Hacker—Someone Who Coughs Up Loogies
Tuesday, January 24, 2012

I think Jesus is up there saying, "That's it, Missy. That whole Jay Z/Beyonce post went a little too far. I don't mind when you make fun of others, but when you drag me into your warped little stories, well then . . . this is going to hurt me more than it does you."

And all I have to say is: "Sorry Jesus. I mean, I'm really, really sorry. And I'll never try to rap/pray again. Word to your mother—Mother Mary. What? No, Jesus. I didn't say anything." 

Anyway, this is why I think I'm being schooled right now: 

A few weeks ago, a friend said to me, "Hey, I tried to read your blog, but I got this malware warning."

And because I'd never heard of anything like that before and because a few martinis had been in play, I said to him, "Yeah, righhht. That's your problem, not mine. Maybe you should lay off the porn sites. Hmmm?"

He looked sheepish, like all men do when porn sites are brought up and that was it. 

Until yesterday morning, when I woke up to a message from my lovely friend Judie, who said, "Every time I click on your blog I get a message that Norton blocked a web attack by malicious injected javascript." She then went on to say the source of the maliciously injected stuff was from a friend of mine's blog. 

Now, I don't know about you, but that whole sentence sounded like Mwa, Mwa, Mwa, Mwa, Mwa, Mwa, Mwa, to me. 

And my friend of the certain site would never do anything malicious to me or anyone else. 

I went to my own website and didn't get a virus message, which means nothing because I'm a Mac girl. And Mac is like the North Korean border. Nothing and I mean nothing is getting past those Mac Heads. 

I hadn't even had my coffee yet and I was all flustered and I yelled out, "CRAP" loud enough to scare the dogs.

And then I did what I always do whenever I can't figure crap out. 

I emailed my sister and asked her for help. And then I cried a little and yelled at my kids and ate the first junk food I could find, which happened to be Doritos. All at 7:00 am. 

My sister checked my blog and said, "Yeah, it's bad. It's talking about things like malicious and injections and you've got big problems."

My friend, whose blog supposedly had malicious injectable stuff, is having her people disable things, as we speak. 

And I'm hoping that fixes it. 

Because if not, the solution involves code and code is as big of a mystery to me as Geometry and Farsi. 

And, also?

I don't have any people. 

I mean, I have kids who empty the dishwasher, but I have to scream at them about 4,570 times before they stomp down to the kitchen and put everything away in the wrong places. 

That's about the extent of my people. 

And usually, this would be no big thing. I would say to all of you, "Well, it BLOCKED it, didn't it? So stop your crying, pansy-ass!"

I'm kidding! I really wouldn't say that. Because I love you too much, Internet. Or at least the part of you, Internet, that isn't a hacker, trying to inject your malicious things into my innocent blog. 

And why, I ask you, would someone get their jollies hacking and injecting me with all things malicious?

I have my theory and it involves frustrated men with bad haircuts and small organs. 

And I'm not talking about their Wurlitzer. 

Like I said, this usually would be no big deal. 

But . . . 

And here's the part where I think Jesus has put me in a time-out. 

Today was my big day. 

I could barely sleep last night. 

I have revised and edited and spell checked and formatted and spread-sheeted agents. 

It was time to go. 

It was to be my first day of querying. 

It was the day I was going to bring my novel out into the light and say, "See? This is what I've sacrificed the last few years of my life for. Anyone like to have a go at it?"

And if for some miraculous reason, one of those super busy and important agents took a liking to me, they would probably hit me up on Google. 

And googling me always brings up Laundry Hurts My Feelings. 

Because I have no other life and Google knows this. 

And so, let's say by some freak occurrence, an agent decided that my blog was worth a look. 

That super busy agent would pull up my blog and Taaaa Daaaaa! 

They'd get the impression that I am all dirty and infected by hackers with bad haircuts and small organs who maliciously injected me with their Java stuff. 

And that, Internet would be a very bad impression. 

So, until my friend's people figure this out or my people do, which I hardly doubt will happen because my people are too busy rolling their eyes at me and putting my spatulas in the spice drawers, I will be waiting with Dorito-laden breath to take that cliff-sized jump in my life. 

And in the meantime, can you do me a favor? If you're not scared away by the malicious pop-up, (don't be scared, darlins, I'm here) can you tell me if you got the warning when you came to my blog? And if so, what system are you on? And also? Do you know if there's some sort of blog penicillin I can get for this injected virus?  If you know the answer, I'll be so grateful. I'll even share my bag of Doritos with you. 

I'm ready, man. Ready to take my big, soaring leap. 

So hackers, go find someone else to infect with your little pricks. 

And Jesus, if you're listening? I really didn't mean to say prick just then. No more rap/praying. I promise. I've learned my lesson. And please Jesus, if I may ask? Can you send all these hackers to some sort of hell that involves a giant Build-A-Bear workshop that hosts a barrage of endless 5-year-old birthday parties with tons of screaming and a cracked out Andy Dick in a clown suit and music by Ke$ha with Nickelback as her band. And let's throw in Nancy Grace in a skimpy waitress costume serving fried bull organs on a silver platter. You know, just to taunt those little pricks. 

Sorrrrryyy! I just had to get it out there one more time. 

Hey, if someone slaps me on the cheek, I'll give em my other cheek, if that's the way we're "supposed to do things." But my Bible doesn't say anything about throwing a few sticks, while I turn my Retin-A cheek.  

You got that, Little Pricks? 

Today's Definite Download: One of my favorRITE bands: Mumford and Sons and their song, "The Cave." I'm sure you are well aware of this fabulous, fabulous song. If you haven't heard it on the radio, you've certainly heard strains of it wafting through the universe every time I was in my car, blasting it out. Yes, that was me. You're welcome. 

Here's a live rendition. It isn't as pretty as the radio version, but it's sexy and rough and full of life as these talented men, in their sweaty, GREAT haircuts show the world what a great song is. 

For my hackers, a few choice lyrics:

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke, (actually I will)
On the noose around your neck...

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And i need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke, (actually I will)
On the noose around your neck.


Galit Breen said...

It's wrong to laugh, right? Even at the lyrics?

{I'm sorry about all of the injections. I hope they deject {??} soon.}

Suburban Correspondent said...

No warning here!

Kristyn @ Carolina Fireflies said...

I didn't get a warning either. I have been able to read your blog on google reader and then I can click on the post which takes me to your blog. I use google chrome on my lenovo. I hope you get everything figured out!

Sarah Moore said...

I got the warning. I have Norton security.

I found your blog through June!!!

Your post about your mother in law was beautiful. So sorry for yall's loss. Yes I'm from the south (Louisiana).

Love your writing!!!

Sarah M.

Unknown said...

No warning here; I am on Google Chrome and use AVG for my antivirus!

Camilla said...

I've been hanging out here like Stalker McStalkery for a few days with no scary warnings. Which is lucky, because I don't know what those warnings mean so I tend to ignore them.

Stephanie said...

I got no warning from your blog. I use Microsoft 7. Hope you get it fixed soon!

Alexandra said...


And we have ultra soooper sensitive stuff b/c you could call my husband paranoid, and you'd be right.

I hope it's all better...and you do know how excited I am for YOU and how you set goals, and did it.

Joann, you did it.

Can you feel the smiles???

Suniverse said...

No warning from Firefox on a Mac.

I am so excited for you - truly. And not hardly jealous at all. Not really.

Maybe a little.

Not about the malware. More about the book querying. GOOD FOR YOU.


Not a Perfect Mom said...

Your site was good for me!
and I always envision the same thing...dorky little men with sad little boners giggling like little girls...

Mad Woman behind the Blog said...

Word to you mother...OMG, that had me dying.

Also, Mumford and Sons, SWOON...those boys can rock.

TesoriTrovati said...

No warnings when I came by today, Miss Joann. Your people are hilarious. How do you get them to empty the dishwasher at all? I mean I can't get my people to put anything IN it. (Except of course, my main man people. He is always cleaning up after me when I cook so that if I put a spoon down between stirs it is cleaned, dried and put back in its place if I so much as take my eye off it. Yes. He is mighty fine people). I hope you don't let this little snafu keep you from running in the direction of your dream, Miss Joann. Because I believe in you. And I know that you believe in you (you have the jewels to prove it ;-) you just have to open your arms and trust that it will work out.

"And I'm not talking about their Wurlitzer."

Enjoy the day, my friend!

Lisa said...

No warning here...but I'm a Mac girl too. I'm curious about the other blog though - it's not June's is it? And other than readers emailing you to let you know, how would you find out? Now I'm feeling paranoid about mine...

I hope you get everything resolved soon. Good luck with the queries...I've got my fingers crossed!

Gigi said...

I've seen the warning before but figured Norton stopped it so I was safe. But when I popped over today I didn't get the warning - so maybe it's fixed.

And yes, I'm sure there IS a special hell for hackers.

Livin' In Duckville said...

Shhhh!! I won't tell Jesus your bad deeds if you don't tell him mine!

I get to your blog through my blog feedy thingy... I'm subscribed to you & your bloggy thing is on this listy thing that says all the blogs I read 'n I click it. And when I go that way, nothing bad pops up.

From reading the above posts.... I have Windows Vista and I use Firefox..

My tech guru is King Turd... I push the same buttons all the time & don't go off the path.... I'd never find my way back & be lost on the Web forever!

Olive said...

No warning here. I am a Mac user. Came to your blog from The Zadge.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

I'm on my iPad and I got nothing. But I'm reading you through my feedler app. Not sure if that matters. I will check my pc in a few and see if it comes up on there.

You might want to add that Don't Cry Outloud video to those pesky hackers.

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

Okay, all is clear on the PC front. It was a little slow to load but other then that I got no warning. Oh, I'm on Chrome. Did you ask for other info? What a crappy memory.

karen said...

I'm a Mac-y person - no warnings. I always wonder why Karma has to slap us so hard JUST when we're about to do something amazing. Another thing I wonder is why it's so hard for people to load and empty the dishwasher correctly.
Best of luck de-bugging.

Debbie said...

No warnings here. Hope it gets all worked out. Good luck with your book.

Anonymous said...

No warning from my iPad. Love your blog. Can't wait to read your book.

Unknown said...

no warning on my mac!

but...every time I try to put a link of my blog on facebook it blocks me and says I'm spammy and unsafe. It's worrying me. It says I'm linked to some website welcome dot com...and that freaks me out. Maybe the same thing is happening to meeee! I didn't even say anything about beyonce. I just said that post was funny, but sheesh. I hope you're not contageous.
gosh, I wish I could spell.

hope you get this sorted out soon! Good luck!!!

Just A Normal Mom said...

Nope, nothing popped up for me! But then, I'm a mac girl, too.

Hulk (Don't test me...) said...

No warnings. But I am at work and it is 4:45 in the effing morning and who the eff would hack at THIS ridiculous hour?

If I don't get a free signed edition of the book I will bring Nancy Grace to Disney with me and make you ride the teacups with us and then jump out just as it starts so you have to ride it with just her.

Kimberly said...

No warning from my iPod.
This sucks friend.
North Korea.
How do you do it?
Anyways I hope that this get figures out.
Poop on injections.

indigo heart said...

no warning here. i'm on microsoft 7 with norton antivirus. good luck!

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

No warnings using Firefox on my Windows 7 laptop.

In the meantime, I'll be standing on the cliff with you in solidarity! You go girl!

Shelley said...

No warning here! And I'm even at work, so if there was something malicious, they'd block it. Cuz that's how the Catholics roll.

@sjoyr04 said...

Ive been getting the warnings and today ..... NOTHING, NADA, ZIPPO... SO maybe your people emptied the dishwasher and then some :)

Rebecca Grace said...

OH, you make me laugh and LAUGH!! Your "people" are too busy rolling their eyes and putting your spatulas in the spice drawer. Why is it that the things that so predictably piss us off when they happen in our own homes become so hysterically amusing when they happen in OTHER people's homes? My husband is one of Those People when it comes to unloading the dishwasher, too. Those People we clothe, feed, and nurture are so passive-aggressive, aren't they?

No, I didn't get any weird scary message when I visited your blog, but maybe it happened on one of those infrequent days when I'm getting work done instead of playing on the Internet. And by the way -- WARM FUZZY KARMA going out to you and your literary baby. You should have a Coming Out party for your novel. There should be alcohol, and I should be invited.

Barb- The Empty Nest Mom said...

Hate that feeling. Been there.

Anonymous said...

I have gotten the virus warning a lot lately, but not today. I'm on an oldpc on firefox.

Unknown said...

Hey babe - got no evil warnings. Just the same ole stuff I always come here for. :-)

Good luck on your boooooook!

Cap'n Salty said...

I tagged you in a post!

cj Schlottman said...

This post is hilarious! Thanks for the laughs. BTW, I am a Mac Girl, and I got no warnings when I clicked on your button. Good luck with that. I would be paralyzed with fear.


chickensconsigliere said...

Nope, no message. Have you tried spybot? Will mention that this is the second reply I've tried to make, though, and my computer doesn't seem to want to allow me to comment on your hilarity. Whatever, laptop. Whatever.

Ms. G said...

My Norton didn't make a peep. The agents should be safe to check it out and only catch a good laugh!

Mumford and Sons are amazing. 'After the Storm' is on my top five for life list.

Christine Macdonald said...

It's so nice to know I'm not the *only* one who Googles herself. :)

Hang in there with those cyber bullies! We LOVE your posts!


Judie said...

Well, someone must have one something right, because that warning is gone! Now let's move on to another subject--theft! I figure if I wait for permission, it just migh not come in time, so I stole something from your blog. It is a photo that I want to use on MY blog for a post called "K is for Kids" which will be out tomorrow. You know you love me! And you know you won't be mad! Right? It happens to be a photo of you that I ADORE! Please say I won't go to jail!!!!

Sweaty said...

Sorry about the whole malicious thingy... Ugh, that sort of thing would drive me nuts as well, so I don't really blame you for eating Doritos and yelling at your kids so early in the day ;)

Anyhoo, I'm using PC, and I got no message or warning whatsoever. So here's hoping the problem's solved!

Vicki/Jake said...

MWAHAHA, over from your cute pic at Judie's and no prickly injected message here, on my PC, on IE. Course, maybe my Webroot already killed anything? Nonetheless, you've got a new follower. You speak my kind of language:) Good luck killing hackers, make sure you get em all!

Vicki/Jake said...

OK, got something creep anyway. I can't follow you! ?? I'm already signed into my acct, they want me to do it through my google acct but then it takes me to a google page? I'll try later....

Dawn in D.C. said...

Yes, I got the warning several times, but my Kaspersky 2012 kicked its ass. I mean blocked it. Sorry Jesus.

I didn't get it today, though. So everything must be hunky dori-tos.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

I, too, have a Mac so I've never seen the warnings. I wonder what Apple would say about the North Korean analogy (For the record, I laughed out loud.)

I love that song. Congrats on the novel!

Annesphamily said...

Hi Fashion plate! Coming by from JUdie's place! Great writing here! Loved meeting you! Have a terrific day!

JoAnna said...

It's interesting because I got a message from someone telling me that she got a warning about something but it linked to a site I have in my blogroll which is not yours. I never get this warning when I go to the mentioned site, nor my own, nor yours. And no one else has told me they get it. So now I wonder if you and I have the same person on our blogs or if it's two different people. Hmmmm. It's not fair to toy with us, hackers!!!

Cari said...

Well I'm just in time it seems, yuck. That was an untimely pile of poop. Happy to report I got no nasty report of anything, just your lovely and hilarious words. Jesus forgives, rap on.

Baby Sister said...

That happened to me once too. But the blogger was on hiatus, so the only thing I could do was remove her link from my blog roll. But I'm sure by now this has all been taken care of. :)

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