A Tale of Debauchery And Harpists
Monday, February 21, 2011

I went to North Carolina and all I got was a sore ass. 

Well, that's not true. 

I got quite a bit more than a sore ass. That was just one of my souvenirs from North Carolina. I'm pretty sure I also got a collapsed lung. 

See, my sisters thought it would be "fun" to ride bikes. 

Here's my definition of fun. Fun is shoe shopping. Fun is a U2 concert. Fun is a marathon of the Real Housewives with a carton of Ho-Ho's by my side.

And don't get me wrong. I'm no slug. 

I like bike riding. 

In FLORIDA. Where the land is FLAT. 

Here's a rundown of my biking partners:

My sister who is 12 years younger than me. 12. That's the difference between fresh and happy body organs and body organs that are beginning to fail. 

My sister's friend who is also 12 years younger than me and a fitness freak. 

My Hubby who can sit on the couch for 10 years and then just one day, jump up and run 20 miles without even needing to catch his breath. I really hate that about him. 

My sister who runs marathons. For Fun. Because clearly, she's never downed a box of Ho-Ho's while watching twelve hours of Housewives. 

Have I mentioned that North Carolina has "hills?"

God did not create those hills. Satan had a hand in that. 

When I complained about how much I hated this f***king ride on Facebook, my old boyfriend Joe, the one who cycled 3,240 miles across the US in 41 days, suggested that perhaps I needed a tandem bike.

I said perhaps I needed a portable oxygen tank. Besides, none of those other bike riders would have wanted this albatross helping them pedal.

This is me after I almost died. I wasn't sure if I was going to live, so I snapped this picture for posterity's sake. 
This was more my idea of fun in North Carolina. 
A little of this. 

And then off to the spa, for a massage. 

Riding bikes, my ass. My sore ass. 

I also had a great time surprising my bro on his asshole's birthday. 

And even though there was fun to be had and satanic hills to be ridden, I was saving up my strength for the insanity to come. 

The part of the weekend where two universes would collide, possibly causing a great cosmic explosion in the blogosphere. 

You see, June Gardens of Bye Bye Pie is essentially the Lindsay Lohan of the Blog World. 

And I am Paris Hilton. 

And this weekend Lindsay/June and Paris/Joann came together, and the Umstead Hotel and the rest of Hill Hell, North Carolina will never be the same. 

Lindsay/June was kind enough to travel approximately one million and four miles to meet me at my hotel for lunch. 

I knew we were one and the same when, upon her entrance, we immediately went to the ladies room to compare Brazilian waxes and give each other tips on the best ways to flash the paparazzi when getting out of a car, sans panties. And as we exchanged tips and drug favorites, the really hyped up jazz music, the jazz musicians on crack kind of music, was playing overhead and Lindsay/June said, "I hate this kind of jazz, because it already feels like that inside my head all the time."

And I was all, "I thought I was the only one who had crack-is-whack jazz firing off in my brain!"

And so we had lunch as the jazz in our heads played and we went off in a thousand different tangents, hopping from discussions of Hulk to the state of Egypt to the best bail bondsmen to our favorite lip gloss, all at machine gun speed, trying to fit it all in. 

And then she said, "I got you a gift."

And I was all, "Girrrl, I did the same!"

I gave her a Get Out Of Jail Free card, along with some Nair and a little gift bag of coke. And not the diet kind. 

She gave me some Valtrex. 

And then we ate. 

June/Lindsay likes her Hot Tamales. 

And I always eat my burgers in just this very position. 
And I swear to you, we looked just like this as we dined.

We finished lunch and our plan was to go up and trash my hotel room, but then, then we saw . . . 

The harpist. 

And what woman doesn't have the hots for a harpist. 

And so we cuddled up close to this music god and after he played us a jammin' tune, we suggested he might want to join us for a little Linsday and Paris joy riding. 
As you can tell, from his reaction he was IN. 

And I cannot show you those pictures for legal reasons, but we kind of looked like this except June/Lindsay was driving and imagine the harpist as Britney Spears and you would have us.

And I have to say that June is quite an incredible multi-tasker. You should see her drive a car, elude the po-po and have a three-way with a harpist, all at the same time. I've got huge admiration for her mad skills. 

After our little thrill ride, the harpist had to get back to work, so Lindsay/June and I had our own fun with the harp.
Here she is rockin' out to my sweet tune. 

Clearly, you can see the resemblance.

Here we are at the big, fancy sculpture, about to make out, showing off our ta-ta's.  

Right after this, June/Lindsay climbed up on the sculpture for a dance off with a kid who looked suspiciously like the Bieber, even though the kid shook his head full of blow dried locks and claimed he wasn't. And then, he just pitifully asked for his mommy as I lifted him up onto the sculpture for his dance off. 

June won. Bieber didn't stand a chance. And he knew it. That's why he just stood there crying. 

June/Lindsay also serenaded me with a little "How Deep Is Your Love" while on her knees. 
She is very talented, that one. Sorry about the Cujo eyes, June. I'm a total idioso when it comes to editing skills. For the record, June does not have glow in the dark eyes. 

Right after this,  I crawled up on the piano and suddenly security was there on the scene, just kind of watching us. 

And since we are pretty savvy about knowing when we're about to be arrested, we toned things down a notch, but of course that's when the drugs started to kick in. Notice the security guard in the background, hovering.

Thankfully, we didn't pop too many pills since we were so busy with the harpist. We were able to come down rather quickly and snap some normal pictures or at least one, where June/Lindsay posed like a supermodel and I did my best Farmer Brown square dancing with double chins, pose.

And even though we had a kick-ass time, sadly, we never got around to trashing the hotel room. 

Maybe next time. 

Thanks June, for a fabulous lunch and three-way and electrifying car chase. I sure hope we can do it again, soon. 

Today's Definite Download: The Bee Gee's, "How Deep Is Your Love" because Barry Gibb is June's Bono and we're thinking our next escapade is going to be a road trip down to South Florida to stalk Barry. He'll take Britney's seat in the car, whether he wants to or not. 

And for all of you young uns who kill us, over at June's place, with your despicable comments of, "I have no idea who Barry Gibb is since I wasn't born yet", come a little closer so I can smack you. And then go right here, to see what we're talking about. He's the big, hairy one. And don't laugh, all music videos were this cheesy back in the day. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go soak in a hot tub. Between Satan's hills and June/Lindsay's wild ways, my body is a wonderland of pain.



duffylou said...

You both look fantabulous! It seems that a good time was had by all. Thanks for documenting the occasion to share with us. I would have been sad if there weren't fun pics.

LisaPie said...

The BEST most fabulous post anywhere anytime on the whole of the interweb thing of all time!

Love you girls!

Could you please plan a trip to Texas?

Shelley said...

I had just read June's post about your lunch and then I had to come over here and get your take on it. Then I said, "Darn it, Joann hasn't written about it yet!" Then while I was catching up on your previous posts, you were writing your post. It's like kismet, right? I would have wanted to be there, just to take pictures. And not in a creepy way.

The Zadge said...

June has a tattoo!!! Just like Lindsay!

June/Lindsay said...

I did not wear my ankle "bracelet," however.

Baby Sister said...

Lol. Looks like you had a blast. :)

twelvedaysold said...

June's boobs look nice in that last shot.

And I'm jealous she can play the piano without even touching the keys.

Actually, I'm just jealous I wasn't there.

Hulk (I thought for sure I'd get a prank call...) said...

Everyone on here is going, "They discussed green comic book heros??"

Rachel @ The Lazy Christian said...

OK, you look adorable in your little baseball cap, even if you felt like you were going to die. :) I assumed that my extra-cushiony tush would make bike riding more comfortable, but it actually makes it LESS comfortable. Lame.

Unknown said...

Did you seriously get a collapsed lung?? If you did my hubby can empathize he has been there done that, except I threw in having a baby in the midst of his illness. yeah leave it to me to not be outdone.
Looks like ya'll had a blast..

JoAnna said...

You know it's not any fun until security arrives. Way to go!!

What kind of harpist lets you touch is harp?????

Rae said...

You wore me out just reading about all that fun! I've never met a harpist- how lucky can you get? Another fun post, as always!

Tiffaney said...

Ok but I want to be Kim Kardashian the next time you two get together. Just like Kim, I can offer absolutely zero value to the conversation other than just standing there looking pretty.

Unknown said...

barry who?

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

You two should go traveling the country visiting all of us weirdos. Drive a bus and just pick us up along the way.

You both look great and looks like you had loads of laughs. Did you figure out a good match for Hulk? He seems so disappointed he didn't get that crank call.

Desperate Housemommy said...

Satanic Hills!

Harpist Three-Ways!

Cujo Eyes and Farmer Brown Caught on Film!

And I thought MY weekend rocked. Color me jealous.

The Furry Godmother said...

I hate you both.

Green eyes? What green eyes? :P

Hate. Both.

Shell said...

Oh, you have such fun adventures.

My part of NC is flat. Just sayin'.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

The thing that astounds me is: you both look so NORMAL. Like me, actually, only thinner with spikier and Bieberry hair.
Pffft to the young 'uns... if they can't appreciate Barry Gibb, I say screw 'em.
And Joann, I'm with ya on the sore ass thing. I think we should invent a bicycle seat for old asses... something that resembles a pillow. We'd be rich!

Unknown said...

Sounds like you guys had lots of fun! Great to meet a fellow blogger, I'm sure!

Laurie said...

I'm thinking we're not the only ones hearing and talking about the get together of two wild & crazy gals. The Umstead Hotel is probably still buzzing with gossip of you two! Which is the way it should be.

Thanks for sharing the fun with us.

Cheryl said...

What a fabulous time you had! I hope someone was available to massage your ass. You deserved it.

Deborah said...

You guys are hilarious!

Was there wine involved? Was that a NC question? (meaning dumb-ass) KIDDING!

Amanda said...

Hot Tamales are my favorite. I don't appreciate Lilo touching them! I like the way you eat cheeseburgers, I'll have to try that at BBQ's this summer. Seems like a crowd pleaser.

And that harpist? He's waaaaay in love with you guys. I hope your husband stayed close. ; )

Amanda said...

Hot Tamales are my favorite. I don't appreciate Lilo touching them! I like the way you eat cheeseburgers, I'll have to try that at BBQ's this summer. Seems like a crowd pleaser.

And that harpist? He's waaaaay in love with you guys. I hope your husband stayed close. ; )

Kate Geisen said...


I'm sorry that a bike seat and hills were inflicted upon you. I'd have traded you places, but I'm all midwestern and coy and not up for three ways with harpists. Rats.

Barry Gibb...OK, I had this Andy Gibb poster puzzle that was handed down from my cousins, and I bet I put that that man back together, complete with his open-to-the waist shirt, a dozen times without ever knowing who the heck he was.

Anonymous said...

I am going to take that young 'un status you are giving out but I'm skipping the slap.
Me and the Bee Gee's go way back.

Unknown said...

Was this your first blogger meetup? how fun. You did up the details like only you can, Joann. I spent most of 2007 and 2008 glued to PerezHilton.com watching the three trainwrecks. :)

Anonymous said...

My ass is killing me because I spent Saturday morning sitting on one of those attached to the table cafeteria stools in a local elementary because I agreed to judge some Destination Imagination thing and before I knew it was on a Saturday morning.
I almost killed a man in a multicolor member's only jacket who kept asking stellar questions like what's creativity?
I might have preferred bike riding and I certainly would have preferred Sheening a hotel room.

Pat said...

Except for the bike riding part, the rest of your weekend sounds fabulous! Hope your behind feels better soon!

Lula Lola said...

Ahhh, the brothers Gibb. Good stuff! That Barry was not hard on the eyes! And little brother Andy was awfully cute too!
Did y'all steal the harp? It looks like it's going with you in one of those pics! Good times!

Alexandra said...

Oh, I can't even imagine the fun. I met my first real life blogger last week, and loved it.

You do know people first...so very cool.

Sue B said...

Read Bye Bye Pie yesterday (and yes damn it you & June... and Blog O Cheese & The Bearded Iris & Batcrap Crazy are my 'drug of choice'...) and Bazinga!!! I knew who she was going to see.... I want to Par-tay with you all!!!

Every day I take a few 'hits' from my favs and my day is soooooo much better...

Glad you had such a good time... sorry about your ass...

Sue... Who can't go bike riding in NY until the gazillion tons of snow melt...

Bossy Betty said...

I am with you on the tub over the bike part! So fun to hear about your weekend and LOVE the pictures!

julie gardner said...

Good thing you had that Brazilian wax to compare with June/Lindsay's or a lot more than your ass would've been sore after that bike ride over the Hills of Satan...

And I'm not sure Bieber was crying about you lifting him onto the ice sculpture.

He was probaby simply distraught that Paris and Lindsay would rather be with Bono and Barry (or a harpist) than The Bieber.

I'm 42 and I know ALL ABOUT Barry Gibb. His hair can kick Justin Bieber's hair's ass.

Hair's ass? That can't be right.

In any case, you make me laugh. Hard.

Anonymous said...

I will be looking forward to seeing you guys in US Weekly!

How cool that you got to meet her?!

Honestly Joann, you are so much fun.

And yes, I do know Barry Gibb. I had the Bee Gee's Album when I was little!

As for biking? I love to bike, but I hate biking every Spring because I have noodle legs afterwards. They wobble and I feel like I am going to tip over. And that is after a ride around the block :-( So out of shape I am!

Rebecca Grace said...

OH you crack me up! I LIVE in North Carolina, Land of Satanic Hills and Crazy Healthy Exercise Folk, and I never have as much fun as you did having lunch at your hotel! And where do you get these hysterical pictures? If you're Paris Hilton and June is Lindsey Lohan, I wonder who I am? I hope I'm not the Sandra Day O'Conner or Hillary Clinton of the blogosphere. Or even worse, the Sarah Palin! :-0

Cyn said...

Squeeeee! I'm a BBpie reader and am glad to have found your blog! Fellow Floridian and Bono lover here! Loved reading about the big lunch!

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