and say brushing your teeth multiple times in a day - who has time for that smack when you're too busy tracking down socks, not feeding your kids and accepting love sacrifices from your adoring pups?

Is it bad that I totally snorted over the helicopter falling on that dude? Number up!

I'm honored to be suckered, I mean chosen, to do this meme. Truly honored. As soon as we hit above freezing I'll get on it. My closet has two outside walls making it colder than Hollywood's attitude towards Ricky Gervais at the moment, so forgive me for my delay on getting this one up.

P.S. I love you. Hey, maybe I can come hide in your wine cellar?

Sandy said...

I want your address...not so I can egg your house but so I can rob your wine cellar. I think you lied about one of the 10 being a lie...they are all truth!

Deborah said...

Naked on the beach is the lie?

I get to read this blog AND here Etta? Heavenly!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

it is SO OBVIOUS! Number one? A tuck? No. You. Didn't.

Everything else I believe with ease.

Who are these people, thinking the wine/naked/arrested/flashing ones are untrue? If I were to say four words that best describe you (to my understanding) I would choose, "Wine/naked/arrested/flashing"
Geesh.

Mom vs. the boys said...

I'm not sure I even want to guess at the lie! lol it would be hard to make stuff up though, I agree

Snuggle Wasteland said...

I'm going with number one as the lie. Because I'm a sheep and I follow the crowd. Baaaaa.

Rebecca Grace said...

I think #7 is the lie, because you are too busy stalking Bono to brush your teeth 6-8x/day. Also, I have a gem of a laundry tip for you: Black socks, they never get dirty, the longer you wear them, the blacker they get. Some day I'll probably wash them but something keeps telling me, don't do it yet, not yet, not yet, not yet... :-)

Funny in My Mind said...

number 1?
You look real and by that, I mean you look good, not real like wrinkled and saggy.

Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli said...

I am going to go with the gator man killing by a flying helicopter b/c how did it land on him if it was flying?

I don't do memes either and hardly ever link up. I just like to march to my own tune.

purplume said...

I think the wine. I think you must have been on a nude beach in Hawaii.

Thanks for your comments. I agree hiking in Hawaii would be a good way to grieve. I'm sorry you had to.
Also, Umm, it was you Joann, that I referred to re your truth post. Thanks for sharing. It comforted me too. I guess I was putting you on a pedestal because it’s easy to see your excellence.
Now to check out these blogs you cite. XD

Gigi said...

I love Absolutely Narcissism, and Ash and Cheese. And I love how you did the meme...i still need to do mine.

And Etta? I loved her before it was cool to love her!!!

Sparkling said...

i'm pretty sure you don't have 3000 bottles in a 4000 bottle wine cellar.

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

But...but...I want ALL of them to be true!

Yes, I do!

I'm emotionally invested now in every. single. one. of. them.

And I can't part with a single one.

So don't tell me.

MrsJenB said...

Hmmm. Don't know you too well but I'm seeing a lot of disbelief on the tucking, so I go with having something tucked.

LOVE Etta! OH! Meant to tell you - I had a dream the other night that I was going to Mexico but didn't have a passport, and your Mexico trip posts tied into it. It was really weird.

I also think a lot about Marky Mark but that's a different story.

Judie said...

Joann, I believe everything except the one about brushing your teeth 8 times a day. The inside of your mouth would be so raw from that minty toothpaste that it would be hard for your to talk, and you not talkin'? Well I can't imagine that!!

From Tracie said...

I'm going to guess #6 is the lie.

It is a good rule of life that if The Emperess asks/orders/requests you to do something.....you just do it. She is awesome like that.

Mama Insomnia said...

Ahh Jim Gaffigan. That man is funny. I'm Catholic too, though my mom was lazy. There are just 2 of us and I pretty sure my brother was an oops. (I mean who really say's "I want my children to be 9 or so years apart"??)
I'm just getting to know you, so I couldn't even venture to guess your lie. But if 9 of those are truths than it's easy to see why you are writing a book...you've got great material.
&PS: I always know someone wherever we go too. It drives my husband nuts.

Kimberly said...

You rule rebel you...
I think that Bono bit is a lie only because I would be slightly jealous if you actually knew where he lived...

Lady Jennie said...

I think you haven't had anything tucked. That's what I think, you rebel you.

Bossy Betty said...

You are my role model. I'm going with #5. I think it was a felony instead.

granny1947 said...

I will go with the wine...am sure there wouldn't be 3000 left!!!!

Lula Lola said...

#7 is the lie. Not because I question your hygiene, but because it's the most vanilla, and you are not vanilla!

KLZ said...

9!! 9 is the lie!!

You know what I like best about this meme? No one is following the f-ing rules. Awesome.

Kelly said...

WHICH ONE WAS THE LIE???????

Signed,
Kelly of the inquiring/nosy mind

Pearl said...

I'm guessing that the wine cellar is a lie. Who in Florida has a cellar?!
:-)

Pearl

Jen said...

I'm going off the beaten path to say that #3 is the lie. Not because I don't think you know people in every corner of the world but because you obviously don't know enough people, or at least the right people, or you would have met Bono by now.

Thank you for not picking me for the meme, I'd have had to unfriend you all over the blogosphere and since I love you I don't want to do that but that's the rules with me and memes.

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Baby Sister said...

"off of one of those really high Utah mountains"... That made me laugh. :) I'm going with #1...unless it was after having kids...then I'd go with...#4 just because I'd be insanely jealous if you went to Ireland.

Yuliya said...

it's such a tough call you've either never had anything tucked (you GORGEOUS creature you) or the number of wine bottles is misleading...like you have 2,152...

Ms Bibi said...

OK, this is so freakin' hard. I have no clue which one is a lie, but i am hoping for #6.

It was way easier over at Cheeseboy's to pick a lie....just saying,lol

I have to tell you, I am so loving your blog.

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Somehow you sound too casual about the gator thing! I would FREAK over
that. I can't wait to find out which one is the lie!

You really brighten the day, Joann!

Nicki said...

I don't do memes either and why is it that I think all of these are true? I have had something on my body tucked (too?). Totally worth it and yes, I would do it again...trying to figure out if I can get my hubbie agree to letting me get an ass-tuck. A gluteoplasty if you will. So....which one is the lie! Don't leave us hangin'!!

Dawn in Austin said...

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd have to say the naked on the beach. But for some reason, I believe it could have happened. It is you, after all.

It was fun getting to know a little more about you.

Anonymous said...

Don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

you were afraid of getting your head cut off, weren't you? The Empress says MEME you say how high. That's just the way blogland works.

tulpen said...

I'm one of six children. We are not Catholic.

So.

You just call my mother a whore or what?

;)

Deidra said...

Wow. You really brought the attitude in this post! I feel like I don't usually see this side of you! It's very entertaining to read.

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