Yes, Internet, I know I promised you an arresting story about my hair, but then Beyonce had her baby and well . . my hair had to be put under the dryer for the next post.
I, like everyone else addicted to hard-hitting news, followed every detail of Blue Ivy's birth. For any of you living under a rock or in a Unabomber shack in the woods, that would be Beyonce and Jay-Z's brand new daughter.
And let's just state the obvious right here, right now. Shall we?
Celebrities, as we all know, have a great passion for ridiculous names. Maybe it's their way of being smug. Like they're saying, "See, how rich and famous we are. We can name our kid Muffaletta and no one will dare poke fun at them on the playground. Because it is OUR playground. Our rich and famous playground and don't you regular- named people ever forget it."
The color blue is a popular one with the artsy set. There's the original pioneer in blue names, Cher's son, Elijah Blue. And do you think that boy is feeling neglected about now? I mean, his sister Chastity got to spend her childhood on her parents' TV show. What did Elijah Blue get? Most likely, a car seat in the back of the Allman Brothers' tour bus with a floor covered in hot boiled peanut shells and empty Jack Daniel's bottles. And now, with his sister turning into a man and dancing with the stars, no one cares about Elijah Blue. In fact, I don't think anyone ever cared about Elijah Blue, which is super sad. And by the way, Chaz needs to get on with his life and stop talking about buying penises to the press. It is quite annoying to google Bono these days, because I have to wade through like five pages of Chaz's penis buying just to find any tidbits about Bono. Chaz Bono, please shut up about your penis buying. No one cares. We care about Bono.
John Travolta's daughter is Ella Bleu. At least they tried to make it all sophisticated sounding by Frenching it up. Alicia Silverstone named her son, Bear Blu, not only completely misspelling the word, but giving that poor baby a truly WTF name. It's just one scary step away from Little Boy Blue. One of the Spice Girls has a daughter named Bluebell and honestly? I find that name kind of cool. I need to remember that for my next dog. Edge of U2 has a daughter named Blue Angel, which conjures up images of an angel in the middle of a severe asthma attack. As for Blue Ivy, it sounds like a plant that'll give you a bad rash. Either that or another bad Megan Fox movie.
If given a choice, I'd probably pick Muffaletta.
But the minute I heard about Jay-Z's song for his baby girl, I rushed right over to the Internet to take a listen.
I wanted to love it. I love Jay. (Beyonce and I like to call him that.) And I'm in total admiration of Beyonce's mad skills which include kick ass choreography, catchy tunes and those impossible legs that do not jiggle a single bit when she's dancing. Seriously. Not one jiggle.
My sisters live in Chicago and they have major Chicago connections which is very upsetting to me since I am not in Chicago. They were at Oprah's final shows and they got to see Beyonce up close and personal. My sister said Beyonce has the smallest waist she has ever seen. And my sister has seen Gone With The Wind, so she knows about small waists.
My daughter and I were watching Beyonce videos the other day and I was like, "How does she look that amazing? I'd love to know what she does to stay so fit."
And my lovely daughter said, "Mom, there's no way you could ever look like that."
I was about to spit on her until she added, "No one can look that good."
And I think she's got something there.
Anyway, when I listened to Jay's "Glory" I was all ready to say, "Awwwww."
But after taking a listen, what I said was, "Huh."
Jay is responsible for some of the most brilliant, bad-ass lyrics in the hip-hop world, so I thought "Glory" would be of the same like.
And . . . well . . .
It's just not.
Maybe he was tired.
His wife may or may not have just had a baby, depending on which website you're reading. But either way, whether a surrogate was involved or whether it really was Beyonce doing the pushing, he probably didn't get a lot of sleep.
Although, I don't have a lot of sympathy for him. The tricked out labor and delivery suite that happened to be conveniently built just in time for Beyonce's baby looked pretty sweet to me.
I mean, I'm married to a man who has his own insurance agency. I have great insurance. But we never had anything like that.
The most luxurious item we ever had in a birthing suite was the big screen TV in the labor room when my middle girl was born.
Who the hell puts a big screen in a labor room?
This is why I have a problem with the OB world. Until very recently it has been ruled by men and men don't have 1/16th of a clue. I don't care how many babies they've delivered. Until they've thrown up in a bedpan because the contractions from pushing a squalling, seven pound baby out of their body, were so mother f***ing painful, I don't want to hear what they have to say, especially during the delivery of said squalling baby.
I know man doctors put that big screen in there. Probably so they could catch a few minutes of whatever game, in between pushes.
My labor room was back in the day when big screens were about one million dollars and no one owned one yet, so my hubs fell to his knees and began weeping as soon as he spotted it. When we discovered the remote was taped to the arm of the labor bed, he spent the rest of my labor mesmerized saying, "Change the channel. Change the channel. Changethechannel. Changethechannel. CHANGETHECHANNEL."
Instead of, you know, helping me with my breathing and getting me ice chips and such.
But back to Jay's song. You know what? I think we should take it line by line.
I know. You're thinking—great, the white girl who can't dance is going to break down some rap? Oh, this will be priceless.
And you would be right. About the dancing.
So here goes.
The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you.
Okay, I gotta admit, that is so fabulously sweet. Perhaps he should have stopped there.
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
Now this? Makes me want to weep. And I'm pretty sure it made me ovulate on the spot, even though I am uterus-less. The eggs, however, are still shooting out of my fallopian tubes like steel balls out of a pinball machine.
What? Too much TMI?
All the pain of the last time
I pray so hard it was the last time
Your Mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?
Totally awwwww-worthy. But don't worry, it gets better . . . or not, depending on what your definition of better is.
Everything that I pray for
Now hold up here, one sec. I think I need to look into getting Jay as my prayer coach, because obviously he knows some secret the rest of us don't. I prayed the other night that the toilet I could hear running in my daughter's bedroom above mine would not overflow because I was too tired to get out of bed and yell to someone to jiggle the handle. Do you think Jay actually prayed for a net worth of 500 million or to become one of the greatest rappers in the world? Did he pray for 13 Grammy Awards and his Bugatti? And did he ask the Lord to send him a wife who was not only one of the most beautiful women on the planet, but on Rolling Stone's list of Best Artists of All Time?
I might just be praying for the wrong things.
God's gift I wish I would have prayed more
And he even ADMITS to not praying ENOUGH! Man, he must be good. Maybe he raps his prayers. I'm betting Jesus likes a good rap.
God makes no mistakes
I've made a few
Rough sledding here and there
But I made it through
Now there's an understatement. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but our Jay was kind of a thug for awhile there. He has admitted to it and he says he'll never return to that life. But before becoming a rapper, he did some drug dealing. And a few years back in a nightclub, he stabbed a record producer in the stomach with a five-inch blade over some alleged bootlegging of one of Jay's albums.
For the record Jay, if you're reading this, all of your songs on my iPod? I have LEGALLY downloaded every one of them. Check my iTunes account yourself, k? I'll give you the password.
I wreak havoc on the world
Get ready for part two
A younger, smarter, faster me
Uh-oh. Does this mean Blue is going to be a thug, only better? I sure hope Blue doesn't stab anyone. It wouldn't be very ladylike.
Saw a pinch of Hove
A whole glass of B
Jay's nickname besides Jay-Z is Hove. As in Jehovah. As in Jay is the Jehovah of rap. And let's hope it's just a pinch of him and a Big Gulp cup of Beyonce since Beyonce has never stabbed anyone.
Then the chorus comes around again and that's when it starts to get good:
Your grand pop died of n**a failure
Then he died of liver failure
Really? Is this the first thing Blue needs to know about her grandfather? Shouldn't this wait until, oh I don't know, never! And honestly, I know it's Jay-Z, but does he have to use that sort of language when writing a song for his BABY.
Deep down he was a good man
G-d d**m I can't deliver failure.
And again with the swearing. Blue will have a healthy vocabulary by the time she makes it to preschool. But hey, that won't matter, she's Blue Ivy Carter. The world will be hers. I'm sure Jay will donate a wing for the preschool probably made out of solid gold and buy all the teachers Louis Vuitton everything, just so little Blue can do whatever the hell she wants, which just might include swearing and or stabbing, if she actually is Part Two Jay-Z. Also, Jay really, really must be amazing at the prayer. He is taking the Lord's name in vain and still he has a villa in France.
Bad ass lil' Hove
Two years old shopping on Savile Row
Now this I don't get. Is he saying he was shopping on Savile Row when he was two? Because, if so, this man really was born under the luckiest of stars. Or is he saying his Mini Me will be shopping on Savile Row at two. I know Savile Row is fancy and all, but someone needs to tell Jay, little girls usually don't enjoy dressing in oxfords and pinstripe suits. Here's a tip Jay, two-year-old girls love twirly dresses preferably drenched in pink glitter. So get started. I'm sure Marc Jacobs himself would probably sew a couple hundred of them for you.
Wicked Ass Little B
Hard not to spoil you rotten lookin' like little me
For Blue's sake, I sure hope she looks like her Mama and not her Daddy.
In fact, if the rumor is true that they had a surrogate, maybe Beyonce should have considered some donor sperm, too. Like his:
Those are some beautiful men, there.
You don't yet know what swag is
But you was made in Paris
Of course, Blue was made in Paris. How ultra romantic is that? I'm sure in a 50,000 dollar a night suite. *Sigh*
Hang on, let me give this prayer rapping a try.
Hey Jesus! It's been too long. How ya been?
I know I'm no Jay-Z, so pardon me,
I just need you to make me Charlize Theron's twin.
What do you think? It's worth a shot, right?
Okay, back to "Glory"
And mamma woke up the next day and shot her album package.
Uh, what? You were conceived and then your mom shot her album package? It's always about the business, honey.
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear
But nah baby you magic
O.M.G. Now that is just heartbreaking and sweet and beautiful and . . . ding-ding-ding, there goes another egg!
So there you have it, sh*t happens
Once again, is the phrase "shit happens" something you really want in your baby's song? Although Jay, if you're going to truly be a hands-on parent without all the nannies doing everything, you really are going to see the truth in that phrase for a long, long time to come.
Just make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry on baggage
Everybody go through stuff
Life is a gift love open it up
And this is why I love Jay, lyrics like this and of course, "I've got 99 problems and a b**tch ain't one of em."
You're a child of destiny
You're the child of my destiny
You're my child with the child of Destiny's Child
That's a hell of a recipe
Okay, I think most of us got it on the first line. Those of us with glue-sniffing addictions definitely figured it out by the second line. Third line was overkill. You're right, Jay, that is one hell of a recipe.
Jay then repeats the chorus and then, in the background, you hear Blue Ivy herself, her sweet newborn cry. At least, we think it's Blue Ivy. Maybe it's the child of a surrogate. Maybe it's the surrogate child of a surrogate. Maybe it's the surrogate child of the child who is the child of the child of Destiny's Child.
We'll never know.
What we do know, is that the world has been made richer, (as will Jay-Z and Beyonce when they sell the rights to the first picture, thanks to Jay-Z the prayer warrior!) by another beautiful baby gracing the earth.
My hope is that Blue will grow up with her mother's looks, legs and gracious disposition and that she gets her father's rapping and writing skills but mostly, that she too is a champion at prayer. Say hi to Jesus for me, Blue. Tell him this Mama could use some new shoes.
Today's Definite Download: Beyonce, of course, at Glastonbury, rocking the house with her "All The Single Ladies." That woman is just so freaking, utterly, unbelievably, gorgeously, damn fantastic. Take a look for yourself. And do yourself a favor, watch until the end. When she tells the ladies to do their thang, it's quite amusing.
Oh, and by the way? A few years ago, Jay was the first hip hop artist to headline Glastonbury. I gotta go. I've got some rap/praying that needs a little work. Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh.