Thanks Paris Hilton For Helping A Girl Out In Mexico
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
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Oh my freak. What a bloody, bad day. So sorry about this tardiness. I've been having some significant technological problems here. And what that means is our Big Mac, where all of our photos are stored, in professional tech terms, is totally jacked up.

After I came back from the dentist I went about trying to figure out the problem. After much crying, swearing and messing things up, through a series of hits and misses, I was able to retrieve the photos I needed from the hard drive. But this was after a few screw ups, one of them being my hubs screen saver is now a blown up picture of my sisters and me. Just our faces, huge, on his screen. And I have no idea how to get rid of it. I hope he likes us.

And I sure hope he likes our pores. Cause, it's that big.

Today, I continue with my Mexican tales which are STILL hanging over my head. Could I drag a story out any longer? Apparently not.

Oh, but before we get around to that, I've got a necklace to give away. Yay!

I went to the random generator place and let them spit out a number for me.

That number was 55.

And 55 happens to be Francesca of France Rants. Yay for you, Francesca!

So head on over and see Erin at Tesori Trovati.  There is a link on her blog that will take you to her Etsy shop where you can see some of the Simple Truth pendants she's designed. Erin will design a custom pendant necklace for you. Come on back here when you two have collaborated and show us what kind of gorgeous treasure Erin created for you. Congratulations!

And without further ado, on with my Mexican tales.

I know you've all been sitting around thinking, that poor, poor girl was in Mexico for a WEEK, sleeping on non-Egyptian cotton sheets AND without a blow dryer! I know. You're still amazed that I actually survived.

I don't really know if I could have survived a week without styling tools. Luckily, I didn't have to find out.

If you don't know my tales of Mexico, I'll hit you up with the links. Because it's kind of imperative that you understand the trials and tribulations I endured while journeying to the land of sombreros and margaritas. 

Here's where I talk about being forced to go on vacation to Mexico: 
Things I Fear Most: Kidnappers And Diarrhea. 

And then here's where I confess what dumbasses my hubs and I are when we discovered AT THE AIRPORT ON THE WAY TO MEXICO, that our passports had expired: Hang On Banditos—Your Drug Mule's Coming.

This is where my nightmare almost came true when the timeshare guys tried to abduct me: I'm Too Bad Ass For Mexican Abductors.

And then finally, here is the tale of our nightmarish accommodations and my bitter defeat in a Mexican danceoff: Don't Cry For Me Mexico, The Truth Is I've Never Been A Very Good Dancer.

And so now that you're all caught up, on with the story.

Before I stepped into my Mexican nightmare, I had been comfortably ensconced in a beautiful suite at the Fairmont Mission Inn in Sonoma, California. 

The Mission Inn is my style of vacation. 

Historic hotel on beautiful grounds. Luxurious linens. Plumpy down pillows. Spa services. The best lemon pancakes I have ever had. Flat screen TV's instead of, you know, no TV or phones. 

And of course, blow dryers. Most importantly, blow dryers. 

Anyway, we were going wine tasting for the day and so I was getting ready in my beautiful room equipped with a blow dryer. The news channel we were watching was blabbing about Paris Hilton's latest drug bust. 

They went live to the press conference because Paris was the biggest news of the day. And here was this poor police spokesperson relaying with a straight face, mind you, the details of her bust. Evidently, the cops were questioning Paris about the car accident she'd just been involved in when she went into her purse for some lipgloss. While fishing around for her gloss, a little party favor of cocaine fell out. 

I was instantly enthralled. 

First of all, that the spokesperson could get through that wickedly, wonderful tale without busting a gut. 

And second, that Paris really is that idiotic. 

I said to my Hubs, "Really? Really? Who dots on lip gloss during an interrogation?"

My Hubby looked over at me with all seriousness and said, "You would."

And I was all, "Okay, maybe you're right, but at least cocaine wouldn't fall out of my purse. It would be more like one of my daughter's tampons that had escaped from its wrapper."

So I laughed at Paris and mused that she might be the single biggest waste of space on the planet.

Remember this, for later. 

Fast forward to me in my Mexican hovel. See up above:Don't Cry For Me Mexico, The Truth Is I've Never Been A Very Good Dancer. 

I was in a bad place, a very bad place. 

With no blow dryer. 

I know. You can stop screaming. I'm finally over it. 

After trying to sleep all night in sheets most likely bought secondhand from the local Mexican jail and a pillow most certainly stuffed with straw, I woke up to the sound of jackhammers. 

It was 6:00 AM. 

I remembered the construction site next door. I sat up and it was in that moment, that all the good sportiness I'd been showing in this non-airconditioned hell, left my body. Just flew away.  

I started to cry. I shoved my Hubs awake and said, "Get me out of here right now! I thought I could do this, but I am not made of steel. I am made from cashmere and Egyptian cotton and I cannot endure another second of this madness WITHOUT A BLOW DRYER!" 

He was already out of the bed, slipping into his jeans at the thought of his hysterical wife enduring a week without a blow dryer. He was all, "Let's go to the lobby. Maybe the computers won't crash this time, since no one's awake and huddled around up there trying to make contact with the outside world."

We made our way up to the lobby. I immediately signed on to Trip Advisor. The number one rated hotel in Cabo was the Hilton Hotel, on the other side of town. 

I think our hellhole was 418th out of 419 hotels, just in front of The Thatch Roof Inn. 

I thought, the Hilton? Really?

But not only was it the number one rated hotel in Cabo, it was the number one rated Hilton in the world. 

And just as I discovered this, the computers crashed. 

We were lucky. We got 50 seconds of internet time. 

I turned to my hubs and said, "Go tell the Check In Dude to call the Hilton for us this minute."

My Hubby, who for the record, is not a whipped man and never jumps when I tell him to jump, jumped up because he was just as eager to get out of the Normando Bates Motel. 

My Hubs told the Check-In Dude he wanted him to call the Hilton for us pronto. 

The dude was all, "Of course. I understand."


So here's my husband at the front desk, using their 1970's land line phone with a spiral cord, making no secret that we needed to get the hell out of Dodge. The check in folks were all nodding their heads, like, "We'd get out, too, if we could."

The Hilton said the most magical words I've ever heard: "Si, we can accommodate you. Come on over right now."

I ran as fast as my flip flops could carry me, back to my room and said to my sister, who was now awake, "Pack your bags. We're out of this dump."

And my sister, the "Hey Guys, let's just make the best of it. It's not that bad" cheerleader said, "Oh, thank God. I'm already packed."

I've never packed up so fast in all my life. 

In our sweatpants and baseball hats, we fled from that fiery, icky nightmare.

The drive took about 20 minutes and it took all of those 20 minutes to shake off the heebie jeebies. 

As we bumped over potholes and the resorts grew lovelier, I started to feel like this vacation just might be salvageable. 

And then we pulled up to the Hilton. 

And I started to cry. 

And so did my sister. 

Over this. 

And the beauty of this.

And here's some more:

And more:

(Us going to dinner. Loved this hallway.)

I stumbled out of the car and I was very tempted to kiss the ground.

But I was wearing low riding yoga pants and I didn't want my first greeting to my new wonderful Mexican hosts to be crackage. 

We made our way to check in and as we stood at the desk, a wonderful, wonderful bellman came up to us with a tray of icy, bottled waters. He asked us if we would like a margarita as he took our luggage from us.

It was 10:00 AM. 

My sister and I looked at each other and burst into tears, again. 

Our bellman wouldn't even let me carry my purse. 

It would be the way of things from that moment on. 

Carry my own plate to my table after loading it up at the gourmet breakfast buffet? Not allowed. 

Getting my own cocktail from the swim up bar at the pool? Jose would not hear of it.

Jose would also not hear of me carrying my own towel or reclining my own beach chair or pulling back the drapes on my cabana bed without his assistance. I'm kind of surprised he didn't carry me into the pool.

Thanks to my wonderful hubs, we had a sumptuous room.

With this kind of wonderful.

And this.

And this.

And best of all, guess what was in that bag? Right there, on the shelf.

Yes, making my world complete, there was a blow dryer.

My sister had a beautiful room, too and after we'd all settled in, we met down at the poolside restaurant and had some incredible sushi.

I was quite thrilled not to have to worry about any more dance offs. 

As we ate our sushi, my sister grabbed one of her hammered metal chopsticks. This girl, the one who was all ready to make the best of the fiery hovel, held the chopstick up and said, "If I had to stay in that place one more second, I would have rammed this chopstick up my nose and into my brain."

Yes, it was that bad. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon, doing this:

And letting Jose treat us like invalids.

And all I could think of, as I sat there sipping my watermelon Mojito, was thank God for Paris and all the Hiltons. May God bless their drugged out, superficial little souls.

But this didn't mean my Mexican adventures were over. I mean, have you met me? The chances are BIG that nothing in my life ever goes as planned. 

Stay tuned, amigos. 

Today's FRESH LAUNDRY is Blue Skies and Yellow Dogs. The writer of this wonderful blog is The Zadge. And not only does she have an uber cool name, she is an amazing, amazing photographer and a fabulous cook and one hilarious girl. She also has a Mexican tale. And a follow up to that tale, you'll want to read. And like me, Zadge has some yellow dogs she loves. Her beautiful Shone passed away recently and her heartfelt tribute to her boy is just utterly lovely. So go check out The Zadge. Tell her I said hello while you're there. 

Today's Definite Download: A few months ago, I mentioned Arcade Fire and how The Grammy's had finally gotten it right. Many of you commented and pretty much said, "I saw Arcade Fire on the Grammy's and all I have to say is, Really? I don't get it."

So today, for those of you who don't get it, I have a video for you to watch. This is Arcade Fire singing, one of my personal favorites, "Wake Up." It's a live version at Glastonbury, so it's not all studio clean and shiny. But it's a perfect example of their incredible energy and the passion behind their music. Enjoy a little of my kind of music. 


twelvedaysold said...

This post was a breath of fresh air. I've missed you a heck of a lot more than I thought I could miss a blogger! I'm so glad you switched hotels. We're planning on staying at a Hilton in Phoenix later this year and I am SO excited. This Best Western girl is finally getting some class. Or something.

The Zadge said...

OMG, you are the sweetest bloggy girlfriend I could have! Of course, I had the DTs reading most of your post thinking about VACATIONING WITHOUT A HAIRDRYER!!!

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

I am so glad you survived the Normando Bates motel. I might have peed a little on that one. The Hilton looks loverly. Even if the granddaughter is a wee wacko. Love The Zadge. I wish I had a The in from of my name. But I would need a name like hers to make it sound cool.

TesoriTrovati said...

I love this. You could be a reality show, really you could! That place looks divine and is my sort of vacation. Props to your hubby for setting you up in this paradise. And woot woot to Miss Francesca! I am so excited to find out what her 'simple truths' will say!
Enjoy the day!

Dazee Dreamer said...

Your mexican adventure just keeps getting better and better. I can't wait for the next chapter.

JoAnna said...

Wow, I felt such relief for you. I was a little sad that you paid for your time share and then had to pay for the hotel. But knowing you could eat sushi in that place and not die of food poisoning right then must have been an amazing feeling!! I'm sad to say that every vision I have of Mexico is of places like the first one you describe. Nothing like the Hilton you showed us!!

Unknown said...

I'm so glad you were able to get better accomodations! Hope the rest of your vacation was lovely...but I know we're going to hear about it! lol

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you were able to switch hotels. I would have done the same thing.

Funny in My Mind said...

I forget why you ended up at the other shithole place in the first place so now I need to go back and read it. Margaritas at 10 am? Yes please. I too would not do well with blow dryage.
We have friends that go to Mexico every year and want us to go with them this year. I was afraid but now I know to the Hilton we shall go.
My sister just saw Arcade Fire in Dallas and loved it!
I see Zadge on Junes blog so I shall check her out now.

Shabbygal said...

I actually squealed a little when i saw the blow dryer! Glad it all turned out great!Traci

Unknown said...

In the wonderful words of Liz Lemon, "I want to go to there"
Trip Advisor is the bomb.

Tracie Nall said...

I am now feeling like you are officially back in blog world. Yay!

So happy that you got to change to that lovely hotel (and weren't murdered in your sleep in the scary one).

And, yes, I'm glad that you got a hairdryer!

Cari said...

God bless those Hiltons! God Bless them everyone!

Baby Sister said...

Oh good, I am SO glad you moved hotels and got a blow dryer. That makes a trip like 5 million times better.

Nancy C said...

I cannot stay at a place like that Hilton anytime soon, so I plan on living vicariously through these pictures.

So gorgeous. Perfection.

Also? If I had a dollar for every time I dropped lost cocaine while looking for lip gloss...I'd be incarcerated.

Debbie said...

Gorgeous hotel! ok now I'm intrigued. I'm going to go back and start at the beginning of your Mexico story, lol

Unknown said...

Sigh. Now that's my kind of vaca. So glad you got to enjoy it in style.

Kimberly said...

Do you know how much I've missed you and your pores? Lots.
But now I have to hate on you a little because of your Mexican tales...only because I'm jealous. Last time we went to Mexico we got stuck in a hurricane. Sounds like fun right?

Lisa said...

I'm SO glad you're back! I missed you!

That Hilton is gorgeous. I was feeling sorry for you in the earlier posts...but now I'm just jealous.

Can't wait for the next installment....

FranceRants said...

Well you lucked out! And I'm glad you avoided kidnappers and drugsters there in Mexico, it's getting worse.

Of course, knowing you, you could always break out your placenta arsenal. (You got people wigged out by that you know....!)

Thanks for the necklace and outing my real name...I'm trying to blog incognito so people don't know my real identiy when I get famous.

MommaKiss said...

Congrats to the winner who was not me.


I could live in a pool like that. Live, til I was all pruney and sunburned.

Heather said...

I am still laughing that the check in people would have left too.
Jose sounds lovely. I wonder if he would like to vacation in my neck of the woods.

Shell said...

Oh, my dear! I need to vacation with you. In style like that! Love it!

Julie said...

Not only would cocaine not drop out of my purse, but I'd probably start accidentally glossing my lips WITH the tampon that had come out of its wrapper.

Is there ever a tampon that survives being in a purse with its wrapper intact?

I'd buy that brand.

And also? I'd stay at that hotel. Hell, I'd live there.

Diarrhea and kidnapping be damned.


Meg at the Members Lounge said...

There is no question you are my kinda vacation goddess! I could not stop laughing; OMG, you weave a tale girlfriend!

So glad you are giving my sista wife the Zadge the Fresh Laundry tribute! She is the best!

Sandra said...

~putting hand up~ I would totally dot on lipgloss in the middle of an interrogation!
And that room was sumptuous.
And I remember reading your story of your fear of being kidnapped in Mexico, and I still giggle at this...not you being kidnapped. Your fear. And that bathroom complete with blow dryer is nicer than any bathroom I've ever had the pleasure of peeing in.

Cheeseboy said...

This may be blasphemy, but I would trade my U2 concert for that trip any day of the week. I'd even dab on lipstick to be able to take that trip. WHILE being interrogated.

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

I want to be married to you just for this vacation, but your previous Mexico posts have the best titles ever.

W.C.Camp said...

Wow don't show these to my wife or I'll never hear the end of it. Looks like a gorgeous resort you finally happened upon. Beautiful PIX especially you in the gown in the low-lit hallway - AWESOME! W.C.C.

Judie said...

You were really living in the lap of luxury, weren't you! It kind of made up for the pass port fiasco.

That was really a nice bathroom in the photos, but watch your email because I am send you photos of our bathroom remodel that I designed all by myself!!

Liz said...

And now we're all crying our eyes out at the beauty and fabulous that was your very-blogworthy Mexican vaca!

Rebecca Grace said...

Just now I finally got a chance to catch up with your Mexican adventures. So glad your vacation had a happy ending, and now I know where to stay if I ever go to Mexico (not the first place!).

Alexandra said...

Oh, how could this not have happened from the beginning?

Well, the pain made the hilton all the more lovelier, right?

Cuz now you REALLY love it.


Looks incredible, just incredible.

Mom vs. the boys said...

oohhh sooo purdy! just look at all that blue sky and blue water and gorgeousness all around! cheers to that!

Dawn in D.C. said...

I always pack my hair dryer. It drives my husband nuts. He's all, "they have hairdryers in the rooms now". Yeah, until you get to the one that doesn't, thankyouverymuch.

I love your travel tales!

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