At Least They Didn't Name Her Auto Trader
Thursday, January 19, 2012

Yes, Internet, I know I promised you an arresting story about my hair, but then Beyonce had her baby and well . . my hair had to be put under the dryer for the next post.

I, like everyone else addicted to hard-hitting news, followed every detail of Blue Ivy's birth. For any of you living under a rock or in a Unabomber shack in the woods, that would be Beyonce and Jay-Z's brand new daughter.

And let's just state the obvious right here, right now. Shall we?

Celebrities, as we all know, have a great passion for ridiculous names. Maybe it's their way of being smug. Like they're saying, "See, how rich and famous we are. We can name our kid Muffaletta and no one will dare poke fun at them on the playground. Because it is OUR playground. Our rich and famous playground and don't you regular- named people ever forget it."

The color blue is a popular one with the artsy set. There's the original pioneer in blue names, Cher's son, Elijah Blue. And do you think that boy is feeling neglected about now? I mean, his sister Chastity got to spend her childhood on her parents' TV show. What did Elijah Blue get? Most likely, a car seat in the back of the Allman Brothers' tour bus with a floor covered in hot boiled peanut shells and empty Jack Daniel's bottles. And now, with his sister turning into a man and dancing with the stars, no one cares about Elijah Blue. In fact, I don't think anyone ever cared about Elijah Blue, which is super sad. And by the way, Chaz needs to get on with his life and stop talking about buying penises to the press. It is quite annoying to google Bono these days, because I have to wade through like five pages of Chaz's penis buying just to find any tidbits about Bono. Chaz Bono, please shut up about your penis buying. No one cares. We care about Bono. 

John Travolta's daughter is Ella Bleu. At least they tried to make it all sophisticated sounding by Frenching it up. Alicia Silverstone named her son, Bear Blu, not only completely misspelling the word, but giving that poor baby a truly WTF name. It's just one scary step away from Little Boy Blue. One of the Spice Girls has a daughter named Bluebell and honestly? I find that name kind of cool. I need to remember that for my next dog. Edge of U2 has a daughter named Blue Angel, which conjures up images of an angel in the middle of a severe asthma attack. As for Blue Ivy, it sounds like a plant that'll give you a bad rash. Either that or another bad Megan Fox movie.  

If given a choice, I'd probably pick Muffaletta. 

But the minute I heard about Jay-Z's song for his baby girl, I rushed right over to the Internet to take a listen.

I wanted to love it. I love Jay. (Beyonce and I like to call him that.) And I'm in total admiration of Beyonce's mad skills which include kick ass choreography, catchy tunes and those impossible legs that do not jiggle a single bit when she's dancing. Seriously. Not one jiggle.

My sisters live in Chicago and they have major Chicago connections which is very upsetting to me since I am not in Chicago. They were at Oprah's final shows and they got to see Beyonce up close and personal. My sister said Beyonce has the smallest waist she has ever seen. And my sister has seen Gone With The Wind, so she knows about small waists.

My daughter and I were watching Beyonce videos the other day and I was like, "How does she look that amazing? I'd love to know what she does to stay so fit." 

And my lovely daughter said, "Mom, there's no way you could ever look like that."

I was about to spit on her until she added, "No one can look that good."

And I think she's got something there. 

Anyway, when I listened to Jay's "Glory" I was all ready to say, "Awwwww." 

But after taking a listen, what I said was, "Huh."  

Jay is responsible for some of the most brilliant, bad-ass lyrics in the hip-hop world, so I thought "Glory" would be of the same like. 

And . . . well . . . 

It's just not. 

Maybe he was tired. 

His wife may or may not have just had a baby, depending on which website you're reading. But either way, whether a surrogate was involved or whether it really was Beyonce doing the pushing, he probably didn't get a lot of sleep. 

Although, I don't have a lot of sympathy for him. The tricked out labor and delivery suite that happened to be conveniently built just in time for Beyonce's baby looked pretty sweet to me. 

I mean, I'm married to a man who has his own insurance agency. I have great insurance. But we never had anything like that. 

The most luxurious item we ever had in a birthing suite was the big screen TV in the labor room when my middle girl was born. 

Who the hell puts a big screen in a labor room?

This is why I have a problem with the OB world. Until very recently it has been ruled by men and men don't have 1/16th of a clue. I don't care how many babies they've delivered. Until they've thrown up in a bedpan because the contractions from pushing a squalling, seven pound baby out of their body, were so mother f***ing painful, I don't want to hear what they have to say, especially during the delivery of said squalling baby. 

I know man doctors put that big screen in there. Probably so they could catch a few minutes of whatever game, in between pushes. 

My labor room was back in the day when big screens were about one million dollars and no one owned one yet, so my hubs fell to his knees and began weeping as soon as he spotted it. When we discovered the remote was taped to the arm of the labor bed, he spent the rest of my labor mesmerized saying, "Change the channel. Change the channel. Changethechannel. Changethechannel. CHANGETHECHANNEL." 

Instead of, you know, helping me with my breathing and getting me ice chips and such. 

But back to Jay's song. You know what? I think we should take it line by line.

I know. You're thinking—great, the white girl who can't dance is going to break down some rap? Oh, this will be priceless. 

And you would be right. About the dancing. 

So here goes. 

The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you.

Okay, I gotta admit, that is so fabulously sweet. Perhaps he should have stopped there.

False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart

Now this? Makes me want to weep. And I'm pretty sure it made me ovulate on the spot, even though I am uterus-less. The eggs, however, are still shooting out of my fallopian tubes like steel balls out of a pinball machine. 

What? Too much TMI?

All the pain of the last time
I pray so hard it was the last time
Your Mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?

Totally awwwww-worthy. But don't worry, it gets better . . . or not, depending on what your definition of better is.

Everything that I pray for

Now hold up here, one sec. I think I need to look into getting Jay as my prayer coach, because obviously he knows some secret the rest of us don't. I prayed the other night that the toilet I could hear running in my daughter's bedroom above mine would not overflow because I was too tired to get out of bed and yell to someone to jiggle the handle. Do you think Jay actually prayed for a net worth of 500 million or to become one of the greatest rappers in the world? Did he pray for 13 Grammy Awards and his Bugatti? And did he ask the Lord to send him a wife who was not only one of the most beautiful women on the planet, but on Rolling Stone's list of Best Artists of All Time? 

I might just be praying for the wrong things. 

God's gift I wish I would have prayed more

And he even ADMITS to not praying ENOUGH! Man, he must be good. Maybe he raps his prayers. I'm betting Jesus likes a good rap. 

God makes no mistakes
I've made a few
Rough sledding here and there
But I made it through

Now there's an understatement. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but our Jay was kind of a thug for awhile there. He has admitted to it and he says he'll never return to that life. But before becoming a rapper, he did some drug dealing. And a few years back in a nightclub, he stabbed a record producer in the stomach with a five-inch blade over some alleged bootlegging of one of Jay's albums. 

For the record Jay, if you're reading this, all of your songs on my iPod?  I have LEGALLY downloaded every one of them. Check my iTunes account yourself, k? I'll give you the password.

I wreak havoc on the world

See above.

Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter, faster me

Uh-oh. Does this mean Blue is going to be a thug, only better? I sure hope Blue doesn't stab anyone. It wouldn't be very ladylike. 

Saw a pinch of Hove
A whole glass of B

Jay's nickname besides Jay-Z is Hove. As in Jehovah. As in Jay is the Jehovah of rap. And let's hope it's just a pinch of him and a Big Gulp cup of Beyonce since Beyonce has never stabbed anyone. 

Then the chorus comes around again and that's when it starts to get good:

Your grand pop died of n**a failure
Then he died of liver failure

Really? Is this the first thing Blue needs to know about her grandfather? Shouldn't this wait until, oh I don't know, never! And honestly, I know it's Jay-Z, but does he have to use that sort of language when writing a song for his BABY.

Deep down he was a good man
G-d d**m I can't deliver failure. 

And again with the swearing. Blue will have a healthy vocabulary by the time she makes it to preschool. But hey, that won't matter, she's Blue Ivy Carter. The world will be hers. I'm sure Jay will donate a wing for the preschool probably made out of solid gold and buy all the teachers Louis Vuitton everything, just so little Blue can do whatever the hell she wants, which just might include swearing and or stabbing, if she actually is Part Two Jay-Z.  Also, Jay really, really must be amazing at the prayer. He is taking the Lord's name in vain and still he has a villa in France.

Bad ass lil' Hove
Two years old shopping on Savile Row

Now this I don't get. Is he saying he was shopping on Savile Row when he was two? Because, if so, this man really was born under the luckiest of stars. Or is he saying his Mini Me will be shopping on Savile Row at two. I know Savile Row is fancy and all, but someone needs to tell Jay, little girls usually don't enjoy dressing in oxfords and pinstripe suits. Here's a tip Jay, two-year-old girls love twirly dresses preferably drenched in pink glitter. So get started. I'm sure Marc Jacobs himself would probably sew a couple hundred of them for you. 

Wicked Ass Little B
Hard not to spoil you rotten lookin' like little me

For Blue's sake, I sure hope she looks like her Mama and not her Daddy.

In fact, if the rumor is true that they had a surrogate, maybe Beyonce should have considered some donor sperm, too. Like his:

Or his:
Those are some beautiful men, there. 

You don't yet know what swag is
But you was made in Paris

Of course, Blue was made in Paris. How ultra romantic is that? I'm sure in a 50,000 dollar a night suite. *Sigh* 

Hang on, let me give this prayer rapping a try. 

Hey Jesus! It's been too long. How ya been?
I know I'm no Jay-Z, so pardon me, 
I just need you to make me Charlize Theron's twin.

What do you think? It's worth a shot, right?

Okay, back to "Glory"

And mamma woke up the next day and shot her album package. 

Uh, what? You were conceived and then your mom shot her album package? It's always about the business, honey. 

Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear
But nah baby you magic

O.M.G. Now that is just heartbreaking and sweet and beautiful and . . . ding-ding-ding, there goes another egg!

So there you have it, sh*t happens

Once again, is the phrase "shit happens" something you really want in your baby's song? Although Jay, if you're going to truly be a hands-on parent without all the nannies doing everything, you really are going to see the truth in that phrase for a long, long time to come. 

Just make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry on baggage
Everybody go through stuff
Life is a gift love open it up

And this is why I love Jay, lyrics like this and of course, "I've got 99 problems and a b**tch ain't one of em."

You're a child of destiny
You're the child of my destiny
You're my child with the child of Destiny's Child
That's a hell of a recipe

Okay, I think most of us got it on the first line. Those of us with glue-sniffing addictions definitely figured it out by the second line. Third line was overkill. You're right, Jay, that is one hell of a recipe. 

Jay then repeats the chorus and then, in the background, you hear Blue Ivy herself, her sweet newborn cry. At least, we think it's Blue Ivy. Maybe it's the child of a surrogate. Maybe it's the surrogate child of a surrogate. Maybe it's the surrogate child of the child who is the child of the child of Destiny's Child. 

We'll never know. 

What we do know, is that the world has been made richer, (as will Jay-Z and Beyonce when they sell the rights to the first picture, thanks to Jay-Z the prayer warrior!) by another beautiful baby gracing the earth. 

My hope is that Blue will grow up with her mother's looks, legs and gracious disposition and that she gets her father's rapping and writing skills but mostly, that she too is a champion at prayer. Say hi to Jesus for me, Blue. Tell him this Mama could use some new shoes. 

Today's Definite Download: Beyonce, of course, at Glastonbury, rocking the house with her "All The Single Ladies." That woman is just so freaking, utterly, unbelievably, gorgeously, damn fantastic. Take a look for yourself. And do yourself a favor, watch until the end. When she tells the ladies to do their thang, it's quite amusing. 

Oh, and by the way? A few years ago, Jay was the first hip hop artist to headline Glastonbury. I gotta go. I've got some rap/praying that needs a little work. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh. 


Anonymous said...

I'm sure you've seen all the rumors swirling around about the origin of her name...'Blue' for Jay-Z's Blueprint album names, and 'Ivy' being a play on the roman numeral IV. The number 4 apparently has strong meaning to them, and is the title of Beyonce's latest album.

Even though the name Blue Ivy is extremely unconventional, they at least get points for creativity!

ProudSister said...

Funny! I agree, I was a little disappointed by the song too. I'm going to see if I can book a vacation in Beyonce's labor room. Nicest hospital room ever!

Unknown said...

I think you'd make a great rapper...but prayer rapping? Maybe not so much!

Pat said...

Well, at least she wasn't named after a fruit!

The Zadge said...

I mean, her parents are named Beoynce and Jay-Z. Susan just doesn't seem like it would fit, you know, Mrs. BONO?

Rae said...

I'm not into all the Hollywood stuff. I just wanted to read about your hair. :)

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

He sorta lost me at the shit happens portion of the song. I guess plant life and fruit are the in thing these days for baby names!

Kelly said...

After reading those lyrics I didn't know whether to grab a tissue to wipe away a tear or to flash a gang sign and yell out, "Yo!"

And to me, "Blue Ivy" sounds like a strain of weed.

And I'm now regretting that I didn't name either of my offspring "Muffaletta." Which is an awesome name. For a sandwich. Or a kid.

Galit Breen said...

I have no words, but I do love this post, your thoughtful reflections on Jay's songs {I call him that, too! :) } and oh my, that suite- almost makes me want to have another baby!


{Great post! Hee!}

Alexandra said...

First of all, whenever I see you've posted I click over.

Second: the fist thing I think when I read your posts?

How the heck does she do it
not a single typo to unglue this
Writing like she's editor in chief
Hard to hate a girl grammer geek

Or something like that.

MOST EXCELLENT and you were waaaaay too kind about Jay Z.

I blasted his lyrics on twitter b/c they are DUMB to me and I had rapper bloggers descend on me like mad hornets. Of course, me being the dumb one I HASHTAGGED IT. #glory.

I know I know


Alyssa said...

Wasn't gonna leave a comment just because...what could I possibly add to this?? :) So I'm leaving you a comment just to say this was great and hilarious and this is my first time here but I'm now subscribed!

Unknown said...

seriously hilarious. I think the song lyrics are lame in general though, you were very kind...perhaps you were ovulating.
I'm going to have to go google now, I had no clue about the surrogate.

Unknown said...

They should have put big screens outside the neonatal section to lull all the parents who couldn't get to their babies because of Ivy Blue security.

Gigi said...

So THAT'S why my prayers aren't being answered! I need to rap them.

Dammit, I don't think I'm hip-hop enough for that.

JoAnna said...

Well, I sure hope they don't send Blue to my school because of the law in this state about accepting gifts over $50 from parents. I wouldn't be able to accept a Louis Vuitton anything. That is MY destiny.

everydaymomma said...

Oh my gawd.... Best post ever I seriously cannot stop laughing, had a hoorid day and this makes it soooooo much better! Thankyou!!!

Anonymous said...

So I kinda missed all this because I do live in cave coop, apparently, but I did hear that Swarovski gave them a crystal baby bath? Did I hear that right? It was listed among things they gave to charity. Because every poor kid could use a crystal baby bath. Okay, I'm being a d**k. That song, though, is kind of full of d**kness. I'm holding out for Beyonce's song. I had a cat named Blue once. Pretty sure they are all copycatting my cat name. I'm taking my d**k self to bed now. Love this post, J. (because that is what Bill and I like to call you:-)

AiringMyLaundry said...

This was a great post!

I wish I had the money to deck out my room.

Heck, nurses kept promising to bring me a popsicle and they never did. I was ticked! I was close to screaming, "Hey! Where's my popsicle?" But then I had to push..

Anita @ GoingALittleCoastal said...

He lost me on the very first line, "The most amazing feeling I feel". That sounds like something Ben Stiller would have said in Dodge Ball.

But thank you for the pics of those 2 fine specimens of a man.

Kimberly said...

I just want to say that I hate Beyonce...I don't know her personally but I'm tired of her and her perfect ass and hair and voice. Ok so maybe I'm jealous.
What I'm not jealous of is the name of her kid.
It reminds me of that movie "Old School" where that old man in the frat club was named Blue. Will Ferrell would always shout out "You're my boy Blue!!"
Anyways, I already hate the baby too. This is going to be shoved down our throats for the next 12 months.
But you're funny.
I love you.

Lisa said...

You are so funny! I agree completely about the celebrity names. And I was just explaining to my daughter that "this Chaz dude" used to be a darling little blonde named Chastity and that he had a brother named Elijah Blue. She thought that was the strangest name she'd ever heard so then I told her about Frank Zappa's kids, Moon Unit and Dweezil. She's still in shock.

And that birthing room? Jealous doesn't even begin to cover how I felt upon seeing THAT photo!

MrsJenB said...

I have oh so many thoughts about everything you've written here. I'll just say this, rather than write a book:

Beyonce is the only woman in the world I would switch teams for. My husband knows this. She is not even human. The end.

Oh and if my father ever rapped about the events surrounding my conception...well, besides the fact that it probably involved liquor and "oops"...I'm not sure if I wouldn't feel sorta cringe-ish about it.

karen said...

Loved this post. I remember my first labor room. The nurse came in and told me to be quiet and quit making so much noise. Well, excuuuse me! It hurt!
I agree - the rap was lame. I liked yours better. But I guess I'm not really a fan of Jay's. But I do love me a rousing chorus of "All The Single Ladies" - especially when my granddaughter is there to add her own 5 year old brand of booty shaking choreography to it.

My Inner Chick said...

I love your blogs. LoOOove them.

Yes. Beyonce is pretty much perfect. Damn her for that small waist, long flowing hair, shimmering skin, and a billion freaking dollars.

And about Bono.

The same thing happened to me. I Googled him and got a BIG Chaz Penis.

Great Post. Xxx

Tracie Nall said...

Someone really needs to do something about these famous kid's names. There should be laws. I mean, Blue Ivy isn't the worst one out there, but it isn't great, either.

I'm going to go work on my rapping now. Just in case ;-)

Rachel Cotterill said...

I'm in the "living under a rock" category, and hadn't heard about this at all. Ivy is a perfectly respectable name... Blue sounds more like a toilet product or possibly a perfume!

Lori said...

You just freakin crack me up! Also, don't know much about Jay-Z, but nicknaming himself after God?? Egomaniac, much?

Just A Normal Mom said...

I keep thinking someone wrote it wrong and it should have been Ivy Blue, instead. I'll never get the celebrity name game. Funny post, though. Really - after Jehovah? That's some ego.

Julie said...

"Maybe it's the surrogate child of the child who is the child of the child of Destiny's Child."

Yep. Turned blue (or maybe bleu) from that one because you are so damn funny.

And I'm sorry you get stuck reading about Chaz's penis purchasing when you're trying to catch up with Bono.


We all have our crosses to bear.

And some of them are named Muffaletta.

Or at least they should be.


Judie said...

Don't forget about the Zappas who named their son Dweezel Zappa!

Oh, and the Cajun servant in Cat People whose name was Female (pronounced Fe mah lee) because that's what the hosopital put on her birth certificate. It's not just the children of rich people who get stuck with goofy names.

Every time I click on your blog, I get a message that Norton blocked a web attack by: Malicious Injected Javascript. The attacking computer is Does this mean anything to you?

Shell said...

I'm distracted by the pics of the beautiful men.

Jennifer M. said...

You had me laughing out loud with this post. I love how you dissected the lyrics. I have to agree...I think he was half asleep writing this song cause those lyrics weren't that good. Anyways, why insert curse words into a song dedicated to your child. Sounds like he needs a lesson from Will Smith who (to my understanding) refuses to have curse words in his music.

Thanks for making me laugh today. I needed it after the long day I had.


Baby Sister said...

Oh, that poor baby. When I heard their name for her I just felt so bad. I never heard his song before. That makes me feel even worse for her. And the surrogate? I had no idea about that. That is just wrong.

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